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November 2006 Archives
5PM Has She Tried the Front Wipers?
Manager: Where's Patti*?
Worker: Her husband is having that cadillac surgery. She won't be in until later.
Manager: Cadillac surgery?
Worker: You know -- when they take the globs off of your eyes so you can see?
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: admin in charge
4PM He's Been Burned Before
Skank: Can I use your bathroom?
Clerk: Only if you promise not to pee on the floor.
Skank: Okay.
7-Eleven, Westmoreland Street and Broad Street
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Lane In Richmond
3PM Is This One of Those Microsoft Interview Questions?
Receptionist: I'm going to Hawaii next week. If I wanted to swim under the entire island, how deep would I have to go?
1600 Utica Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
2PM At Camp Marion Barry
Military personnel: Adam* looks like hell this morning -- like he was smoking crack all night. Adam, you are a civilian, right?
Adam: Yes.
Military personnel: Ah, then it's alright. You don't get drug-tested like us. Smoke all the crack you want.
Washington, DC
1PM And the Importance of Personal Protective Equipment
Boss: I'm not the one who brought up fucking a goat.
Minion: I was explaining the hazards of his job.
Bend, Oregon
12PM Parallel Conversations May Finish at the Same Time but Will Never Meet
Cube rat: I love Thai food...
Mail guy: Man, you should marry an Asian lady.
Cube rat: ... But I don't like sticky rice.
Mail guy: She doesn't have to be sticky.
1771 N Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: just another temp
11AM Yeah, Tell Him We Canceled Favorite Animal Friday
Coworker leaning on office door: Hey, have you seen John*?
Horse puppet appears peeking from under John's desk.
Horse puppet: John's not here right now. Can I take a message?
Coworker, slowly backing out of office: Uh...
8700 NW River Park Drive
Parkville, Missouri
Overheard by: Hapless intern
10AM And Not Salma Hayek, You Know What I Mean?
Worker: I need to go home and brush my teeth. My mouth tastes like Mexican people.
401 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Plausible Deniability
Attorney: I need a [investi]gator for a hand job.
Staff: Ha, ha! You mean a 'hand delivery'?
South Jefferson Avenue
Springfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Left Lobe
5PM I'm Also Real Good at Hiding in the Stock Room
Chick: So you don't know anything about anything behind the service desk?
Old manager: No, nothing.
Chick: So what happens if someone comes in here and robs us? You don't know how to push the button to call the cops?
Old manager: No.
Chick: So... what if that happens?
Old manager: I do know how to hire a new person.
Lawyers Road
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: CSReppingsucks.
4PM My Colleagues' Hatred Keeps Our Marriage Spicy
Coworker #1 on phone: No, no, no, dammit! I swear, I'm going to hang up -- I mean it, I'm going to hang up. No. No. No! Dammit, I said I am going to hang up!
Coworker #2 walks over, removes phone, slams it down: There, now we can all get back to our lives!
Coworker #1 redials: Sorry baby, some crazy twat I work with is having a bad day... What? What?! No! No! No! Dammit, I hate you! I'm hanging up!
Alpharetta, Georgia
3PM At a Quarter-Million Square Miles, He's a Very Big Boy
Proud, jorts-wearing papa: Eric* is looking more like a Saskatchewan every day, with his big feet and all that hair.
Conrad Sauer Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Jacob
2PM Me Jane. Tarzan Away on Business
Guy: How are you going to tell your mom that you didn't do your homework because you have a gorilla fetish?
Girl: It's not a fetish, I'm just curious about their... stuff.
Guy: It's still fucked up.
Washington Avenue Bridge, University of Minnesota
Minneapolis, Minnesota
1PM For a Telemarketer Who Has an IQ above 70, Press '2'
Homeowner answering telephone: Hola.
Telemarketer, in broken English: I am calling to tell you about a new calling plan...
Homeowner: No habla Ingles.
Telemarketer: Do you speak English?
Homeowner: No habla Ingles.
Telemarketer, speaking very slowly: Then I will speak English very slowly to you.
Homeowner: No habla Ingles, adios.
921 South Irby Street
Florence, South Carolina
Overheard by: Dun Ben Ther
12PM Wait, How Do You Spell It in a Fake British Accent, Again?
Middle-aged guy #1 looking at menu: Hey, man, they spelled 'Caesar' wrong.
Middle-aged guy #2: What do you mean?
Middle-aged guy #1: They spelled it C-A-E-S-A-R instead of C-E-A-S-A-R. They switched the 'A' and 'E.'
Middle-aged guy #2: Yeah, I've seen it spelled that way before. It's, like, the authentic Roman spelling.
Middle-aged guy #1: Oh, yeah, they were always doing crazy shit... Like backward V's and stuff.
Sam Snead's Tavern
Shawnee on Delaware, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Logan
11AM They're Still Working Out the Details at Homeland Security
Jeff*: Liz*, can you come here?
Liz: Are you going to fire me?
Jeff: I can't -- you're my supervisor.
Liz: What? No, I'm not. You're my supervisor.
Jeff: ...But if I'm your supervisor, and you're my supervisor, which one of us is really in charge?
Liz: That depends... If it's you, are you going to fire me?
Jeff: No.
Liz: Then it's you.
Jeff: Awesome.
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
10AM You Telling It to Me in a Chipmunk Voice after Sucking All the Helium out of a Balloon Only Makes It Less Credible
Coworker #1: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
Coworker #2: I know it sounds stupid...
Coworker #1: No, it doesn't just sound stupid, it is stupid.
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
9AM Not Knowing Is Better Than Thinking It Means 'Imply'
Student: I just read the stupidest word on my Bio diploma. 'Infer'? What the fuck does 'infer' mean?
1200 Festival Road
Sherwood Park, Alberta
Canadia
5PM Hours Later, Bloody and Rumpled, They Declared a Truce
Managing director: Did you meet Daron* yesterday?
HR recruiter: Daron?
Managing director: I introduced him to you yesterday.
HR recruiter: Who?
Managing director: I did.
HR recruiter: No, you didn't.
Managing director: ... Maybe I'm going crazy. You know -- Daron, with the dreads.
HR recruiter: With what?
Managing director: Dreads. You know -- dreadlocks.
HR recruiter: Oh, I hate those.
Managing director: What? Dreadlocks have been around since the Bible.
HR recruiter: What?
Managing director: Since Samson and Delilah. Samson had dreads.
HR recruiter: Who did?
Managing director: Samson!
HR recruiter: You mean Daron?
Managing director: Who?
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
4PM She Fell for Midas Muffler's Free Breast Exam Promotion
Black woman on cell: All he did was look at my vagina, and I owe him 300 dollars?
Federal Credit Union, 2nd Avenue and Chestnut Street
Louisville, Kentucky
3PM You Are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.
Marketing professor: How many countries are in Africa? I'm going to go around the room, and each of you give me a number.
Student #1: 50?
Student #2: 62?
Student #3: 54?
Marketing professor to sorority girl: How many do you think?
Sorority girl: I thought Africa was a country.
Peoria, Illinois
2PM You Should Have Had a Few Spares
Administrator on phone: Yeah, my cat passed away last Sunday. I put him in a paper bag and put it out on the curb for... for trash pick-up... What else could I do? Can't put him in the back yard. Yeah, I gotta get a new place. I can't stand the mice anymore.
Department of Education, 65 Court Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Emma
1PM And That's When I Remembered the Nipple Piercings
Employee: I would really like to apologize for running late this morning. It won't happen again.
Boss: Could you please turn your shirt right-side out?
350 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Susan
12PM Unless You Want to Be Skinny
College girl #1: I keep thinking I should smoke more often.
College girl #2: That's probably not a valid assessment.
Binghamton University
Binghamton, New York
11AM ... Which, Here at the Haagen-Dazs Quality-Control Division, We View As an Asset
Woman on phone: Yes, thank you -- she has an excessive licking problem.
East Sprague
Spokane, Washington
10AM When We Get to 'Two,' Give Me a Push, Okay?
Blonde entering elevator: I tell you, people are lazy.
Brunette: Which people?
Blonde, hitting button for second floor: Everybody. Everybody is lazy!
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
Overheard by: going to 5
9AM Why Couples Shouldn't Work in the Same Office
Good listener #1: Have you tried mango Propel?
Good listener #2: Nope.
Good listener #1: Is it any good?
Human Services, Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: uberkt
5PM I See Your Attempt at Humor, and I Refuse to Acknowledge It
Deskie #1: What's that smell? Sulfur? Rotten eggs?
Deskie #2: I have it figured out: It's Halloween, and all these girls are walking around with nothing covering areas which haven't been exposed in public since last Halloween.
Deskie #1: I don't get why that is relevant.
Front desk, Central Michigan University
Mount Pleasant, Michigan
Overheard by: Not A Deskie
4PM She's Seen All of Edward G. Robinson's Films
White rich girl leaving mall with friends: I am so much more gangsta than you!
Mall
Des Moines, Iowa
Overheard by: Am I Really in Iowa?
3PM Having Been Replaced As the Homo-Pretense Capital of the World, New York's Reaction 'Mixed'
Paralegal: What can I get you guys?
Consultant: Just a coffee.
Young consultant: Could I get a white mocha latte, please?
Head lawyer: Where do you think this is, LA?
Law firm, Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
2PM And I Won't Read to the Blind Either! They've Got Braille!
Suit #1: Hey, you always participate in the office Volunteer Day events. You did the March of Dimes Walk earlier this year. Are you going to paint the homeless shelter next month?
Suit #2: No. I did the March of Dimes Walk because the babies can't walk it. The homeless can paint their own shelter.
32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
1PM Yes, but Here Instead of Stars We Have Purple Horseshoes
Trainer: You like the weather out here?
New girl: Yeah, it's really dry... And, um, weird for directions and stuff, you know? Like, does the sun set in the west out here, too?
Trainer: Uh, yeah.
Phoenix, Arizona
12PM Waistline: It's the Cheesesteaks
Harvard MBA student: So, are you flying back tonight? What airport are you flying into? New York?
Suit: Why would we fly to New York? We're from Philadelphia.
Harvard MBA student: I didn't know Philadelphia had an airport.
Suit: It's the fifth-largest city in the U.S., of course it has an airport.
Harvard MBA student: Largest city? Based on what?
Suit: Uh, population...
Harvard, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Not hiring any MBAs
11AM Somebody's Been Playing with His Dictionary
Manager: Look at those reports to see if any of the spelling has whacked off.
13490 Bass Lake Road
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Trying to keep a straight face
10AM The Nexus of the Late '80s Savings and Loan Debacle
Bank teller supervisor: She started working there when she was 18, and now she's 46. Yeah, she's been there 36 years.
1813 E 9th Street
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will66
9AM Needless to Say, I'll Never Eat Government Cheese Again
Editrix: I remember a time at this company when someone would say there was free food, and I'd go get some. It didn't matter what it was -- I ate it because it was free.
Scheduler: Sounds like a dark time.
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
Overheard by: Writer guy
5PM Don't Have an AutoFit
Tech support assisting with Excel: Whoa! No, no, no, no! I said I was going to adjust your columns, not kill you!
Trilegiant office
Trumbull, Connecticut
Overheard by: Redfox Alpha
4PM How about I Shoot You in the Temple and We'll See Which Way You Recoil
Boss: I want to put new labels on these binders. The labels must be capitalized and all face the same way. [Tilts head to the left, and then to the right] I am just not sure which way I want them to face. I don't know if I prefer to tilt my head to the left, [tilts head again to the left], or if I prefer tilting to the right.
Santa Cruz, California
3PM Yeah, It Reminds Us Why We Work
Woman to man remaining on elevator: Not getting off?
Man: Yeah, I thought it was going up. It was going down.
Woman: Ah, well, a little detour's okay.
Man: Yeah... I have a lot of work to do, though.
Woman: Well, but you know, sometimes it's important to stop and smell... the lobby.
60 State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM One in Each of the Last Three Years
Coworker: So, this woman at my church just had twins, except she had three of them.
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: fly on the wall
1PM The Gun In My Hand Will Be the Tip-Off
Guy #1: Hey, I thought you left already. When is your last day?
Guy #2: No, I'm still here until Thursday. Why?
Guy #1: I just wanted to know when you're still just working here and when I should call security.
7-Eleven, 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
12PM And Yet, Here You Are
Coworker #1: Man, if I found out my kid was retarded before it was born, I'd get it aborted. It's not like it's going to contribute to society.
Coworker #2: Except to give jobs to teachers who want to teach retarded kids.
Coworker #1: Yeah, and if my kid was going to be physically retarded but his brain was going to be fine, I'd give him up for adoption. That way I can have a normal one -- but I didn't kill him in case he's like Stephen Hawking.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Prochoice to a new level
11AM None of Us Are, Kid -- We're All Just Fakin' It
Newbie: I told you, I'm not brave enough to be a real waitress!
US-285
Conifer, Colorado
10AM And She Keeps Track of What STDs I Have
Customer, running: What aisle are your condoms in?
Cashier: Oh, um... aisle seven.
Customer: Thanks! Quick, quick, I've got the girl in the cab!
20-something guy behind him: Oooh, picked up a girl in the bar, eh? What's her name?
Customer: Don't know -- all I know is my wife is in Seattle.
Walgreens, 4th Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Other Cashier
9AM Mariah Carey?
Coworker on phone: Quick, think of a biracial vegetable!
Seattle, Washington
5PM Deleted Adrian Dialogue from Rocky
Woman #1: My boyfriend is Italian. That's as good as fucking a black man, but without the racial drama.
Woman #2: I thought Italian men were dumb.
Woman #1: Exactly.
Forest Avenue
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Office Manager
4PM Wait 'til She Learns They're All Self-Help Books about Outing Yourself to Your Parents
Collegiate on cell: Hey, Mom, you'll be proud of me -- I actually bought books at Borders -- to read!
Barnes & Noble, Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: book stacker
3PM The Civil War Re-enactors Ruined That for Everybody
Employee: Do you think I can leave my machete on display? I moved my plants and posters.
Supervisor: Machete, cool. Bayonet, not cool. I already asked HR.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: I Think I'll Request A Different Cubicle
2PM Around Here We Call It 'Napalm'
Customer: I know you wouldn't carry Jell-O, but do you have something exactly like it but called something else?
Whole Foods
Silver Spring, Maryland
1PM Pavlov's Doug
Woman: Just open it. If the alarm goes off, then the fat guy will come up and eat something.
343 W 36th Street
New York, New York
12PM So He Can Finally Tell Me a Little about Himself
Coworker on phone: He is into all the stuff I am, like anal and light spanking and nibbling, and we are going to go for coffee next week.
24th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
11AM You Say They Have Computers That Do That Now? Here, I'll Give You a Push
Male employee: Oh, I'm sorry. I could've scared you and you could've fallen.
Female employee sitting in an open, screenless window: That's okay, you didn't scare me.
Male employee: You look like you're going to jump. Please don't jump out the window. We really need someone to answer the phones.
98th Street and West End
New York, New York
Overheard by: adrienne
10AM If You Have to Ask, You Ain't Never Gonna Know
Male phone representative to female customer: Mmm... Okay... Yeah... Am I married?
Call Center
Beaverton, Oregon
9AM I Could Have Been Strung-Out in the Corner Weeks Ago!
Coworker #1: Dude, you know that your nose is bleeding?
Intern: Shit, thanks for the heads-up.
Coworker #2: Damn, kid, I wish I woulda known -- you could have gotten me some blow.
Government building
Dayton, Ohio
5PM Because Sometimes the Purest Expressions of Love Need No Words
Coworker: Why won't any sex offenders talk to me?
1334 Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska
4PM This Dramatization of the Importance of Negative Numbers is the Grittiest Schoolhouse Rock Yet
CSR: Customer Service, this is Sheri*. May I have your account number please?
Customer: Why is my account negative?!
CSR: Well, if you give me your account number, I can look it up and go over your transactions with you.
Customer gives information, CSR verifies, and the conversation continues.
CSR: Well, ma'am, looks like your opening deposit on Tuesday was 25 dollars... And then you withdrew 40 dollars from the ATM on Friday.
Customer: And...?
CSR: Well, 25 dollars minus 40 dollars is negative 15 dollars.
Customer: I don't understand what you are trying to tell me.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
3PM You've Never Asked Permission Before
Coworker to boss: I'm starting to feel like not being nice and not being so understanding to Jennifer*. You'll either have to give me a pep talk about politeness in the workplace, or give me permission to be a bitch.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: End of the Rope
2PM It's Just that Karen is Very Fondle You
Office girl #1 to girl #2: Oh, you are so supportive, Karen*!
Office girl #3: Yeah! Like a bra!
423 East 23rd Street
New York, New York
1PM And Live under a Bridge Like Common Trolls?
Coworker: I wish my kids could job-shadow a homeless person.
404 Columbia Place
South Bend, Indiana
Overheard by: Dave Trowbridge
12PM Yes, Ask Him Why He Never Returns My Calls
Client on phone: May I talk to Mr. Ackerman*, please?
Receptionist: I'm sorry, but Mr. Ackerman doesn't work here anymore. Would you like to leave a message?
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: jullylully
11AM For Emily Five, Wherever I May Find Her
Boss: Thank god for Emily Five!
Coworker: What?
Boss: Thank god for Emily Five!
Coworker: Huh?
Boss: You know -- the whole London terror plot thing.
Coworker: You mean, 'MI5'?
Boss: Whatever... Thank god they were there to make sure we're safe.
1400 16th Street
NW Washington, DC
Overheard by: Neena
10AM By 'Dyke' You Mean She Has Sex with Men Who Aren't You?
Contractor: That hairy-legged bitch.
Manceptionist: Oh yeah, she's a fucking dyke. That's why she has a bastard child.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM '... But Tomorrow Morning Will Be a Different Story'?
Little girl #1: I love you! How do you spell 'you?' Is it Y-E-S?
Little girl #2: Nuh-uh. [Pause] Y-O-U.
Little girl #1: Ohhh. How do you spell 'I love you tonight'?
Greenfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Lea
5PM 'Benny and the Jets'? Perfect for Cardio
AP woman: You look like you're getting your figure back.
AR woman: I'm trying -- I've become obsessed with BJs.
Richmond Road
Bedford Heights, Ohio
4PM Just Singe the Page a Bit
Company president: I love the photo [of a blonde girl on the beach] you used on this brochure. It's perfect. But can you keep the same photo and just make her black instead?
Columbia, South Carolina
Overheard by: Office Peon
3PM Just Left a Job in Urophilia, Pennsylvania
Job applicant #1: No job is worth having to give someone my pee in a plastic cup!
Job applicant #2: Uh-oh, you're refusing the drug test?
Job applicant #1: Oh, it's just a drug test? I thought that manager guy was just some sort of pee-pee pervert.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
2PM Neo Has Trouble with the Matrix Again
Sales guy on phone: Yeah, we need to quantitate that. Mmm-hmmm. Well, I can't make ends meet of this spreadsheet.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
1PM I'd Say That's True of Anyone in Nebraska
White clerk to black clerk: What are you doing over in these parts? Slummin'?
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Doug's Mom
12PM No Thanks, I'm Driving
Specialist: Did you know that one of the most recognizable smells is the smell of crayons?
Manager: What about glue?
2700 W Plano Parkway
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: soolka
11AM People Going through a Dry Spell?
Employee: I mean, really -- who uses the word 'lubricant' in passing?
48th Street and Madison Avenue
New York, New York
10AM I Will Never Forget Our Little Chat
Manager: So, my wife had to give me an enema this weekend. I thought I was going to die.
New girl: Are you serious?
Manager: Yes. I am always serious.
Christina Street
Sarnia, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Leoness
9AM Note to Self: Remove Foot from Mouth. Insert Banana.
IT guy #1: Oops, I dropped my banana.
IT guy #2: Well, that's the great thing about peelable fruit -- the inside is safe.
IT guy #1: Yeah, you can put it anywhere.
555 W 112th Avenue
Northglenn, Colorado
5PM What's That on Your Upper Lip?
Professor: Given the above table, who thinks penguin milk has less fat than seal milk?
Half the class raises their hands.
Professor: How many think penguin milk has more fat than seal milk?
Other half raises their hands.
Professor to TA: This is a bad sign.
UC Davis
Davis, California
Overheard by: someone easily tricked at 8am sans coffee
4PM Exactly the Kind of Dirty Work You Avoid on Vacation
Woman #1: How was your vacation?
Woman #2: Great!
Woman #3: You look great! Did you have fun?
Woman #2: Lots of sex, no kids, and lots of beach time.
Woman #1: You have sex on vacation?
Bergen, New Jersey
3PM Which Half?
Coworker #1: So, Mr. Ericson* says he is going to send in pictures of his fence to show the problems he has with it.
Coworker #2: Yeah, well, I checked the email. He didn't send us pictures of the fence.
Coworker #1: What did he send?
Coworker #2: Pictures of himself, half-naked.
Coworker #1: Well, I'm not fixing that.
Atlanta, Georgia
2PM He's Married to This Woman
Boss: Natasha*, is there something wrong?
Natasha: My friend just texted me saying that she's sitting next to Orlando Bloom.
Boss: Tell him he's fired if he doesn't get here in five minutes.
Employee #2: Boss, he's an actor.
Boss: I don't give a rat's ass what he aspires to be. I emailed everyone yesterday saying that this meeting was very important.
Natasha: Mr. Jones*, he's a Hollywood actor. He doesn't work---
Boss, very angry: ---I see. That's what he says, huh? He's fired then!
Employee #2: Seriously, Boss, he doesn't work here. He is just an actor who happened to sit next to Natasha's friend.
Boss: So how the fuck do you dare to interrupt my meeting with some bullshit talk on a psycho employee who thinks he's in Hollywood?!
270 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: working for an oblivious boss
1PM Causing Very Mixed Feelings, Indeed
Woman to friend: I'm so going to hit you in the vagina for that!
950 Mission Street
San Francisco, California
12PM And Yet, Pee Does Nothing for My Coffee
Girl exiting bathroom: Coffee makes my pee smell funny.
1000 Hilltop Circle
Baltimore, Maryland
11AM Dude, It's a Big Continent
White professional #1: Did you know that there's a coming of age ceremony in Africa where the nephew has to blow the uncle?
White professional #2: No, there isn't!
White professional #1: Yes, there is, I swear... [Turns to African-American coworker] Right, Kareem?
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Hermitage
10AM Which Is Incompatible with Our Corporate Rigidity
Executive: At the end of December she agreed to voluntarily quit. She really wants to go and do that bendy thing -- you know, yoga.
Portrero Hill
San Francisco, California
9AM Me Neither. Isn't Advertising Cool?
Art director: Don't you have to be educated to do your job?
IT guy: Nope.
11 E 26th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jeremy
5PM The Politically Correct Term Now Is 'Biscuits'
Health clinic employee: That woman is one kooky cracker!
Manager: I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't call our patients 'kooky.'
Health clinic employee: But you and Dr. Horowitz* call patients 'crazy' all the time. What's the difference between 'kooky' and 'crazy'?
Manager: I just don't want you to call our patients 'kooky.'
Health clinic employee: It's still alright to call them 'crackers' though, right?
104 Market Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
4PM Remember? The ASPCA Won't Let Us Forget!
Daughter-in-law cooing over another shopper's baby: Awww -- look at that face!
Mother-in-law: You'll have one of your own soon.
Daughter-in-law: [Snorts] Talk to your son about that.
Mother-in-law: Well, that's between the two of you, I think.
Daughter-in-law: You know how I am. If I don't get what I want, I just go out and get it myself. Remember how I wanted a kitten?
Oxford Valley Mall
Langhorne, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Fellow shopper
3PM I'll Be Anything If It'll Get Me Laid
Employee #1: Is anyone here a feminist?
Employee #2: What's that?
Employee #1: So, that would be a no...
1301 Central Avenue
Evanston, Illinois
2PM Plus, the Witch Is Always Trying to Trick Us into the Oven
Employee: First they stuff us with pie, then they expect us to work.
South Rainier
Seattle, Washington
1PM And What Is That Bright Object in the Sky?
Pale girl: Look at these freckles on the back of my hand. Oh, my -- what is this dark ring?!
Smoker: That's called a tan.
130 East Randolph Street
Chicago, Illinois
12PM But I'm Thinking about Canceling My Slut License
Bartender: I was sitting at the bar having a beer before work, and an old lady came up and gave me the nicest compliment.
Manager: Oh, yeah? What did she say?
Bartender: She told me that I was a very pretty girl and I should get up off the barstool and quit being a slut all my life.
Manager: So, she really called you a slut.
Bartender: Well... I guess she did.
405 N Interurban Avenue
Richardson, Texas
11AM With a Name Like Oral Roberts, It's Hard to Be Otherwise
Coworker: Yeah, I call my husband the 'Pentecostal Pervert'! He married me when I was 13.
UC Davis Hospital
Davis, California
10AM This Job Sucks -- I Quit!
Reporter #1: So, I was interviewing her about what she was going to do next, and she said she hoped she'd just get, you know, a Joe Blow job.
Reporter #2: You're not going to put that in the story, are you?
Reporter #3: Where can I find this Joe?
149 Penn Avenue
Scranton, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: I just work here
9AM Sorry, We Lost All of Ours, Too
Management material: Can I have a job application? I came in last week for one but I lost it.
277 Coalinga Plaza
Coalinga, California
Overheard by: Jaime who deals with dumb people
5PM And No Time for Breeder Drama
Large lesbo on cell: What's new with me? Oh, nothing too much. Oh wait -- yeah, I got a new dog! Yeah, another one. Well, my neighbor was killed in a murder-suicide with her boyfriend, so the dog had post-traumatic stress disorder. Oh, it's a Irish Settler. It's pretty cute... A little overweight, though. Besides that, not too much. You know me -- work, work, work.
Marriot Hotel Concierge VIP room
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Miguelito Morrison
4PM Um, I Was Distracted?
Man screaming into cell and gesturing at the wall: I'm beneath the fucking girl with her fucking panties around her ankles! How could you miss me?!
Outside civil courthouse
Miami-Dade, Florida
Overheard by: also standing beneath the coppertone ad
3PM And We Must Never, Ever Utter It Aloud
Waitress to another: No! There's a reason I don't eat the coleslaw! No!
Cafe
Salt Point, New York
Overheard by: Not eating it either
2PM After Violet Became a Blueberry, It Took Years of Plastic Surgery to Turn Her White Again
Mother to small child: I already spent all of my money on your face.
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
Overheard by: beckz
1PM Which Is Why Her Boyfriend Had to Resort to Botox
Female accountant: I'm allergic to chocolate.
CFO: Really? My daughter is allergic to -- how does she put it -- 'Wrinkly nuts.'
7887 E Belleview Avenue
Englewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Did anyone else hear that?
12PM Which Was Actually Required by His Last Employer
Female coworker #1: So, what do you think about Henry?
Female coworker #2: He's an odd egg, but a good egg -- at least when he's not licking people.
Wausau, Wisconsin
11AM That Was MasterBeta Testing
Developer #1: We've never run the application in a clustered environment.
Developer #2: Yeah, but we've run it in a cluster-fucked environment.
Canal Park
Cambridge, Massachusetts
10AM Your Verbal Warning Will Be Confirmed in Pudding
Boss to tardy employee: I'm going to write you up with a verbal warning.
Employee: ... Wait. What?
Boss: Don't be smart.
Burnet Road
Austin, Texas
9AM A Little Accident with the Stove... Why?
9 to 5-er: I've smelled burnt human, and it doesn't smell like chicken.
Austin, Texas
5PM I Don't Have to Imagine. Wait, Did I Say That out Loud?
Editor #1 watching CNN: Can you imagine how hot JonBenet would be by now?
Editor #2: What?
333 N Meridian Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
4PM Apparently He Never Went Drinking with College Girls
Hardware tech #1: He probably covered the screwdriver in vaseline and lit it on fire.
Hardware tech #2: Actually, it was a woman. I mean, how dangerous can a woman with a screwdriver be?
460 Hillside Street
Needham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: S. Griffin
3PM Don't Even Be Eatin' That Yogurt in Front of Me
Boss: There's pizza in the back room for everyone in appreciation of your hard work!
Employee #1: Hey, Jen*, can you save me a slice? I can't leave my desk right now.
Employee #2: Sure, I'll bring two back. There should be enough for two slices per person.
Employee #3: You know, I work harder than the rest of you all combined; therefore, I should get the most fuckin' pizza. Does anyone else here work as hard as me? I don't fuckin' think so. So that means that I get more pizza. I don't want to see anyone eating more fuckin' pizza than me.
Employee #2: So, Meredith*, what kind of pizza did you want?
Employee #1: Um, I think I'll just... stick with my yogurt... Thanks.
570 Worcester Road
Framingham, Massachusetts
2PM Different Day, Same Shit
Building manager: Did you get that poop under control?
Maintenance guy: I'll deal with it on Monday.
7025 Kit Creek Road
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: mac774
1PM Not That We Were Expecting Bloody Geniuses
Client: I've talked to some of these people applying online. They're a little scary -- it's not like they're Menses candidates.
Portland, Oregon
12PM You're on the List of Idiots Born August 5th, Though
Coworker #1: Hey, look -- a list of famous people born on Friday the 13th.
Coworker #2: I wonder if I was born on Friday the 13th...
Coworker #1: When's your birthday?
Coworker #2: August 5th.
Coworker #1: Then no...
Weehawken, New Jersey
Overheard by: Brian
11AM The Litter Box Next to the Bed Might Be a Mistake
Female employee: I don't mind thinking I'll be a creepy cat lady. I just don't want to be a creepy virgin cat lady.
Crosspoint Boulevard
Indianapolis, Indiana
10AM Better Wrap This up, Boys -- Mrs. Agnew's Coming into Heat
Supervisor #1: I mean, humans are the only ones that are supposed to be having interspecies sex, and even then, I don't think that we should be.
Supervisor #2: Ew.
Supervisor #3: But that'd probably get you promoted here.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
9AM If At First You Don't Succeed, Lower Your Standards
Drunk chick: Hey, bartender! Did anyone ever tell you you look like Luke from Gilmore Girls?
Bartender: No. What's Gilmore Girls?
Drunk chick: It's a show on TV. You should look it up. [To guy standing next to her] Hey, you look like this guy in this porn I have!
Dickson Street
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: laughing into my beer
5PM Didn't You See Me Roll That Drunk in the Parking Lot?
10-year-old boy to mom: 63 dollars? Do you have that kind of cash?
Disneyland entrance gates
Anaheim, California
Overheard by: amused disney worker
4PM I Came to Glasgow on a Holiday of Self-Mortification
CSR on phone: Yes, I know. I'm sorry, I am French.
Percepta, Sauchiehall Street
Glasgow
Scotland
3PM Pretty People Still Have to Stand Up
Female coworker: I wish I was disabled.
Male coworker: What? Why?
Female coworker: 'Cause then people would do things for you, like carry your stuff and get you things.
Male coworker: People do that for pretty people -- why don't you wish to be pretty?
910 Louisiana Avenue
Houston, Texas
2PM You Think until Thanksgiving?
Coworker on phone: Can I ask you something off-topic? If a family pet dies, how long can you keep it in the freezer?
Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
1PM They're in the Faculty Freezer Now
Teacher: Hugh*, why are you out in the hallway? You should be in the classroom.
Student: Well, I had skidmarks in my underpants so, you know, I was putting them away...
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: another teacher
12PM Brice Now Regretted Choosing the How-Can-I-Be-Happy-in-a-World-Full-of-Suffering Meal
Guy: You know, it's really unfair we have 24-hour food, and some places have no food at all.
38th Street and I-465
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Mylisa Suzanne
11AM Clinton Was a Rhodes Scholar, and He Still Picks up Trash on Friday Nights
Salesman: It's this whole 'No Child Left Behind, let's get all the kids to graduate college' bullshit. If everybody goes to college, who's gonna do the work? Huh? Who's gonna dig the ditches? Who's gonna pick up the trash? We don't need that. We need kids to drop out of school and do the work.
Birch Street
Brea, California
10AM An Hour Later You'll Want to Watch the News Again
Art director: Is it wrong that I saw something on the news about a triple homicide in Koreatown, now I'm craving Chinese food?
Los Angeles, California
9AM She's a Somnabuleater
Guy: I don't think you were passed out. He said you went down on him three times.
East Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: Meister
5PM Everyone Was Relieved When Emo the Magnificent Finally Checked Out
Professor: It smells like fall, doesn't it?
Student: It smells like depressing cold and the inevitable onset of winter.
Brandeis University
Waltham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I didn't smell anything
4PM Why? Because It's There
Coworker #1: Go fist yourself.
Coworker #2: You love saying that. I think we should start a national campaign using that slogan!
Coworker #1: I like that idea. We just need someone who's willing to appear on a billboard with their fist up their ass...
Both coworkers: Carl*!
Route 22 and Colonial Road
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Nathan
3PM The Aunt Needed to Be Wormed after an Unfortunate Incident with a Tequila Bottle
Sales assistant #1: My dad came over this last weekend and wormed Annabelle for me.
Office manager: Why did your dad have to do it?
Sales assistant #2: Is this your aunt?
Office manager: Don't you just give her a pill?
Sales assistant #1: No, you put it up her... poo.
Sales assistant #2: Ummm...
Sales assistant #3: It's an animal, Ed*!
Sales assistant #1: My dad wormed Josie, too. He has to put the medicine up the dog's tushy.
Sales assistant #2: Ohhh, okay, I thought this was her aunt. I'm okay now.
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM Where U.S. Army Officials Go to 'Investigate' Suspected Homosexual Acts
Old man: So, this was a good queer movie.
Video store clerk: Ummm...
Old man: Where are the other movies about dykes and queers?
Video store clerk: Ummm...
Old man: I want to know if they are really sexy, though.
Cedar Street
Westchester, New York
Overheard by: silenced
1PM West of the West Bank
Blonde hostess: So, I started saying, 'Oy' all the time this summer, and someone asked me where that word came from. I think it must just be a midwestern thing to say, huh?
Ames, Iowa
12PM See Ya Later, Ed
Coworker: I'm leaving early, y'all. I ripped my pants, and I can't work with my vagina hanging out.
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: Up against her for a promotion
11AM That's Your Answer for Everything
Coworker #1: Are you bringing something tomorrow?
Coworker #2: Yeah, but I'm not sure what. Everyone is so hard to please.
Coworker #1: I know. I want to make that pasta dish I told you about, but it has a lot of vegetables. I have to find out who likes what, and what they don't like. It'd be easier to kill everyone instead.
12300 Olive Boulevard
St. Louis, Missouri
10AM Just Like Daisy Duke
Sunday school teacher: How's that new little kitten of yours?
Priest: She's doing well. We're taking her over to the vet tomorrow to be spayed.
Child #1: What's spayed?
Child #2: That's when they take off her overalls so she can't have babies.
Joliet, Montana
9AM See This Eye Patch?
Man: Well, once you shoot yourself in the foot with a nail gun, you'll know you should never point it at anything.
Software company
Birmingham, Alabama
5PM Plus, It's the Clearest Dramatization of the Effect of Reaganomics That I Know
Economics professor: Kick me in the rear. I like it.
University of Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: my attention span is price inelastic
4PM Amanda Hugginkiss Had Responded and Was Befuddled by the Accusation
Manager: We've noticed that you haven't responded to the anonymous survey. We'd like your feedback as soon as possible.
32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
3PM 'Dear Penthouse' Letters
Man: Are you 21?
Teen girl: I'm 16.
Man: Oh, I was going to buy you your first in-flight drink.
Woman sitting behind them: I'm her mother. You can buy me a drink.
Flight from Michigan to Phoenix
Overheard by: Enigmae
2PM The Course Was 'Unleash Your Psychic Powers'
IT manager on phone: You're right, ma'am. Yes, that is entirely our fault. We should have explained that you'll need to have a computer to teach a course online.
Denver Tech Center
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: rev_matt
1PM What a Fulozer
CSR on phone: And what size product do you have?
Customer: Where do I find that?
CSR: It should be on the front of the label, probably on the bottom.
Customer: No, it's not there. All it says there is 'Eight fulozos.'
CSR: Uh... Do you mean 'Eight fluid ounces'?
Customer: No... It says 'Fulozos.'
1905 Aston Avenue
Carlsbad, California
12PM That Guy Under the Table Is Actually Just Booting
Waitress: Hi guys, are you ready to order?
Frat boy: Oh, we're not gay!
Diner, West College Avenue
State College, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: 3rd Shift
11AM Them Some Mad Symbolist Tomes, Bro
Jock #1: Need me some Steinbeck. You read Grapes of Wrath yet?
Jock #2: No.
Jock #1: Makes East of Eden look like trash! It's hardcore.
Jock #3: Whoa! Cannery Row!
All three: Awesome.
Barnes & Noble
Southlake, Texas
Overheard by: They can read?
10AM Dare to Dream, Little Queen
Female coworker: I think I'm going to go home. I'm not feeling well.
Gay coworker: I hope it's not contagious.
Female coworker: No. It's... woman problems. I don't think you'll get infected.
Gay coworker: You'd be surprised.
14th Street and Rhode Island Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Suprised
9AM No, the French Are What's Wrong with France
Employee #1: It's them damn environmentalists that make the gas prices so high.
Employee #2: Yeah, those morons won't let us drill for oil anywhere. They're what's wrong with this country.
Employee #1: Yeah, them and the French.
North 6th Street
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Environmentalist
5PM Darwin, You Want to Field This One?
Guy: Fuck, she is just a total bitch.
Woman #1: What race is she?
Woman #2: Duh, female.
720 Bay Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
4PM So Only Old or Stupid People Deal with Him Now
Employee: Where's Bob* been the last few days?
Manager: Oh... He's been AOL for a while now.
1080 Greenwood Boulevard
Lake Mary, Florida
Overheard by: Something Mickey this way comes
3PM He's Anterean-Curious
Male coworker: But Anne Heche is oddly hot, and she'd be okay with another woman in the bedroom. Plus, she's insane, which makes her fun.
Female coworker: Well, guess if you're fantasizing about someone bi and crazy she could be interesting...
Male coworker: See? See? I think she might actually be an alien. That'd be even better! Aliens are sexy.
Female coworker: No, no, now you're just getting weird and nerdy. Aliens are not sexy.
Male coworker: I always imagined the female alien from Cocoon to be really sexy. She had a great body when the skin was on her, but there was something scary and yet awesome about the glowing part. I'd want her to keep her human skin on, but I imagine sex with her to be like nothing else you've ever imagined. And I imagine her kisses to taste like candy and electricity, like pop rocks or something.
Female coworker: Okay, now you've let me know too much information, and you're still getting all nerdy.
Male coworker: Okay, you're right. This is starting to sound weird.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
2PM Her Beef Curtains Are Now Just Blinds
Weight Watchers orator: Does anyone have any good news they'd like to share with us this week?
Fat lady: Yes. I went to my gynecologist for my checkup this week, and he said now that I've lost weight, it's much easier to examine me because now there are fewer folds.
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
1PM They Should Have Known, Man!
Law student #1: I can't believe the parents in that case named their kid Adolph!
Law student #2: Uh... That case was from 1850...
Law student #1: So?
699 Exposition Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: TAJ
12PM 'Good-Enough Parenting' Is a Fairly Elastic Concept
Coworker #1: So, your daughter's learning to walk yet?
Coworker #2: Nah, not yet, but she can stand up, and she falls down the stairs real good.
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: Yeah, she did that last night. Scared me real good.
Coworker #1: Eh, don't worry. Once, I dropped mine from a good height. About three or four feet. I didn't worry, 'cause she started laughing.
Department of Homeland Security
Washington, DC
Overheard by: scared of having children
11AM Mary and Joseph Really Had Their Hands Full
Mom listening to garbled announcement over PA: Did he just ask God to collect his son at the front desk?
Daughter: Are you senile?
Whole Foods
Seattle, Washington
10AM To Be Fair, It Was His Asthma Medication
Kid holding toy: If I don't get this, I'm going to die.
Dad: You're not getting anything today!
Kid: Do you want me to die? You want me to die! You're killing me! You're killing me!
University Mall
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
9AM But He Does Have a Really Hot 12-Year-Old Niece
Meat clerk: So, Mitch*, how old is your daughter?
Mitch: 19. Why, you wanna fuck her? She's a whore. Joe* already fucked her.
Joe: He doesn't have a daughter.
Supermarket
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: Fishmonger
5PM Who Can't See Their Fingers
Coworker #1: Ha! They have phones with big numbers for people with fat fingers.
Coworker #2: Dont be mean -- they're probably for deaf people.
25 North Terrace
Adelaide
Australia
Overheard by: collins
4PM ... I Seem to Have Lost Possession of It
Cell phone technician: This is Mariah*, how can I help you?
Customer: Yes ma'am, I just bought the Sony Exorcism phone, and...
7111 N Prince Street
Clovis, New Mexico
Overheard by: it's a sony ERICSSON!!!! LMAO
3PM A Whacking Good Reason
Female customer #1: They have lotion in the women's bathroom that is phenomenal.
Female customer #2: There was a line for the women's room, so the owner let me use the men's room when nobody was in it. They didn't have any lotion in there.
Man: There's probably a good reason for that.
3520 Erie Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Please tell me you washed your hands
2PM You Should See the Water Sports Department
Female coworker: What are Dick's?
Male coworker: Oh, Dick's are huge!
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Meghan
1PM Not Just Any Juices, Either -- Don't Do What I Did
Girl: Ummm... You need boy juices in order to make a baby.
610 Broadway
Portland, Oregon
12PM A Better Solution Than 'Always Turn Left'
Receptionist on phone: I know, this piercing is the best! Now whenever I have sex with someone really stupid, they are bound to find it!
The Generator Hostel
London, England
Overheard by: JJK
11AM You Want a Bite?
Female coworker: Dude. What's with the mutton chops?
Male coworker: Just keepin' it awesome, babe.
Wausau, Wisconsin
10AM Dating Tip #493: If You Open with a Lie, Be Prepared with Another Lie to Back It Up
Woman to suit looking at a travel magazine: I've been there.
Suit: Oh, yeah? Where is that?
Woman: I don't know.
Reagan National Airport
Arlington, Virginia
9AM Especially the Cats' Eyes
Kindergarten boy: Mrs. Jones*, I need to go to the bathroom.
Teacher: No, you just went.
Kindergarten boy: Please, Mrs. Jones*. I gotta go.
Teacher: No, you were told you had to wait.
Kindergarten boy: But I have to go now! My marbles are itchy!
Manitoba
Canadia
5PM From The Complete Idiot's Guide to Business Diplomacy
Executive forwarding an email to whole company: I don't know if any of you have seen this summary. You may find it a useful 'Idiot's Guide.'
Employee: Are you implying everyone you just sent this to is an idiot?
Executive: Not in the slightest! I was implying the guy who sent it to me thought I was an idiot.
1251 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
4PM And I'm Starting to Wonder about You
Guy: Humans are the only mammals that rape face-to-face.
Girl #1: What about dolphins?
Girl #2: But sharks don't. Sharks dance.
Guy: Sharks aren't mammals.
Girl #2: Oh yeah, you said mammals. But penguins don't.
Guy: Penguins aren't mammals either.
Tucson, Arizona
3PM But When It Comes to Self-Abuse, Nothing Tops Alcohol and Baccarat
Grandma to stranger: Meth is way worse than heroin.
Granddaughter: What?
Grandma: Oh. Ummm, nothing, honey... Nevermind. Aren't we here to gamble and drink?
Caesars, Indiana
Overheard by: Fatty
2PM That's Why You Shouldn't Mix Salty Foods with Carbonated Beverages
Marketing manager: Uh-oh. I just totally blogged.
4th Avenue and Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: embarrassed for you
1PM Did I Mention That I Won't Be Wearing Pants?
Employee #1: So basically, I'm going to wear a shirt that says, 'Ghouls Gone Wild' on it.
Employee #2: You can't do that! You have to dress slutty!
Sixforks and Strickland
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: Heather
12PM That Depends on How Nice Your Car Is
Coworker: Let's go for a ride. Does your top come off?
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
Overheard by: smooth
11AM Now Here Are Some Condoms and a Hole Punch...
CFO: Our budget has been balanced the last few years because of unpaid maternity leaves, and we are working that into our models for coming years.
Committee member: So our financial solvency is based on people in the company having sex?
CFO: Basically.
Klaipeda
Lithuania
10AM Usually If You Hate the Jews, You Just End up Getting Slapped on the Wrist for a DUI in Malibu
Teen boy: Did Walt Disney hate the Jews?
Teen girl: No, I don't think so. I mean, that's not why he died or anything.
Harper Road
Clemmons, North Carolina
Overheard by: Po
9AM Even When It's Not Critical
Employee #1: Critical criteria. Critical criteria.
Employee #2: Is that some kind of new alarm?
Employee #1: No, I'm typing that in an email.
Employee #2: Oh. Is there something wrong with that?
Employee #1: No, why? Does it sound wrong?
Employee #2: It sounds kinda fancy.
Employee #1: So I should go with it?
Employee #2: If you want to be fancy, then you should.
Employee #1: I like to be fancy.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM Also, Will I Meet a Tall Dark Stranger on an Upcoming Voyage?
Customer: I need to have some work done on my car, and I want to know how much it's going to cost.
Shop guy: Okay, let's go take a look.
Customer: Well, the car isn't here, it's at my house.
Shop guy: You need to bring the car here if you want an estimate.
Customer: I don't need an estimate, I just want to know how much it's going to cost.
Auto body shop
New Jersey
4PM So You'll Have to Buy a Clue Somewhere Else
Customer on phone: Can you transfer me to the Electronic section?
Best Buy clerk: Uh, anyone in particular?
Customer on phone: Yes, Electronics.
Best Buy clerk: Sir, you do realize we are an electronic store, right?
Bowie, Maryland
3PM Lottery Board: Eeexcellent!
Customer: These ice cream cones and a hundred dollars in lotto tickets.
Store clerk: Okay, $106.39
Customer: What? These ice creams cost six dollars?! What a waste of money! No, I dont want them. What a waste. Seriously! No, no -- just the lotto tickets.
Eastlake Mart
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: kallisti
2PM The Klan Has Fallen on Hard Times
Ghetto girl on cell: Whitey snuck into my apartment and set my alarm clock off by 12 hours! I ain't never snuck into no white person's house and put poison in they're food! But Whitey's oppressin' me. Whitey snuck into my apartment while I was in the shower and stole my underwear! While I was in the shower!
545 Bus
Outside Seattle, Washington
1PM Wait, No! That's What the Frogs Want!
Pilot: Tower, there's a piece of foreign object debris on the taxiway in front of the tower.
Tower: Roger, we'll send a truck right out to pick it up.
Pilot: Tower, disregard the FOD. It just hopped off the taxiway.
Tower: Disregarding.
Air Force Pilot training base
Texas
Overheard by: Redstick Zero Five
12PM Because Their Secretary Told Me They're Missing Page 47 over There
Boss: I've got part of the Kama Sutra on my wall.
Employee: Do we need to talk to H.R.?
175 South 3rd Street
Columbus, Ohio
11AM Reagan: The Hidden Diaries
Employee on phone: Did you poop? Did you poop today? Will you poop with me when I get home? Okay, we'll poop together when I get home.
New York, New York
10AM No, I Quit Because None of Them Were Prostitutes
Male administrator: So, are you a prostitute?
Female administrator: Excuse me?
Male administrator: It's a line from that movie, Monster.
Female administrator: You can't just go around saying things like that to people.
Male administrator: Oh. Well, I used to do it all the time at my old job.
Female administrator: Is that why you're not working there anymore?
Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: the fly on the wall
9AM Still Curious about the Gasoline, George?
Computer nerd: Last night I had to set my monkey on fire.
California State University
Northridge, California
Overheard by: Scott
5PM Our Children Need Statistics Classes, Now More Than Ever
Guy employee: So I read in the news today that drinking from Nalgene bottles while you're pregnant may cause a miscarriage.
Girl employee: Oh my gosh! My best friend just had a miscarriage, and she drinks from a Nalgene bottle all the time!
Guy employee: See?
Tully's Coffee, Union Station
Seattle, Washington
4PM I'm Considering Bumping It up to 'Ti-Mika' If I Make Partner
Ghetto girl #1: Yeah, and that's why I changed my name.
Ghetto girl #2: For real? What was it before?
Ghetto girl #1: I changed it from Te-mika to Ta-mika. Sounds more professional.
Ghetto girl #2: Oooh girl, you know you right.
1300 19th Street
Washington, DC
Overheard by: KilThor
3PM Well, It Is and It Isn't
Supervisor: She used to wear all sorts of things in her hair, and then one day she showed up with a condom, and we were like, 'Honey, that's not a scrunchie.'
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
2PM Her Oonication Skills Need Work
Associate: Hey, can you come look at my pooter?
Manager: Your what?
Associate: What? ... What? Come on, my computer!
Mass Street
Lawrence, Kansas
Overheard by: tara
1PM Because, after This Conversation, I May Need to Blow My Brains Out
Boss: How was your day?
Employee miming pointing a gun to his head: Know what I mean? But it's over now.
Boss: My father killed himself six months ago.
Employee: Did he use a gun?
47 Catherwood Road
Ithaca, New York
Overheard by: I prefer the
12PM When the Company Switched to Voodoo Performance Management
Coworker #1: What the hell am I looking at here?
Coworker #2: Could be blood, could be nothing.
Alpharetta, Georgia
11AM Tell You What -- Half Price for You. You Can Give the Six Dollars to Me
Girl #1: Ummm, we need to make copies, and we don't want to spend a lot of money.
Student worker: The copier over there is 10 cents, same as everywhere on campus.
Girl #1: That's so expensive!
Student worker: You could also scan the papers and print them out. That's free.
Girl #1: What do you mean?
Student worker: Ummm, you can put them on the scanner, hit 'Scan,' and then when they pop up, hit 'Print.'
Girl #1: I don't know about this whole scanning thing -- it sounds really complicated.
Girl #2: But that sounds better than making copies. I mean, we only need 12, and I don't want to spend 12 dollars.
Campus library, Bemidji State University
Bemidji, Minnesota
10AM Who's One Beer Short of a Six-Pack
Bartender #1: How many beers are in a six-pack?
Bartender #2: I work with a fucking idiot.
Subiaco
Australia
Overheard by: I'm ordering wine
9AM Receptionists Have a Limited Ability to Extrapolate
Manager: It is important that you put any call through to me today -- my mother-in-law is dying.
Receptionist: Is she okay?
Manager: No, she's dying.
Davey Street
Hobart
Australia
5PM Right Next to Malibu Eva Braun
HR employee: That's not GI Joe... That's Hitler!
National Geographic Offices
Washington, DC
Overheard by: CytoToxicBlade
4PM A Misguided Attempt to Assert Alpha Female Status
Female coworker #1: Are your poops big?
Female coworker #2: Well, I don't exactly examine...
Female coworker #1: Well, compare your big poop to something in real life.
Female coworker #2: This is ridiculous.
Female coworker #1: No, I'm serious.
Female coworker #2: I don't know, an egg?
Female coworker #1: How many eggs?
Female coworker #2: Three, four?
Female coworker #1: Well, my big poop is like the size of a Nalgene water bottle.
Gladstone Avenue & Galena Boulevard
Aurora, Illinois
Overheard by: Just Trying to Eat My Lunch
3PM I Thought That Was Supposed to be Happening in Your Office?
Boss: Jeez Louise, we're just nailing each other over here!
Kansas City, Missouri
2PM And What about Graverobbers? Sometimes They'll Kill You Just to Get Your Jewelry
Girl #1: It's so scary hearing about people dying.
Girl #2: Yeah, totally... You can die from so many things. You can die from death, sickness...
Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: elle
1PM The Demonican Party Is Known for Its Opposition to the Space-Time Continuum
Guy: Are you a Republican?
Girl: No, I am a Demonican.
Guy: You mean Democrat?
Girl: Let's change the subject.
Guy: Okay, well, who did you vote for in the 2004 election?
Girl: Clinton.
Guy: Yeah, let's change the subject.
The Coffee Tree, 223 Watson Boulevard
Warner Robins, Georgia
Overheard by: Jonathan Willis
12PM Could We Talk about Baltimore Again, Please?
White coworker: So, you're from Baltimore, right?
Black coworker: No, everyone thinks all there is to Maryland is Baltimore. I'm actually from a small town called Upper Marlboro, which is closer to D.C.
White coworker: Really? Baltimore is cool. Is where you're from like Baltimore?
Black coworker: Oh, no, it's very different. In fact, people from Baltimore don't like people from P.G. so much. They say we're bourgeois, stuck up, and that we act like white people. But we don't act white, we just have money.
29th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Laughing inside
11AM Even a Dumb Chick Is Right Once Every Thousand Years
Bimbette #1: Like, what's a millennium?
Bimbette #2: I think it's, like, when the year changes or something.
Video store,
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: A Thousand Years of Blondes
10AM Wow, You Must Be the Coolest Cracker in Arizona
Guy: I used to work in an inner city office.
Girl: Really?
Guy: Yeah, I learned lots of words from them. Like 'booyah'. It means 'good.' Like, 'That is booyah!'
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: The Intern
9AM Refuses to Watch Baseball Because of the Flies
Suit: The other way I learned it, from Schoolhouse Rock, is that the alligator is hungry and so wants to bite the larger one.
Woman coworker: Ohhh... I see. That would confuse me, because it's got animals.
919 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: i guess graduating elementary school just was
5PM Could Have Happened to Any of Us
Office girl #1: What's wrong?
Office girl #2, gagging: I was miming committing suicide by glue stick, and I accidentally inhaled.
N Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: The Temp
4PM Maybe You Should Try Singing with Your Mouth
Employee on phone: Church choir practice kicked my ass last night!
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: DB
3PM And Get Some Plastic Surgery
Man: Well, nobody can believe you're single and attractive.
Woman: Maybe I should just buy a wedding ring.
420 Ramona Street
Palo Alto, California
Overheard by: My Good Ear
2PM Can We Say I'm in St. Tropez?
Teen boy: I want you to keep writing for the school newspaper. You can be our foreign correspondent!
Teen girl: Foreign? I'm not foreign just because I left the school.
Teen boy: Yes, you are. You're so far now.
Teen girl: I'm on the other side of Scarborough, and you're saying I might as well be in Bolivia!
Teen boy: We can say you are, if you want.
Ontario Universities' Fair, Metro Toronto Convention Centre
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: made me laugh
1PM One That Can Be Cured by Exorcise
Sorority girl in Spanish class: 'Diabolico...' That means he's diabetic, right?
Classmate: No, it means diabolic.
Sorority girl: So, diabolic... Is that like a medical condition?
Modern Languages building, University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
12PM Why Can't You Be Like Mulan? She Was Asian, but She Could Take a Punch!
Asian coworker to black coworker: Why can't you be like Akeelah in Akeelah and the Bee? She was black, but she could spell!
235 E 42nd Street
New York, New York
11AM No, That Kind Really Sucks
20-something chick #1: Yeah, can I get a ham and cheese sandwich on fellatio bread.
20-something chick #2: Ummm, I think it's called 'focaccia' bread...
Lafayette, Indiana
10AM In the Same Way Cher Is 'Real'
Female editor: Hey, is Plastic Man a real superhero?
Assistant: Yeah. There's been some dispute about his origins, though.
Female editor: Oh, really? But he is real, right?
Assistant: Yeah.
Female editor: Okay, great, thanks.
233 Spring Street,
SoHo, New York
9AM What Was the Question Again?
Coworker #1: What happened to the mailbox?
Coworker #2: What about it?
Coworker #1: It's gone!
Coworker #2: Oh, yeah...
2201 Commerce Drive
Fremont, Ohio
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