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December 2006 Archives
5PM You Win This Round, My Evil Queen
Chick: Hello?
Dude: Hey.
Chick: Take me off speakerphone!
Dude: [Picks up phone] Don't order me around like that!
Chick: Ha, ha... I like how you took me off speakerphone first and then told me not to order you around.
Dude: You are such a princess... Am I on speakerphone?
Chick: Yup.
Dude: Jerk.
403 & Highway 10
Mississauga, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: who's the boss?
4PM At the Abstinence-Only Education Policy Office
Boss: Can you put an extra postage on that envelope?
Office manager: Sure, why?
Boss: 'Cause it gets there faster when you add an extra postage.
Office manager: Ummm... I'm pretty sure that doesn't make it go faster.
Boss: [Blank stare] Well... Just do it anyway.
Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
3PM No Responsibility Is So Slight That It Can't Be Abused
Manager: Just because I'm a manager they are treating me like I can't be a customer! I wanted to put something on hold and they said, 'No, that's for customers.' I have a key to this bitch! I'll be all up in here ringing that shit up myself.
Valley Stream, New York
Overheard by: J-Face
2PM This Is an Ex-Patient!
Receptionist: So we're going to need to reschedule his appointment, then?
Nurse: No, Mary*, this patient has passed away.
Receptionist: Okay, so then I'll call him in the morning?
Nurse: You don't understand. He's dead.
Receptionist: Well, Dr. Smith* has a slot open for Monday...
Nurse: He's dead.
Providence Hospital, 5th Street and Colby Avenue
Everett, Washington
1PM I Changed My Name -- It Was Just Easier
Cashier: You're new? What's your name?
Newbie: Ryan.
Cashier: Brian?
Newbie: Ryan.
Cashier: It's good to know you, Brian.
Newbie: Ryan. It's Ryan, with an 'R.'
Cashier: Huh? What do you mean, 'with an R'? Is there any way to spell Brian without an 'R'?
Newbie: I suppose not, no.
2020 Gunbarrel Road
Chattanooga, Tennessee
12PM Why You Hire Talking Dogs Is Beyond Me
Male employee: I want you to know, Cindy* will be complaining to you about something I said to her. It's all a lie, though.
Manager #1: Oookay...
Male employee: She's gonna say I called her a 'dirty fucking cunt.'
Manager #2: Ohhh, boy...
Male employee: But it's bullshit. I called her a 'dirty fucking bitch.' I don't use the 'C'-word.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
11AM That's My Time!
Old lady, told class would run late: I have to get home and toss my husband's salad!
Class erupts with laughter, and the boy next to her explains the innuendo.
Old lady: If I was going to lick his ass, I'd say so... But it isn't something I'd do before dinner.
CCSN campus
Las Vegas, Nevada
10AM The Must-Have Accessory for People Who Are Full of It
Woman to young girl: Oh, I got some news that will make you so jealous! I have two colons!
87th Avenue and Roberts Road
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: sarah
9AM I Probably Would Never Do That with a Real Baby
Girl #1: Um, where is your baby?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Your baby -- where is it?
Girl #2: Shit.
Girl #1: You forgot it, didn't you? You know those things have computer chips in them that register every time it cries or burps or poops, right? Your grade depends on that chip's happiness!
Girl #2: Um, I think I left it in my boyfriend's truck... since Thursday.
Home Economics class, Ironwood High School
Tucson, Arizona
5PM Gives You Strength to Fight the War on Obesity
Large coworker: What you do is you split the Krispy Kreme in half and grill it, then put the cheeseburger on it, and I swear, it's the best way to have it.
Capitol Hill
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Jessica
4PM As Shown on This Scatter Diagram
Coworker: Every time he gets out of jail I end up pregnant.
Masonic Drive
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Nurse
3PM The Kind God Hates
Boss: Wait, what's 'fornication'? I don't know that word. Is it like fighting?
Coworker: Uh, no. It's like sex.
Roselle, Illinois
Overheard by: my vocabulary is better than yours
2PM Why Glade Discontinued Their 'Tequila Passions' Line
Korean chick, gasping: It smells like drunk Mexican in here!
144 South Glendale Avenue
Glendale, California
1PM It'll Take More Than That to Get in the Club
Manager: Yeah, my uncle owns a car lot -- he's a Jew.
Worker: Oh, your uncle is Jewish?
Manager: No, he just rips people off.
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: She did not just say that!
12PM You Mean Its Public Face or Its Seamy Underbelly?
Coworker: There is a really neat installation art center in Omaha.
Boss: What city in Omaha?
Coworker: Uh... Omaha.
Boss: Right, but what city?
Coworker: [Long pause] Hard to say.
Woodhaven, New York
11AM Gives a New Meaning to 'Dirty Cop'
Cop: Oh my god! This peanut butter pie is so good, I just want to rub it all over my ass and dance around the lobby!
Tanner Road
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: Xtina
10AM I'm Sure They Felt a Vague Sense of Discomfort
Dude: I bought a tea today in the first time in months.
Chick: I'm proud of you...?
Dude: Well, I threw it away when I got back here.
Chick: What? Why?
Dude: There wasn't any sugar in it.
Chick: Did you ask for sweet tea? Wait, we're in the South -- it should just be assumed you want sweet tea.
Dude: Yeah, I know, right? But it wasn't.
Chick: You should have asked them if they just weren't catering to their southern customers and made a scene. That would have been fun.
Dude: Well, I did yell at them. I was, like, four miles away at the time, but I was really cussing them out.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Actually, Those Things Say 'Halloween Party'
Secretary: Well, I'm out for the rest of the day. I've got a doctor's appointment.
Coworker: Oh, have fun!
Secretary: Yeah... Because nothing says 'party' like bloodwork and pap smears...
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
5PM The Only Case in New York
Somber attorney on phone: I've got some very bad news... I just got off the phone with the vet, and little Bobo's sick... He's got a case of bad attitude. That's right, a bad attitude.
Empire State Building
New York, New York
Overheard by: Guy Smiley
4PM Maybe You Should Stop Sleeping with Sailors
Lady coworker #1 standing in hospital cafeteria line: Wow. Cod again? Why can't they have a bigger variety of seafood?
Lady coworker #2: It would be great if they would serve something besides fish, like shrimp or crab.
Lady coworker #1: Shellfish is always best when it's fresh, though. Whenever I go to the East Coast I always come back with crabs.
2801 W Oklahoma Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
3PM It's Been Separated from the Fruits of Its Labor
Customer on phone: How come my phone doesn't work?
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
2PM God, I Miss Marketing!
CFO with faraway gaze: It would be a lot of fun to defraud people.
535 8th Avenue
New York, New York
1PM We Export It
Chinese immigrant driver: Everyone is talking about gay marriage. What is 'gay'?
Lady driver: It's, uh, when two men or two women like each other in a, uh, sexual way.
Chinese immigrant driver: Oh! We don't have that in China.
Calgary International Airport Parkade
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Girl Driver #2
12PM He's Cheech and Chong's Pete Best
Assistant manager: Where the hell did you go? I came up front, and a bunch of girls were dragging you out of the store.
Coworker, chuckling: They needed me to show them how to roll a joint.
Assistant manager: I didn't hear that [walks away].
291 Highway
Liberty, Missouri
11AM She's Seen One Too Many Star Trek Episodes
Blonde #1: So, can you email me the paper sample when you receive it?
Blonde #2: Ahhh... no.
Wili Pa Loop
Wailuku, Hawaii
10AM Okay, Now Gently Place Half of a Potato over It...
IT chick: Okay, okay, slow down... Your mouse isn't working? [Pause] Ma'am... Ma'am, pick it up off the floor.
Internet domain registrar company
Scottsdale, Arizona
9AM It's Too Late to Save This Conversation
Straight guy #1: Are we actually watching the Ellen DeGeneres Show?
Straight guy #2: It's just on.
Straight guy #3: I think she's hot.
Straight guy #2: Ellen DeGeneres is hot?
Straight guy #3: Yeah.
Straight guy #2: I saw her in real life once.
Straight guy #3: Yeah, where?
Straight guy #2: I was in a lesbian disco in West Hollywood.
Straight guy #3: Wait, she's gay?
Straight guy #2: Ellen? Are you kidding?
Straight guy #3: Oh, I thought we were talking about Rachael Ray.
1260 Library Street
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: little*bit
5PM And He's Stopped Fixing Himself Up
Boss: You're starting to sound like my wife.
Employee: He can't sound like your wife, he doesn't hate you.
Boss: Yes, he does.
300 Pompton Road
Wayne, New Jersey
Overheard by: Lots of love going around
4PM The Sound of the Chainsaw Was the Tip-Off
Coworker #1: I'm really excited about getting my hair cut tonight.
Coworker #2: What are you going to have done?
Coworker #1: I don't know. I usually just say, 'Surprise me.'
Coworker #2: Oh. That's what I said last time...
Coworker #1: That was a big mistake for you, wasn't it?
111 South 1st Avenue
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: McMathis
3PM Anything's Funny When Done in Lederhosen
Chick: My boyfriend and I love to beat the shit out of each other. But it's okay, because we are both German.
Austin, Texas
2PM You Have None of the Lying Skills You'll Need in Advertising
HR manager: How long do you plan to be with the company?
Girl interviewee: Until I find something better.
HR manager: Okay, I think that about does it. Thank you for coming in.
Brentwood, Tennessee
1PM And You May Find Yourself Living in a Shotgun Shack
Consultant on phone: When you fill out this skills assessment form you may find you have skills you don't have.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Frumious Bandersnatch
12PM Shortly Thereafter He Was Favored with a Practical Lesson on the Differences Between Kung Fu and Tae Kwan Do
School director to parent considering enrolling child: Our classes are full. We have a waiting list.
Parent: [Blank look.]
School director: You are Chinese?
Parent: No, Korean.
School director: But you speak Chinese.
Parent: No, Korean.
School director: Well, that's the same thing, right?
Irving, Texas
11AM Really, Why Does There Have to Be a Box at All?
Account executive on phone to media planner: All this thinking out of the box... I mean, the box doesn't have to be square.
150 W Jefferson Avenue
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: I guess she has a hat box
10AM Miss, Your Tail Light Is Out
Girl: I don't care! I am all for police brutality. Seriously! I don't care!
900 University Avenue
Riverside, California
Overheard by: i live too close to los angeles
9AM Love All
Project manager: Man, my partner nailed me in the ass last night! [Shocked coworkers stare.] Tennis... We were playing doubles tennis!
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: CorpusChristi
5PM Maybe We Should Have Drilled This First
Coworker over intercom: It's been brought to our attention that there is a downed power line in the courtyard. Please avoid it when walking between buildings. [Five minutes later] An addendum to the last message: Please avoid walking between buildings if possible. [Five minutes more, fire alarm going off] Okay everyone, we're going to evacuate Building One*. Everyone please calmly make your way to Building Two*.
Boss screaming in background: No, no! The other door! Not that way!
5600 Main Street
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Someone in the other building...
4PM But the Memories Keep Me Warm at Night
Boss who looks like a leprechaun: Once, a few years ago when I got my hair cut I was stopped twice in a span of six months on the street by people telling me I looked just like Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Shocked employee: Really?
Boss: Well, that was before my face got fat... Never happened again, though.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: WantsToChokeTheBoss
3PM Also Like... What's the Word? ... Real Life
Coworker #1 watching pep rally pass by: Why aren't any of the guy cheerleaders hot? The girls are all pretty -- the guys should be hotter.
Coworker #2: It's kind of like... What do you call it? ... Porn.
328 W Lane Avenue
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: (Snort)
2PM You Need to Do Both Sessions. Twice.
Manager #1: So, what do we do if any of our employees don't show up for the mandatory Ethics Training?
VP: You direct them to the supplemental Ethics Training, online.
Manager #2: Couldn't we just write their names in on the sign-in sheet and say that they were at the ethics thing?
Melville, New York
1PM Can't Go Wrong with the Classics
Coworker: Any religion involving rams' blood is fine by me.
Yaletown
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: DaveM
12PM They Save the Real Lobster for the Paying Customers
Interviewer: When I was visiting the Culinary Institute in Hyde Park, the chefs created a lobster sorbet that was really interesting. Did you have to make it when you went to school there?
Candidate: Yeah, that shit is the cat's litter.
Interviewer, confused: Really?
3350 Las Vegas Boulevard
Las Vegas, Nevada
11AM It's the Usual Story, Really...
Security guard #1: ... So then she got arrested again.
Security guard #2: Oh, what's that now?
Security guard #1: Yeah, she got arrested for stealing chickens.
333 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Krazy Karl
10AM I Want to Know Why I Called You
Manager: Excuse me, sir, do you have me on speakerphone?
Guy: No, you have me on speakerphone!
Manager: Oh, look at that. Sorry, this is a bad connection -- are you on a cell phone?
Guy: Yes, you called my cell phone.
Manager: Oh, right. Do you have a desk phone I can call?
Guy: No, you called my cell because I am not in the office. Now, what do you want?!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Is He Serious?
9AM Also, Let Me Show You Our Thermonuclear Insect Repellents
Customer: How powerful is that pressure washer?
Salesman: I'm not sure... Uh... It's powerful enough to take your toes off...
Honolulu, Hawaii
5PM As I Am
Broker to real estate agent in training: When you're doing an open house you have to talk to everybody, no matter how poor they look. You know, no matter how black they are... if you're racist.
Huntington, New York
4PM She Cries, 'More, More, More!'
Lawyer #1: Is 'Rebel Yell' on the CD? I sing that in the shower... And I find myself punching my fist up into the sky... in rebellion.
Lawyer #2: Wow.
Lawyer #1: My wife really enjoys it.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: AJF
3PM Baggers Can't Be Choosers
Manager to bagger: I need you to do a big favor for me... Actually, it's not a favor so much as your job.
Food and drug store
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Sarah
2PM That's the Coroner Office
Boss on phone: No, no, no, the corner office. Not the one with the goat beard!
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM We Won't Know for Sure until the Hearing
Woman: ...And I love him. But last night I was so embarrased -- I farted while we were making love.
Girl: Ew! That's so gross, you did not fart.
Woman: What the hell do you mean?
Girl: You queefed, okay?
4139 - 98 Street
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Dayton
12PM The Proper Medical Term Is 'Gazinta'
Cheerleader: What's that muscle called? My 'gunna'?
Coach: What? Your gunna? What are you talking about?
Cheerleader, pointing to her groin: My gunna, it hurts.
Coach: You mean your groin?
Cheerleader: Yeah, my gunna hurts.
Coach: Jesus.
610 W 4th Street
Buchanan, Michigan
Overheard by: and this is my future?
11AM Hey - Lesbians Can Be Superficial, Too!
Hostess #1: I wish I were a lesbian sometimes.
Hostess #2: Why is that?
Hostess #1: Oh, you know, so I could dress how I want.
Hostess #2: Ummm... You can do that anyway.
Hostess #1, laughing: Oh, you know what I mean! Baggy clothes!
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: scd
10AM No Wait, Sorry, That's This Week's General Hospital
Woman #1: Is Aaron* coming to your house during the holiday?
Woman #2: No, he's going to Connecticut to spend the money his mother stole from his father.
Woman #1: Well, that's not all bad.
Clothing store
Woodcliff Lake, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cashier
9AM So We'll Know Who to Replace You With
Office manager: I mean, when we interview warehouse employees, why are we asking them if they have Excel experience?
Warehouse supervisor: What the hell is 'Excel'?
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM But He Was in the Closet
Coworker #1 : Yo, did y'all know Robert E. Lee was an Aborigine?
Long pause.
Coworker #2: Do you mean 'abolitionist'?
Coworker #1: Oh, yeah.
1434 Larimer Street
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: John Howard
4PM You're Hired! You Start Work As a Mule on Monday
Chick: Hi, I'm here for the interview...
Employee: Alright... What's your name?
Chick: I'm here for an appointment at 3:30.
Employee: Oh, it's noon right now, so... not for a while!
Chick: Oh, is it? Ohhh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I'm, like, really blazed right now.
Northlake Boulevard
West Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: cool, im hungover.
3PM Ken Lay Rocks the 'Do As I Say, Not As I Do' Management Technique
Manager: That's how I graduated from one of the top five business schools in this country [leaves].
Cubicle chick: Is anyone else proud of him? I'm proud of him.
Manager, returning: I cheated my way through business school, and that's how I graduated at the top of my class.
Cubicle chick: Mr. Kline*!
Manager, back in own office: I didn't know what I was doing, so I just cheated all through school. And that's how I graduated.
Cubicle chick: Sooo... Does that mean I can cheat, too?
Manager: No!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM Skipped School to Watch Monty Python
Office radio just played 'High Hopes,' by Frank Sinatra.
Flaky girl: What's a 'rubber tree plant'? Is it, like, a plant made of rubber, or a plant you get rubber from?
Yuppie girl: It's a Rubber. Tree. Plant. So, like, a plant-tree.
Flaky girl: What's that?
Yuppie girl: Like, a baby tree.
Flaky girl: So, a baby tree is a plant?
Yuppy girl: Well, it's like how a baby duck is a duckling. It's not really a duck.
Flaky girl: So, a baby is not really a human?
Yuppie girl: So it would be easy for the ant to move it.
St. Kilda Road
Melbourne, Victoria
Australia
Overheard by: I Dont Have Very High Hopes For These Two
1PM They Come in Handy in Many Other Situations, Though
Boss commencing presentation with safety information: In case of fire, there are two exits to my rear.
411 Keeler Avenue
Bartlesville, Oklahoma
12PM Mutual Assured Destruction
UPS guy: I think you would be pretty surprised by my stool attack.
4140 Clemmons Road
Clemmons, North Carolina
Overheard by: Fellow UPS Employee
11AM I Get Hungry in There
Employee: What are you doing tonight?
Manager: I have to pick up a turkey and then get a CAT scan.
140 River's Edge Drive
Traverse City, Michigan
10AM I'm Never Going Back to Girls, Man
High school senior #1: That's an awesome bruise you've got there.
High school senior #2: Yeah, I punched a squid. You know that's how we get ink? We squeeze them.
High school
Arcadia, California
Overheard by: Alleged pre-calc student
9AM Officers Had Probable Cause to Administer a Field Civics Test
Girl: So, I'm really scared because I got jury duty. I don't want to be in the same room as a criminal.
Paralegal: Well, maybe they're not a criminal. That's the point of jury duty.
Girl: But... aren't they guilty if they were arrested? I mean, the police don't just go around arresting people if they're innocent.
1355 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: sam
5PM Loves Burping the Air Out
Dude: Why you goin' to a tupperware party? You're a grown-ass man, dawg!
10 Coventry Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: supremo
4PM I'm Worried about How She'll Take the News
Nurse to patient after pregnancy test: Congratulations on your new arrival. Are you excited?
Patient: Yeah. I'm just in shock. I mean, I can't believe my sister is going to be an aunt!
616 Court Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Vicky
3PM Dear Diary: I Think I Really Impressed Donna Today!
Hot intern girl: It sucks that we have to seal all these envelopes today.
Jewish intern guy: Yeah, well, I make it into a game, you see. I pick a number, and if I can't seal that many envelopes in one minute, a bomb explodes!
Hot intern girl: Wow.
West Loop, Galleria Area
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: In the cube next door
2PM He Books the WWE Package Tours
Travel agent #1: I would go back there in a heartbeat. China was so awesome.
Travel agent #2: I heard that China was insane.
Travel agent #3: Any ugly girl wrestler has to be a little insane. I mean, Chyna was the craziest woman wrestler ever.
Travel agent #1: Ummm... yeah.
Jasper Avenue
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
1PM Life: 1 Art: 0
Male coworker: How's the book I lent you?
Female coworker: It's good. I got up to the part where he changes his name, but I was on the bus and a girlfriend started fighting with her boyfriend, so I stopped reading to watch that.
139 Highland Street
Port Chester, New York
Overheard by: soon to be hired
12PM Somebody in Miami Keeps Buying Us Out
Toy store clerk #1: Hey, Jessie*, do we still have any of those Communist uniforms?
Toy store clerk #2: I don't think so.
Toy store clerk #1: What about the Communist soldier figurines?
Toy store clerk #2: Hm... I don't think so.
Toy store clerk #1: Do we have anything Communist-related?
Toy store clerk #2: I think we still have the stick-on Communist facial hair...
29th Street and Guadalupe Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: amused socialist
11AM I'm Also a Little Unclear on This 'Hat' Concept
Woman: My boyfriend wants the Florida Marlins hat with the swordfish through the 'F.'
Man: You mean the marlin through the 'F'?
Woman: What's a marlin?
Charlestown, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Taylor
10AM If It Doesn't Offend Someone's Religion, It's Not Worth Doing
Male employee: And the worst thing is that we're not allowed to do anything to stop another attack. No profiling so we don't offend someone's religion. To hell with that!
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
9AM Waiter, I'll Have the Couch Potato with a Side of Gullible
Caller: I just arrived at my lake house for the summer, and the satellite TV isn't working! Why is it off?!
CSR: Sir, please stay calm. It's simple: we just need to reset your receiver since you've been away for a while.
Caller: How long will that take?
CSR: It's easy, sir. Do you have a potato handy?
Caller: Um, let me see... [Pause] Yes, we just picked some up at the store on our way in -- stocking up.
CSR: Great, sir. An apple would also work. Now, what I need you to do is to cut that potato in half. Then I need you place one half of the potato face-down on top of your receiver. Please make sure it's dry.
Caller: What?
CSR: Trust me, sir, I'm a professional. We'll have your service back on in no time.
Caller: Okay... [Long pause] Alright, done. Now what?
CSR: Great, sir. The potato will act upon your receiver's magnetic field and will bring the service back online momentarily. It's a built-in security feature so that no one can use your dish while you're away for most of the year.
CSR presses service reset button, remote satellite transmits 'wake up' signal to inactive receiver, TV comes on.
Caller: That's amazing! Who'd have thought... a potato! Will this work every time?
CSR: Just give us a call if you have any problems in the future, and thank you for using this service.
Bradford Drive
Huntsville, Alabama
5PM I Love Dating the Employees
Boss: I went on a date with this guy, and he showed up with the most hideous, tacky tie on. So I just said, 'That tie is so tacky' and made him take it off and threw it into the nearest trash can. He thinks I'm so mean, but I'm telling you, he loves it.
171 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Grace Aldridge
4PM At the Sal Monella Country Inn
Waitress: And so the guy from the health department says we have, like, one day to get this shit cleaned up or he is shutting us down. Oh my god, he's right! Look at all this crap in the bottom of the ice... [As two customers walk in] Oh, hello. Two for dinner?
Diner
Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
3PM All That Is Covered in the Illustrated Syllabus
Teacher: Okay, so now that you know the basic rules of the computer lab, I have to ask you one more question... Do any of you ever check out the NMBLA website? [Silence.] Well I do, frequently. I want to know who the enemy is. Also, I like to look at the new Russian brides on Fridays.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Cupcake1
2PM ... Impotence, Incontinence, Flatulence, Priapism...
Training instructor: You should not upgrade the software right when a patch comes out. Sometimes it may have bugs.
Student: So, it's like when you take a drug, sometimes it can have side effects like---
Training instructor: Yeah, but let's keep the discussion focused on software.
Student: ---Throwing up, vomiting...
Training instructor: Uh, yeah.
Madison, Alabama
1PM This Is Just Like the Time I Coughed Up That Set of Keys
Woman #1: Oh my god, I got so drunk last night that I ate a cigarette!
Woman #2: What? Did you throw up?
Woman #1: I tried to make myself. I got some of it out, but the filter is still in there. Do you think that's bad?
Woman #2: I doubt it.
Woman #1: I have no freaking clue why I did it, I just decided to -- it was so bizarre!
Woman #2: Oh, man...
1020 19th Street NW
Washington, DC
12PM Probably Some Sort of Throw Pillow
Student: What is this bit?
Professor: Which bit?
Student: The kinda-purplish, squishy bit.
Professor, to assistant: Do you know what that is?
Assistant: No.
Professor, to student: That's not important. You can ignore that.
USC Anatomy lab
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Kylie
11AM You Know Something Is Happening but You Don't Know What It Is, Do You, Dr. Stewart?
Announcer on PA system: Dr. Stewart*, please call 5-5-2-0; Dr. Stewart, 5-5-2-0.
Dr. Stewart, over the PA system a few minutes later: Whomever needed Dr. Stewart, I don't know who you are and I didn't hear that number, so call me at-- [pause]. Oh, shit, I don't know what number this is. Wait... Okay, so just page me again with that number... [Pause] You mean everyone can hear me? Fuck.
Arizona
Overheard by: Seriously glad I'm not his patient
10AM Captain Obvious Has Bowel Movements, Too
Guy in stall #1: Hey, what's up? Yeah, okay. You still wanna do that today?
Massive eruption occurs from next stall.
Guy in stall #2: Huh? Oh, that... I'm taking a shit right now...
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
9AM She Can Write That off As a Job Expense
Guy #1: So, my daughter tells me she wants to get her tongue pierced, and I told her there was no way in hell I would let her fuck up her teeth after all of the money we spent with those braces straightening up her teeth. And after I said that she actually understood where I was coming from.
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: Yeah. Now she wants to get her nipples pierced.
Government office
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: b-chomp
5PM God, I Love My Job
Engineer: It might be dangerous if it ignites, so I think I should heat it up to 600 degrees and see if it catches on fire.
1190 4th Street
Ontario, California
4PM There's a Rumor They're All Cylons
Coworker: Tell the intern to do that.
Boss: The intern? She has a name.
Coworker: You know who I meant.
Boss: It's Rebecca*! Let's not be racist.
Coworker: Interns aren't a race!
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
3PM This'll Be the Worst Staff Meeting Ever
Manager: I purposefully wore pants with strategically large pockets for the cowbell, but it still got stuck.
72 Marietta Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: deep pockets
2PM God, How I Want Her
Contract attorney: Ann Coulter? She looks like a bag full of antlers.
575 7th Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Daniel
1PM On the Plus Side, I Got Almost All the Way Through My Signature
Female coworker: I pulled my butt muscle taking a whiz!
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
12PM I Said, 'F-U'! And How Do You Spell His Name?
Data architect manager: And the new tables -- who's taking care of that?
DBA: Danny Phu*.
Data architect manager, making a note: Danny... F-U?
DBA: Excuse me?
1555 Lundy Parkway
Dearborn, Michigan
11AM The World Is Full of People Whose Stories Start in the Middle and Don't Go Anywhere
Client: Guess who I met today?
Staff: Who?
Client: Some guy on the bus that used to go here, but I don't know his name.
4558 Roswell Road
Atlanta, Georgia
10AM That's Coming from Her TV -- It's Stuck on Lifetime
Patient: Stop raping me!
Nurse #1: Did I just hear that?
Nurse #2: She has been yelling it all day.
Randolph Road
Plainfield, New Jersey
9AM Whoops!
CEO: Anywho, it'll make us look honest, at least, if we say we just won't charge for that job. We don't want to just out-and-tell them we fucked that one all to hell.
34921 Del Rio Drive
Ontario, California
5PM Just the Grilled Water, Then
Server: Are you ready?
Customer: I don't know what I want. What do you like?
Server: When the customer makes up his mind and orders.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: I Like the Grilled Tuna
4PM Britney: Do Whatever He Says!
Male boss: I will go K-Fed on your ass.
Male employee: What?
Male boss: Don't make me make you pregnant.
Orlando, Florida
3PM Warning! Warning! Truth Outbreak in Sector Seven!
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Interviewee: Within the firm, are there opportunities for advancement?
Interviewer: Basically, it's an entry-level job -- when you begin it's going to be like,'Shut up and color, we're going to micro-manage you.'
15th Street and Yamhill Avenue
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: PH factor
2PM Pretty Picky for Somebody without Hedge Clippers
Coworker #1: So I was talking to my friend on the phone, and there was a snake in his room! I would have snapped it in half! I would've come after it with a pair of hedge clippers.
Coworker #2: It wouldn't so much snap as it would snip.
405 Main Street
Milford, Michigan
Overheard by: John M.
1PM I Heard the Whole Country Is below Sea Level and Surrounded by a Ring of Lesbians
Auditor: What is a 'Dutch Auction Tender Offer'? Is that where they go to Dutch and have an auction? ... Where is Dutch?
Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
12PM It's Good for Filling Wet Cracks, Am I Right?
Boss #1: We have a caulk issue.
Boss #2: Is it big?
Boss #3: Very.
Employee passerby: I know all about caulk -- it's very sticky.
548 Highway 155
St. Germain, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Tony
11AM That's Network TV for You
Analyst: The problem, though, is that it's not child pornography -- just the regular kind.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
10AM No, Your Children Do
Receptionist: Does the president have to pay the mortgage on the White House?
1600 Utica Avenue South
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: wish she hadn't voted
9AM Sure, Get Me a Crowbar
Graphics guy: What format are these files?
Boss: They're from the guy next door.
Graphics guy: Okay, but what kind of files are these supposed to be? There's no extensions so I can't open them in anything unless I rename them all and just guess the extension until I get it right.
Boss: Can you open them and check?
2245 Royal Windsor Drive
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Bob
5PM Unless We Get Volunteers
Manager: We are not going to use anyone as an escaped goat.
Columbia Mall
Grand Forks, North Dakota
4PM An Unexamined Life Not Being Worth Living
Student: You look very excited.
Professor: Yeah, 'cause I just peed!
Rolfe Hall, UCLA
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Josh M.
3PM Keep Up the Sub-Par Work
General manager: That's what I like about you -- you're a reliable disappointment.
Environmental, Safety, and Industrial Hygiene coordinator: Thanks!
450 Sukhumvit Road
Rayong
Thailand
Overheard by: Rick campion
2PM Looks Like Someone's Going to Be Waiting a Long Time before He Becomes Associate Bishop
Assistant bishop: What the hell?! I can't get any damned work done around here!
Salem, Virginia
Overheard by: only agnostic in the office
1PM Help, There Are Trammps in Our Refrigerator!
Employee #1: Now, where did 'Disco Inferno' come from?
Employee #2: Not me! It's not on my iPod!
Employee #1: I think it came from the refrigerator!
Employee #2: Oh really?
Employee #1: No, this is serious! You're not the one with 'Disco Inferno' stuck in your head!
Chevy Chase
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: kitchen watcher
12PM And Forget about the Sanitarium
Mother to son behind the curtain: If you don't behave, I'm not going to take you to the hospital ever again.
Franklin Square Hospital
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Brain Surgeon
11AM Sure, Hog the Brain Damage
Lab tech finding other scientists spraying glue: Ahhh! Free isocyanates!
Scientist: Get out of here!
Rockland, Maryland
Overheard by: Chemdork
10AM They May Be Deltas
Guy #1: I really want to find this book that I read in high school... It was called, like, Brave New World or something.
Guy #2: Um, no, you're thinking of 'I Can Show You the World.'
Guy #1: Oh! ... Wait, no, that's that song from Aladdin.
Guy #2: Oh, yeah... So what section would it be in?
Guy #1: I don't know, Fiction? No, wait -- Non-fiction!
Barnes and Noble
Savannah, Georgia
Overheard by: Leia
9AM Let's Say, 'Within This Fiscal Year'
Dad: I swear, I am going to break her arm by the time she is two.
Mom: She is two.
Dad: Three, then.
Outback Steakhouse
Green Brook, New Jersey
5PM The Silver Lining
Assistant: Where are all the great shoe sales? I mean, after September 11th there were some great sales!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Can't believe she still works here
4PM Unfortunately, Someone Else Gave Janie a Gun
Dad's friend: So, your daughter turns 34 tomorrow?
Dad: Yeah, I sent her a card.
Dad's friend: What does it say?
Dad: 'Happy Birthday, Sweetie. You've finally grown into your bra size.'
Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Ladies, All of You Should Be Dating This Guy
Dude: I registered to win a trip to space, and I haven't heard anything. I'm very disappointed.
270 Lafayette Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jas Bohrman
2PM And While We're on the Topic, How Come You Never Call Me at Night?
Guy on cell: I can hardly hear you. It sounds like you're in a coffin.
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: brian
1PM Well, They Are Still behind Your Shirt, If That's What You Mean
Woman on way to meeting: Are my boobs sticking out enough?
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
12PM Toilet Designer: A Clear-Cut Case of User Error
Guy exiting bathroom: I hate it when I go to the bathroom and the back of my pants gets wet!
Cottage Grove, Wisconsin
Overheard by: My Pants are Dry
11AM Since I Haven't Mastered Inner Typing
Manager on phone to computer terminal manufacturer: That terminal still isn't working properly, and if you don't fix it soon the customer is going to tell me to shove it up my ass... And I'm not prepared to do that at this time.
1462 Erie Boulevard
Schenectady, New York
Overheard by: It wouldn't fit mine
10AM And by That I Mean Those Little Plastic Containers Shaped Like Lemons
Waitress to customers: We take vodka and add fresh-squeezed lemon juice... from lemons.
Pamplico Highway
Florence, South Carolina
Overheard by: I Prefer Limes
9AM They Can't Recruit, So They Have to Reproduce
College boy #1: She's engaged now.
College boy #2: What?!
College boy #1: Yeah, she just got engaged, like, a week ago.
College boy #2: That's gay.
12th & Q Street
Lincoln, Nebraska
Overheard by: Confused
5PM And Just Like That, Alan's Frame of Reference Exploded
Interviewer: So, I see from your resume that you spent two years in Africa with the Peace Corps.
Interviewee: Yes.
Interviewer: Did you work with any minorities there?
Worcester, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I was the minority
4PM NewsFlash: UPenn School of Social Work Adopts Controversial 'Shut Up' Method, Following Brooklyn's Lead
Social worker to passing ambulances and police cars: Shut up! God.
260 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: lora
3PM Yeah, It's a Cracker Thing. You Wouldn't Understand.
Paralegal #1: Don't you remember Zweiback cookies when you were little?
Paralegal #2: Uh, no.
Associate: You white people are into different things.
180 Maiden Lane
New York, New York
2PM Unless That's Just the Hallucinogens Talking
Coworker #1: Man, this is discolored.
Coworker #2: Yeah, you probably licked it.
Coworker #1: I hate that. Licking always discolors things.
Austin, Texas
1PM Mom, I'd Like You to Meet My Girlfriend... Shaniqua
Mom: The neighbor found out you're gay.
Daughter: What did she say?
Mom: She doesn't care. Her son is gay and her daughter's dating a black guy.
Daughter: What does her daughter dating a black have to do with it?
Mom: Well, I would rather my daughter was a lesbian than date a black guy.
8741 W Saginaw Highway
Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: barista
12PM I Never Should've Shown Grandma How to Use the Internet
Employee: Hi, can I help you?
Customer's cell rings.
Customer: Hold on a sec... [answers cell] Hey! did you talk to Jeremy*? He is pissed at you... Why? 'Cause you put gay shit all over his MySpace! There is a guy with a huge dick on his MySpace! Yeah! You better help him get it off 'cause he doesn't know how! Okay, bye.
Employee: Uhhh...
Customer: Yeah, can I get a sundae, please?
1050 Montauk Highway
Copiague, New York
Overheard by: i hate customers...
11AM Victor's Secret
Female coworker: I woke up today and couldn't find my panties.
Male coworker: So, did you find them finally?
Female coworker: No. And my husband disappeared...
Law office
New York, New York
Overheard by: julllully
10AM Goodness, Mr. Lay, Your Firm's Financial Report Certainly Is Heavy!
Customer: Why is your store so big?
Salesgirl: [Silence.]
Customer: I'm an accountant -- I notice these things.
Chocolate store
North Plainfield, New Jersey
Overheard by: Other Salesgirl
9AM He Learned Science in Kansas
Male geology TA: So yeah, I had this student in lab today who asked me, 'So, are these minerals... are these, like, things that can be found, like, out there...? Like, in the real world?'
Female grad student: What? Really?
Male geology TA: Yeah, it just blew his mind that this stuff actually existed in the real world.
Geoscience department, University of Iowa
Iowa City, Iowa
Overheard by: another grad student
5PM A Brave One
Employee: I have to leave, my mother's bleeding.
Manager: Again?
Employee: Bleeding somewhere down there [gestures below waist] -- she's not sure where.
Manager: What kind of doctor do you call for that?
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
4PM Clearly Not Enough to Forget That It Happened
Employee #1: Did you go out this weekend?
Employee #2: Not really.
Employee #1: I tried this new drink. The bartender said it was a 'cum shot.'
Employee #2: How many drinks did it take before you did that?
Monroe Avenue
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: did you brush your teeth?
3PM He Keeps That Totally on the DL
Coworker #1: I was berated by Susan* yesterday because I asked for my light fixture to be fixed... again... after 13 days. She got angry because she 'has more important things to worry about.' Apparently, her husband's in the ICU.
Coworker #2: Dude, she's going to have to unplug him.
Coworker #1: I understand that, but I resent the accusation that somehow my asking for my light to be fixed betrays an insensitivity to the plight of her almost-dead husband.
Austin, Texas
2PM But He Is My Son
Office manager: He kinda looks like a Ninja Turtle.
Receptionist: What?
Office manager: A Ninja Turtle. Don't you see it?
Receptionist: Ummm...
Office manager: You know, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Receptionist: Oh, that kind of Ninja Turtle... I don't see it.
2661 Riva Road
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: aoK
1PM 'Color Melanin Jones'
Girl: So I have this friend with an eight-month-old baby, and she named him 'Color.' It's a little weird, because the baby's dad is African-American... But the baby looks really white, so that makes it better.
Eau Claire, Wisconsin
12PM God, It's Good to Be Employed Again!
9 to 5-er: I love orange juice! It's like eating an orange, and I like oranges!
El Toro Road
Laguna Hills, California
Overheard by: I like oranges, too
11AM Rumsfeld: Damn!
Economist: It's not my fault -- I know how to circulate a memo.
Supervisor: Well, don't think you're putting that on your resume.
Government building
Washington, DC
Overheard by: highly qualified
10AM It's in the Bill of Rights
Suit: If we wanna make fun of freakin' roosters, guess what?! We're gonna make fun of freakin' roosters.
3565 Atlanta Highway
Athens, Georgia
9AM I Wish She'd Make Up Her Mind
Coworker #1: Don* sent me flowers today.
Coworker #2: Why did Don send you flowers? Did your grandma die again?
16th and K Street NW
Washington, DC
5PM Millions and Millions Puzzled
Guy: I'll have a Number Three, and can I have a small chocolate shake?
Bimbette employee: No.
Guy: No, I can't have a shake?
Bimbette employee: Nope.
Guy: Are you saying no to the 'small,' the 'chocolate,' or the 'shake...'?
Bimbette employee: Both.
Guy: So, both of the three, huh?
Bimbette employee: Yes, but you can have vanilla.
Guy: I would love vanilla, thank you.
McDonald's, 53rd Street and 2nd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: brian
4PM He Has, He's Just Hoping She'll Show Him Where It Is
Male employee #1: I don't think it exists.
Female employee: The G-spot? Oh, it's real.
Male employee #1: I think it's a mythical place.
Male employee #2: I've never heard of it.
2299 Ridge Road
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: dying a slow death
3PM Let's Go Rob an Ann Taylor First
Ghetto chick: Girl, I don't want to rob a grocery store lookin' like this.
McDade's
Jackson, Mississippi
2PM The CIA Has Been Making That Mistake for Years
Boss: So just use a black highlighter to mark---
Assistant: Black highlighter?
Boss: I meant 'Sharpie.' Yes, don't ever get the two mixed up.
Herndon, Virginia
1PM The First One's Free
Dude: I don't know -- I just don't trust that North Korea isn't going to keep testing those narcotic bombs.
9070 Junction Drive
Annapolis Junction, Maryland
12PM Wait, If I Just Lock Him in an Empty Room with Some Dog Food in a Bag, I Could Get That New 'Vette!
Mom, pointing to friend's child: Say 'Hello' to Aidan*.
Shy child hiding face in mom's leg: 'Lo.
Mom: If you can't look at him and 'Hello' properly then you can't have swimming lessons. There, I just saved a hundred and fifty dollars!
145 Harlow Street
Bangor, Maine
Overheard by: Kelly
11AM Talking to Voicemail Will Do This to You
Assistant on phone: Do you sell custom rings? Rings, yes... Rings. Rings! Rings... For fingers... Rings for fingers! You are a jewelry store, right? Rings... Rings!
Talent Management company
Beverly Hills, California
10AM One Way to Keep Them Quiet
Office lady #1: I'm going to a sleep-away camp for ten-year-olds this weekend.
Office lady #2: Well, at least there will be alcohol.
1 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: sarcastro
9AM Or You Could Throw One in before We Lose Any More People in Iraq
Coworker #1: So, you're saying that in the movie he twisted the towel so tight it became a sword?
Coworker #2: Yeah, like, if you spin a towel tight enough it gets rigid, but if you put Kung Fu in it, it's like a weapon.
Government agency
Washington, DC
Overheard by: kung fu master
5PM Try Clenching the Other Sphincter
Girl on phone: I've been doing kegels for a week and I haven't pooped. I think I'm doing something wrong.
In front of Hart Senate Building
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Neena
4PM It's Not You, It's Me
Guy on phone: I'm single, I'm not tied-down, I'm Italian -- what the fuck else do you want?
Cupertino, California
Overheard by: tmg
3PM And What's This Clause about Dingleberries?
Two managers are determining whether palm tree maintenance is covered in a landscape maintenance contract.
Property manager: It says 'pruning as needed,' but that says 'shaving of the pineapple.' It can't be the same thing.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
2PM How You Know Your Coworker Is Straight
Employee: Did you see the Accounting Department? They are all dressed up like the Village People... or the Seven Dwarfs -- I'm not sure.
100 Mountain Road
Framingham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Snow Whitefish
1PM Playing with an Extra-Full Deck
Coworker #1: I can get news from all 52 states!
Coworker #2: Uh... there are only 50 states.
Coworker #1: Duh -- Alaska and Hawaii!
Chelmsford, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Must've missed that one in geography...
12PM We're Trying to Rig Up Some Kind of IV Drip Feed in a Backpack
Salesperson on phone: She's a vicious person but a friendly, stupid drunk.
George Town
Grand Cayman
11AM If Hillary Clinton Is Elected President, He'll Get Another Chance
Hydrologist: I wanted to be a flying monkey when I was little. I was like, 'What do I have to do to be one of those?!'
700 West Capitol
Little Rock, Arkansas
10AM Eh, Whatever, He'll Be Dead before He Can Complain
Nurse: The patient in Room 39* requested a visit from a Mormon priest.
Chaplain: Really? I'll have to call one, give me a moment. [Opens notebook] Ah, here we go. [Dials phone, waits] Hi, this is Chaplain Smith* at the hospital. I'm calling about a patient who would like a visit from a Mormon clergy-person. I haven't visited with the patient, so I don't know if he is a member of your congregation, but he did specifically request a visit from a Mormon. Feel free to call me back at 555-3418* when you get this message. Thanks. [Hangs up] Well, I left a message on their voicemail. I wonder if the Jehovah's Witnesses check their messages often.
Nurse: Jehovah's Witnesses...?
Chaplain: Oh, shit! I called the wrong church!
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: another witness
9AM Or I'll Just Start Using My Health Insurance Card
Dude #1: I've lost five ATM cards this year.
Dude #2: How do you lose five ATM cards?
Dude #1: Doing a lot of coke... I'm thinking about stopping with the coke.
Haight Street and Clayton Street
San Francisco, California
5PM The Good Ones All Have MBAs Now
Female coworker: Well, I guess I hadn't thought it out so thoroughly.
Male coworker: Yeah, and the hookers were like, 'Woo-hoo, market share!'
Chevy Chase, Building 4
Maryland
Overheard by: Xen
4PM I'm Intrinsically Motivated by the Work Itself
Coworker: It's just a motivational meeting. I don't care if I miss it.
1180 Jefferson Road
Rochester, New York
3PM And I'm Not 100% Sure about Kangaroos, Either
Pizza Hut driver: Would you rather fight a kangaroo or wolverine?
Pizza Hut CSR: Well, kangaroos are pretty tough, but wolverines aren't real.
7th Street and Union Hills
Phoenix, Arizona
2PM Introducing the 2006 Pro-Life Poster Gal
Woman #1: I'm pregnant again.
Woman #2: On purpose?
Woman #3, sighing: I need a rest from all these ass-wipes that work here. I need a little hospital- and daytime TV R and R.
Montvale, New Jersey
1PM Honey, Are You Awake? It's On!
80-something husband: Did you get the Viagra?
80-something wife: [Mutters something inaudible.]
80-something husband: Well, did you get the prescription for the Viagra?
80-something lady sitting nearby: He's aimin' for tonight!
2323 Edinboro Road
Erie, Pennsylvania
12PM He Spells 'Foxtrot' with a 'Ph'
Employee: Thanks for calling iTransact, can I help you?
Customer: Yes, I'd like to cancel my account, please.
Employee: No problem, sir. Can I have your name, please?
Customer: Yes, it's 'Frank.' That's 'F' as in 'Frank,' R-A-N-K.
Farmington, Utah
11AM Nope, Sold Them to the Gypsies to Pay the Bills
Student: Mrs. Smith*, do you have any kids?
Mrs. Smith: No, I don't have children.
Student: Did somebody steal them?
1212 Cheyenne Boulevard
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: Sheri
10AM And So Igneous to Use a Dictionary
Coworker: I just love paying bills online -- it is just so easy.
Blonde coworker: I know, it's so great.
Coworker: The computer has really made things efficient.
Blonde coworker: I know -- it is, like, sooo Antarctic to pay your bills by check nowadays.
30th floor, 55 East 52nd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Greg Case
9AM How to Get a Carrot onto a Plane
Female employee: Can I stick my hand in there without getting HIV?
Male employee: Yeah, but you might pull out a carrot or two.
Department of Homeland Security
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Cube around the corner
5PM We Ran Out of Monkey Wax
Research supervisor on phone: So, question -- monkeys. Apparently one got a rash during the drug trial, but no one noticed because she was really hairy. Yeah, really, really hairy. She's a hairy monkey. What do you know about that?
West Point, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Alison
4PM Being the Truth Fairy Is Less Fun Than I Thought It Would Be
Bearded man in green pixie wig, pink feather boa, and fairy wings: I think about death every day.
577 Western Avenue
Westfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: it's halloween
3PM You Look Vaguely Female, and I Dig That about You
Creepster hitting on CSA: Hey, there you are again.
CSA, without making eye contact: ...Hey.
Creepster: You know what? You so beautiful.
CSA doesn't respond.
Creepster, with spittle flying from between front teeth: Has anyone ever told you that you're very photo-generic?
Animal Hospital
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: another CSA
2PM The Chef Went on to Win a Nobel in Physics
Girl #1: The lasagna I had for lunch was made funny. It had air in it.
Girl #2: How'd they get air in the lasagna?
Girl #1: I think it was after the layer of sauce.
Bay Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
1PM Renoir: Doc, I'm Going to Need More Tetrodoxin
Blonde #1: I wonder... Did they have photography when this artist was alive?
Blonde #2: Well, I don't really know. Why do you ask?
Blonde #1: Well, how did they get the people to stand still long enough to paint their faces and stuff?
The Louvre
Paris
France
Overheard by: Mindy WIlson
12PM Squatters' Rights, Dude
Employee #1: Do you go in the bathroom like that?
Barefoot employee: Yeah, but I sit down. It's much cleaner in there.
Employee #2: Wait, did you just admit that you sit down to pee?
1 Microsoft Way
Redmond, Washington
11AM Have You Heard That Crazy Rumor about Tanning?
Woman #1: Well, we were stupid back then. We thought cracking your knuckles was cool -- we didn't realize it could lead to arthritis.
Woman #2, taking a drag on her cigarette: Yeah, we just didn't know.
7715 Chevy Chase Drive
Austin, Texas
10AM By the Way, the Papillomas Are Lovely This Season
Customer: Hi, I'm looking for a climbing plant, but I'm not sure what it's called. It sounds like 'clem'-something, or 'clam'-something?
Employee: Right... Ah, 'chlamydia'?
Customer: Um... No, that's--
Employee, yelling over the crowd: Hey, Linda*, I have a customer looking for chlamydia. Do we have that?
Linda: That's a venereal disease -- she probably wants 'clematis.'
Employee: Hey, she left!
Farmstand on Route 2
Lincoln, Massachusetts
Overheard by: petunias for me, thanks
9AM Thanks for the Gratuitous Prejudice, Though
Freshman #1: So I talked to my ex-girlfriend from high school this weekend. She's totally changed and she's dating this jerkish guy.
Freshman #2: Turkish, or jerk-ish?
Random chick turning around to join conversation: I hate Turkish people.
Freshman #1: Jerkish.
University of Texas
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: thinking she was armenian
5PM You Can't Get Unscented Anything in the State Hospital
Creepster #1 smelling women's deodorant: Smell this: it smells like raspberry. Mmm!
Creepster #2: Smell this... It smells good! It's called 'Unscented'!
Creepster #1: Mmm.
Walmart
Concord, New Hampshire
Overheard by: walking away quickly as to not disturb them
4PM Nah, I'll Just Stick with Investing in the Perpetual Motion Machine
Coworker: But what if these Nigerian e-mails are real and people are making a lot of money off them? What about me? I bet that I could get rich.
249 W 17th Street
New York, New York
3PM Anyway, Long Story Short: I Spill Caulk on Myself at Least Once a Day Now, Though Usually at Night
Retiree visiting the office: I was working on the windows and running around the yard with my caulk in my hand, and I have this neighbor, Dave*, who was standing in the bushes, and I didn't see him. But Dave scared me and there was caulk everywhere -- caulk all over the windows and caulk on my hands. No, I'm serious, there were inches of it coming out! You guys aren't even listening to me! I didn't know what to do about all of the caulk on my hands but I called the 800 number on the side of it and the guy said that friction could get it off.
110 Nelson Road
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Canadia
2PM The New Racism
Man: Why are you allowing a day spa? I didn't think you allowed day spas in this town. When you have day spas you attract people who get facials, and we don't want those kinds of people in this town!
Redlands City Hall
Redlands, California
1PM He's Got Big Plans for the Weekend
Guy: You want me to buy 60 dollars' worth of butt-paste?
4803 Deer Lake Drive
Jacksonville, Florida
12PM I Also Have an Intermediate Grasp of European
Air Force interviewer: What did you major in at college?
Interviewee: Chinese. Well, actually, my degree was in 'Asian and Middle Eastern Languages and Literature.'
Air Force interviewer: Oh, that's so cool. So, you speak Asian?
Interviewee: Um, yes.
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM The Car Did Most of the Work
Coworker: I was in a car accident once, but it wasn't my fault because I was asleep.
1855 South Grant Street
San Mateo, California
Overheard by: Not carpooling anymore
10AM Look, Next Time You Die, Just Handcuff Yourself to God
Manager: There's a sucker born every minute, and I keep getting born!
55 Railroad Avenue
Greenwich, Connecticut
Overheard by: CV
9AM Dirt Cheap?
Customer: How much for a bulk load of cedar mulch?
Teen cashier: Uhhh... it's about 50 dollars per yard.
Customer: What's topsoil?
Teen cashier: It's like dirt.
350 Goose Lane
Guilford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Donde Esta
5PM Patient: Hey! It's Damn Cold in This Paper Gown
Physician: What can you tell me about this X-ray?
Student: It's a male pelvis with two fractures.
Physician: It's shaped like a male pelvis, but it's not.
Student: How can you tell?
Physician: The lack of a penis outline on the X-ray helps.
Emergency Room, University of Kansas Hospital
Kansas City, Kansas
Overheard by: Stifling the Laugh
4PM Hey, Academic Freedom Isn't Free
Professor: ... And so, if X equals three, then Y--- [loud commotion out in the hall] ... I've been a little jumpy ever since this one time when I got stabbed in class by a student.
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: thinking about transferring
3PM Like If They Smoke a Lot of Pot
Senior partner: What are you listening to? That's some funky music.
Paralegal: Phish.
Senior partner: Oooh, Phish -- I've heard of them but never heard them. Wow, they have a great sound.
Paralegal: Yeah, I really like them.
Senior partner, with fixed gaze: When you know someone listens to funky music, that can really tell you a lot about a person.
Washington, DC
2PM I'm Convinced -- Here's 13 Dollars
Guy with wallet-chain and flannel shirt: The only difference between me and Kurt Cobain is I don't have a heroin addiction. Or a shotgun.
3rd floor, Accenture building
Austin, Texas
1PM Despite What You May Have Heard
Thrift store connoisseur: Well, I don't like underwear with stains anyway...
19043 Wentworth Avenue
Lansing, Illinois
Overheard by: Rusti
12PM Of Course They're Expensive --They're Moloko Dispensers
Hick girl #1: Look, I'm just saying, that bitch was a bitch.
Hick girl #2: She is such a bitch.
Hick girl #1: I know. And her costume wasn't even funny.
Hick girl #2: I don't think they're supposed to be funny. I think they're supposed to be scary.
Hick girl #1: Her tits are scary.
Hick girl #2: She's always showin' her tits. I don't wanna see them scary-ass tits.
Bitch: My tits are expensive, you stupid hick bitches.
Hick girl #1: Why didn't you say you were in there, bitch? God, you're a bitch.
Hick girl #2: Bitch.
Nashville, Tennessee
11AM Ever Since That Disfiguring Accident She's Been Such a Selfish Bitch
Bank coworker: When she came in this morning, she didn't even have her eye in. She could have at least worn some sunglasses or something.
Maybank Highway
Johns Island, South Carolina
10AM Thank God for Women Who Don't Know Any Better
Salesman: You know, customers who want their parts on time and in decent condition really get on my nerves.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Lt. Uhura: I Confess, I'm an Android
Idiot employee: No, man! I'm telling you, there were no black people in Star Trek! They weren't allowed to have jobs back then!
Monroe Street
Tallahassee, Florida
Overheard by: book browser
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