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January 2007 Archives
5PM I Can't Wait Until It's Over the Counter!
Woman #1: I haven't been feeling well at all lately.
Woman #2: You know what's really good? Aleve.
Woman #1: What?!
Woman #2: Aleve.
Woman #1: Oh, I thought you said, 'weed'!
200 Varick Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Eve's droppings
4PM You Have to Cut Out Sugar
Guy on phone: Slim-Fast doesn't work if you eat half a cake every night.
Stratford, Connecticut
3PM Except That My First Is to Learn to Write
Lowly assistant: We are supposed to have our monthly, quarterly, and annual goals prepared for Tuesday's meeting.
Lawyer: Really? Tell the office manager to send me everyone else's goals.
Office manager: I probably won't have them before the meeting.
Lawyer: But I don't know what my goals are.
1500 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: It's Comcastic
2PM My Career Is in Your Tiny Hands
Navy commander to his three-year old who's locked herself in the connecting bathroom again: Susie*, open this door at once! I command you!
Visiting officer's quarters, Tachikawa Air Force base
Tokyo
Japan
1PM Another Lucky Darwin Awards Contender
Man: Hey, do you know what ski-shooting is?
Lady: Ski-shooting?
Man: Yeah... Ski-shooting... Where you shoot at things while you are skiing.
Lady: Do you mean skeet-shooting? They don't ski and shoot... They shoot at clay disk things.
Man: Oh, is that what it's called? So they don't ski while they are shooting?
Lady: No... But when you try it let me know. I want to see that.
St. Louis, Missouri
12PM Now with 25 Percent More Ash!
Blonde admiring coworker's haircut: He did a good job. I like that cut a lot.
Redhead: Thanks! I like it, too. It just feels a little greasy 'cause of all that stuff he uses.
Blonde: Ew. Yeah. I hate Pompeii.
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: goofopet
11AM Blade 4: The Retirement
Loud guy in lobby: I mean, I love sharp knives a lot, but not that much. That's just too much!
495 Metro Place South
Dublin, Ohio
Overheard by: Wondering How Much Is Too Much
10AM Beyond a Reasonable Doubt
Attorney: Oh, god, not her. She is an insufferable hag. Tell her I'm not in the office.
Temp on phone: I'm sorry, ma'am, he's out of the office... Well, I apologize, but he's not here right now... Yes, I'm aware that lying to another attorney is unethical... Ma'am, you did not hear his voice in the background... No, I'm telling you, he's not here... Well, how do you know that was his voice? Couldn't it have been an intern or another attorney? ... Well if it sounded like him, who's to say his son isn't visiting today and that's whose voice you heard? Yes, I'll give him the message. Thank you.
Attorney: So... Have you considered law school?
Long Island law firm
Long Island, New York
9AM The Extraction Went Further Than Expected
Suit: I really don't think my wife got a total abdominal hysterectomy in a dentist's office... That's probably the wrong code...
Palo Alto, California
5PM Not All on the Same Day, As Her Suit Alleges
Boss: It's not like I was banging her in the supply closet.
Bigger boss: But you did bang her in the supply closet and in your office... And, for that matter, my fucking office, you asshole.
Boss: Yeah, but those were different occasions.
Alpharetta, Georgia
4PM Mine's Dead, but I Haven't Yet Lost Hope
Coworker: How's your son?
Boss: He's sick all the time, but other than that he's fine.
201 North Craig Street, Suite 500
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: revho13
3PM I'm Not Sure, Doctor
Man: Oooh, whatever was on my finger tasted good! I wonder what it was...
Dallas, Texas
2PM Come On! When She Bites the Male's Head Off? Priceless
Suit: Who knew she had a sense of humor? She seems like someone more amused by insects mating on National Geographic.
Wausau, Wisconsin
1PM No Police Tape This Time?
Boss: So, how was everybody's weekend?
Mother of the year, proudly: I got so drunk at my daughter's sixth birthday party that I passed out on the couch at three p.m. I think my husband kept an eye on all the kids, but either way, everyone was gone when I woke up at 5:30.
Lebanon, New Jersey
Overheard by: she was gone, too, from the sound of it.
12PM A Dinette Set Was Behind Door #2
Woman to friend: I don't mind telling you -- I have just recently accepted Jesus into my life as my personal savior and salvation, and my life has changed so much. I mean, look -- I got a Lincoln Continental!
Starbucks, 2300 Mendocino Avenue
Santa Rosa, California
Overheard by: Thankful to God for other reasons
11AM Could Be the Year He Moves Out of His Parents' Basement
Clerk: You know, the adult videos are 'Buy two, get a third free.'
Best girlfriend evar: Really? Honey, go get that one we were looking at.
Boyfriend: What, the one with the two blondes on the cover?
BGE: No, no -- the pirates one.
Boyfriend: Okay, be right back.
BGE, as soon as he's out of earshot: Quick, while he's gone can you box up that Spiderman statue behind you, too?
Minneapolis, Minnesota
10AM I Only Left That in the Band Room
Female coworker: So, we have to keep the media room locked now, because the janitor is all upset about the mess the high school kids make.
Male coworker: What kind of mess?
Female coworker: He says they leave gum all over the floor.
Male coworker: What?! That's so incredibly disgusting!
Female coworker, surprised: You think so?
Male coworker: Yes! I can't believe it!
Female coworker: You never did anything like that when you were a teenager?
Male coworker, highly indignant: I certainly did not!
Female coworker: You never chewed gum and spat it out on the floor?
Male coworker: Oh... I thought you said 'cum' on the floor...
Washington
Overheard by: juicy fruit
9AM It's Just Coming on the Market
Employee: This filter prevents more orgasms from getting into your drinking water than any other filter on the market!
Customer giggling: Uh-huh...
384 Placerville Drive
Placerville, California
5PM Why Was That Ever a Valid Question for a Stranger to Ask on the Phone?
Girl #1: Let's prank someone.
Girl #2: Oh! We can call and say, 'Is your refrigerator running?'
Girl #1: Exactly!
Girl #2: ... I forget the punch line to that one.
Girl #1: Yeah... me, too.
330 Garden Street
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Violet White
4PM The Elevator Operators Are Messing with Him
Yuppie #1: You coming out tomorrow night? Gonna be a shit show.
Yuppie #2: As long as I don't wake up on random floors as I have the past two Thursdays!
5th Avenue
New York, New York
3PM I Asked You First
Old lady coworker: Toys? Yeah, I still play with toys. I have heaps of toys.
Old guy coworker: Yes, I love toys, too. Toys, toys, toys. Toys without the boys.
Old lady coworker: What?
Old guy coworker: What? What are you talking about?
Bourke Street
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Jay Blue
2PM No, for You, Dad. You've Got to Cut Back on the Krispy Kremes
14-year-old girl: Hi, I need a 36 double-D bra with no underwire and no padding.
11-year-old brother: Yeah! No padding!
Redneck dad: Son... Are you fixin' to buy one of them things for yourself?
Victoria's Secret, Apple Blossom Mall
Winchester, Virginia
Overheard by: Joanna
1PM Must... Resist... 'Crappy Gift'... Joke...
Guy #1: So, what did you get her for Christmas?
Guy #2: Oh, man, she's gonna love it -- I got her a padded toilet seat!
Guy #1: Cool.
Lime Ridge Mall, 999 Upper Wentworth Street
Hamilton, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: laughing myself stupid
12PM It Was Supposed to Eliminate Frizz
Bimbette #1: I burned my ear this morning.
Bimbette #2: Oh, on your curling iron?
Bimbette #1: No, with the coffee.
2402 West Beardsley Road
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: InvertedSpear
11AM And Do You Ever Clean Any of Them?
Mother to child: No, we already have nine guns at home!
Wal-Mart Supercenter, Conneaut Lake Road
Meadville, Pennsylvania
10AM She's Saying, 'I Want to Take Your Meeting Minutes'
Man to female coworker: I don't think you understand -- you brought in fried chicken for us. This gesture is a little more serious than, 'I can tolerate your presence,' and quite honestly, I'm not sure if I'm ready to take our relationship to that level.
M Street
Washington, DC
9AM ... Just Beef?
Coworker #1: What's a vegan?
Coworker #2: Ain't they those vegetarians that don't even eat chicken?
Engineering office
Jacksonville, Florida
5PM Might Be a Problem Hiring Eunuch Guardians
Boss's wife: Is he talking about having a harem again?
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
4PM And 12-Year-Olds Killed in Terrorist Attacks
Tech guy: You know, I was thinking the other day -- you know how when these terrorists die, they think they're getting, like, 40 virgins? Well, it occurred to me that the only virgins up there will be all these 80-something-year-old nuns...
Corporate Drive
Orangeburg, New York
Overheard by: amused temp
3PM The Left
Guy: The movie wasn't very good, but the chick was super hot. She was, like, half Chinese, half normal.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Supervisor
2PM You're Supposed to Use a Bottle for Abandoned Wildlife
Woman: ... And then he bit my nipple so hard it started to bleed.
Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: not a deaf waitress
1PM Maybe I Shouldn't Have Let Him Borrow All That Poe
Librarian: Have you met the new assistant director? He reminds me a lot of Randy -- you know -- Ralphie's little brother from A Christmas Story. Nobody wants to hang out with him. The other day I asked him how he was, and he actually held up a piece of rope and said, 'Oh, I'm hanging in there!' and gave me a creepy smile.
60 7th Street
Garden City, New York
Overheard by: Grace
12PM It's Cooler Than That, but I Don't Want You to Envy Me
Investor: Forget about it, I've got to go, because it's almost Shabbos.
Realtor: What happens when the sun goes down? Are you, like, a vampire or something?
Investor: We just chill.
Cleveland, Ohio
11AM Very Slow Fights Break Out
Distressed middle-aged man to wife: Well, that's what happens when you give spiked eggnog to old people!
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Confused Passerby
10AM ... They Ooze
Chick #1: Did anybody ever tell you that you look like a penis when you wear that hood?
Chick #2: I do not!
Chick #3: You should see her when she runs in that hood. Then she really looks like a penis...
Chick #2: Penises don't run!
Saint Francis University
Loretto, Pennsylvania
9AM A Glimpse of Shapely Ankles Cost Oswald His Composure
Lady on phone: No, he did not get in. He did make an attempt, but things went south from there... I was wearing my skirt with the slit up the side. Nooo, you can only see somethin' when I am sitting down... Because I am a lady.
18th and L Street NW
Washington, DC
5PM Because When You Just Keep Slapping Me, It Really Doesn't Get Your Point Across
Manager everyone loathes: It's okay to talk to me verbally about that...
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Glad I work in another department
4PM Why People Have Messy Offices
CSR picking up discarded empty box: It would come in handy, even if we never used it.
Laurel House, Old Dover Road
Canterbury, Kent
England
Overheard by: John Dunmore
3PM Dude, That's a Cable Spool
Stoner: I don't like tables, but that is one damn fine-looking table! I mean, when I have people over, and they're looking for something to sit on, I give them a milk crate. Milk crates for everyone!
Philly AIDS Thrift, 514 Bainbridge Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Herbie McHebrew
2PM I Learned That from Watching The L Word
Waitress: What can I get for you this evening?
Tourist: My brother here really wants to try some sushi, but he's never had any.
Brother: I'm afraid I can't handle the sushi.
Waitress: Oh, honey, no man can handle the sushi.
Sushi Samba
New York, New York
1PM I Woke Up Three Months Early!
Cashier #1 to customer: Have a good Easter.
Cashier #2: And have a Merry Christmas.
Cashier #1: Oh, shit.
Woolworth's
Brisbane
Australia
Overheard by: Lydia the Great
12PM It Must Be Love
Physical therapist: ... So he drove all the way down here, and I didn't even get his clothes off. We've just been back there talking the whole time.
1500 East Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Which kind of therapy?
11AM Too Bad We're Really More about Following Orders
Professor to group of peers grading cadet exams: Wow, now this kid's going to grow up to be a serial killer.
US Military Academy, West Point
Highland Falls, New York
10AM They Told Me It Only Happens after Sex with Boys
Girl #1: I'm not pregnant.
Girl #2: Oh, good! I found out this weekend that I'm not pregnant, either.
Boarding high school dorm
Beverly, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Teacher in the hallway... like they were trying to go through this together?
9AM Boy, If He Thought He Was Embarrassed Before...
Male coworker: It's funny, but my son is too embarrassed to buy condoms, so he just has anal sex with his girlfriend.
Female coworker: That's a good idea.
Yellowknife, Northwest Territories
British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Stinky Pinky
5PM California-Straight, Anyway
Interviewee: My current girlfriend used to be a lesbian, but she's straight now.
209 Redwood Shores Parkway
Redwood City, California
Overheard by: Interviewer in another row
4PM No Matter What, Dick Cheney's In!
IT guy #1: What is boxing day, anyway?
IT guy #2: Well, I Wikipedia-ed it and could only gather that it either has to do with killing birds, beating up servant girls, or selling off Christmas stuff nobody wants.
650 Park Avenue
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Dani
3PM And That's How Daddy Lost His Ear
Eight-year-old boy looking at DVD: Carnival.
Father: Read that again.
Eight-year-old boy: Car... Carb... Cannibal.
Father: Yeah, that means 'meat eater.'
Eight-year-old boy, after pause: Another word for that is 'carnivore.'
Father: Oh, I guess that actually means, 'One who eats their own'. [Longer pause] You know, once at a job site I was working at we had a guy who was arrested and taken away for cannibalism... But that wasn't in America.
Video Store, 5600 Bigger Road
Kettering, Ohio
2PM Bob's the Code We Use for Peter
Peon #1: Okay, 'MDB' is the code we use to get Bob's attention.
Peon #2: Great, now we just need to hire someone named Bob.
Copenhagen
Denmark
Overheard by: Dave
1PM Lousy Human Condition
Middle-aged secretary #1: Stuart* just farted in my ear. He was standing next to me when I was sitting at my desk, and he fucking farted in my ear!
Middle-aged secretary #2: Ew. I've been known to let one slip myself. And the pussy farts are the worst, because you can't control them.
Middle-aged secretary #1: I see we're keeping it real.
Law firm
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: ginny
12PM Choke First, Ask Questions Later
Woman on phone: So, are we talking about the left-hand chicken, or the one o'clock chicken?
Kansas City, Missouri
11AM Jaguar: Ironically, My Married Name Is 'Lion'
Young girl: Mr. Lion! Hello, Mr. Lion!
Mom: I think that's a jaguar.
Young girl: Hello, Mr. Lion!
Mom: That's not a lion, sweetie, that's a jaguar.
Young girl: Okay, mom, but I can't say that word. Mr. Lion!
Woodland Park Zoo
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: James
10AM Arthur Murray Reconsiders His Business Plan
IT guy: What do you mean you've never shot a gun? You never made your friends dance by shooting at their feet?
915 Broadway
New York, New York
9AM Oh, and Photocopy the Porn
Male coworker #1: So, what do you even do back there, Allen*?
Male coworker #2: Apart from sifting through all of that mail.
Male coworker #1: And making photocopies.
Allen: Watch porn and whack off.
Male coworker #1, laughing: Seriously?
Allen: Hell yeah.
Male coworker #1: Dude. You're my idol.
Office on 48th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM I Thought She Loved Me 'til I Got This Gift Card
Cashier: Okay, your total is $9.63, and can I have you first name for the order?
Customer: McKnight.
Cashier: McKnight?
Customer: Yes.
Cashier: That's your first name?
Customer: Yes.
Cashier: Your mother didn't like you very much, did she?
Panera Bread
Evans, Georgia
Overheard by: Phil
4PM Specifically, Vinegar and Onion Pringles
White girl: So, what do you mean you guys don't have stockings on Christmas?
Hispanic girl: Spanish people's Christmas is more about expensive electronic gifts.
White girl: I just don't understand -- you also use all new decorations every year.
Hispanic girl: Yeah, we don't really do tradition well.
White girl: Spanish people are weird.
Black girl: Yeah, well, white girls smell like potato chips.
789 Howard Avenue
New Haven, Connecticut
3PM At Least, That's What I Tell Him
Woman #1: Don't worry. If he stops, it will be fine.
Woman #2: Yeah, and if he doesn't stop, my husband is very fertile.
Carpenter Avenue
Kingsford, Michigan
Overheard by: Jami
2PM There's Really Very Little Difference Anymore
Magazine writer #1: So, it turned out the chick I took home from the party was a gymnast!
Staff members: Wow... That's hot... Lucky git...
Magazine writer #2: Why, what's so great about gymnasts?
Magazine writer #1: Um... Well, they're really flexible...
Magazine writer #2: Oh, well, you should see the guy gymnasts, then!
Staff members: [Silence.]
35-51 Mitchell Street
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: and he's OUT!
1PM He's Got a Business Model on the Tip of His Tongue
Student #1: I had a real question! I really wanted to know the answer, and he acted like it was a joke.
Student #2: So. what was the question?
Student #1: How does a blind person know when they're done wiping?
Student #2: ... What, there's no punch line?
Student #1: That's what my teacher asked, but I really want to know the answer -- it's a valid question!
Student #2: Well, I'll ask my uncle next time I see him.
Elevator, Columbia College
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Kid, There's What You Know, and Then There's What You Can Prove
Third grader: Teacher, Tameka* is being nasty.
Teacher: What do you mean?
Third grader: I asked Eric* to use his dictionary, and she started laughing.
Teacher: Which means...?
Third grader: She was thinking something nasty.
Teacher: You mean, you can read her mind?
Third grader: I don't know how to explain...
Teacher: Did she say anything out loud?
Third grader: No, but she was thinking nasty stuff.
2351 East Redwood Road
Ceres, California
Overheard by: an observing teacher
11AM Future Conservative Policy Advisor
Chemistry student: You know what? Every year I hear about global warming, and then, like, three months later, it gets cold again!
Class: [Stunned silence.]
Parkland High School
Allentown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Out-Of-Here-In-Six-Months
10AM I've Mostly Stuck to That
Coworker: Oh, look! He got you more flowers! Wow, he's really pursuing you!
Coworker using online dating service: I know! But I told him I wouldn't go out with him until the divorce is final.
700 East Street
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Overhearer
9AM It Wasn't an Open-Floor Test
Teacher on phone with parent: Mrs. Jones*, I'm not saying Billy* cheated. All I'm saying is he had a sheet of paper with the answers to the test on the floor under his desk, and every few minutes he leaned over and looked at it. And I don't allow that kind of studying.
Bayport, New York
5PM Here, Talk to the Baby
Caller: I'm having contractions!
911 operator: Are you pregnant?
201 Spring Street
Springdale, Arizona
Overheard by: push, push
4PM Although Chuckie Is Coughing up a Response on the Rug
Editor: I know it's not truthful to say we're still generating responses to your proprosal, but it's better than saying we're drunk and lazy.
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
3PM Suck It Up. Without Hyperbole You Have No Job
Fashion editor: Our editors are not sneaker enthusiasts. It's really hard for me to do a story saying this is the most important sneaker of our generation.
1166 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
2PM We Know You Put Eggs In! Give It a Rest Already!
Sophomore: Dude, I really want a taco right now, but it's early in the morning...
Friend, leaning in: Nah, that depends on what kind of taco you're talking about. There are different kind of tacos... Heh, heh, you know what I mean?
Sophomore: Dude, shut up!
University of Texas
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: thanks Captain Obvious
1PM I Can Read Okay, but I Remember It Backward
Bimbo: I'm probably the most dyslexic you can get without actually being dyslexic.
Sydney, New South Wales
Australia
Overheard by: non-dyslexic
12PM I Can't Compete with That!
Boss: No, trust me. The last thing you want to do is bring your spouse on a company Las Vegas trip. You'll be divorced by the time you get home.
Salesman: Oh, really?
Boss: You know, because of all the drugs... and hookers.
Salesman: Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
9633 South 48th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
11AM Dear Diary -- Whew! That Was Close!
Cube worker #1: I think I found the secret project.
Cube worker #2: Mine?
Cube worker #1: You have a secret project?
Cube worker #2: Uh, no.
390 North Robert Street
St. Paul, Minnesota
9AM Curtis Discovers He Does Have Standards
Suit #1: Dude, I just looked at the girl from last night's MySpace page. Tell me again why you didn't fuck her?
Suit #2: She has birds!
Suit #1: Good enough.
St. Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: Jordan
5PM The Alien Abductions Have Had a Permanent Effect on Chuck
Sales guy on phone: An inch and a half between the legs? ... Yeah, that sounds pretty big for that size rod. ... Are you standing it up like a horseshoe and measuring it? ... Okay, let me get you some prices and call back.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: It's a fastener thing.. you wouldn't understand
4PM Or Was It Amblyopia?
Golfer to coworker: I'm lucky I'm ambidextrous -- great for my game.
Woman: You want to be careful -- I know someone who died of that.
Finance Centre
Dublin
Ireland
3PM And Lets Make the Password... 'Password,' Okay?
VP on phone with bank: I need to verify three times? I'm sorry, but that's just too secure for me.
Benzing Road
Orchard Park, New York
2PM 0 People Found This Advice Helpful
Boss: Is that Amazon?
Office manager, answering phone: No, it was recording.
Boss, interrupting again: Was it Amazon?
Office manger: No, it was a recording.
Boss: You sure?
Office manger: Yes. It was silent and beeped and started the recording.
Boss: I thought it was Amazon. [Phone rings again] Is that Amazon?
Office manger: Yes, I'm on hold.
Boss: Maybe you should talk to them.
Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM The Bhagavad Gita Is Pretty Clear on This
Amateur theologian: ... And something else I was thinking -- it's like, people always say, 'Well, the cowboys are God's team.' No, they're not! It doesn't matter who wins. God knew who was gonna win 1000 years ago!
333 North Meridian Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: fransen comes alive
12PM Signs Your Cabin Pressure May Be a Bit Unbalanced
Flight attendant: ... We don't expect a change in cabin pressure, but if it does occur, a designer oxygen mask will be released in front of you. Secure the mask on yourself first, then, if you are traveling with children, put a mask on the child with the most potential, then put a mask on the other one...
Mother passenger: [Gasps, horrified.]
Flight attendant: ... This is a non-smoking flight, but if you do decide to smoke, we will have you reseated on the wing of the plane where you can watch our feature presentation of Bye Bye Birdie or Gone with the Wind...
Southwest Airlines flight from Kansas City, Missouri, to Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Jessica
11AM ... Sumo Wrestling on a Derailing Train
Designer: You shot the Rubik's Cube contest?
Photographer: Yeah. It was like watching fat, naked men greased up in butter sumo wrestling. You don't want to watch, but you can't look away.
Designer: ... You know, most people use the metaphor, 'It was like watching a train wreck,' but you took it to a really dark place.
323 E Grand River Avenue
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Dundie
10AM A Quickie Will Cover Anything up to Embezzlement
Female coworker #1: So, Jack* is like, 'I feel obliged to tell the supervisor I caught you cheating again.' And obviously I can't have that -- if I lose this job I'm screwed for the month.
Female coworker #2: Totally. So what did you do to shut him up?
Female coworker #1: Let him lick my boobs in the store room.
Female coworker #2: One boob or both?
Female coworker #1: Both.
Female coworker #2: Good plan.
Duane Reed, Times Square
New York, New York
9AM Never Again
German teacher: Well, we're going to have to relocate to another classroom for a while. It seems there's a rat problem in this one.
Student: Are you going to gas them?
Glenunga International High School
Adelaide, South Australia
5PM How You Can Tell Who Went to Catholic School
Coworker #1: The film was so violent... I don't really like realistic-looking violence.
Coworker #2: Yeah, neither do I. Although, I did get some perverse enjoyment from watching The Passion of the Christ.
Coworker #1: But in this one it's all the nice people getting hurt.
500 Harris Street
Ultimo, Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Dan
4PM ... Instead of Going around Them
Employee #1: Yeah, she didn't have the info I need yet, so I'll have to circumvent with her later.
Employee #2: Circumvent? Do you mean circle back?
Employee #1: Circle back? That doesn't make any fucking sense. Why do I always take the blunt of your jokes?
1025 Eldorado Boulevard
Broomfield, Colorado
3PM I Might Just Do It for Fun
30-ish mom slamming purse down in front of young teen boy: Excuse me!
Teen: Yeah?
Mom: You will stop harrassing my son [points outside to younger boy] immediately. Do you understand?!
Teen: What?
Mom: Don't follow him, call him 'gay,' call him anything -- just don't talk to him.
Teen: What?
Mom: Look, I'm not like the other mothers around here. I'm not polite. I'm crazy. Super psycho crazy and I don't give up.
Teen, intimidated: Okay.
Mom, leaning in: I have a dent in the front of my car, and I'm not afraid to put another one next to it -- get my drift?
Starbucks
Westwood, New Jersey
2PM Nah, Nobody Anywhere Cares What You Say
Professor: A modern example of the peasant revolt of 1381 are the anti-poll tax riots that took place under Margaret Thatcher. She refused to work with the public, and it brought down her government. We should take a lesson from this... I hope there are no microphones in here.
Skidmore College
Saratoga Springs, New York
Overheard by: Hopes There Aren't
1PM That's Why I Have an Assistant
Guy: ... And there's no way I'll fellate myself.
Crowded elevator, 201 Sussex Street
Sydney, Australia
12PM Usher: At Last! Someone Who Needs Me!
Employee handing customer a ticket: Enjoy your movie.
Customer: Where do I go?
Palm Beach Gardens, Florida
11AM I Think You Could Have Ruled Him Out at 'Scooter'
Female coworker describing a guy she met: He pulled up on his scooter... with his sister on the back...
15351 Roosevelt Boulevard
Clearwater, Florida
Overheard by: is that a good thing
10AM An Air Traffic Controller Had to Talk Her Down
Coworker: I can't get my thingy on my dilly to pull out so I can get the thing to put on my paper! Can someone help me?
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Helio
9AM How I Became a Video Store Clerk
Customer: I need to talk to a manager about just erasing all of my late fees. Because, um, I'm never going to be able to pay those off.
Hollywood Video, Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: queenofsarab
5PM Don't Bring Me Solutions, Bring Me Problems!
Woman #1: I hate living alone.
Woman #2: I love living alone.
Woman #1: It sucks going home to nobody, having nobody to talk to -- it just sucks.
Woman #2: You want to live together?
Woman #1: No!
Motorola, 1301 East Algonquin Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
4PM It's Fine, We Unplugged Your Computer Months Ago
New department secretary: Is it okay to type when the screen is black?
Bank of America
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: rosa who else
3PM Dude, Stop Matriculating
TA: Okay, I want you all to close your eyes and imagine a woman. Now, what does she look like? Give me features.
Student #1: She has dark hair.
TA: Okay, good. Anything else?
Student #2, enthusiastically: She's naked!
301 Heller Drive
Santa Cruz, California
2PM Plus, Their Prior Behavior Had Been Exemplary
Professor: Does anyone have questions about the importance of the flood myth in the Bible and the Epic of Gilgamesh?
Student: Well, when it flooded and everything died, what happened to all the fish?
Professor: Well, it was a flood... So I think they were okay...
Skidmore College
Saratoga Springs, New York
Overheard by: Stared in disbelief
1PM Borrow Money
Call center rep: Well, what do you do when a random person at a call center says, 'I love you'?
1440 Broadway
New York, New York
12PM Everyone, This Is Amber
Manager to room of trainees for upcoming audit: Today's training has been cancelled, because I have something better to do.
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: Elementary Geek
11AM Do We Still Have This Item in Birkenstock?
Assistant manager over speaker: Lesbian to the front please! Lesbian to the front register!
Eckerd Pharmacy Robin Hood Road
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: But my name is Leslie....
10AM Mr. Kissinger, Are You All Right?
Intercom: Please remember to leave all distinguished butts in the can behind the south building.
14255 49th Street North
Clearwater, Florida
9AM Like Bathing in Christian Dior's Saliva
Agent #1: So, I see this girl, you know, in the grocery store. And she's just this freak of a girl. A tall, thin freak. And it's like this beam of light just descends on her, basking her in the smell of success. You know those moments?
Agent #2: The moments where you see tall, thin freaks?
Agent #1: Well, yeah -- it's like time stands still and you know you've just gotten the gold.
Agent #2: Yeah. It's a religious experience.
Agent #1: Completely. Completely religious.
Outside DNA modeling agency, 5th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM A Dream: Curdled
High school girl: I'm gonna name a cheese after you, Mr. L.*!
Mr. L.: If you actually had the power to do that, I'd be very flattered.
West Santa Clara Street
Arcadia, California
Overheard by: The Know It All
4PM Vegetarianism Is a Journey, Not a Destination
Sandwich artist: What kind of sandwich do you want?
Guy: I'm a vegetarian, so I want the veggie sub.
Sandwich artist: What items do you want on it?
Guy: Everything in the picture... And throw some chicken on there.
Sandwich artist: You can't have chicken on that! Chicken is meat!
Guy: Chicken ain't meat! Just put it on there!
Subway
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM I'm Thinking Something Circular with Red and Blue Concentric Rings
Manager: We really need some good ideas that senior management can throw darts at.
Underling: Hmmm...
Manager: Yeah, they don't know what they want, but they'll know when they see it. Then they'll have something to throw darts at.
San Diego, California
2PM Is It Just Those of You Who Drank the Kool-Aid?
CEO: By a show of hands, how many of you believe that I believe in this company?
Ballantyne Office Park
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM Bottom Line, I Never Drank Again
Sales guy #1: If I said it was hot in here, would anyone argue with me?
Sales guy #2: No.
Sales guy #3: It is pretty warm in here.
Sales guy #1: I was gonna say... It feels like an attic in here.
Sales guy #2: I would say it feels like the trunk of my car, but I don't want to go there.
Assistant: Hmmm... If you said that, we would be obligated to ask how you know what the trunk of your--
Sales guy #2: --Yeah, I don't want to go there.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Assuming She Died of Naturally Occurring Gunshot Wounds
Coworker: Well, if she died beforehand, then nobody killed her -- they just set the body on fire.
474 Industrial Park Drive
Boone, North Carolina
11AM The Bridges of Heisenberg County
Boss: Well, we'll come to that bridge when we cross it.
Assistant: I would certainly hope so.
Boss: What?
Assistant: Nothing.
Kansas
10AM Rent Mean Girls and Adjust the Contrast?
Teacher #1: I really need a video to show my kids after they finish their final. Do you have one I could borrow?
Teacher #2: Oh? Well, let's see... What were you thinking about?
Teacher #1: Have anything with angsty kids? Oooh, especially angsty black kids? They love those.
Alabama
Overheard by: Saving the drama for my momma
9AM Mengele's Genetic Experiments Finally Bear Fruit
Engineer: Is your boss in? We have a problem -- we have a little Aryan friend up on the second floor.
QA tech: No, he's on vacation... Wait -- we have what?
Engineer: A little Aryan friend flying around on the second floor.
QA tech: ... Ohhh -- 'avian.'
Engineer: Yeah, what did I say?
Modesto, California
Overheard by: That's not my job.
1PM You Say That Every Time
Manager: Well, you must have felt the body when you ran over it.
Employee with foreign accent: I did not feel it.
Manager: You didn't feel a thump?
Employee with foreign accent: I thought I was dragging a trash bag.
Harborside Drive
East Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Addababy Itsaboy
12PM They're So Cute When They're Young
Boy piano student #1, pencil poised under buttocks: Dare me to sit on this?
Boy piano student #2: You'll hurt your testicles.
Girl piano student: Guess what? Dr. Evil's dad made him shave his testicles!
Boy piano student #2: But testicles don't grow hair.
Piano studio
Florida
11AM People Eat Those?
Coworker #1: Hey, would anyone like one of my canned Vienna sausages?
Coworker #2: Can you suck the jelly off of it first?
Coast Guard Headquarters
Washington, DC
10AM They're Both Pretty Busy This Time of Year
Male coworker to deskmate: I'm still waiting for Emmitt Smith and Jesus to accept my MySpace friendship.
466 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Ro
9AM Although a Few Benjamin Franklins Might Speed Things Along
Employee: No, your case does not take presidents.
Customer: Presidents?
Employee: Yes, presidents. You are not more important than anyone else.
Customer: [Sighs] Can I just get the tag?
Brevard County Animal Services Enforcement Office
Melbourne, Florida
Overheard by: waiting for my rabies tag
5PM The Code Remains Unbroken
Dumb girl: Why do they call it 'Chicken Cordon Bleu'?
Dumb guy: Uh, duh! Cor-don-bleu... It means 'ham-and-cheese'!
Rockford, Illinois
4PM Plus, Who Would We Get to Clean Our Rain Gutters?
Manager: How's your mother?
Employee: She's coming home tonight. They wanted to put her in a nursing home, but I said, 'No way.' Not at Christmas.
Manager: Doesn't she need that level of care?
Employee: Not at Christmas, she doesn't.
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cubicle Right Outside
3PM How Was My Penmanship, for Example?
Student to professor: So, the only comment you made on my paper was that I completely missed the point of the assignment... So everything else was okay?
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Canadia
2PM Why People Join AA
Receptionist: I just can't get the song from Pinocchio out of my head.
Marketing director: Funny what pops into your head on the first round.
Receptionist, singing: I've got no strings to hold me back...
Marketing director: Later on, when we're drinking, I'll tell you about the midgets.
City Center Building
Bellevue, Washington
1PM Sorry, Hermaphroditic
Customer: What is the Happy Meal toy for boys this week?
Employee: Oh, no ma'am, we don't have boy or girl toys this week -- they are bisexual.
Customer: What?!
McDonald's
Santa Monica, California
12PM That Still Doesn't Explain the Grill
Worker #1: German Shepherds used to terrorize the Congolese when the British were colonizing. That's one of the reasons that the Congolese didn't like George Foreman when he fought there.
Worker #2: Oh, I thought you were going to say that is why black people don't like dogs.
Sears Tower
Chicago, Illinois
11AM It's Discipline, Not War Crimes
Voice on PA: Attention, Barnes and Noble shoppers, will the customer looking for the 'Bataan Death March' please come to the Children's Department? Thank you.
Southlake, Texas
10AM Tell It to Stop with the Monologues
Secretary: Does your vagina ever get so dry that it twitches?
Passing associate: Uh...
Portland, Oregon
9AM While I'm a Cornell Grad
White customer pointing at Filipino bag boy: Is he black, or is he white?! I just can't tell...
Cashier: Um, he's Filipino.
White customer: I don't care what religion he is, I just wanna know his race.
Cashier: He's Filipino.
White customer: No wonder you're just a cashier.
Piggly Wiggly
Farmville, North Carolina
5PM Of Course, without BeingThere I Can't Be 100 Percent Sure
Visitor: Excuse me, where's your kitchen?
Engineer: Eh?
Visitor: Where's your kitchen?
Engineer: My what?
Visitor: Your kitchen?
Engineer: It's in my house...
Peterborough
United Kingdom
4PM Other Than My Current Job, Which Blows
20-something guy whispering to 20-something girl: ... And I'm not saying this from personal experience, 'cause I've never actually had a blowjob...
400 N Capitol Street
Washington, DC
3PM And That Conversation Got Me to Turn My Life Around
Cop: What's your name?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Derrick Johnson*.
Cop: Where do you live?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
5200 W Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Plus, We're the Villains in Different Bond Movies
Coworker #1: Teach me how to say something dirty in Bulgarian.
Coworker #2: I'm not Bulgarian, I'm Bosnian.
Coworker #1: What's the difference?
Coworker #3: Are you Mexican?
Coworker #1: Hell no!
Coworker #3: That's the difference.
2157 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
1PM The Car Deserved to Die
Cube guy: ... And what did you say?
Cube girl: I told her he never deserved her in the first place.
Cube guy: That's for sure.
Cube girl: And frankly, the smartest thing she ever did was put that bullet in his car.
Cube guy: I know!
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
12PM No, the Moral Is 'Don't Anthropomorphize Numbers'
Teacher discussing domain and range: Alright, here's a good way to look at it. Okay, so think of the number four as a child. And two is its father, because two squared is four. But wait, couldn't negative two squared also be four? That's why you need to limit the domain to be 'X is greater than zero.'
Girl student #1: So, the moral of the story is to keep your housewife away from the mailman?
Teacher: Uh...
Girl student #2: Oh my god! My mailman is so hot!
High school
Florida
11AM When Collies Are Mainstreamed at Public Universities
Professor: Girls, you have got to stop humping!
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
10AM Because Man Do I Need to Pass Today's Compulsory Drug Test
Nurse with very thick accent: Hi, what's your name?
Patient: Huh?
Nurse: That's nice, can I have a urine sample?
Highland Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
9AM Fox Unveils Its New Advertising Strategy
Student walking into class late: The bad news is, I am late. The good news is that my intramural football team won the championship.
Professor: What is your team's name?
Student: The Jack Bauers.
Professor: Is that the guy from 24? I can't get into that show...
Student: Because you hate freedom?
Capital University Law School
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: captain awesome
5PM Democracy Isn't the Answer to Everything
Teacher: What's one-fifth of 15?
Class, in unison: Five!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: High school student, appalled
4PM And That's the Way It Is
Anchor writing newscast: I don't care about the poisoned Russian. Just give me the bong!
CBS Broadcast Center
New York, New York
3PM It's Wherever God Is at the Time
Office worker #1: Hey, here's a great trip -- 10 days in Italy and the Holy Land. Where's the Holy Land?
Office worker #2: Use your head. Where do you think the Holy Land is?
Office worker #1: Venice?
155 Federal Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: One Who Knows
2PM Wait until He Hears Why They're Representing Him
Attorney reading medical report: Sue*, is this right?
Sue, the paralegal: Yup. Sure is.
Attorney: But... Why does it say 'Christina*' on this set of reports, and 'Christopher' on this set?
Sue, patting attorney on back: Read it all the way through, you'll get it.
Attorney, from rear office five minutes later: Oh, lord... He's... I mean, she's... I mean... Sue? Can you come in here, please?
Sue, yelling across the office: Did you see the pictures yet?
Attorney: What?! There are pictures?! Where...? Oh, my good god! Sue!
Law office, Broadway
New York, New York
1PM We May Need to Go to Godiva for That
Dad: Come on, guys, pick out a gift and let's go...
Son: I know what we're giving Mommy.
Younger daughter: A big butt! A really big B-U-T-T!
Barnes & Noble
Glendale, Arizona
Overheard by: Blue Girl In A Red State
12PM How We Deal with Socialists
Manager: Man, you guys from Alabama are hard-core putting someone getting the chair on the back of your quarter.
Boss from Alabama: That's not someone getting the chair -- that's Helen Keller!
Manager: You guys electrocuted Helen Keller?!
Campus Point Drive
San Diego, California
11AM No Bereavement Time-Outs in Office Warfare
Female coworker: Did you hear that Bobbi lost her father?
Chorus of 'Awwws' from other coworkers.
Male coworker: Why doesn't she look in her cunt? Everyone else seems to have been in there.
Ruby Tuesday's
Carle Place, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
10AM What I Meant to Say Was I'm Pro Racial Segregation
Girl: I don't know, I just hate it when they mixed the coloreds and the whites.
Random passerby: What?
Girl, loudly: What? Ohhh! I mean Christmas lights! I swear. I like houses that are all decorated the same way.
Friend: Just stop talking.
Girl: I am such a dipshit.
43 Leonard Street
Belmont, Massachusetts
Overheard by: i was confused too
9AM The Means of Reproduction Are in the Hands of the Workers
Coworker #1: Hey, did you hear Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter is pregnant? Explain to me how that happened.
Coworker #2 to Coworker #3: Joe*, you want to take care of this for me?
Waterfront
Washington, DC
5PM If You Get One of These, Just Regift It
Guy: That's because you broke it!
Hot blonde: I know, I totally put it in the wrong hole.
Guy: You should be more careful.
Hot blonde: I added more liquid, but I get no smoke.
Guy: Did you make sure to re-insert the thingie?
80 Grasslands Avenue
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
4PM Excuse Me, Do You Carry Lead Condoms?
Student studying energy, to another: Do you think this a controlled or uncontrolled nuclear erection?
International School of Milan
Milan
Itlay
3PM You'd Be Surprised What's in There
Teacher's aide: Where did you find the sticky, gooey stuff (Tacky Finger)?
Secretary: In my drawers.
Contour Road
Gaithersburg, Maryland
2PM Haven't You Seen the Prequel?
Receptionist #1: How could we have known what happened 10 thousand years ago if Jesus lived only two thousand years ago?
Receptionist #2: Because people before Jesus wrote things down in the Bible.
Receptionist #1: There were people before Jesus?
1600 Utica Avenue South
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: the saga continues
1PM Nice. I Gave Him Some Crackers without Incident
Asian coworker #1: Bob gave me some egg rolls, you want one?
Asian coworker #2: Was he being nice or racist?
2075 High Hill Road
Bridgeport, New Jersey
Overheard by: I like chinese too
12PM You'll Never Be Ready
Coworker: Like, when the guy comes to the campus center with all the animals, I wanna know about that. I don't wanna go in and see the trained skunk and think, 'I'm not ready!'
Amherst, Massachusetts
11AM And Yet, They Give Away Lollipops
Ranting coworker filling out deposit: Where do all the paper clips go? Everything gets paper-clipped together, and I never see the paper clips again! I'll bet the bank takes all the paper clips from our deposits, puts them into little boxes and sells them back to us -- that's where the bank really makes its money, you know.
291 Highway
Liberty, Missouri
Overheard by: stealing the paper clips
10AM Actually, He Just Likes to Look at Himself in the Reflection
Coworker #1: Yeah, my DVD won't record my VHS tapes over to disks. I was messing with it all night.
Coworker #2: Well, DVD players sometimes have different formats -- maybe you just didn't get the right format.
Coworker #1: Here are the disks I was using. Are these the right format for my DVD recorder?
Coworker #2: These are CDs. Where did you get these from?
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: You need to get DVD disks, these are for music.
Coworker #1: I just want to put my VHS tapes on DVDs, and it's not working.
Coworker #2: You bought CDs, you need to go and buy DVDs to do that.
Coworker #1: I've been working on this for the past two days.
Chicago, Illinois
9AM What about a Carrot? I Could Do a Carrot, I Think
Employee: I got pulled over for speeding last week, but somehow I got out of the ticket. What is the best way to do that, really?
Boss who's an ex-cop: I once had a guy tell me he had a cucumber shoved up his ass, so I took him to the hospital and found out it was true.
Employee: Did you give him the ticket?
Boss who's an ex-cop: Hell no.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: I'll take the ticket, thanks
5PM Suzy Goes Predator-Trolling to Amuse Herself
Eight-year-old girl running up to her mother in line: I'm 13, and you don't know me!
JC Penney
Eugene, Oregon
4PM Okay, Everybody Charge Things to This Dude!
Cashier: ... And do you have your Hudson's Bay credit card with you today?
Gangster #1: My what?
Cashier: HBC credit card. It's gold.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man. I think so. Uhhh... Is this it?
Cashier: No, that's your MasterCard. I'm looking for the HBC card, if you have it.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man, HBC! They always be sendin' me bills in the mail and shit, you know, and I don't even know why!
Gangster #2: Dude, that's HSBC. That's the bank.
Gangster #1: Oh.
Gangster #2: You don't even know the difference, do you?
Gangster #1: Not really. So, like, one has an S and one doesn't have an S, right? Is that it?
Gangster #2: No, it's completely different.
Gangster #1: Well, so what, man? I still gotta pay the bills whether it has an S or whether it don't have an S, right?
Zellers Lansdowne Mall
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia
3PM I'm Just a Sub and Usually Teach Calculus
History professor after a long explanation: But I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, though.
University of Tulsa, 600 South College Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
2PM Let's See... You Look Like about a Size Eight...
Interning scientist #1: Dammit, I can't find my spleen! I lost my spleen!
Interning scientist #2: Well, I have extra spleens -- you can have one of mine if it works.
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Overheard by: HK
1PM Anybody Can Do a Good Job with Information
Boss #1: Did you prepare an overview of the meeting for the lab?
Boss #2: No.
Boss #1: Why not?
Boss #2: I didn't go.
Boss #1: Oh, yeah, I went to the meeting.
Lab member: Did you prepare a overview?
Boss #1: No.
Clinical Science Research Building
Saint Louis, Missouri
12PM Start Shopping for Curtains
Female coworker: If I don't get into law school, I'll just get knocked-up and be a house wife. I call it 'Plan B.'
910 Louisiana Street
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: I need a backup plan like that
11AM No Shirt, the White Stretch Pants...
Hipster: You know, you can really tell who loved the Smurfs as a kid.
610 SW Broadway
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Maggie Mae
10AM So: No Desk and a Series of 'Special Projects'
Female boss: Well, there's other ways to handle it.
Male boss: I know. It becomes, 'Why should I fire you when I can make your job miserable and make you quit?'
55th Street and 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Dude, Turn off the iPod
Coworker on speakerphone with messenger center: Last name is Baratta.
Messenger center: Spell it.
Coworker: B-A-R-A-T-T-A.
Messenger center, repeating: P-V-R-G-G-A?
Coworker: ... What does that even spell?!
1 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Davey
5PM Susan Smith: 'It Was Just a Really Late-Term Abortion'
Editor: A 35-year-old woman died, and when her family went to clean out her apartment they found three fetuses in the freezer.
Producer: Were they pre-term fetuses or post-term fetuses?
Reporter: Uh, those would be called 'babies.
Murfreesboro Road
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: lp's habit
4PM Call Me When the Atmosphere Ignites
Coworker #1: It's too hot for this time of year. It should not be 80 in November.
Coworker #2: Yeah, I know. It's almost enough to make you believe in that global warning myth.
Downtown Fort Worth, Texas
3PM Lube and Oil Change?
Voice on PA: Can we get a customer service in the women's room?
Safeway
Gilroy, California
Overheard by: mind in the gutter
2PM Make Her Come up with a Better Slogan Than 'Can You Hear Me Now?'
Young ad executive #1: Anybody want a Jamba Juice? Sam the intern is going to make a run.
Young ad executive #2: Yeah, but why are you getting a Jamba Juice? You just ate lunch.
Young ad executive #1: I don't really want one, I just feel bad the intern has nothing to do.
7th Avenue and 23rd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Corn Mash Whiskey
1PM I'm Not Giving up Show Business, Though
Becky*: Sometimes, when I'm sick, I think, 'What did I do to deserve this?' And then I remember, 'Oh, yeah -- ass to mouth.'
830 W Warner Road
Gilbert, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
12PM Like Now, I Wish I Could Find the Exit
Manager #1: I really respect the fact that Bill Clinton was a Rhodes scholar. It shows how intelligent he is.
Manager #2: Yeah, me too. I'm terrible with maps. I respect anyone who can read one.
870 Winter Street
Waltham, Massachusetts
11AM Why Does This Have Coal in It?
Administrator: How was your Christmas?
Boss: Great. Now all I want is to get some sleep and find my underwear.
3740 Mill Creek Road
Mentone, California
10AM Just Got His Room the Way He Likes It
Cashier: Okay, so can I get your address so we can ship the unit to you? [Old lady gives the cashier her address.] And you, sir? What's yours?
40-year-old son wearing a 'Vote for Pedro' shirt: It's the same as my mom's.
RadioShack
California
Overheard by: SK
9AM And for My Presentation, I'll Be Performing 'Bop Gun'
Third grader: Hey, for our project do we gotta write about a black person?
Teacher: No, you don't have to write about a black person.
Third grader: My mom wants me to write about George Clinton.
Teacher: Do you mean Bill Clinton?
Third grader: Nah, I meant Thomas Jefferson.
Teacher: Oh, he's okay.
7th Street & Sansom Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Teacher Noga
5PM And Who Has Them All in His Desk
Staffer #1: Hey, Gary*, do you have a spoon?
Staffer #2: What kind of spoon?
Staffer #1: Um, one to eat liquids with... What other kinds of spoons are there?
Staffer #2: Well, jeez -- there's fishing spoons, crack spoons, and cuddling positions.
Staffer #1: You're the only person I know who would ever think of those kinds of spoons over a soup spoon.
Waterfront
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Fork and Knife
4PM Seriously, Never Condo Shop When You're High
Waitress #1: I hate working here.
Waitress #2: Then why do you?
Waitress #1: Because, I bought a condo in San Diego, and now I have to work here on the weekends to make sure my mortgage is paid.
Waitress #2: Can't you just return it? Or sell it back?
Waitress #1: I don't have the receipt.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Stephanie Burns
3PM So I Can Relate to You Guys Who Know Nothing
Information technology director to management team: You know me - I'm not real technological.
125 S Congress Street
Jackson, Mississippi
2PM From Fashion Designers
Woman: I wish I had an overactive thyroid.
Man: Yeah, you'd get a lot of attention that way.
Elevator, 550 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Heather
1PM It's All in My GlyphsNotes
Student: Yeah, my name is Frank, but I go by Franco, only the 'O' isn't an 'O,' it's a sun glyph.
NIC, CDA
Idaho
12PM I Am Shocked. Shocked!
Cube dweller: Do not Google 'Britney Spears' vagina.' All you get is porn.
455 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Alex
11AM That Certainly Gives You More Career Choices
30-something coworker to staff member's nephew: So, you can get weapons... Can you also cast spells and do magic?
Nephew, playing a medieval computer game: Yeah. That's called 'Religion.' Some people get really into religion, but I don't. I just like killing stuff.
University of Sydney office
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Wil Dog
10AM Wow, Nobody at My Last Job Was Even Interested
Female coworker #1: I love to eat!
Female coworker #2: I have such a big appetite, I bet I could eat you under the table!
214 Lincoln Street
Allston, Massachusetts
9AM Today We've Replaced Sally's Network TV with HBO. Let's See What Happens.
Bubbly girl: You know what's a funny word? 'Fucker...' And 'bitches.'
Oak Lawn
Cook County, Illinois
Overheard by: erin
5PM You'll Find That I'm Strict, but Fair
Office worker: Hey, do you have a yard stick?
Supervisor: No, but I have a riding crop.
Human Services Building, Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
4PM I Know It's True for Me, at Least
Head trainer: Let's face it, if you could be all that you could be, you wouldn't be working here...
Class: [Silence.]
Trainee #1: [Applause.]
Trainees #2 and #3: [Applause.]
Mutual of America, 320 Park Avenue
New York, New York
3PM They Merge Cells. There, I Said It!
Managing editor on speakerphone: Do you know how to adjust columns in Excel?
Assistant: No...
Managing editor: What do you know?
Assistant: Um... I know that when a man and a woman get together, they--
Managing editor: --Come to my office.
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
2PM Logicians Tell Us This Is 'Trivially True'
Receptionist: Why would he think he could do that? Why would he think I'd be interested?
Coworker: I don't know. Did you give him some kind of sign?
Receptionist: What? Because I was nice?! I'm nice to every one-legged hooker with an eyepatch who comes in here!
East Osborn
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: It Happens Every Day
1PM China: We'll Put It Right Next to Tibet
Employee #1: Is Thailand really a type of land?
Employee #2: I think it's a city in... China, maybe?
Employee #1: Ohhh.
Post office
West Palm Beach, Florida
12PM After Listening to the Candidates' Debate
Female coworker: I don't think being gay is a choice. When a baby is in the womb, it makes that decision.
200 Corporate Drive
Lebanon, New Jersey
11AM Hey, What Happens in the Louisiana Purchase Stays in the Louisiana Purchase
Coworker #1 looking at a nickel: What the heck is this?
Coworker #2: It's about the Lewis and Clark expedition.
Coworker #1: Didn't they eat each other?
Wichita, Kansas
10AM Okay, So Only That One Time
Janitor to coworkers: Man, these customers be crazy. The other night I was moppin' the floor, and this bitch come up to me and said, 'It's not time to mop the floor yet!' Lady, do I come to your job and smack the dick outta your mouth?
Natural Food Store breakroom
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: disgruntled employee
9AM It'll Be Reanimation Thursdays All Over Again
Coworker #1: You know what we should do? Pool our money together and buy a cat.
Coworker #2: Would anybody feed it? 'Cause I don't want no dead cat runnin' around here.
Des Moines, Iowa
Overheard by: Gir
5PM Get 'em Blessed, You Mean?
Student: Let's play the penis game!
Religion class, All Saints High School
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: freshman whisperer
4PM It's Just How Things Are Aboard the Pequod
VP yelling into phone: If I have the whale, then I'm king! Everyone has to follow me!
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
3PM We Won't Be at Work on That Day, Smart Guy
Black coworker: Oh, it's Hanukkah! That's why I keep seeing so many Jews around.
Jewish coworker: What the fuck? You just wait until Martin Luther King day and see what I say to you...
42nd Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Whatever, Mom
Cashier: Hi! How are you doing?
Customer, sighing: I'm 83 years old, my kids don't visit me and when they do their kids annoy the fuck out of me, I haven't had sex in 20 years, and you're out of my favorite ice cream.
Cashier: Look, lady, I didn't really care -- next time just freaking smile and say, 'I'm fine, how are you?' Now... Have a good day.
Customer: Thank you. See you tomorrow.
Piggly Wiggly
Farmville, North Carolina
Overheard by: MB
1PM That Milkshake Machine Was a Great Idea
Coworker #1: Have you been in the men's room lately?
Coworker #2: What? Oh, yeah.
Coworker #1: I like how it's coming out all foamy.
Camden Street
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: Ren
12PM It's a Temporary Chemical Imbalance
Manager: Why are your eyes so red?
Waiter: I'm just really tired. Also, when I don't get a lot of sleep, sometimes I smell like pot.
Haynes Bridge Road
Alpharetta, Georgia
11AM ... And Send It to Somebody Else?
Employee: I just sent you that email with the summary of all the outstanding issues on the project.
Boss: Thanks. Could you write a summary of that email?
111 3rd Avenue S
Minneapolis, Minnesota
10AM Answering Took a Calendar, a Highlighter and an Hour
Teen clerk: The TV commercial said it is a two-day sale. What day of the week is Twoday?
Adult clerk: Not 'Twoday,' but one day plus one day equals two days for the sale.
Teen clerk: Oh, okay... Then what two days of the week are called 'Twoday'?
5760 Highway 80 E
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
9AM A Super Wal-Mart?
Associate: Do you think you could survive if we dropped you in the middle of the rainforest?
Temp: No way -- I would die for sure.
Associate: What about if we dropped you in a Wal-Mart?
383 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
5PM I Think They Start Dating the Owl
IT guy #1: When you work in a restaurant it seems like everyone starts dating each other. I once knew these two that worked at Subway, and they started dating.
IT guy #2: That's barely a restaurant.
IT guy #1: Do you think the girls at Hooters start dating each other?
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: DB
4PM She Had to Get All Kinds of Shots, Actually
Coworker: My sister got bit once, and she needed to get a tetanus shot.
Receptionist: What kind of dog was it?
Coworker: No, it was a girl at Taco Bell.
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: What am I doing here
3PM Too Far up the Pyramid of Technology
Customer: I'm looking for a special kind of bead.
Bead store clerk: Okay, can you describe it?
Customer: Well, it's flat and has four holes in it. I know there's a name for them, but I just can't remember it. You can sew them into clothing...
Bead store clerk: Do you mean a button?
Customer: Yes! Do you have buttons?
Bead store clerk: Um, no.
Newport Village
Port Moody, British Columbia
Canadia
2PM Or Defrost a Poodle
Coworker: Oooh, look at that microwave. It's all '50s and industrial and stuff.
Boss: Yeah, look how big it is. You could cook a whole baby in there!
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Glad I'm not her baby
1PM Well, Forewarned Is Forearmed. Oh, Sorry.
Lawyer to secretary: Now, you treat my sex offender nicely. He'll be here with his one-armed wife later.
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: Alex
12PM I've Been Looking for a Cheap Place
Perky woman: So, my friend's neighbor was totally murdered on her front yard.
Man: Cool!
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Super grad student
11AM Should Stop That Necktie from Fraying
Man: I'm going to get my thing cauterized. [Pause] Not my thing, but my thing.
Primark Eastbourne
United Kingdom
10AM Some Guys Give You the Coke Directly
Chick: 'Cause, you know, if you're fucking a guy and you need, say, 10 or 20 dollars, he should give it to you, no questions asked.
880 Roosevelt Boulevard
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: Norcross
9AM Hastening My Demise Seems Like the Right Thing to Do
Manager: I have a bunch of file folders. Can you sort them by color?
Assistant: Sure.
Manager: They're in the back.
Assistant, returning with folders: These are all green.
Manager: Well, they're different shades of green.
Assistant: Not really. It's just that some are more faded than others.
Manager: I just think it would look nice if you sorted them into a pile of folders with straight greens and a pile with more of a spongy print. Are you okay with that?
Assistant: Sure. [To herself] There's a lot of reasons why I don't quit smoking.
North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
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