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October 2006 Archives
5PM Of Course If We Fire Her, We'll Have the Expense of Training Another Screamer
General manager: Should we fire Missy*? She was screaming at you in front of other employees.
Manager #1: I don't know. What does Missy* feel we should do to her?
General manager: Uh, I didn't ask her.
Manager #2: She thinks we should buy her a pizza and give her a raise. What the fuck do you think she feels we should do to her?
Indianapolis, Indiana
4PM Ain't No Dignity in Being Knocked Up
Guy #1: Hey, you don't look so great.
Guy #2: Yeah, I'm sick, I think I might throw up.
Guy #1: I've thrown up lots of times at work... but I was hung-over.
Downtown, Boston, MA
3PM I, on the Other Hand, Will Be Seeing it for the First Time
Mortgage guy: I've lost 12 lbs. over the last 2 weeks!
Realtor chick: I'm gonna miss your chubby.
Yorba Linda, CA
Overheard by: laughing hysterically
2PM But Only by Going Further in Can We Acquire Cheese
Board member: There has got to be a way out of this place.
175 S. 3d St
Columbus, Ohio
1PM I've Had Problems with Extra-Crispy
Girl: No! It was a regular chicken suit!
University of Missouri-Columbia
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Hop-15
12PM You Have to Keep Your Pinky Extended
Customer: I have not ordered this product.
Service person: But we have a contract that you have signed.
Customer: How do you think it feels if I rape you in your ass every month?
Service person: I'm sorry?
Customer: How do you think it feels if I rape you in your ass every month?
Service person: Would you do it like a gentleman?
Potsdam, Germany
11AM Corporate Suicide Bombers
Employee: No one saw who took my chair? I hope I have crabs.
345 Broadway
New York City
10AM Come to Think of it, it Does Smell Incredibly Fuzzy and Cute in Here
Student: It kinda smells like bunnies.
Supervisor: What?
Student: Yeah, bunnies. Haven't you ever smelled bunnies?
Supervisor: Uh, no, I don't go around sniffing rodents usually. And besides, I'm congested, so all I'm smelling today is boogers.
1145 E. South Campus Drive
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
9AM But Here's One for the Record Books...
Boss: I smell fart.
Male coworker: Yeah, I smell fart.
Female coworker: It smells like fart.
Male coworker: Did you fart?
Boss: Did you fart?
Female coworker: No. I would fart but that one wasn't mine.
8531 Olive Blvd
St Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: The Girl
5PM Here's a Map of Where I Would Go
Girl: But I wouldn't violate you in that way that would offend you, you know what I mean? Like, I just wouldn't go that route.
1 New York Plaza
Overheard by: I would
4PM When Organ Donation Goes Awry
Male store clerk: She's only seven, but she had the breasts of a thirty-year-old.
Kroger Supermarket
Overheard by: AmberRose Smiles
3PM C'mon, I'll Drive You Over to It
Employee: I can take you right to the landscaping section. Let's take the elevator here.
Customer: Boy, you really like to pamper these fat-assed people, huh. You know Texas is one of the fattest states in the nation? Don't you have stairs?
Employee: We have an escalator.
1217 W State Highway 114
Grapevine, Texas
2PM And I Can Start Drinking Overtime
Man, buying lottery ticket in liquor store: If I win this, the old lady can cut back to part time.
725 W. Golf Road
Hoffman Estates, Illinois
Overheard by: I didn't win either
1PM If It's Too Hard to Process, Just Pretend You Didn't Hear It
Avis clerk: I just love your little beanie!
Jewish guy: It's actually called a yarmulke. I'm Jewish, and all Jewish men wear them.
Avis clerk: Oh! Well, you have yourself a merry Christmas!
Charlotte Airport, North Carolina
Overheard by: Renjeau
12PM Well, You'll Have Lots of Time to Practice, Because You're Fired
Supervisor: Did someone order colored pencils from the office supply place?
Assistant: I'm thinking of becoming a caricaturist.
330 Madison Ave
New York City
11AM This Mid-Life Crisis Is Coming Together Nicely
CEO: I hit a garbage truck this morning!
Admin: What?
CEO: I hit a garbage truck this morning! Broadsided it! Never even saw it!
Admin: You didn't see a garbage truck?
CEO: I know! I was doing like 40 miles an hour! And my kid was in the car!
1190 Del Rio Place
Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: Never riding with the boss
10AM Meeting at NewKink Development Corporation
Manager: So, can we finally take his picture off the home page?
Developer: What's the matter? Do you have something against nipples?
Manager: I don't even like the word 'nipples.' 'Butter,' that's another word I don't like.
Developer: You should meet a friend of mine. She doesn't like the word 'goggles'.
Centre St
New York
9AM ...When I Saw the Pile of Wounded Interns in Front of the Door of His Room
Guy: So, I figure that either they tried to give dad a needle somewhere he didn't want it, or something really bad happened.
Broadway
Winnipeg, Canada
Overheard by: Shalamar
5PM How the Echinacea Cocomocha Was Invented
Grunt #1: I need to get some...
Grunt #2: Rum?
Grunt #3: Echinacea?
1 World Financial
New York City
4PM Sure, Just Wad it up so it Fits Through Those Little Holes in the Phone
Customer: Do I have to pay for that over the phone?
Customer service agent: Yes, ma'am.
Customer: Do you take cash?
Glenwood Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: suse
3PM They're Trading Asian Men
Asian coworker: What are you doing?
Caucasian coworker: Assembling the trade booth so we all know how to do it.
Asian coworker: Trade booth?
Caucasian coworker: For conventions, we set this up so people know who we are.
Asian coworker: What are you trading? Can I trade?
Caucasian coworker: Nevermind! Go back to your desk!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
2PM He's Trying to Get Him to Say 'Oriental'
Security guard #1: What do you call those people who aren't Chinese or Japanese or Asian?
Security guard #2: Korean?
State Capitol Building
Santa Fe, New Mexico
Overheard by: doodles
1PM Two Weeks, Even
Girl #1: It doesn't really feel like Friday.
Girl #2: What does it feel like?
Girl #1: I don't know. It feels like a week from Friday.
220 Kroncke Drive
Sun Prairie, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Luke
12PM I've Voted for Them in Every Election Since 1992
Designer: How are you on vaccuum-packed sausage wieners?
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
11AM But One You Must Learn to Relish Here at Festering Fruit International
Supervisor: A warm banana is an acquired taste.
Park Ave
New York City
10AM It's actually a Clever Piece of Performance Art Commenting on the Injustice of the Electric Chair as a Means of Execution
Cop: Put the knife down, you don't want to do this.
Depressed guy: Stay back! I'm serious I'll do it!
Cop: Come on, put the knife down so we can talk.
Depressed guy: Stay back!
Cop, pulling out his Taser: Ok, last chance, put the knife down or I'll Tase you!
Depressd guy: Stop, I don't want to get hurt!
Cromwell, Connecticut
Overheard by: CT Observer
9AM As All Brooklyn Welfare Mothers Know, Nails Are More Important than Parenting
Ghetto woman: I'm only here because I got a gift certificate. I hate Manhattan. I never come here. I can't stand it. Everyone is just so rude. All the time. So rude. I would never be able to keep my mouth shut to some of these people.
Nail technician: Where do you work?
Ghetto woman: Over here, at sixth and 23rd. I hate it though. That's why I live out in the county.
Nail technician: Oh! Where do you live?
Ghetto woman: Brooklyn. Tommy! Sit still in that chair for godsakes!!
14th St & 6th Ave
New York City
Overheard by: seriously?
5PM She'll Regurgitate it into Your Mouth for You, Like a Mother Bird
Customer: Do you have a bottle of coke?
Waitress: No.
Customer: What do you have?
Waitress: Coke.
Corper's Lodge
Okobo, Akwa Ibom, Nigeria
4PM They Keep A Few Wheelchair Seats on Hold in Case Any Celebrity Cripples Show Up
Customer: You mean you don't have any wheelchair seats left for that matinee?
Assistant manager: No ma'am. We have a lot of senior citizen groups that come to matinees and they tend to fill up our wheelchair seats.
Customer: Well, I would say put me and my husband in two regular seats, but he doesn't have any legs!
Husband: It's true, I don't have any legs!
Assistant manager: Ummm, ok. Let me see what I can do for you.
Shenandoah University Theatre ticket office
Winchester, Virginia
Overheard by: Jennifer Ellerbe
3PM Ummm, What Were We Talking About?
Manager: How could you let this happen?
Clerk: I forgot.
Manager: You forgot? How could you forget? It's so hard to forget! It's easy to remember and hard to forget! Remember that! Haven't you ever forgotten something and you tried to remember it? That's how easy it is to remember!
1618 Main St.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Ydnas
2PM I Love the Law: The Smell of the Jury, the Sobbing of the Witness
Lawyer #1: So I finally got myself in front of a jury!
Lawyer #2: Really?
Lawyer #1: Yeah! It was a rape case.
Lawyer #2: That's fantastic! Well, for you anyway.
Allegan St
Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: o rly?
1PM Also, I Hung up That One Corpse
Secretary : The guys who clean my yard never take any off my plants, because I threaten them, I say 'If you touch anything, I'll kill you!' And they never touch anything since then. Because they're Haitians, and you know, Haitians scare easy.
1252 Memorial Drive
Coral Gables, Florida
12PM Dead Men Tells no Tales, Says I
Designer: It's National Talk Like A Pirate Day!
Writer: I know.
Designer: You already knew? And you didn't tell me? I should smack you.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
11AM Sometimes Guys Like a Little Extra Friction
Director, pointing to picture: This sister? Is she older than you?
Employee: No I'm the oldest.
Director: She looks older than you. Both your sisters do.
Employee: That's because they both stopped taking their estrogen. They dried up.
365 W Passaic St,
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cubicle right outside
10AM He's More of a Strap Things on Kind of Guy
Coworker on phone: My husband knows how to strap things down probably like your husband.
Melrose Ave
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: ihear2much
9AM We Hit the Jackpot with Dizzy Does Dallas
Female coworker: All we ended up doing all weekend was watching porn and movies about jazz musicians.
Broad St & Cecil B. Moore Ave
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
5PM It Was His Midterm Exam; He's a Plumbing Sciences Major
College guy #1: Hey, man. You escape?
College guy #2: Yeah man. I took out the toilet and went through the wall.
333 Western Ave
Westfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: someone standing in line just in front of them
4PM Luckily We Had Clear Written Guidance on How to Do That
Suit #1: I am about finished writing up the policy on policies.
Suit #2: Uh huh.
Northwestern University, 2020 Ridge
Evanston, Illinois
3PM But it Just Plays it on TV
Associate director, eating a hamburger: This is really good.
Executive director: Yeah, isn't it? It's their Angus burger. It's like real meat.
Southern Oregon
Overheard by: research associate
2PM Well, I Do Have a Master's in Evacuation
Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
355 North Euclid Avenue
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: oh my
1PM He's Manager for a Reason
Restaurant manager, to hobo panhandling inside the restaurant: You need to leave right now.
Hobo: Man, how you know I not here for some crab cakes and fine wine?
Restaurant manager: Because you have human shit all over your pants.
Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
12PM I Don't Care Who's Going Into Labor, Just Get Me That Keg
20-something guy on phone: Hey! Yeah, whatever. Do you have the keg? No, no listen to... Shut up! Listen to me! Do you have the keg?
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Picadilly Bones
11AM In the UN Intramural League, we're Just 'Dem Bums'
Engineer to lunchroom: So do you guys know if we're officially called 'United States of America' or is it just 'United States'?
413 Pine St
Seattle, Washington
10AM What Can I say, it Gets his Wife hot
Coworker on phone: You'd be an amazing human being if you brought me some nibbles on your way here. If not, then you're clearly the mongoloid I always suspected you to be.
401 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
9AM After Emptying the Register, the Robbers Attempted to Unsuccessfully Masquerade as Employees
Employee: Can I help you?
Customer: Hi. Yes, may I have a turkey artichoke panini?
Employee: No.
Customer: No?
Employee: No. We don't have those.
Customer: But it's right there on your board. Do you mean you ran out of them today?
Employee: Yeah, that's what I said. Order the other turkey sandwich, it's exactly the same.
Customer: Actually I think I'll just have a salad.
Employee: I'll be right back. [Goes in back room.]
Employee: Did you hear what I just said back there?
Customer: Ummm... No.
Employee: Good. I mean, cause it wasn't about you.
Customer: Ok...
Panera Bread Co.
Tysons Corner, Virginia
5PM Especially When it Leaks out the Hole in my Side
Student: Ooooh, grape juice! I love drinking grape juice. It makes me feel like Jesus.
Eastern Kentucky University Dining Commons
Richmond, Kentucky
4PM She Was Breast-Feeding, You Sicko
Coworker on phone: And I like them already, they seem pretty cool. Nothing like starting my day with a cute chick showing me her boob.
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: i wanna see!
3PM The Cops Are Helpless As Long As We Call Them 'Delis'
Guy: I was at this one place last night where I paid an extra $10 to get a tossed salad at 3am. What a great deli.
Wilton, Connecticut
Overheard by: Derek Paruolo
2PM Actually She Details Cars, Professionally
Account manager: So I sent you that new job applicant. Have fun.
Recruiter: I just opened it up. Wow, she completely misspelled 'Delaware State.'
Account manager: Oh, it gets worse.
Recruiter: 'Seven years,' with an '-s!' And she spelled 'with' wrong!
Account manager: Yep, and she's a detail-oriented professional.
Trolley Square
Wilmington, Delaware
Overheard by: Rhymes with Banana
1PM An Irate Number 8 Refused to Fund Future Episodes of Sesame Street
Accounts payable tech: It's the letter eight. I mean the number eight.
6430 S. Fiddler's Green Circle
Denver, Colorado
12PM When You've Had that Many 'Shrooms, who Can be Sure?
BK guy: What did you do this weekend?
BK girl: I went to Ohio for a concert.
BK guy: Ohio? You went all the way over by California for a concert?
BK girl: Ummm... No...
Burger King, Rhode Island
11AM On His Unbirthday, the Mad Hatter's Staff Tried Hard to Please him
Warehouse manager: Anyone seen Joe*?
Office manager: I don't know where he is. He sent me an email at 2:03, so he's at a computer somewhere.
Sales guy: I haven't seen him in a while.
Office manager: I bet he went home and he's sending these emails from the web-mail!
Assistant: No, I went out to the warehouse not long ago and passed him on my way out there. He didn't look very happy though.
Sales guy: Why don't you bake him a birthday cake?
Assistant: But it's not his birthday!
Sales guy: It doesn't matter. Birthday cakes make everyone feel better.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM She'll Hook It Up to Her Comptroller and Moniker
Receptionist: She's not here, would you like to leave her a note?
Client: I'll just send her an email, does she have a blueberry?
Stanford, CA
9AM Why Nigerian Emails Work
Coworker viewing a Myspace page: Jeff Buckley's online! He's dead, how is he doing this?
Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
5PM There Are no Stupid Questions...Oh, Wait
Interviewer: Just fill out this application and wait to be called for the interview.
Interviewee: Does it matter if I got a crack possession against me?
420 Harding
Tennessee
4PM If They Ever Get out of the Burn Unit
Guy: Why can't you just have the party at your place?
Girl: 'Cuz I lost my damage deposit after that one time when that guy caught himself on fire.
Guy: A guy caught himself on fire and you lost your deposit?
Girl: Well, he dropped and rolled on the carpet. Then someone tried to put out the embers with rum, so the carpet caught fire too.
Guy: ....
Girl: Yeah, no more parties at my place cuz I have stupid friends who totally owe me $500 now.
Eastlake
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Nosey
3PM What They Use to Mix Cocktails in the 'Hood
Foreign coworker: What is a 'jigga'?
Male coworker: I don't know, I'm Turkish.
Female coworker: I don't know, I'm White.
44th Street and 5th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Once You Hear the Phrase 'Tore My Ass Muscle,' the Worst Is Almost Certainly Over
Female employee: Are you limping?
Male employee: Yeah, I tore my ass muscle again.
Female admin: Just stop right there, I don't want to hear anymore.
84 Newbury Street
Peabody, Massachusetts
1PM The Truth Is Just too Explosive
Female coworker #1: I just don't know what to tell my kid.
Female coworker #2: What about?
Female coworker #1: Well, my six-year-old wants to know what's the difference between a lamb and a sheep.
Female coworker #2: Oh, that's tough. What are you going to tell her?
Female coworker #1: I dunno, probably that they are just similar species.
South Research Place
Central Islip, New York
12PM You Should Hear her Go off on People Who Say 'Between you and I'
Employee #1: Jane says that she feels nauseous. I think she's going home.
Employee #2: Well Jane should take a course in English vocabulary, because if she feels nausea, then she feels 'nauseated,' not nauseous. To be nauseous is to be disgusting or foul.
Employee #1: You're kinda a bitch.
Hadley Road
South Plainfield, New Jersey
Overheard by: Quitting soon
11AM Or Whatever It's Called When you Drink too Much and Fall Asleep
Coworker: I swear, I keep falling asleep at my desk...I think I have epilepsy.
7945 Haven Ave
Rancho Cucamonga, California
10AM 'Fuck You' Was More of a Request Than an Expletive
Manager: Can you gather up the other guys? We have to move a bunch of stuff.
Employee: Fuck you.
Manager: What did you just say to me?
Employee: Fuck you, asshole.
Manager: Are you nuts?
Employee: Fuck you, bitch.
Manager: You're fired. Get out of here.
Employee: I wasn't clocked in. You can't fire me.
Manager walks to computer, clocks him in, says, 'You're fired,' and then clocks him out.
Employee: That's so unfair.
Circle Centre Mall
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM First They Came for the Trans-Fats and I Didn't Speak up
Writer: 'Portly' sounds cute. Sounds like a nice, bald, fat man in a three-piece suit.
Designer: 'Portly' sounds like someone with grease stains on their shirt from dropping a piece of chicken.
Writer: That's not 'portly!' That's obese!
Designer: What's the difference?
Writer: Obese is like those Subway ads before Jared lost his weight. When he was all wild-eyed and savage. Clothes all stretched out, nothing laundered, brimming with Big Macs and Crisco sandwhiches.
Designer: They should outlaw Crisco. Just straight out make it a crime.
Writer: Yeah.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
5PM At the Urban Legend Semifinals
Assistant #1: Did you know that one of the ingredients in gum is coyote urine?
Assistant #2: Did you know that there's something in cat urine that causes schizophrenia?
Buckhead Loop
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM Oh, Who Am I Kidding? We Are Absolutely Going Back There
Coworker: Well, then we've got something to do next week. But we're not going back to that place. It was nasty. My van smells like a hooker died in it.
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
3PM Now Make him Define Irony!
Brother: Is he dead?
Brother's friend's brother: I think he's asleep.
Brother: Hey, you awake?
Brother's friend's brother: Hey! Say something.
Brother's friend: Make me.
Mishawaka, Indiana
Overheard by:
2PM He Showed up When She Ordered a Half-Italian on White
Waitress: My boyfriend is half Italian but he is mostly white.
Cucamonga, California
Overheard by: halfbreed
1PM But I'm the Janitor!
Account biller #1: Let me ask you something, what am I supposed to do with those claims the boss just gave me?
Account biller #2: Your job, perhaps?
Memphis, Tennessee
Overheard by: Cala
12PM And who do you Mean When you Say 'You'?
Coworker #1: Did you work here in 1993?
Coworker #2: 'Here' in what sense?
1110 West Washington Street
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: next cube over
11AM Another Victim of the 'Math Is Hard' Barbie
Barista: What are you going to do when you grow up?
Little girl: Doctor.
Barista: You want to be a doctor? That's wonderful!
Little girl: No. Mommy told me to marry doctor and have kids. I want 27!
Ft Valley Road
Flagstaff, Arizona
10AM I'm Gonna Say Courtney Love, But That's Just a Shot in the Dark
Girl caller: Hi, I want to report a woman lying facedown in the road.
Police receptionist: What does she look like?
Rosemead, California
9AM But not While Practicing; We've Had Very Mixed Results with That
Account manager on phone: How can she be a virgin? She's a doctor! Would you want your doctor to be a virgin? I think by law, you should have to have sex before you are able to practice medicine.
171 Nepean
Ottawa, Ontario
Overheard by: Smithout
5PM That Reminds me, I have to go let Mom out of the Stocks
Hick coworker #1: There was nuthin' wrong with slavery. My family had slaves. They was like family.
Hick coworker #2: I know, I agree. My family's slaves didn't leave after emaciation because they were happy. We treated them like family.
Athens, Georgia
Overheard by: Happy I moved to a blue state
4PM I Nodded Off During the Part About the Rain Forests
Gay drama teacher: We're going to McDonald's, did you want us to pick something up for you?
Hippie guitar teacher: No, I don't eat there.
Gay drama teacher: Why, because of the movie Supersize Me?
Hippie guitar teacher: No, I stopped eating there ever since they started cutting down the rain forests to make room for more cow pastures for their meat.
Gay drama teacher: So... then, you don't want McDonalds?
1311 E Katella Ave
Orange, California
3PM Pssst. Humans Are in Heat all the Time
Male coworker: It says I have to create a 'heat ticket.' Where is that?
Female coworker: Just open a general service ticket. I haven't had to go into heat to get that done.
50 Beele
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: JuJuBe
2PM Jobs: Aha! We'll Start Attaching a kid to the 50GB Models. They'll Sell Like Hotcakes
IT woman #1: How do you work this thing?
IT guy #1: What is it? An iPod?
IT woman #1: Yeah, I'm trying to restart it but I don't know how.
IT guy #3: Ctrl, alt, delete!
IT woman #1: Don't any of you have iPods to help me out?
IT guy #2: I'll call my kids.
Maersk Offices
Algate, London
1PM He Gets Smarter When He Drinks
Frat boy: Gimme something like a whiskey sour but dont put Jack Daniels or anything like that in it. I dont like whiskey!
Bartender: Well what you want in it instead of whiskey?
Frat boy: Use Jim Beam, I fucking love Jim Beam!
Evolution Nightclub
Athens, Ohio
Overheard by: Melvin
12PM Sometimes He'd Euphorically Do Body-Shots Off of me and Ned From Accounting
Female coworker: I'm so tired of being alone but it's impossible to meet any available men here. I should have taken John* up on his offer.
Male coworker: Who?
Female coworker: You know, John Smith*. The guy who was here about eight years ago and got booted, then came back a few years later, then got booted again a couple of years ago.
Male coworker: Oh he's been booted more times than that! What are you talking about?
Female coworker: Didn't I tell you? He came back last fall trying to get reinstated and stopped by to see me. He said he'd been thinking about me. He wanted to know if I was interested in getting together but I didn't want to get into that so I lied and said I was seeing someone. Now I wonder why I did that.
Male coworker: Maybe because he's a bipolar bisexual alcoholic?
Female coworker: There is that...But I bet he wouldn't have bored me.
Small town, Washington
Overheard by: i'm lonely too - but not that lonely
11AM Needless to Say, the White one is Whole Foods
Classmate #1: I'm gonna shave your head and sell your hair on the black market!
Classmate #2: Why would black people want his hair?
Classmate #3, after laughter subsides: Where is the black market, anyway?
Mt. Vernon High School
Mt. Vernon, Texas
10AM 'Yiddish' Is Jew-Speak for 'Fuck You, Jesus Boy'
WASP: I know what that says! It's written in Jewish!
Bagel wench: Yiddish?
WASP: Are you Jewish?
Noah's Bagels, Manhattan Beach Boulevard
Manhattan Beach, California
Overheard by: just wants to make bagels in peace
9AM Exactly What We Need to Jump Start Our Marketing Campaign
Marketing Director: There's one student there I'd love to get a photo of. She's drop dead gorgeous and hardly ever wears clothes.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, AZ
5PM What He Learned at Harvard Business School
Branch manager: Wiggy wiggy wiggy wuzza wuzza wiggy. Wiggy!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM It Was an Attempted Coop d'État
Girl #1, walking past: There was a ruckus in the office but we sorted it out.
Girl #2: It's funny, whenever I think of the word ruckus I think of, like, chickens.
Girl #3: Oh my god, there were chickens in the office?
University Drive
Gold Coast, Australia
Overheard by: Jess
3PM Ummm... It Shows Respect to the President
Manager: My new BM is awesome!
Subordinate: You mean BMW; the W is important.
Manager: Why?
Raynham, Massachusetts
2PM One EggBeater Experience is Enough
Employee #1: Ok, I'm taking breakfast orders for the meeting, what do you guys want?
Employee #2: Ummm, I'll have the western omelette.
Employee #1: Ok.
Employee #2: Oh, wait...are there eggs in that?
Employee #1: Uh, yeah!
Employee #2: Okay then!
Falls Church, Virginia
Overheard by: You've got to be kidding
1PM You, for Example, Should Forget It
Salesguy #1: ...so she totally doesn't mind sexual harassment.
Salesguy #2: Really?
Salesguy #1: Well, she does and she doesn't. It depends on who's doing it.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
12PM She Must Be Lonely Among Her Kind
Supervisor to employee: I'm sorry. I don't speak retard.
588 N. Gulph Gulph Road
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Poor Guy
11AM It's OK, It's Just Their Little Code for 'So I Can Brand You With Hot Tongs'
Manager to waiter: What are you doing up here? Go in the fucking kitchen so I can fucking beat your ass.
Italian Restaurant
Olney, Maryland
10AM Things Don't Always Go Smoothly at Karl Rove's House
Customer support rep: Okay, let's take a look at the installation instructions.
Customer: You mean that little book? That looked like documentation so I threw it away.
Fairfax, Virginia
9AM Actually, That's What Happened to My Ankles
Sales guy: How can you sit like that? It's disgusting.
Information specialist: I have weak ankles. I'm sorry I disgust you.
Sales guy: You don't disgust me, just the way you sit. Besides, you're always making fun of my women.
Information specialist: Say, do you have one of those auto-lifts in your bedroom?
Sales guy: I see what you're saying. Because I like big women.
Information specialist: I mean, in case you get pinned or something.
Sales guy: Funny thing is, I know how to maneuver one of those, from a previous job.
Information specialist: I'll take that as a yes.
Washington DC
5PM He Whizzed Through Med School
Doctor: Who is that?
Assistant: It's Dr. Smith, he wants to know if you are going to the meeting.
Doctor: What, I can't go to the bathroom first? Tell 'em I'm peeing.
York Ave
New York, New York
Overheard by: the other assistant
4PM The Mistake Is Trying to Find Celebrities to Respect
Receptionist #1: Do you know who Jessica Simpson is dating?
Receptionist #2: No, I don't care. ... Who?
Receptionist #1: I read it in People so you know it's true. You're going to be so pissed.
Receptionist #2: Ok, who?
Receptionist #1: John Mayer!
Receptionist #2: Whaaaaaat?
Receptionist #1: I know, right?
Receptionist #2: Dude. What is with every celebrity guy I ever respected letting me down lately? First Jared Leto looking like a labia at the VMAs, now this?
Receptionist #1: At least it's not Dane Cook.
Receptionist #2: I know. At least he's preserved.
Receptionist #1: At least he wasn't tainted by her taint.
Taunton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: kerily
3PM Boss Rule #2: Anything I Don't Know How to Do Must Be Easy
Boss: I don't see it as a big thing, I see it as a thing.
Woodbury, Minnesota
Overheard by: I can't believe I report to this guy
2PM You know, I Think I'll Stay Here After All
Guy behind counter on cell: So I'll be there soon....What's that sound?....Oh, yeah! I thought I heard a tornado in the background!
Hall's Archery Range
Manchester, England
1PM Martina Navratilova inadvertently reveals the secret of her success
Girl: Yeah, so I have to go buy this see-through tank top and a see-through skirt for tennis. It's so stupid. And I will have to wear another tank top underneath my see-through tank top and some shorts to cover up my balls--I mean... [laughs really hard]
Career Center
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: not-so-smart asian.
12PM It's the Fifty-First!
Clerk: Ma'am I can't take this money.
Lady: Why not? It's good American money.
Clerk: Ma'am this money is from Canada.
Lady: Is Canada not the 50th state of the U.S. or are you stupid or something?
Clerk: I'm not the one that's stupid.
13697 W. Colonial Drive
Winter Garden, Florida
11AM Pregnancy: Like a Tapeworm, but With a Baby at the End of it All
Coworker: I wish I was pregnant. You can eat as much as you want and nobody says anything.
Dakota Street
Sioux Falls, South Dakota
10AM Viagra?
CSR waving papers around: How do you get the thingy to do the stuff?
323 E Grand River
Howell Michigan
Overheard by: Pam Beasley
9AM The Team That Smells Together Jells Together?
Senior research analyst in the elevator: Someone's all cologned up in here.
Team leader: I think most of us are. We're a good smelling team.
4833 Rugby Avenue
Bethesda, Maryland
5PM May I Suggest Decaf, Sir?
Suit: Why do we have Swiss Miss and Nesquik?
Warehouse guy: Ummm, they're not the same thing.
Suit: How so? They both make hot chocolate!
Warehouse guy: Well, maybe cause Swiss Miss goes in milk and water?
Suit: So why don't we just keep this around? It's a multi-tasking hot chocolate!
Warehouse guy: Huh? Ummm, well, maybe people like the way Nesquik 'multi-tasks.' It can be put in cold or hot milk. Good for the summer.
Suit: And this can't?
Warehouse guy: Dunno. Don't think so...
Suit: Forget it! I'll have coffee!
The Boulevard
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: CoffeeJunky
4PM Rainman: Hey!
Angry cop: Fucking college kids make me sick. It's disgusting. You're the smartest most retarded people in the world!
Easton Avenue
New Brunswick, New Jersey
3PM The Bar For Being Old School Keeps Being Lowered
Coworker #1: You have an AOL email address?
Coworker #2: I know...So old-school.
623 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Why Kiwi Teachers Smell
Teacher #1: I think I should just become a hooker.
Teacher #2: Yeah, but think of the all the washing you would have to do.
New Zealand
1PM He Does Love His Wife's Butt
Branch manager on phone: Hello? Ok, put him through. Hey, Matt*! Hold on, let me shut my office door... Yeah... Yeah... I do love my wife...
Cubicle chick: Did he just say what I think he said? 'I do love my wife'?
Sales guy: Yes, but I think you missed a part. He said 'I do love my wife, but...'
Cubicle chick: It's gonna be a goood day!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM So Just Have the Spaghetti
Employee: Rat balls are nasty!
Raytheon
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: taaj
11AM NewsFlash: Student Expelled for Refusing to 'Dumb Down' Answers
Teacher: Scott*, can you give the next answer?
Student: Religion is the belief in a supernatural and the relationship with this being.
Teacher: Could you please speak normally next time?
Student: I am.
All Saints High School
Whitby, Ontario
10AM Luckily the Doublemint Twins Were There to Handle Any Gum Questions that Might Arise
Man: So what's that building over there?
Tour guide: That's the Wrigley Building.
Man: So what does Wrigley do?
Tour guide: They make gum.
Man: Gum? Really? What kind of gum?
Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Might Have Swallowed the Spring, the Way the Conversation's Bouncing Around
Coworker #1: Well one time, I was eating here, and I found a piece of metal in my mouth! You know, a long thin piece. But bunched up. I chewed on it and it like exploded in my mouth. In my mouth! Can you believe it? It was all twisted or something. Coiled. Oh yeah. It was a spring! A spring! Anyway, I chewed on it and it like boinged in my mouth. Wait, wait, wait. Can you believe it? Boing, boing, boing! So I spit it out and look at it and think, 'What the hell is this and what is it doing in my food?' But really, can you believe it? Boinging all over the place!
Coworker #2: Ok. Enough already. You're making me sick. It's like having lunch with Roseanne Roseannadanna. Next you'll be telling me about the time you found a toenail in your cheeseburger.
Coworker #1: Oh yeah. Wouldn't that be great? Lunch with Roseanne. But she's dead, you know. Cancer.
Coworker #2: Gilda Radner died of cancer.
Coworker #1: Who? Why are you always changing the subject?
Coworker #2: I'm eating at my desk.
1500 University Avenue
Madison University Hospital & Clinics Cafeteria
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Just lost my appetite
5PM Probably Far Enough
Guy: I put on the tutu and that was as far as I got.
4900 Tiedmann,
Brooklyn, Ohio
Overheard by: marko
4PM I'll Eat What I Can and Take the Rest Home for Breakfast
Guy on the phone: Yeah, so I'll just eat a light dinner and when we get there we can share a cowboy... Oh yeah, that sounds much better!
Tucson, AZ
3PM Monica Lewinsky: Worked for Me!
Interview consultant: Always be aware of what you are saying during an interview. I have seen interviews fall apart over a single word.
Student: Like what word?
Interview consultant: The word was fuck.
4801 Mass. Ave NW, Washington DC, American University, Washington College of Law
Washington, DC
2PM She's Already Seen His Briefs
Lawyer: Hey, here's something that might interest you!
Secretary: I doubt it.
3415 South Sepulveda Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: i love this place
1PM All I Want Is a Hand-Turkey for Thanksgiving. What Do I Get? Two Lousy Short Stories about Pilgrims!
Manager #1: My kids SUCK at arts and crafts.
Manager #2: No glitter? No glue? No macaroni or popsicle sticks?
Manager #1: Holy shit, no. They are the epitome of suck.
West Irving Park Road
Roselle, Illinois
12PM Why I Started Eating Lunch in My Car
Employee #1: What the fuck. This sandwich is impossible.
Employee #2: It looks like a big, gaping vagina.
Employee #1: It's like eating out a big vagina. Look! Chunks are falling off!
Employee #2: Your sandwich has an STD! Like hooker poon.
Employee #3, holding identical sandwich missing a single bite: Well, looks like I'm done. If anyone wants my dirty vagina sandwich you're welcome to it. Thanks for the lunch convo.
Worcester, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Kathryn
11AM Eva Braun Waxes Rhapsodic
Co-worker: If I killed someone, he would totally lie to the police for me. Either he would be my alibi or he would lie and say he did it so I could be free.
225 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Am I Next
10AM Better Hope English Doesn't Become the Official Language of the U.S.
Dumbest: He said he had a stomach ache so I gave him some Aflac--you know, rolodex?
Less Dumb: Antacids? Rolaids?
7th and Congress
Austin, Texas
9AM A Recent Graduate of Turnip Truck University
Employee: I'd like to work the booth. I could be good at that. I'd like to travel, and go to trade shows.
Manager: You'd have to educate yourself so you can speak to clients about what we do here. You'd also have to work some weekends.
Employee: Do I get paid?
Manager: You get travel for free - meals, hotel, airfare.
Employee: Wow.
Manager: And of course your regular paycheck.
Employee: Is this scheme widely known in the company??
Rochelle Park
New Jersey
5PM All that Remains Since We Can No Longer Surf for Porn on the Job
Employee to boss: Hey I know it's the end of the day on Friday, but I'm really bored, do you have anything for me to do?
Boss: Oh! Here have some bubblewrap!
137 4th Ave
Edmonton Alabama
4PM His Sensitivity Might Be Better Appreciated at Country Curtains
Guy to his wife: Hey... look at this guy's picture on the wall. He looks like he is miserable and doesn't like being at work.
Home Depot Employee whose picture is on the wall: That was taken on a bad hair day!
Man: Oh... sorry. Where would you find paint?
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Home Depot Shopper
3PM Do You Think You'll Be Happy Working for a Non-Prophet Organization?
Boss: So you're Muslim, right?
New employee: Yup.
Boss: So you're from the country of Islam?
New employee: No. Not quite.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: feel sorry for her...
2PM What Happens When You Think About Things that Don't Bear Thinking About
IT guy: Oh, good I'm back to the top of your favorite people list.
Sales assistant: What? William* the hot A/C guy got bumped down?
IT guy: William's gone; he's off the list.
Sales guy: Isn't William a gerbil?
Sales assistant: That's my gerbil! We're talking about the A/C guy now.
Sales guy: Ask Peter* about gerbil; he likes 'em.
IT guy: Ed breeds the gerbils.
Sales guy: I breed them just for you. Hairless, clawless gerbils.
Peter: Edsgerbils.com!
Sales guy: You don't want one with claws..
Peter: Go to Edsgerbils.com to get your hairless gerbils.
Sales guy: Don't forget clawless... you don't want one with claws.
Office Manager: Stop with the gerbils.
Sales guy, to himself: No... don't want one with claws....
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM So Anyway, Whatever Problem You're Having Is Your Fault. Questions?
Techie, answering phone: Hello, this is Brenda*...No, I wasn't just speaking to someone on the phone... I'm positive; I work in IT so I rarely talk to anyone.
100 Sylvan Road
Woburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: June Bug
12PM He's Got a Lot of Pull, Though
Co-worker: Oh, you know how he is... Yeah, that's a great word to describe him: wanker.
Madison, Connecticut
11AM She Took a Really Big Pas de Deux
Employee: The ballerina broke the toilet.
1228 Egypt Road
Oaks, Pennsylvania
10AM She Used to Be Rather Restrained
Newlywed coworker: I am all about leather.
33 New Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
9AM Probably Wouldn't Share Her Toothbrush, Either
Bar skank: And she got all pissy at me because I wouldn't share my sex toys with her.
1760 Camino Del Río North
San Diego, California
Overheard by: not sharing mine either
5PM Sure. And "Prosaic" Means a Mosaic Made of Prose.
Bookstore clerk: Prose? I thought that was a kind of poetry.
Bookstore, Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
4PM When the Men of the Firm Proved Incapable of Satisfying Her, Stephanie Turned to the Animal Kingdom
Office manager: What is this book on my desk? Who left this here? Kiss of the Wolf?
Sales guy: I have no idea, do you want to speculate here?
Office manager: Didn't this use to be in the girl's bathroom?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM Which Means I Don't Understand the Question
Mortgage rep: And, finally, may I ask you what race you are? Caucasian, African-American...
Customer: I'm Canadian.
Fairfield County, Connecticut
2PM Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, Hello 8 Mile
Guy reading the paper: Elton John is going to try hip hop.
Young co-worker: That's weird.
Gay co-worker: Who's Elton John?
5500 Rings Road
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: amazed he didn't know
1PM Otherwise, We Can Only Give You This Hillary Mask and Wish You Godspeed
Employer walking into the office: President Clinton is downstairs on Wacker Drive, but I think you girls will be safe if you just stay inside.
150 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
12PM What Happens When You Use Google China
Office manager: Civil War Battlefield Protection, how can I help you?
Woman on phone: Yes, I'm trying to find information on the Civil War and I just can't.
Office manager: Well, have you tried the internet?
Woman: Yes, I typed "Civil War" into Google and NOTHING comes up on the Civil War.
Office manager: ...Really?
Woman: Yes... so can you tell me who was in the Civil War?
Office manager: That would be the northern states and the southern states.
Woman: Not the British?
Office manager: Um, that was the Revolutionary War.
13th Street & H Street
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Astonished
11AM A Deal They Were Willing to Swallow
Salesman: They like us. We have a good taste in their mouth.
Bay Street
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
10AM And I Wouldn't Mind Getting You Between the Worksheets
Assistant: Hey, could you help me with a price on a part?
Sales guy: Yeah, just give me a minute to finish what I'm doing... Hey, I'll help you with your pricing thing if you come over here and help me with my spreadsheet.
Assistant: Deal. [Walks to next cubicle] My, you have a lot of toolbars...
Sales guy: I'm special.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM This Woman Also Finds "The Family Circus" Funny
Co-Worker: I spilled my milk this morning and my husband was like, "Don't cry over spilled milk." He's always saying funny things like that.
Carmel, Indiana
5PM Sorry, I Don't Bi That
Control room guy: I'm sorry, but if you get a hard-on from another guy, YOU'RE GAY. You can't just say you were just acting. DeNiro couldn't even act that well.
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
4PM I Still Prefer It to "Fuck You!"
Off-duty employee: Don't you just hate when you're working and you say, "Have a nice day" and you don't mean it, and the person knows you don't mean it, but you have to say it anyway?
Cashier: Yeah, totally.
Cashier to customer: Thanks! Have a nice day!
Big-Box Store
Harrisonburg, Virginia
3PM Bill Clinton Was a Better President Than He Is a Campaign Manager
Boss: We never decided to postpone this issue. We just agreed that we would deal with other issues first.
Brouwersvliet, Antwerp, Belgium
2PM Well, Yes, But Only on an Evolutionary Time Scale
Young white girl: You need to wear sunscreen. My mommy told me that skin gets dark if you don't wear sunscreen.
Young black girl: I was BORN dark.
Young black boy: Me, too.
Young white girl: Really?
Young black boy: I wear sunscreen, too.
Young white girl: You were born that way? So it's not the sun? Really?
Preschool
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Amused Pre-K teacher
1PM The Internet Has Somewhat Dampened Joshua's Sense of Wonder
Dude: What I really wanna see is a baby shot out of a cannon through a waterfall of gasoline, over a bundle of lit sparklers, and knock an old lady off a horse, 'cause then I could say I really saw something. [notices cleaning lady] Oh, shit.
Dearborn, Michigan
Overheard by: dude thats fucked up
12PM From the Runaway Best Seller 'Affirmations for Stupid People'
Manager, to himself: I am a ball of fire. I am a BALL OF FIRE.
Far reaches of Eugene, Oregon
11AM Of Course Because I Didn't Solicit It, He May Never Provide It
Manager: Sounds good. I asked Roger* for his unsolicited feedback on this, so that will be helpful.
42 South Street
Hopkinton, Massachusetts
10AM Jack Spratt for the Twenty-First Century
Intern: I've never had butt sex. I'm saving it for marriage. Since I'm not a virgin anymore, I have to save something for my husband.
Friend: You're so dumb. You should have done what I did. I ONLY have butt sex, so I'm still a virgin.
Pour House Bar, Capital Hill
Washington, District of Columbia
9AM The Only Way to Eat a Meatball Sub Without Getting Any on Your Necktie
Art director: I do it over the toilet bowl, and when I'm done, it looks like there's a dead animal in there.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
5PM No, But I Can Claim Sexual Harassment For Your Use of the Phrase 'Rock-Hard Nipples'
Creative director: It's so cold in here, my rock-hard nipples are chafing on my shirt. Can I claim workman's comp for that?
Radio station
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: it really is cold in here
4PM You Know That Rumor That Iron Filings Are Better Than Cocaine?
Man on cell: What made you stick a magnet up your nose?
5th & Jackson Streets
Topeka, Kansas
3PM Eventually, Sure
Manager #1: So did you have a nice birthday party?
Manager #2: Not yet. My older brother's birthday is two weeks after mine, so we always just have one big party that weekend.
Manager #1: Oh, wait, wouldn't that make you the older brother?
Panera, 3043 Glendale Avenue
Toledo, Ohio
2PM This Is Your Brain on Market Research
Advertising executive: Here are my recommendations: A. Can we simplify this? B. Consumers are stupid.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: writer and consumer
1PM The Concept of 'Caring' Was Not Covered at MIT -- Please Explain
Engineer #1: So how's it going?
Engineer #2: Crazy. Completely crazy. Why'd you ask?
Engineer #1: Because I care, dumbass.
500 Howard Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: really touched
12PM Mainstreaming Dung-Beetle-Americans in the Public Schools May Have Been a Mistake
Teacher #1: I can't teach this kid anymore.
Teacher #2: Why?
Teacher #1: He can't keep his hands out of his pants.
Teacher #2: So?
Teacher #1: Look, do I have to spell it out? He doesn't know the difference between shit and food.
Teacher #2: Oh my god, I'm gonna barf.
Teacher #1: Not around this kid. He might thinks it's a snack.
3035 Desert Marigold Lane
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: don't want to eat the food
11AM When Yuppies Claim Workman's Comp
Manager, preparing staff party: Oh my God, look! I cut so much cheese I got a blister!
City Centre Building
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: evil twin
10AM The Last Event He Remembers Clearly Is V-J Day
Old man: Excuse me.
CD store employee: Yes.
Old man: Where do you keep your Negro music?
CD store employee: What?
Old man: Your Negro music!
Grandson: He means rap music.
CD store employee: Oh, over there.
1st Avenue North
Seattle, Washington
9AM In Fairness, He Was Cross-Dressing at the Time
Construction worker #1: So you know how I knew you were gay?
Construction worker #2: WHAT?
Construction worker #1: It's cool, dude. But know how I knew?
Construction worker #2: [shakes head]
Construction worker #1: When you started making out with me at happy hour last week.
Construction worker #2: Oh. Oh, yeah.
1670 Broadway
Denver, Colorado
5PM Do You Think Our Product Caused Him to Explode?
Executive: So I ended up with the meth head's blood all over my face.
8081 Wallace Road
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM Performance Review: Fails to Extrapolate
Employee #1: So did you know that any time you reserve a conference room, you have to also make a separate reservation for the media equipment?
Employee #2: Yeah, you always have to make a separate reservation for the equipment.
Employee #1: So when I reserved the conference room, why didn't you tell me I needed to make a separate reservation for the equipment?
Employee #2: Well, you asked if they had it. You didn't say you needed to USE it.
Santa Barbara, California
3PM I Just Hate Being Held Accountable for My Actions
CSR: Thanks for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Client on phone: Yeah, I was just talking to Roger* and we lost connection. Maybe you can finish walking me through whatever.
CSR: Sir, we do not have a Roger. You were just talking to me. We didn't lose connection. You hung up on me and I was walking you through understanding that our software does not do "whatever."
Eighth Floor, Galleria
Hoover, Alabama
2PM Either Way, Really
Plumber: What do I have to do to install gas lines?
Admin: You have to take our class and enroll in a drug and alcohol testing program.
Plumber: You mean I gotta be on drugs to install gas lines?
Admin: No, sir, you have to NOT be on drugs.
Plumber: Oh, OK. I can do that.
5461 Southwyck Boulevard
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: Emily
1PM The Best Diagnosis Canada's Health Services Have Been Able to Come Up With
Student #1: Do you have a learning disability or something?
Student #2: Yeah. I'm ADD.
Student #1: Oh.
Student #2: Just kidding! I'm just stupid.
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada
Overheard by: Going to class
12PM At the Johnny Carcinoma Show
Boss: So did you work things out?
Intern: Yeah, I talked to him when I dropped the tumor off.
Martin Street
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: sleeping with my eyes open
11AM So Act Like a Robot That Acts Like a Human Being
Woman on phone: Could you please just act like a human being?... Oh, right, I forgot. You're a Transformer.
42nd Street
New York, New York
10AM Snakes in a Colon
Suit #1: So she said the snake got loose in her apartment and they can't find it.
Suit #2: Well, until they do, she's gonna have to sleep with her ass up aganst the wall!
32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
9AM It's Funny, Though -- There's This One Where Everyone Has a Four-Year Sentence
Intern chick: Where's Ithaca?
Bronx boy: It's upstate.
Intern chick: Upstate?
Bronx boy: Way upstate.
Intern chick: So where are we?
Bronx boy: We're southern. The very southern tip of New York.
Intern chick: OK, how far north is it?
Bronx boy: Really far north... it's near prisons, if you really want to know the truth.
125th Street & Lenox Avenue
New York, New York
5PM Oh, This Won't Look Good at All in Court
Coworker: I was settling in for a little infidelity, and instead I got rape! But it was good.
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
4PM Shopping at Tautology
Girl: Excuse me, do you carry tonic water?
Stock boy: Yeah, I think so. I mean, if we have it, it's probably somewhere in the store.
Girl: Uh, thanks.
Schnooks
Memphis, Tennessee
3PM Just Take It! What's He Going to Do, Tell You You're Shoplifting?
Customer: I'm looking for one of those things where I can plug it into my TV's video and plug like four video game systems into it and push a button to switch between them.
Employee: Yeah, I don't think we sell those.
Customer, picking up item: I'm looking for this.
Employee: Oh, we don't sell those.
Customer: You... don't... sell these?
Employee: No.
Customer: You're sure?
Employee: Yeah, we definitely don't sell those.
Customer: You don't sell these? This thing that I picked up off your rack with a price tag on it?
Employee: No. Circuit City might carry them, though.
Best Buy
Astoria, New York
2PM If a New Jersey Resident Falls in His Kitchen, And No One Is Around to See It, Is It Still Funny?
Employee #1: Well, you should move to New Jersey. There are great apartments in my complex.
Employee #2: I don't know that I want to move out there.
Employee #1: The apartments are great, lots of closet space, granite countertops in the kitchen.
Employee #2: I don't want granite counters. If I fall and hit my head on them, it would hurt.
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
1PM But the Pashmina Goats Are Fine with You Taking That Stuff, Because No Woman Wants a Beard
Employee #1: Yeah, so PETA has helped me understand the cruelty animals are subjected to by humans.
Employee #2: I've seen some of the videos. Heinous.
Employee #1: Like that shirt you're wearing, it's made of cotton, right? You shouldn't be wearing it.
Employee #2: Huh? Why not?
Employee #1: It really hurts the sheep when they are shorn.
Bed Bath & Beyond
Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Debauched Angel
12PM Either That or a Pair of Pants
Maintenance tech #1: Animal Control is on the way to remove the dead skunk carcass. I'll let you know when they get here.
Maintenance tech #2: Uh, go ahead and call them back and tell them not to come. We checked it out and it's a used banana peel.
Maintenance tech #1: Ten-four.
6400 Legacy Drive
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Shaking Head
11AM Why Don't You Give It to Me Now So I Can Call You Later and Get It from You
Suit #1: Why didn't you call me?
Suit #2: I didn't have your number.
Suit #1: If you called me I could have given it to you.
32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
10AM But I'm Watching You, Pal
Security guard: Um, we have a problem here.
Traveler: And what might that be?
Security guard: Do you have any other form of identification? Your driver's license is expired.
Traveler: No, it's not... this is 2006.
Security guard: You may pass.
General Mitchell Airport
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Feeling Secure
9AM Which Was Named After the McDonald's Clown and That Suicide Girl
Employee #1: So how do we go about naming our aircraft?
Employee #2: Well, the Reserve has a plane named The Spirit of Ronald Reagan.
Employee #1: Who is that named after?
Boss: It's named after the airport, I think.
The Pentagon
Arlington, Virginia
5PM They Really Improve the Reception on the Beamed Instructions from the Spider Aliens from Dimension X
Secretary: You know, those wireless headsets have been a boon for the homeless.
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: mmhmmm
4PM It's Where the Porn Stars Go
Manager: Yeah, so at this new salon I can get my hair highlighted for $120, and that includes the shampoo, haircut, and blow job.
Bethesda, Maryland
3PM Here, I'll Show You with My Fingers -- The Difference Is the Long One in the Middle
Senior consultant: Hey, what's the difference between four and five?
Consultant: How am I getting paid less than you?
Waterloo, London
Overheard by: he said what I was thinking
2PM Any Excuse to Tell That Story
Nurse: She's been so much better today. Chatty. She still walks around like this [puts chin to chest], but she came up to me and was like, "How are you today?" I said, "Huh? Oh, I'm fine!" Maybe it's the Celexa.
Psychiatrist: Actually we're weaning her off the Celexa. We started her on Effexor.
Nurse: Oh, well, maybe that's it.
Psychiatrist: She's only been on it one day. That wouldn't really be long enough.
Nurse: No, that's not... Celexa... I think I was taking that when I got into a fight at the airport. You know those guys with the M-16s? Well, I told this one bitch I was gonna jump over the counter and take her out.
Girl: That was Celexa?
Nurse, smiling: Yeah.
Oregon State Hospital
Salem, Oregon
1PM Sir, You Need More Services Than I Can Provide
CSR: OK, sir, go ahead and click on the logo in the top left of your screen.
Customer, on phone: I don't see that. I'm on a page that says "Welcome," then "My Profile."
CSR: OK, go ahead and click on "My Profile."
Customer: I don't see that.
9800 Fredericksburg Road
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: Raydran
12PM I Can't Wait to See That 'Help Wanted' Ad
Lesbian: Whatever it takes to get her pregnant. Even if I have to participate!
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
11AM Nah, You've Got Nine Months to Pick a Name
Girl #1: So we had sex last night and we didn't use a condom and I'm ovulating.
Girl #2: Uh huh.
Girl #1: Should I be worried?
10th & Washington
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM This, for Example, Appears to be a Videotape from the Reagan Years
New mother: You would not believe all the stuff that keeps coming out of your body.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
9AM He's Adopted
Patient: Yeah, I have a twin brother about my age.
Presbyterian Hospital
New York, New York
Overheard by: Speechless RN
5PM The 'Advanced' Section of the Kama Sutra Is Not for Everyone
Manager: Yeah, in order for me to work it out, I had to bend over backwards and slap some K-Y jelly on it.
Radio Shack
California
Overheard by: Stephen
4PM At Last, An RDA Is Established for Cookies
Drone #1: I am trying really hard to stay away from these cookies on my desk.
Drone #2: Oh my God, tell me about it. Those cookies are GOOD.
Drone #1: Maybe if I look at how many calories they have, it'll be easier to stay away. One cookie, 120 calories.
Drone #3: Well, how many calories are you supposed to have?
Drone #1: I don't know. I think 2000 calories is supposed to be average.
Drone #3: And the cookies are 120? Then you can eat all you want!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM After Her Last Album's Failure, Ms. Wilson Went into a Bit of a Slump
Guy: Hey, can you tell me how to get to Billings, Montana?
Desk clerk: Yeah, just go north on 95, then east on 90. That's the best way to get there.
Guy: Thanks! I just got fired. I'm a carnie. Carnie!
Hillcrest
Moscow, Idaho
Overheard by: They have small hands.
2PM What Really Happened to IBM
Project manager: Because of their dependencies, these two projects should be run in parallel.
CEO: Yeah, we need to paralyze them. Good idea, Ted*!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Lila
1PM The Colombians Were Bidding Higher When the Market Closed
Receptionist: Thank you for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Customer: I got a letter from my insurance company telling me to fill out a paper with my social security number on it and send it to you. Who are you?
Receptionist: We work with the government to help you with your appeal.
Customer: Oh. So you won't be selling my social security number to anybody in Nigeria?
Receptionist: No, sir, not today.
50 Square Drive
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: We'll sell it tomorrow
12PM Which Reminds Me: It's Performance Review Time
Coworker #1: How's the weather outside?
Coworker #2: Pretty good, it's like getting spit on.
Brooklyn Army Terminal
Brooklyn, New York
11AM So I Knew All the Questions Ahead of Time
GRE taker #1: That math section sure was hard.
GRE taker #2: Yeah, I was real confused with the angle-side-angle calculations.
GRE taker #1: I thought it was tough, too, but thankfully I took astrology last semester.
Fayetteville State University
Fayetteville, North Carolina
10AM Do the Math? Do the Math? You Can't HANDLE the Math!
Customer: They're three for $0.99.
Cashier: We don't sell them at that price. They're $0.33 each.
Big Lots Store #1906, 498 South Boulder Highway
Henderson, Nevada
Overheard by: Lee Hall
9AM The Godfather: It Should Really Go at the Feet
Guy: Facedown in cement... it just doesn't do you any good.
Applied Physics Lab
Maryland
Overheard by: scared
5PM Sure, Emperor -- Sure
Boss: Just because I don't wear my clothes to work doesn't mean I don't have them.
55 Elk Street
Albany, New York
Overheard by: clothed employee
4PM He's Also Been Divorced for Three Years But Doesn't Know It
Client: Why do I have financial charges? It was a plan for "same as cash" for eighteen months.
CSR: Well, sir, we sent you eighteen months of statements telling you that if you don't pay by the due date, you'll have financial charges to pay and exactly how much they would be.
Client: You expected me to read my mail?
Citibank
Toronto, Canada
Overheard by: Citi Slicker
3PM Or Something
Employee #1: Where is Great Britain?
Employee #2: I think it's a city in Scotland or something.
Toronto, Canada
2PM This Explains Much About Tennessee
Mother: What are you going to have?
Daughter: Chicken nuggets and a Dr Pepper.
Mother: I'm not getting you a Dr Pepper. It's not good for you.
Daughter: Fine. I'll have a Coke.
Mother: That's better.
McDonald's
Tennessee
1PM I Thought You'd Never Ask!
Salesman: And then you're cruising for a bruising.
Sales manager: How old are you?
Salesman: What?
Sales manager: "Cruising for a bruising"? My grandma said that!
Salesman: How about "truckin' for a fuckin'"?
Sales manager: OK.
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
12PM And Conveniently Carries Enough Ice to Cover an Unconscious Body in a Bathtub
Engineer: Where do I put this cooler?
Scientist #1: You know what that cooler is?
Engineer: Um, no.
Scientist #1: That's my old date cooler.
Scientist #2: Huh?
Scientist #1: 'Cause it's tall enough for a bottle of wine.
Scientist #2: I had a cooler too, for organs.
Engineer: This one's tall enough for a whole lung!
Highland Avenue
Cheshire, Connecticut
11AM Actually She Just Had a Cold, But We Take Her Living Will Very Seriously
Employee: You know my friend didn't die the other day when they, uh, disconnected her.
Manager: Oh no?
Employee: But she's dying right now. It took forty-eight hours. I wonder if she's hungry.
365 West Passaic Street
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jersey Girl
10AM Except Today They Were Spouting Some Nonsense About Loving My Neighbor
Coworker #1: What radio station do you listen to on your way to work?
Coworker #2: I listen to a Christian station so I can prepare myself for dealing with you assholes.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: one of the assholes
9AM This Could Explain Why Her Teeth Chipped Yesterday Morning
Woman #1: Oh, look at the pretty rock!
Woman #2: Um... that's part of a blueberry muffin.
Woman #1: Oh.
Monument Circle
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Gitcher Eyes Checked
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