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November 2006 Archives
5PM Has She Tried the Front Wipers?
Manager: Where's Patti*?
Worker: Her husband is having that cadillac surgery. She won't be in until later.
Manager: Cadillac surgery?
Worker: You know -- when they take the globs off of your eyes so you can see?
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: admin in charge
4PM He's Been Burned Before
Skank: Can I use your bathroom?
Clerk: Only if you promise not to pee on the floor.
Skank: Okay.
7-Eleven, Westmoreland Street and Broad Street
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Lane In Richmond
3PM Is This One of Those Microsoft Interview Questions?
Receptionist: I'm going to Hawaii next week. If I wanted to swim under the entire island, how deep would I have to go?
1600 Utica Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
2PM At Camp Marion Barry
Military personnel: Adam* looks like hell this morning -- like he was smoking crack all night. Adam, you are a civilian, right?
Adam: Yes.
Military personnel: Ah, then it's alright. You don't get drug-tested like us. Smoke all the crack you want.
Washington, DC
1PM And the Importance of Personal Protective Equipment
Boss: I'm not the one who brought up fucking a goat.
Minion: I was explaining the hazards of his job.
Bend, Oregon
12PM Parallel Conversations May Finish at the Same Time but Will Never Meet
Cube rat: I love Thai food...
Mail guy: Man, you should marry an Asian lady.
Cube rat: ... But I don't like sticky rice.
Mail guy: She doesn't have to be sticky.
1771 N Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: just another temp
11AM Yeah, Tell Him We Canceled Favorite Animal Friday
Coworker leaning on office door: Hey, have you seen John*?
Horse puppet appears peeking from under John's desk.
Horse puppet: John's not here right now. Can I take a message?
Coworker, slowly backing out of office: Uh...
8700 NW River Park Drive
Parkville, Missouri
Overheard by: Hapless intern
10AM And Not Salma Hayek, You Know What I Mean?
Worker: I need to go home and brush my teeth. My mouth tastes like Mexican people.
401 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Plausible Deniability
Attorney: I need a [investi]gator for a hand job.
Staff: Ha, ha! You mean a 'hand delivery'?
South Jefferson Avenue
Springfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Left Lobe
5PM I'm Also Real Good at Hiding in the Stock Room
Chick: So you don't know anything about anything behind the service desk?
Old manager: No, nothing.
Chick: So what happens if someone comes in here and robs us? You don't know how to push the button to call the cops?
Old manager: No.
Chick: So... what if that happens?
Old manager: I do know how to hire a new person.
Lawyers Road
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: CSReppingsucks.
4PM My Colleagues' Hatred Keeps Our Marriage Spicy
Coworker #1 on phone: No, no, no, dammit! I swear, I'm going to hang up -- I mean it, I'm going to hang up. No. No. No! Dammit, I said I am going to hang up!
Coworker #2 walks over, removes phone, slams it down: There, now we can all get back to our lives!
Coworker #1 redials: Sorry baby, some crazy twat I work with is having a bad day... What? What?! No! No! No! Dammit, I hate you! I'm hanging up!
Alpharetta, Georgia
3PM At a Quarter-Million Square Miles, He's a Very Big Boy
Proud, jorts-wearing papa: Eric* is looking more like a Saskatchewan every day, with his big feet and all that hair.
Conrad Sauer Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Jacob
2PM Me Jane. Tarzan Away on Business
Guy: How are you going to tell your mom that you didn't do your homework because you have a gorilla fetish?
Girl: It's not a fetish, I'm just curious about their... stuff.
Guy: It's still fucked up.
Washington Avenue Bridge, University of Minnesota
Minneapolis, Minnesota
1PM For a Telemarketer Who Has an IQ above 70, Press '2'
Homeowner answering telephone: Hola.
Telemarketer, in broken English: I am calling to tell you about a new calling plan...
Homeowner: No habla Ingles.
Telemarketer: Do you speak English?
Homeowner: No habla Ingles.
Telemarketer, speaking very slowly: Then I will speak English very slowly to you.
Homeowner: No habla Ingles, adios.
921 South Irby Street
Florence, South Carolina
Overheard by: Dun Ben Ther
12PM Wait, How Do You Spell It in a Fake British Accent, Again?
Middle-aged guy #1 looking at menu: Hey, man, they spelled 'Caesar' wrong.
Middle-aged guy #2: What do you mean?
Middle-aged guy #1: They spelled it C-A-E-S-A-R instead of C-E-A-S-A-R. They switched the 'A' and 'E.'
Middle-aged guy #2: Yeah, I've seen it spelled that way before. It's, like, the authentic Roman spelling.
Middle-aged guy #1: Oh, yeah, they were always doing crazy shit... Like backward V's and stuff.
Sam Snead's Tavern
Shawnee on Delaware, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Logan
11AM They're Still Working Out the Details at Homeland Security
Jeff*: Liz*, can you come here?
Liz: Are you going to fire me?
Jeff: I can't -- you're my supervisor.
Liz: What? No, I'm not. You're my supervisor.
Jeff: ...But if I'm your supervisor, and you're my supervisor, which one of us is really in charge?
Liz: That depends... If it's you, are you going to fire me?
Jeff: No.
Liz: Then it's you.
Jeff: Awesome.
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
10AM You Telling It to Me in a Chipmunk Voice after Sucking All the Helium out of a Balloon Only Makes It Less Credible
Coworker #1: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
Coworker #2: I know it sounds stupid...
Coworker #1: No, it doesn't just sound stupid, it is stupid.
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
9AM Not Knowing Is Better Than Thinking It Means 'Imply'
Student: I just read the stupidest word on my Bio diploma. 'Infer'? What the fuck does 'infer' mean?
1200 Festival Road
Sherwood Park, Alberta
Canadia
5PM Hours Later, Bloody and Rumpled, They Declared a Truce
Managing director: Did you meet Daron* yesterday?
HR recruiter: Daron?
Managing director: I introduced him to you yesterday.
HR recruiter: Who?
Managing director: I did.
HR recruiter: No, you didn't.
Managing director: ... Maybe I'm going crazy. You know -- Daron, with the dreads.
HR recruiter: With what?
Managing director: Dreads. You know -- dreadlocks.
HR recruiter: Oh, I hate those.
Managing director: What? Dreadlocks have been around since the Bible.
HR recruiter: What?
Managing director: Since Samson and Delilah. Samson had dreads.
HR recruiter: Who did?
Managing director: Samson!
HR recruiter: You mean Daron?
Managing director: Who?
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
4PM She Fell for Midas Muffler's Free Breast Exam Promotion
Black woman on cell: All he did was look at my vagina, and I owe him 300 dollars?
Federal Credit Union, 2nd Avenue and Chestnut Street
Louisville, Kentucky
3PM You Are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.
Marketing professor: How many countries are in Africa? I'm going to go around the room, and each of you give me a number.
Student #1: 50?
Student #2: 62?
Student #3: 54?
Marketing professor to sorority girl: How many do you think?
Sorority girl: I thought Africa was a country.
Peoria, Illinois
2PM You Should Have Had a Few Spares
Administrator on phone: Yeah, my cat passed away last Sunday. I put him in a paper bag and put it out on the curb for... for trash pick-up... What else could I do? Can't put him in the back yard. Yeah, I gotta get a new place. I can't stand the mice anymore.
Department of Education, 65 Court Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Emma
1PM And That's When I Remembered the Nipple Piercings
Employee: I would really like to apologize for running late this morning. It won't happen again.
Boss: Could you please turn your shirt right-side out?
350 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Susan
12PM Unless You Want to Be Skinny
College girl #1: I keep thinking I should smoke more often.
College girl #2: That's probably not a valid assessment.
Binghamton University
Binghamton, New York
11AM ... Which, Here at the Haagen-Dazs Quality-Control Division, We View As an Asset
Woman on phone: Yes, thank you -- she has an excessive licking problem.
East Sprague
Spokane, Washington
10AM When We Get to 'Two,' Give Me a Push, Okay?
Blonde entering elevator: I tell you, people are lazy.
Brunette: Which people?
Blonde, hitting button for second floor: Everybody. Everybody is lazy!
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
Overheard by: going to 5
9AM Why Couples Shouldn't Work in the Same Office
Good listener #1: Have you tried mango Propel?
Good listener #2: Nope.
Good listener #1: Is it any good?
Human Services, Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: uberkt
5PM I See Your Attempt at Humor, and I Refuse to Acknowledge It
Deskie #1: What's that smell? Sulfur? Rotten eggs?
Deskie #2: I have it figured out: It's Halloween, and all these girls are walking around with nothing covering areas which haven't been exposed in public since last Halloween.
Deskie #1: I don't get why that is relevant.
Front desk, Central Michigan University
Mount Pleasant, Michigan
Overheard by: Not A Deskie
4PM She's Seen All of Edward G. Robinson's Films
White rich girl leaving mall with friends: I am so much more gangsta than you!
Mall
Des Moines, Iowa
Overheard by: Am I Really in Iowa?
3PM Having Been Replaced As the Homo-Pretense Capital of the World, New York's Reaction 'Mixed'
Paralegal: What can I get you guys?
Consultant: Just a coffee.
Young consultant: Could I get a white mocha latte, please?
Head lawyer: Where do you think this is, LA?
Law firm, Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
2PM And I Won't Read to the Blind Either! They've Got Braille!
Suit #1: Hey, you always participate in the office Volunteer Day events. You did the March of Dimes Walk earlier this year. Are you going to paint the homeless shelter next month?
Suit #2: No. I did the March of Dimes Walk because the babies can't walk it. The homeless can paint their own shelter.
32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
1PM Yes, but Here Instead of Stars We Have Purple Horseshoes
Trainer: You like the weather out here?
New girl: Yeah, it's really dry... And, um, weird for directions and stuff, you know? Like, does the sun set in the west out here, too?
Trainer: Uh, yeah.
Phoenix, Arizona
12PM Waistline: It's the Cheesesteaks
Harvard MBA student: So, are you flying back tonight? What airport are you flying into? New York?
Suit: Why would we fly to New York? We're from Philadelphia.
Harvard MBA student: I didn't know Philadelphia had an airport.
Suit: It's the fifth-largest city in the U.S., of course it has an airport.
Harvard MBA student: Largest city? Based on what?
Suit: Uh, population...
Harvard, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Not hiring any MBAs
11AM Somebody's Been Playing with His Dictionary
Manager: Look at those reports to see if any of the spelling has whacked off.
13490 Bass Lake Road
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Trying to keep a straight face
10AM The Nexus of the Late '80s Savings and Loan Debacle
Bank teller supervisor: She started working there when she was 18, and now she's 46. Yeah, she's been there 36 years.
1813 E 9th Street
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will66
9AM Needless to Say, I'll Never Eat Government Cheese Again
Editrix: I remember a time at this company when someone would say there was free food, and I'd go get some. It didn't matter what it was -- I ate it because it was free.
Scheduler: Sounds like a dark time.
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
Overheard by: Writer guy
5PM Don't Have an AutoFit
Tech support assisting with Excel: Whoa! No, no, no, no! I said I was going to adjust your columns, not kill you!
Trilegiant office
Trumbull, Connecticut
Overheard by: Redfox Alpha
4PM How about I Shoot You in the Temple and We'll See Which Way You Recoil
Boss: I want to put new labels on these binders. The labels must be capitalized and all face the same way. [Tilts head to the left, and then to the right] I am just not sure which way I want them to face. I don't know if I prefer to tilt my head to the left, [tilts head again to the left], or if I prefer tilting to the right.
Santa Cruz, California
3PM Yeah, It Reminds Us Why We Work
Woman to man remaining on elevator: Not getting off?
Man: Yeah, I thought it was going up. It was going down.
Woman: Ah, well, a little detour's okay.
Man: Yeah... I have a lot of work to do, though.
Woman: Well, but you know, sometimes it's important to stop and smell... the lobby.
60 State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM One in Each of the Last Three Years
Coworker: So, this woman at my church just had twins, except she had three of them.
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: fly on the wall
1PM The Gun In My Hand Will Be the Tip-Off
Guy #1: Hey, I thought you left already. When is your last day?
Guy #2: No, I'm still here until Thursday. Why?
Guy #1: I just wanted to know when you're still just working here and when I should call security.
7-Eleven, 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
12PM And Yet, Here You Are
Coworker #1: Man, if I found out my kid was retarded before it was born, I'd get it aborted. It's not like it's going to contribute to society.
Coworker #2: Except to give jobs to teachers who want to teach retarded kids.
Coworker #1: Yeah, and if my kid was going to be physically retarded but his brain was going to be fine, I'd give him up for adoption. That way I can have a normal one -- but I didn't kill him in case he's like Stephen Hawking.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Prochoice to a new level
11AM None of Us Are, Kid -- We're All Just Fakin' It
Newbie: I told you, I'm not brave enough to be a real waitress!
US-285
Conifer, Colorado
10AM And She Keeps Track of What STDs I Have
Customer, running: What aisle are your condoms in?
Cashier: Oh, um... aisle seven.
Customer: Thanks! Quick, quick, I've got the girl in the cab!
20-something guy behind him: Oooh, picked up a girl in the bar, eh? What's her name?
Customer: Don't know -- all I know is my wife is in Seattle.
Walgreens, 4th Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Other Cashier
9AM Mariah Carey?
Coworker on phone: Quick, think of a biracial vegetable!
Seattle, Washington
5PM Deleted Adrian Dialogue from Rocky
Woman #1: My boyfriend is Italian. That's as good as fucking a black man, but without the racial drama.
Woman #2: I thought Italian men were dumb.
Woman #1: Exactly.
Forest Avenue
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Office Manager
4PM Wait 'til She Learns They're All Self-Help Books about Outing Yourself to Your Parents
Collegiate on cell: Hey, Mom, you'll be proud of me -- I actually bought books at Borders -- to read!
Barnes & Noble, Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: book stacker
3PM The Civil War Re-enactors Ruined That for Everybody
Employee: Do you think I can leave my machete on display? I moved my plants and posters.
Supervisor: Machete, cool. Bayonet, not cool. I already asked HR.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: I Think I'll Request A Different Cubicle
2PM Around Here We Call It 'Napalm'
Customer: I know you wouldn't carry Jell-O, but do you have something exactly like it but called something else?
Whole Foods
Silver Spring, Maryland
1PM Pavlov's Doug
Woman: Just open it. If the alarm goes off, then the fat guy will come up and eat something.
343 W 36th Street
New York, New York
12PM So He Can Finally Tell Me a Little about Himself
Coworker on phone: He is into all the stuff I am, like anal and light spanking and nibbling, and we are going to go for coffee next week.
24th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
11AM You Say They Have Computers That Do That Now? Here, I'll Give You a Push
Male employee: Oh, I'm sorry. I could've scared you and you could've fallen.
Female employee sitting in an open, screenless window: That's okay, you didn't scare me.
Male employee: You look like you're going to jump. Please don't jump out the window. We really need someone to answer the phones.
98th Street and West End
New York, New York
Overheard by: adrienne
10AM If You Have to Ask, You Ain't Never Gonna Know
Male phone representative to female customer: Mmm... Okay... Yeah... Am I married?
Call Center
Beaverton, Oregon