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December 2006 Archives
5PM You Win This Round, My Evil Queen
Chick: Hello?
Dude: Hey.
Chick: Take me off speakerphone!
Dude: [Picks up phone] Don't order me around like that!
Chick: Ha, ha... I like how you took me off speakerphone first and then told me not to order you around.
Dude: You are such a princess... Am I on speakerphone?
Chick: Yup.
Dude: Jerk.
403 & Highway 10
Mississauga, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: who's the boss?
4PM At the Abstinence-Only Education Policy Office
Boss: Can you put an extra postage on that envelope?
Office manager: Sure, why?
Boss: 'Cause it gets there faster when you add an extra postage.
Office manager: Ummm... I'm pretty sure that doesn't make it go faster.
Boss: [Blank stare] Well... Just do it anyway.
Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
3PM No Responsibility Is So Slight That It Can't Be Abused
Manager: Just because I'm a manager they are treating me like I can't be a customer! I wanted to put something on hold and they said, 'No, that's for customers.' I have a key to this bitch! I'll be all up in here ringing that shit up myself.
Valley Stream, New York
Overheard by: J-Face
2PM This Is an Ex-Patient!
Receptionist: So we're going to need to reschedule his appointment, then?
Nurse: No, Mary*, this patient has passed away.
Receptionist: Okay, so then I'll call him in the morning?
Nurse: You don't understand. He's dead.
Receptionist: Well, Dr. Smith* has a slot open for Monday...
Nurse: He's dead.
Providence Hospital, 5th Street and Colby Avenue
Everett, Washington
1PM I Changed My Name -- It Was Just Easier
Cashier: You're new? What's your name?
Newbie: Ryan.
Cashier: Brian?
Newbie: Ryan.
Cashier: It's good to know you, Brian.
Newbie: Ryan. It's Ryan, with an 'R.'
Cashier: Huh? What do you mean, 'with an R'? Is there any way to spell Brian without an 'R'?
Newbie: I suppose not, no.
2020 Gunbarrel Road
Chattanooga, Tennessee
12PM Why You Hire Talking Dogs Is Beyond Me
Male employee: I want you to know, Cindy* will be complaining to you about something I said to her. It's all a lie, though.
Manager #1: Oookay...
Male employee: She's gonna say I called her a 'dirty fucking cunt.'
Manager #2: Ohhh, boy...
Male employee: But it's bullshit. I called her a 'dirty fucking bitch.' I don't use the 'C'-word.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
11AM That's My Time!
Old lady, told class would run late: I have to get home and toss my husband's salad!
Class erupts with laughter, and the boy next to her explains the innuendo.
Old lady: If I was going to lick his ass, I'd say so... But it isn't something I'd do before dinner.
CCSN campus
Las Vegas, Nevada
10AM The Must-Have Accessory for People Who Are Full of It
Woman to young girl: Oh, I got some news that will make you so jealous! I have two colons!
87th Avenue and Roberts Road
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: sarah
9AM I Probably Would Never Do That with a Real Baby
Girl #1: Um, where is your baby?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Your baby -- where is it?
Girl #2: Shit.
Girl #1: You forgot it, didn't you? You know those things have computer chips in them that register every time it cries or burps or poops, right? Your grade depends on that chip's happiness!
Girl #2: Um, I think I left it in my boyfriend's truck... since Thursday.
Home Economics class, Ironwood High School
Tucson, Arizona
5PM Gives You Strength to Fight the War on Obesity
Large coworker: What you do is you split the Krispy Kreme in half and grill it, then put the cheeseburger on it, and I swear, it's the best way to have it.
Capitol Hill
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Jessica
4PM As Shown on This Scatter Diagram
Coworker: Every time he gets out of jail I end up pregnant.
Masonic Drive
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Nurse
3PM The Kind God Hates
Boss: Wait, what's 'fornication'? I don't know that word. Is it like fighting?
Coworker: Uh, no. It's like sex.
Roselle, Illinois
Overheard by: my vocabulary is better than yours
2PM Why Glade Discontinued Their 'Tequila Passions' Line
Korean chick, gasping: It smells like drunk Mexican in here!
144 South Glendale Avenue
Glendale, California
1PM It'll Take More Than That to Get in the Club
Manager: Yeah, my uncle owns a car lot -- he's a Jew.
Worker: Oh, your uncle is Jewish?
Manager: No, he just rips people off.
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: She did not just say that!
12PM You Mean Its Public Face or Its Seamy Underbelly?
Coworker: There is a really neat installation art center in Omaha.
Boss: What city in Omaha?
Coworker: Uh... Omaha.
Boss: Right, but what city?
Coworker: [Long pause] Hard to say.
Woodhaven, New York
11AM Gives a New Meaning to 'Dirty Cop'
Cop: Oh my god! This peanut butter pie is so good, I just want to rub it all over my ass and dance around the lobby!
Tanner Road
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: Xtina
10AM I'm Sure They Felt a Vague Sense of Discomfort
Dude: I bought a tea today in the first time in months.
Chick: I'm proud of you...?
Dude: Well, I threw it away when I got back here.
Chick: What? Why?
Dude: There wasn't any sugar in it.
Chick: Did you ask for sweet tea? Wait, we're in the South -- it should just be assumed you want sweet tea.
Dude: Yeah, I know, right? But it wasn't.
Chick: You should have asked them if they just weren't catering to their southern customers and made a scene. That would have been fun.
Dude: Well, I did yell at them. I was, like, four miles away at the time, but I was really cussing them out.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Actually, Those Things Say 'Halloween Party'
Secretary: Well, I'm out for the rest of the day. I've got a doctor's appointment.
Coworker: Oh, have fun!
Secretary: Yeah... Because nothing says 'party' like bloodwork and pap smears...
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
5PM The Only Case in New York
Somber attorney on phone: I've got some very bad news... I just got off the phone with the vet, and little Bobo's sick... He's got a case of bad attitude. That's right, a bad attitude.
Empire State Building
New York, New York
Overheard by: Guy Smiley
4PM Maybe You Should Stop Sleeping with Sailors
Lady coworker #1 standing in hospital cafeteria line: Wow. Cod again? Why can't they have a bigger variety of seafood?
Lady coworker #2: It would be great if they would serve something besides fish, like shrimp or crab.
Lady coworker #1: Shellfish is always best when it's fresh, though. Whenever I go to the East Coast I always come back with crabs.
2801 W Oklahoma Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
3PM It's Been Separated from the Fruits of Its Labor
Customer on phone: How come my phone doesn't work?
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
2PM God, I Miss Marketing!
CFO with faraway gaze: It would be a lot of fun to defraud people.
535 8th Avenue
New York, New York
1PM We Export It
Chinese immigrant driver: Everyone is talking about gay marriage. What is 'gay'?
Lady driver: It's, uh, when two men or two women like each other in a, uh, sexual way.
Chinese immigrant driver: Oh! We don't have that in China.
Calgary International Airport Parkade
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Girl Driver #2
12PM He's Cheech and Chong's Pete Best
Assistant manager: Where the hell did you go? I came up front, and a bunch of girls were dragging you out of the store.
Coworker, chuckling: They needed me to show them how to roll a joint.
Assistant manager: I didn't hear that [walks away].
291 Highway
Liberty, Missouri
11AM She's Seen One Too Many Star Trek Episodes
Blonde #1: So, can you email me the paper sample when you receive it?
Blonde #2: Ahhh... no.
Wili Pa Loop
Wailuku, Hawaii
10AM Okay, Now Gently Place Half of a Potato over It...
IT chick: Okay, okay, slow down... Your mouse isn't working? [Pause] Ma'am... Ma'am, pick it up off the floor.
Internet domain registrar company
Scottsdale, Arizona
9AM It's Too Late to Save This Conversation
Straight guy #1: Are we actually watching the Ellen DeGeneres Show?
Straight guy #2: It's just on.
Straight guy #3: I think she's hot.
Straight guy #2: Ellen DeGeneres is hot?
Straight guy #3: Yeah.
Straight guy #2: I saw her in real life once.
Straight guy #3: Yeah, where?
Straight guy #2: I was in a lesbian disco in West Hollywood.
Straight guy #3: Wait, she's gay?
Straight guy #2: Ellen? Are you kidding?
Straight guy #3: Oh, I thought we were talking about Rachael Ray.
1260 Library Street
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: little*bit
5PM And He's Stopped Fixing Himself Up
Boss: You're starting to sound like my wife.
Employee: He can't sound like your wife, he doesn't hate you.
Boss: Yes, he does.
300 Pompton Road
Wayne, New Jersey
Overheard by: Lots of love going around
4PM The Sound of the Chainsaw Was the Tip-Off
Coworker #1: I'm really excited about getting my hair cut tonight.
Coworker #2: What are you going to have done?
Coworker #1: I don't know. I usually just say, 'Surprise me.'
Coworker #2: Oh. That's what I said last time...
Coworker #1: That was a big mistake for you, wasn't it?
111 South 1st Avenue
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: McMathis
3PM Anything's Funny When Done in Lederhosen
Chick: My boyfriend and I love to beat the shit out of each other. But it's okay, because we are both German.
Austin, Texas
2PM You Have None of the Lying Skills You'll Need in Advertising
HR manager: How long do you plan to be with the company?
Girl interviewee: Until I find something better.
HR manager: Okay, I think that about does it. Thank you for coming in.
Brentwood, Tennessee
1PM And You May Find Yourself Living in a Shotgun Shack
Consultant on phone: When you fill out this skills assessment form you may find you have skills you don't have.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Frumious Bandersnatch
12PM Shortly Thereafter He Was Favored with a Practical Lesson on the Differences Between Kung Fu and Tae Kwan Do
School director to parent considering enrolling child: Our classes are full. We have a waiting list.
Parent: [Blank look.]
School director: You are Chinese?
Parent: No, Korean.
School director: But you speak Chinese.
Parent: No, Korean.
School director: Well, that's the same thing, right?
Irving, Texas
11AM Really, Why Does There Have to Be a Box at All?
Account executive on phone to media planner: All this thinking out of the box... I mean, the box doesn't have to be square.
150 W Jefferson Avenue
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: I guess she has a hat box
10AM Miss, Your Tail Light Is Out
Girl: I don't care! I am all for police brutality. Seriously! I don't care!
900 University Avenue
Riverside, California
Overheard by: i live too close to los angeles
9AM Love All
Project manager: Man, my partner nailed me in the ass last night! [Shocked coworkers stare.] Tennis... We were playing doubles tennis!
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: CorpusChristi
5PM Maybe We Should Have Drilled This First
Coworker over intercom: It's been brought to our attention that there is a downed power line in the courtyard. Please avoid it when walking between buildings. [Five minutes later] An addendum to the last message: Please avoid walking between buildings if possible. [Five minutes more, fire alarm going off] Okay everyone, we're going to evacuate Building One*. Everyone please calmly make your way to Building Two*.
Boss screaming in background: No, no! The other door! Not that way!
5600 Main Street
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Someone in the other building...
4PM But the Memories Keep Me Warm at Night
Boss who looks like a leprechaun: Once, a few years ago when I got my hair cut I was stopped twice in a span of six months on the street by people telling me I looked just like Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Shocked employee: Really?
Boss: Well, that was before my face got fat... Never happened again, though.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: WantsToChokeTheBoss
3PM Also Like... What's the Word? ... Real Life
Coworker #1 watching pep rally pass by: Why aren't any of the guy cheerleaders hot? The girls are all pretty -- the guys should be hotter.
Coworker #2: It's kind of like... What do you call it? ... Porn.
328 W Lane Avenue
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: (Snort)
2PM You Need to Do Both Sessions. Twice.
Manager #1: So, what do we do if any of our employees don't show up for the mandatory Ethics Training?
VP: You direct them to the supplemental Ethics Training, online.
Manager #2: Couldn't we just write their names in on the sign-in sheet and say that they were at the ethics thing?
Melville, New York
1PM Can't Go Wrong with the Classics
Coworker: Any religion involving rams' blood is fine by me.
Yaletown
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: DaveM
12PM They Save the Real Lobster for the Paying Customers
Interviewer: When I was visiting the Culinary Institute in Hyde Park, the chefs created a lobster sorbet that was really interesting. Did you have to make it when you went to school there?
Candidate: Yeah, that shit is the cat's litter.
Interviewer, confused: Really?
3350 Las Vegas Boulevard
Las Vegas, Nevada
11AM It's the Usual Story, Really...
Security guard #1: ... So then she got arrested again.
Security guard #2: Oh, what's that now?
Security guard #1: Yeah, she got arrested for stealing chickens.
333 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Krazy Karl
10AM I Want to Know Why I Called You
Manager: Excuse me, sir, do you have me on speakerphone?
Guy: No, you have me on speakerphone!
Manager: Oh, look at that. Sorry, this is a bad connection -- are you on a cell phone?
Guy: Yes, you called my cell phone.
Manager: Oh, right. Do you have a desk phone I can call?
Guy: No, you called my cell because I am not in the office. Now, what do you want?!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Is He Serious?
9AM Also, Let Me Show You Our Thermonuclear Insect Repellents
Customer: How powerful is that pressure washer?
Salesman: I'm not sure... Uh... It's powerful enough to take your toes off...
Honolulu, Hawaii
5PM As I Am
Broker to real estate agent in training: When you're doing an open house you have to talk to everybody, no matter how poor they look. You know, no matter how black they are... if you're racist.
Huntington, New York
4PM She Cries, 'More, More, More!'
Lawyer #1: Is 'Rebel Yell' on the CD? I sing that in the shower... And I find myself punching my fist up into the sky... in rebellion.
Lawyer #2: Wow.
Lawyer #1: My wife really enjoys it.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: AJF
3PM Baggers Can't Be Choosers
Manager to bagger: I need you to do a big favor for me... Actually, it's not a favor so much as your job.
Food and drug store
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Sarah
2PM That's the Coroner Office
Boss on phone: No, no, no, the corner office. Not the one with the goat beard!
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM We Won't Know for Sure until the Hearing
Woman: ...And I love him. But last night I was so embarrased -- I farted while we were making love.
Girl: Ew! That's so gross, you did not fart.
Woman: What the hell do you mean?
Girl: You queefed, okay?
4139 - 98 Street
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Dayton
12PM The Proper Medical Term Is 'Gazinta'
Cheerleader: What's that muscle called? My 'gunna'?
Coach: What? Your gunna? What are you talking about?
Cheerleader, pointing to her groin: My gunna, it hurts.
Coach: You mean your groin?
Cheerleader: Yeah, my gunna hurts.
Coach: Jesus.
610 W 4th Street
Buchanan, Michigan
Overheard by: and this is my future?
11AM Hey - Lesbians Can Be Superficial, Too!
Hostess #1: I wish I were a lesbian sometimes.
Hostess #2: Why is that?
Hostess #1: Oh, you know, so I could dress how I want.
Hostess #2: Ummm... You can do that anyway.
Hostess #1, laughing: Oh, you know what I mean! Baggy clothes!
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: scd
10AM No Wait, Sorry, That's This Week's General Hospital
Woman #1: Is Aaron* coming to your house during the holiday?
Woman #2: No, he's going to Connecticut to spend the money his mother stole from his father.
Woman #1: Well, that's not all bad.
Clothing store
Woodcliff Lake, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cashier