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January 2007 Archives
5PM I Can't Wait Until It's Over the Counter!
Woman #1: I haven't been feeling well at all lately.
Woman #2: You know what's really good? Aleve.
Woman #1: What?!
Woman #2: Aleve.
Woman #1: Oh, I thought you said, 'weed'!
200 Varick Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Eve's droppings
4PM You Have to Cut Out Sugar
Guy on phone: Slim-Fast doesn't work if you eat half a cake every night.
Stratford, Connecticut
3PM Except That My First Is to Learn to Write
Lowly assistant: We are supposed to have our monthly, quarterly, and annual goals prepared for Tuesday's meeting.
Lawyer: Really? Tell the office manager to send me everyone else's goals.
Office manager: I probably won't have them before the meeting.
Lawyer: But I don't know what my goals are.
1500 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: It's Comcastic
2PM My Career Is in Your Tiny Hands
Navy commander to his three-year old who's locked herself in the connecting bathroom again: Susie*, open this door at once! I command you!
Visiting officer's quarters, Tachikawa Air Force base
Tokyo
Japan
1PM Another Lucky Darwin Awards Contender
Man: Hey, do you know what ski-shooting is?
Lady: Ski-shooting?
Man: Yeah... Ski-shooting... Where you shoot at things while you are skiing.
Lady: Do you mean skeet-shooting? They don't ski and shoot... They shoot at clay disk things.
Man: Oh, is that what it's called? So they don't ski while they are shooting?
Lady: No... But when you try it let me know. I want to see that.
St. Louis, Missouri
12PM Now with 25 Percent More Ash!
Blonde admiring coworker's haircut: He did a good job. I like that cut a lot.
Redhead: Thanks! I like it, too. It just feels a little greasy 'cause of all that stuff he uses.
Blonde: Ew. Yeah. I hate Pompeii.
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: goofopet
11AM Blade 4: The Retirement
Loud guy in lobby: I mean, I love sharp knives a lot, but not that much. That's just too much!
495 Metro Place South
Dublin, Ohio
Overheard by: Wondering How Much Is Too Much
10AM Beyond a Reasonable Doubt
Attorney: Oh, god, not her. She is an insufferable hag. Tell her I'm not in the office.
Temp on phone: I'm sorry, ma'am, he's out of the office... Well, I apologize, but he's not here right now... Yes, I'm aware that lying to another attorney is unethical... Ma'am, you did not hear his voice in the background... No, I'm telling you, he's not here... Well, how do you know that was his voice? Couldn't it have been an intern or another attorney? ... Well if it sounded like him, who's to say his son isn't visiting today and that's whose voice you heard? Yes, I'll give him the message. Thank you.
Attorney: So... Have you considered law school?
Long Island law firm
Long Island, New York
9AM The Extraction Went Further Than Expected
Suit: I really don't think my wife got a total abdominal hysterectomy in a dentist's office... That's probably the wrong code...
Palo Alto, California
5PM Not All on the Same Day, As Her Suit Alleges
Boss: It's not like I was banging her in the supply closet.
Bigger boss: But you did bang her in the supply closet and in your office... And, for that matter, my fucking office, you asshole.
Boss: Yeah, but those were different occasions.
Alpharetta, Georgia
4PM Mine's Dead, but I Haven't Yet Lost Hope
Coworker: How's your son?
Boss: He's sick all the time, but other than that he's fine.
201 North Craig Street, Suite 500
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: revho13
3PM I'm Not Sure, Doctor
Man: Oooh, whatever was on my finger tasted good! I wonder what it was...
Dallas, Texas
2PM Come On! When She Bites the Male's Head Off? Priceless
Suit: Who knew she had a sense of humor? She seems like someone more amused by insects mating on National Geographic.
Wausau, Wisconsin
1PM No Police Tape This Time?
Boss: So, how was everybody's weekend?
Mother of the year, proudly: I got so drunk at my daughter's sixth birthday party that I passed out on the couch at three p.m. I think my husband kept an eye on all the kids, but either way, everyone was gone when I woke up at 5:30.
Lebanon, New Jersey
Overheard by: she was gone, too, from the sound of it.
12PM A Dinette Set Was Behind Door #2
Woman to friend: I don't mind telling you -- I have just recently accepted Jesus into my life as my personal savior and salvation, and my life has changed so much. I mean, look -- I got a Lincoln Continental!
Starbucks, 2300 Mendocino Avenue
Santa Rosa, California
Overheard by: Thankful to God for other reasons
11AM Could Be the Year He Moves Out of His Parents' Basement
Clerk: You know, the adult videos are 'Buy two, get a third free.'
Best girlfriend evar: Really? Honey, go get that one we were looking at.
Boyfriend: What, the one with the two blondes on the cover?
BGE: No, no -- the pirates one.
Boyfriend: Okay, be right back.
BGE, as soon as he's out of earshot: Quick, while he's gone can you box up that Spiderman statue behind you, too?
Minneapolis, Minnesota
10AM I Only Left That in the Band Room
Female coworker: So, we have to keep the media room locked now, because the janitor is all upset about the mess the high school kids make.
Male coworker: What kind of mess?
Female coworker: He says they leave gum all over the floor.
Male coworker: What?! That's so incredibly disgusting!
Female coworker, surprised: You think so?
Male coworker: Yes! I can't believe it!
Female coworker: You never did anything like that when you were a teenager?
Male coworker, highly indignant: I certainly did not!
Female coworker: You never chewed gum and spat it out on the floor?
Male coworker: Oh... I thought you said 'cum' on the floor...
Washington
Overheard by: juicy fruit
9AM It's Just Coming on the Market
Employee: This filter prevents more orgasms from getting into your drinking water than any other filter on the market!
Customer giggling: Uh-huh...
384 Placerville Drive
Placerville, California
5PM Why Was That Ever a Valid Question for a Stranger to Ask on the Phone?
Girl #1: Let's prank someone.
Girl #2: Oh! We can call and say, 'Is your refrigerator running?'
Girl #1: Exactly!
Girl #2: ... I forget the punch line to that one.
Girl #1: Yeah... me, too.
330 Garden Street
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Violet White
4PM The Elevator Operators Are Messing with Him
Yuppie #1: You coming out tomorrow night? Gonna be a shit show.
Yuppie #2: As long as I don't wake up on random floors as I have the past two Thursdays!
5th Avenue
New York, New York
3PM I Asked You First
Old lady coworker: Toys? Yeah, I still play with toys. I have heaps of toys.
Old guy coworker: Yes, I love toys, too. Toys, toys, toys. Toys without the boys.
Old lady coworker: What?
Old guy coworker: What? What are you talking about?
Bourke Street
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Jay Blue
2PM No, for You, Dad. You've Got to Cut Back on the Krispy Kremes
14-year-old girl: Hi, I need a 36 double-D bra with no underwire and no padding.
11-year-old brother: Yeah! No padding!
Redneck dad: Son... Are you fixin' to buy one of them things for yourself?
Victoria's Secret, Apple Blossom Mall
Winchester, Virginia
Overheard by: Joanna
1PM Must... Resist... 'Crappy Gift'... Joke...
Guy #1: So, what did you get her for Christmas?
Guy #2: Oh, man, she's gonna love it -- I got her a padded toilet seat!
Guy #1: Cool.
Lime Ridge Mall, 999 Upper Wentworth Street
Hamilton, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: laughing myself stupid
12PM It Was Supposed to Eliminate Frizz
Bimbette #1: I burned my ear this morning.
Bimbette #2: Oh, on your curling iron?
Bimbette #1: No, with the coffee.
2402 West Beardsley Road
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: InvertedSpear
11AM And Do You Ever Clean Any of Them?
Mother to child: No, we already have nine guns at home!
Wal-Mart Supercenter, Conneaut Lake Road
Meadville, Pennsylvania
10AM She's Saying, 'I Want to Take Your Meeting Minutes'
Man to female coworker: I don't think you understand -- you brought in fried chicken for us. This gesture is a little more serious than, 'I can tolerate your presence,' and quite honestly, I'm not sure if I'm ready to take our relationship to that level.
M Street
Washington, DC
9AM ... Just Beef?
Coworker #1: What's a vegan?
Coworker #2: Ain't they those vegetarians that don't even eat chicken?
Engineering office
Jacksonville, Florida
5PM Might Be a Problem Hiring Eunuch Guardians
Boss's wife: Is he talking about having a harem again?
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
4PM And 12-Year-Olds Killed in Terrorist Attacks
Tech guy: You know, I was thinking the other day -- you know how when these terrorists die, they think they're getting, like, 40 virgins? Well, it occurred to me that the only virgins up there will be all these 80-something-year-old nuns...
Corporate Drive
Orangeburg, New York
Overheard by: amused temp
3PM The Left
Guy: The movie wasn't very good, but the chick was super hot. She was, like, half Chinese, half normal.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Supervisor
2PM You're Supposed to Use a Bottle for Abandoned Wildlife
Woman: ... And then he bit my nipple so hard it started to bleed.
Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: not a deaf waitress
1PM Maybe I Shouldn't Have Let Him Borrow All That Poe
Librarian: Have you met the new assistant director? He reminds me a lot of Randy -- you know -- Ralphie's little brother from A Christmas Story. Nobody wants to hang out with him. The other day I asked him how he was, and he actually held up a piece of rope and said, 'Oh, I'm hanging in there!' and gave me a creepy smile.
60 7th Street
Garden City, New York
Overheard by: Grace
12PM It's Cooler Than That, but I Don't Want You to Envy Me
Investor: Forget about it, I've got to go, because it's almost Shabbos.
Realtor: What happens when the sun goes down? Are you, like, a vampire or something?
Investor: We just chill.
Cleveland, Ohio
11AM Very Slow Fights Break Out
Distressed middle-aged man to wife: Well, that's what happens when you give spiked eggnog to old people!
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Confused Passerby
10AM ... They Ooze
Chick #1: Did anybody ever tell you that you look like a penis when you wear that hood?
Chick #2: I do not!
Chick #3: You should see her when she runs in that hood. Then she really looks like a penis...
Chick #2: Penises don't run!
Saint Francis University
Loretto, Pennsylvania
9AM A Glimpse of Shapely Ankles Cost Oswald His Composure
Lady on phone: No, he did not get in. He did make an attempt, but things went south from there... I was wearing my skirt with the slit up the side. Nooo, you can only see somethin' when I am sitting down... Because I am a lady.
18th and L Street NW
Washington, DC
5PM Because When You Just Keep Slapping Me, It Really Doesn't Get Your Point Across
Manager everyone loathes: It's okay to talk to me verbally about that...
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Glad I work in another department
4PM Why People Have Messy Offices
CSR picking up discarded empty box: It would come in handy, even if we never used it.
Laurel House, Old Dover Road
Canterbury, Kent
England
Overheard by: John Dunmore
3PM Dude, That's a Cable Spool
Stoner: I don't like tables, but that is one damn fine-looking table! I mean, when I have people over, and they're looking for something to sit on, I give them a milk crate. Milk crates for everyone!
Philly AIDS Thrift, 514 Bainbridge Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Herbie McHebrew
2PM I Learned That from Watching The L Word
Waitress: What can I get for you this evening?
Tourist: My brother here really wants to try some sushi, but he's never had any.
Brother: I'm afraid I can't handle the sushi.
Waitress: Oh, honey, no man can handle the sushi.
Sushi Samba
New York, New York
1PM I Woke Up Three Months Early!
Cashier #1 to customer: Have a good Easter.
Cashier #2: And have a Merry Christmas.
Cashier #1: Oh, shit.
Woolworth's
Brisbane
Australia
Overheard by: Lydia the Great
12PM It Must Be Love
Physical therapist: ... So he drove all the way down here, and I didn't even get his clothes off. We've just been back there talking the whole time.
1500 East Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Which kind of therapy?
11AM Too Bad We're Really More about Following Orders
Professor to group of peers grading cadet exams: Wow, now this kid's going to grow up to be a serial killer.
US Military Academy, West Point
Highland Falls, New York
10AM They Told Me It Only Happens after Sex with Boys
Girl #1: I'm not pregnant.
Girl #2: Oh, good! I found out this weekend that I'm not pregnant, either.
Boarding high school dorm
Beverly, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Teacher in the hallway... like they were trying to go through this together?
9AM Boy, If He Thought He Was Embarrassed Before...
Male coworker: It's funny, but my son is too embarrassed to buy condoms, so he just has anal sex with his girlfriend.
Female coworker: That's a good idea.
Yellowknife, Northwest Territories
British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Stinky Pinky
5PM California-Straight, Anyway
Interviewee: My current girlfriend used to be a lesbian, but she's straight now.
209 Redwood Shores Parkway
Redwood City, California
Overheard by: Interviewer in another row
4PM No Matter What, Dick Cheney's In!
IT guy #1: What is boxing day, anyway?
IT guy #2: Well, I Wikipedia-ed it and could only gather that it either has to do with killing birds, beating up servant girls, or selling off Christmas stuff nobody wants.
650 Park Avenue
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Dani
3PM And That's How Daddy Lost His Ear
Eight-year-old boy looking at DVD: Carnival.
Father: Read that again.
Eight-year-old boy: Car... Carb... Cannibal.
Father: Yeah, that means 'meat eater.'
Eight-year-old boy, after pause: Another word for that is 'carnivore.'
Father: Oh, I guess that actually means, 'One who eats their own'. [Longer pause] You know, once at a job site I was working at we had a guy who was arrested and taken away for cannibalism... But that wasn't in America.
Video Store, 5600 Bigger Road
Kettering, Ohio
2PM Bob's the Code We Use for Peter
Peon #1: Okay, 'MDB' is the code we use to get Bob's attention.
Peon #2: Great, now we just need to hire someone named Bob.
Copenhagen
Denmark
Overheard by: Dave
1PM Lousy Human Condition
Middle-aged secretary #1: Stuart* just farted in my ear. He was standing next to me when I was sitting at my desk, and he fucking farted in my ear!
Middle-aged secretary #2: Ew. I've been known to let one slip myself. And the pussy farts are the worst, because you can't control them.
Middle-aged secretary #1: I see we're keeping it real.
Law firm
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: ginny
12PM Choke First, Ask Questions Later
Woman on phone: So, are we talking about the left-hand chicken, or the one o'clock chicken?
Kansas City, Missouri
11AM Jaguar: Ironically, My Married Name Is 'Lion'
Young girl: Mr. Lion! Hello, Mr. Lion!
Mom: I think that's a jaguar.
Young girl: Hello, Mr. Lion!
Mom: That's not a lion, sweetie, that's a jaguar.
Young girl: Okay, mom, but I can't say that word. Mr. Lion!
Woodland Park Zoo
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: James
10AM Arthur Murray Reconsiders His Business Plan
IT guy: What do you mean you've never shot a gun? You never made your friends dance by shooting at their feet?
915 Broadway
New York, New York
9AM Oh, and Photocopy the Porn
Male coworker #1: So, what do you even do back there, Allen*?
Male coworker #2: Apart from sifting through all of that mail.
Male coworker #1: And making photocopies.
Allen: Watch porn and whack off.
Male coworker #1, laughing: Seriously?
Allen: Hell yeah.
Male coworker #1: Dude. You're my idol.
Office on 48th Avenue
New York, New York