September 2006 Archives

5PM The Human-Powered Watercraft Speed Record Is a Seductive Mistress

Girl #1: It's like that kid that was kidnapped for all those years, and then they found him and he was back with his family... but then he died a few years later in a boatorcycle accident.
Girl #2: A boatorcycle accident?
Girl #1: I meant motorcycle.
Girl #2: Yeah, I was gonna say... if he was boatorcycling it would have been his own fault. I mean, he shouldn't have been boatorcycling.
Girl #1: I know!

4310 Sherwoodtowne Boulevard
Mississauga, Ontario, Canada


Posted 2006-09-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM So White She Doesn't Know What's Happened to the N-Word

White girl: Jesus, I just got called a nigger!
Filipino girl: What? On your break?
White girl: Yeah! And by a black person. Homeless. Wouldn't give her money. I'm about as cracker as you get... total whitey. I mean, I'm wearing Banana Republic.

1900 Broadway
Oakland, California


Posted 2006-09-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM Nope, Just Thought You Might Need Help Getting That Desk onto Your Truck

Assistant: Are you stealing things already?
Marketing rep: Are you saying that because I'm black?

9401 West Brown Deer Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin


Overheard by: T


Posted 2006-09-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM And Leaving Early from Happy Hour to Shoot Heroin into My Eyelids

Dude #1: I quit smoking last week.
Dude #2: How's that going?
Dude #1: Well, I'm leaving early to go drinking.

St. Louis, Missouri


Posted 2006-09-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM I Dare You to Ask If He Has a Navel

Suit: Jim's* door is locked. Is he not here?
Woman #1: No, his mother's in the hospital.
Suit: Damn!
Woman #1: Not very synthetic, is he.

1500 John F. Kennedy Boulevard
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania


Overheard by: Not synthetic, very real


Posted 2006-09-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM You'll Be Surprised and You Won't Even Know It!

Employee: I'm totally gonna sneak up on you when you're not here.

575 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York


Overheard by: Thompson


Posted 2006-09-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM You Also Gotta Refrain From Calling it 'The Gerbil'

Sales guy #1: You're nasty!
Sales guy #2: I'm not the one that took the pictures on that site.
Sales guy #1: I'm not the one that's talking about shaving my gerbil!
Sales guy #2: Oooh... You gotta shave the gerbil. You GOTTA.

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina


Posted 2006-09-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM EEOC's Favorite Kind of Testimony

Employee: OH, SOMEONE TOOK A PICTURE OF THE COCK AGAIN!... Only it doesn't have sunglasses anymore.

101 Hillpointe Drive
Canonsburg, Pennsylvania


Posted 2006-09-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM My Soul Has Filed for Chapter 11

Manager #1: So how'd that meeting go? Are you still morally bankrupt?
Manager #2: Why, yes! Yes, I am!

750 Broadway
New York, New York


Overheard by: Emilio Lizardo


Posted 2006-09-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM In Fact He's a Boatman on the Alimentary Canal

Account manager: He's anal, all right. The wrong end of anal.

Powers Ferry
Atlanta, Georgia


Posted 2006-09-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM He Said I Was Cold and Unfeeling, And Made Abrupt Transitions

Boss: Sorry about being slow with the orders this summer. I was depressed and almost left my husband. Moving on, I have now ordered some new backpacks for us to sell.

North Washington
Scranton, Pennsylvania


Overheard by: Becky


Posted 2006-09-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM And So Is My Other Mom -- And My Dad

Distressed eleven-year-old boy: Ms. B., Aaron called my mom gay and she is gay!

School
Poway, California


Posted 2006-09-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM And Stick It up His Nose

Lady: What's his new obsession with cocaine? Is that, like, his new drug of choice or something? 'Cause I'm telling you, I'm about ready to have this baby just to spite him.

1548 Lee Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio


Overheard by: Fin


Posted 2006-09-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM Marx Predicted This

Little girl, to employee making a purchase: You can't shop here! You're supposed to work! You're not people!

801 North Congress Avenue
Boynton Beach, Florida


Posted 2006-09-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM If I'm Ever Too Old to Chuckle at the Phrase 'Do It,' Pull the Plug

Man: It's OK. We can still do it in my office.
Woman: That sounds fantastic.

Route 9
Wellesley Hills, Massachusetts


Overheard by: twelve step


Posted 2006-09-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM And It Took Him Three Days to Get Over It

First-grade teacher: CHARLES! Give me those! Those are NAILS! Nails are unsafe and do not belong in your hands.
Student: Pshhh, unless you're JESUS!

New York, New York

Overheard by: i want to adopt this kid


Posted 2006-09-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM You Can't Let People Get Away with Basing Their Lives on '80s Movies

Security guard: I walked in on him making love to a mannequin, so I kicked the shit out of him.

Hazeldean Mall
Kanata, Ontario, Canada


Posted 2006-09-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM Natural Selection Fires Off a Warning Shot

Manager: Ow, shit shit fuck shit.
Peon: What's wrong?
Manager: I accidentally ironed my arm this morning, and now it hurts every time I touch anything with it.

1180 Jefferson Road
Rochester, New York


Overheard by: Cube Farm Worker #5823457


Posted 2006-09-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM For Your Comfort and Safety, Remember That Kids Are Pretty Literal

School social worker, to kindergartner on lap: So what happened right before you ran out of your classroom?
Kindergartner: I'm peeing.
Social worker: What do you mean, you're peeing?
Kindergartner: I'm peeing.
Social worker: [jumps up, displaying huge wet spot on her pants]
Kindergartner: I TOLD you I was peeing.

5130 Roxbury Road
Indianapolis, Indiana


Overheard by: Fair warning given


Posted 2006-09-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM Lifting, Puking, and Shooting: The Lloyd Roid Story

Designer: I can't find a photo to represent personal trainers. The only stock images we have are too creepy. Look kind of like an after-school special.
Writer: Like a molesting-kids after-school special? Or the kind about bulimia?
Designer: A cross between those and the ones about steroids.
Creative director: Oh. That sounds OK. Use whatever you guys have.

16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona


Posted 2006-09-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM Empiricist Cooking Has Its Limitations

VP: But how will we make grilled cheese?
Drone: With the toaster oven.
VP: Well, I never, you'll have to show me how to use it.
Drone: Have you used a toaster?
VP: Yes!
Drone: Have you used an oven?
VP: YES!
Drone: Then you can use a toaster oven.
VP: Well, I have never seen such a thing.

Benzing Road
Orchard Park, New York


Posted 2006-09-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM In Practice, the Principle of Universal Brotherhood Causes Nothing but Confusion

Supervisor: So you and your brother have different fathers, then?
Worker: Yeah.
Supervisor: So you guys are related through your mom.
Worker: Naw, not really.
Supervisor: Wait, so how are you guys related, then?
Worker: I dunno. We're just brothers.

3901 Via Oro Avenue
Long Beach, California


Overheard by: bored on first day of work


Posted 2006-09-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM He'll Marry the First Girl Who Says 'Yes'

Sales chick, holding sales order: How big is this part? Can it go UPS or does it need a skid?
Warehouse guy: Oh, no, that one is real small. It could fit up my nose.
Sales chick: Um... OK, moving on... They asked for this part a week ago, so I'm going to have it ship today instead of with their large order. Thanks!
Warehouse guy, sticking finger up his nose: Are you sure you don't want to see how big it is?

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina


Posted 2006-09-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM And of Course He Was There at the Time

Bimbo: She really didn't betray him other than sleeping with someone else.

1300 Riverside Avenue
Fort Collins, Colorado


Overheard by: dazed and confused


Posted 2006-09-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM She Doesn't Like Doing Either, She Just Likes Talking About Them

Nerd #1: All Brittney* talks about is food and sex.
Nerd #2: Yeah, what do you think she likes doing more: talking about eating while having sex, or talking about fucking while having lunch?

333 Pfingsten Road
Northbrook, Illinois


Overheard by: deltar


Posted 2006-09-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM The Violence Is Good, But I Always End Up Married to Some Vietnamese Girl

Male interviewer: So where are you from?
Female applicant: I'm from here, but all my family is from Vietnam.
Male interviewer: Yeah? My ex-wife is from Vietnam. Ever since that war over there, I haven't really been a fan of wars, ya know?

Doc Green's, Cumberland Boulevard
Atlanta, Georgia


Posted 2006-09-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM In the Same Way That Humans Are Made of 'Long Pig'

Dad: What are birds made of?
Little girl: Chicken?

505 Broadway
Scottsbluff, Nebraska


Overheard by: Chicken soup


Posted 2006-09-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM I Clung to the Ceiling Until the Board of Regents Granted Me Tenure

Japanese professor: The peroxides are very volatile. If you drop them, we have to be out of the building before they hit the floor.
Grad student: I won't drop them.
Japanese professor: And only Japanese ninja can move that fast.
Grad student: OK.
Japanese professor: I am well trained in the art of the ninja.

10900 Euclid Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio


Posted 2006-09-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM Charging Extra for Stupidity Could Turn the Country's Finances Around in a Year or Two

Intercom: Welcome to Popeye's. Can I take your order?
Woman: Yes, I'd like a Number 2 with a Sprite, please.
Intercom: That will be $8.43... mild or spicy?
Woman: Yes.
Intercom: Mild or spicy?
Woman: Yes, please.
Intercom: [laughter]
Woman: What? What?
Intercom: That will be $41.23.

Popeye's
Waldorf, Maryland


Posted 2006-09-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM And Kindergartners Have Way Better Drugs

Mother: They're trying to hold him back again. He's been in preschool twice already. Preschoolers are dull and boring!

The Loop
Chicago, Illinois


Posted 2006-09-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM He Prefers Rooms with Lots of Light

Student: I hate going to the weight room. Those weights are heavy.

School
Texas


Overheard by: dan


Posted 2006-09-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM And What Could I Cover It With?

Customer: What's this called?
Sales associate: A duvet cover.
Customer: No, no... what's inside it?
Sales associate: A duvet.

IKEA
Costa Mesa, California


Overheard by: trying not to laugh


Posted 2006-09-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM No, I Have a Plane Ticket and a Shovel

Lady #1: I'm saving myself for Mozart.
Lady #2: That's going to be quite a wait, honey.

Santa Fe, New Mexico

Overheard by: Sarah


Posted 2006-09-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM Please Hold It Up So I Can See It

CSR: Thank you for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Customer: I'm calling about my bill.
CSR: OK, which bill are you calling about?
Customer: The one I received.

3445 North M-291 Highway
Independence, Missouri


Posted 2006-09-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM For Murphy, It's Skywriters or Nothing

Suit: It's been a big thing. I've sent a bunch of emails about it.
Boss: Yeah, I've ignored them. Sorry.

Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: It's not my project


Posted 2006-09-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM She Stole a Kid from a Gay Couple? That Is Low

Intern: Candace's* mom is sixty-five! And she's had seven kids from, like, eight different guys.

1325 East-West Highway
Silver Spring, Maryland


Overheard by: mathwizrd


Posted 2006-09-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM 'So Peaceful You Could Cut It with a Knife,' I Said

Circulation clerk: I was talking to her about how peaceful it is in here, and now she's going to go get a knife.

1035 North Treat Avenue
Tucson, Arizona


Overheard by: Volks


Posted 2006-09-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM She's Either Got a Really Short Spine or Is Crouching on Her Heels

Male coworker: What are those? Are they thighs?
Female coworker: No, they're breasts. Ginormous breasts!

555 West 57th Street
New York, New York


Overheard by: Lindsay


Posted 2006-09-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM Well, You Guys Are the Engineers, So If You Say It Needs to Be Made out of Platinum...

Tech: So do you think that we should go for this project?
Boss: Absolutely. The client is ridiculously stupid, but they are open-minded.

Bishopsgate, London

Overheard by: whyamIhere?


Posted 2006-09-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM She Couldn't Find the Container of White Powder

Blond barmaid: What's in a whiskey and coke?

Pesto Café
Fayetteville, Arkansas


Overheard by: retired from the service industry


Posted 2006-09-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM No, You've Just Got Those Little Wings on Your Lapel

Customer: By chance, was your mom a flight attendant?
Employee: Why, do you think you're my dad?

Costa Mesa, California

Overheard by: Still laughing now


Posted 2006-09-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM Made from 100% USDA Grade A Cops

Temp: All the food here is good, especially the bacon. I mean, this is real bacon, not the kind you buy at the store.

Culinary school
Pasadena, California


Overheard by: I'm surrounded by idiots


Posted 2006-09-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM The Resident's Box Has Always Been Public

Resident: Patient was seen today at his home. He's still complaining that the beams from Oregon are bothering him, but he said they aren't affecting him too badly right now. In fact, he said that they don't affect men too much in general - it's really women who should be worried about the beams, especially, he said, when they're aimed at women's private boxes.
Social worker: Did you just say private boxes?

Psychiatric clinic
Tulsa, Oklahoma


Posted 2006-09-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM She Found Ways to Entertain Herself on Her Last Day at Work

Customer #1: Does the brownie pie have nuts on it?
Waitress: No.
Customer #2: Why do you want to know if it has nuts on it?
Customer #1: Because I don't like nuts on my dessert.
Waitress: Do you like nuts on your chin?

Parkland Plaza
Cayce, South Carolina


Overheard by: Trying not to choke


Posted 2006-09-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM And Just Like That, the Headache Was Gone

Coworker #1: Will you come over and put a cold compress on my head?
Coworker #2: Sure, what do you want me to wear?

355 Park Avenue
New York, New York


Overheard by: BiPolar


Posted 2006-09-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM And Apparently There's Also This Other Thing? Called Panties?

Girl: Omigosh, I learned something today. Did you know that bras have an adjustable strap? Well, the one I'm wearing today was always loose and showing my boobies a little, but then I adjusted the strap, and whoa, let me tell ya, my boobs are like five feet higher in the air, and they are fully covered.

Career Center
Winston-Salem, North Carolina


Overheard by: azn


Posted 2006-09-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM The Quality-Control Spies Never Catch Anyone with This Question

Customer: Do you sell cards?
Hallmark employee: Yes. Yes, we do.

The Hallmark Store
Manhattan, Kansas


Overheard by: Fellow Hallmark Employee


Posted 2006-09-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM Oh, See, That One Was Way Too Detailed

Employee on phone: And how do you know her? And... how... do... you... know... her?... AND... HOW... what do you mean, "Ask less detailed questions"?

Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Overheard by: prefekt


Posted 2006-09-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM Then Why Are You Selling It?

Cashier: Ma'am, you do realize there's a fire ban in effect that includes charcoal grills?
Customer: Oh, I thought that was only for the locals.

City Market
Buena Vista, Colorado


Overheard by: One of the locals


Posted 2006-09-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM And She Was So Smart for Figuring That Out

Girl: Did you notice the way their baby looked?
Guy: Um, yeah.
Girl: It's because she didn't do drugs or alcohol when she was pregnant. It makes a big difference, you know? That's why the baby is so smart.

Tulsa, Oklahoma


Posted 2006-09-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM But on That Note, What's Your Availability?

Customer: Wow, you must be in high demand this time of year.
Employee: I guess so.
Customer: Oh, I meant the store. Not you.

Columbia, Maryland

Overheard by: party rental stores are no party


Posted 2006-09-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM The Tweedle Boys Go to College

Teacher: All right, then, so what are some of the languages that influenced the English language?
Student #1: Canadian!
Student #2: You're dumb. This is Brit Lit... so obviously, British influenced the English language.

4771 Campus Drive
Irvine, California


Posted 2006-09-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM Why Rome Fell

Employee on phone: My buddy just told me this story about how his wife was so drunk last weekend in a high-end club in the Hamptons, and she ran to the bathroom to puke but never fully made it to the toilet. On top of that, as she was puking everywhere, turns out she was also shitting herself. So now the whole club had to be closed down because it smelled like shit and puke. Isn't that hysterical?

Boss walks in.

Employee to boss: Hey, do you know this club?
Boss: Yeah, I actually went there last Saturday night, but we left immediately because it smelled like shit and vomit.

60th Street & Madison Avenue
New York, New York


Overheard by: holding-it-in


Posted 2006-09-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM You Dope. What Are the Odds It Could Be Anybody Else?

Genius on phone: Hey, man... what's going on? So I heard that two cops shot a dude, and I was just wondering if it was you.

44th Street & Broadway
New York, New York


Overheard by: Speechless


Posted 2006-09-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM She's Adopted, So It Isn't His Fault

Guy: I'm looking for my daughter. She was going to meet us at McDonalds, but it's closed, so I need to tell her.
Woman: Oh, is she a very pretty girl?
Guy: Not really.
Woman: Oh.

1535 Bacharach Boulevard
Atlantic City, New Jersey


Overheard by: Lauren


Posted 2006-09-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM Unveiling the Official Phallic Status Symbol for the Twenty-First Century

CSR: Hey, your phone's open!
Courier: [looks at his crotch]

1813 East 9th Street
Hopkinsville, Kentucky


Overheard by: will1966


Posted 2006-09-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM During an Office Fire, Some Employees Will Run Directly into the Flames

Coworker #1: Where are we supposed to meet for the tornado drill?
Coworker #2: Beth* said that we can just stay at our desks because we're already in the basement. She'll come around and do a head count.
Coworker #1: So we don't have to go outside, then?
Coworker #2: Um... no.

7000 Portage Road
Kalamazoo, Michigan


Overheard by: Snark Monster


Posted 2006-09-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM Bimbo Breakthrough

Bimbo #1: I gotta go, I can't be late to my class. It's important.
Bimbo #2: What class?
Bimbo #1: Sociology. And by important, I mean I'm probably going to fail it.

1000 University Place
Newport News, Virginia


Posted 2006-09-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM A Brain That Dresses All Seductive but Won't Put Out?

Receptionist: What's a brainteaser?

16 Bailey Avenue
Ridgefield, Connecticut


Overheard by: Nikki


Posted 2006-09-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM If I'd Known It Would Just Be a Slobbering, I'd Have Done It Myself

Architect: Did you see the dog?
Intern: Yeah, he slobbered on my pant leg.
Architect: I sent you because I didn't want to get bit.

Square Lake Road
Bloomfield Hills, Michigan


Overheard by: Eero Plain


Posted 2006-09-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM Never Lose Bets to Your Children

Parent to teacher: Would it be possible for students to have extra recess time instead of silent reading?

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania


Posted 2006-09-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM The Tits, I Just Left There

Man: I've heard that you've been to New York before and tried to be a stripper there.
Woman: Yeah, I've taken my ass back now.

Shanghai, China


Posted 2006-09-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM It's Hard to Keep All Those Former Soviet States Straight

Girl: Hey, Pete*, are you feeling smart today?
Guy #1: Maybe, why?
Girl: Do you know if Korea is a separate country, or is it, like, part of China or Japan?
Guy #1: I have no idea. Why do you need to know?
Girl: I'm trying to look up UPS rates for Korea, but I can't find Korea.
Guy #1: Troy*!
Guy #2: Yes?
Guy #1: Is Korea a separate country from China or Japan?
Guy #2: Yes.
Girl: OK, well, I can't find it on the drop-down. Is it called something else?
Guy #2: Republic of Korea?
Girl: No.
Guy #2: South Korea?
Girl: Oh... OK, there it is!

Phoenix, Arizona


Posted 2006-09-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM It's Been Oolong Time Since I Embarrassed Myself Like That

Agent: Oh, now I remember why I don't usually drink pee. It always makes me have to go to the washroom... Tea. Tea! I meant tea!... Fuck you all.

1616 27th Avenue Northeast
Calgary, Alberta, Canada


Overheard by: Didn't believe him


Posted 2006-09-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM Why I Have No Pictures on My Desk

Lackey: So that's your wife, huh?
Suit: Yep.
Lackey: She's a grade-school teacher?
Suit: Yes.
Lackey: She looks like that one that had sex with her thirteen-year-old student.

275 West Wisconsin Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin


Posted 2006-09-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM It Lost Its Virginity in Sixth Grade!

Blood drive participant: My blood is faster than your blood!

1924 Alcoa Highway
Knoxville, Tennessee


Posted 2006-09-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM The Red Sea Was a Giant Wine Bar

Devout drinker: So if you think about it... Moses would want you to be drunk right now.

1 University Station
Austin, Texas


Overheard by: Converting to Judaism


Posted 2006-09-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM The First-Ever Suggestion That College Leads to Sobriety

Woman: Man, I got so shitfaced last night. Major hangover. I'm not gonna get anything done.
Lackey: Well, good thing you're a VP. You can get away with that kind of thing.
Woman: I know, right? And I don't even have a college education!
Lackey: Guess I wasted those four years and workday sobriety for nothing. And all this time I could have been a hungover dropout.
Woman: Live and learn!

Providence, Rhode Island

Overheard by: Kate


Posted 2006-09-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM She's One of Those Undercover Deafies

Grease monkey #1: That woman over there...
Grease monkey #2: Yeah?
Grease monkey #1: Is she deaf or something?
Grease monkey #2: Yeah, she's deaf.
Grease monkey #1: But she looks just like any other woman, yo!

Jiffy Lube, Rosecrans Boulevard
San Diego, California


Overheard by: BigWig


Posted 2006-09-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM Solitaire Is a Conspiracy by the Black Man to Undermine White Productivity

Employee #1: Blacks, blacks everywhere! Stupid blacks! I can't do anything with them. They just take over.
Employee #2: Cletus*, quit playing solitaire and do some work.

Downtown
Missoula, Montana


Overheard by: non-profit ninja


Posted 2006-09-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM Why They Both Wanted Breast Implants Is Anybody's Guess

Boss: How are your parents?
Worker #1: Fine, thanks for asking.
Worker #2: My parents are fine, too, thanks for asking!
Boss: I'm happy to hear that. When both of my parents were in the hospital at the same time, it was really hard on our whole family.

28th Street & 6th Avenue
New York, New York


Posted 2006-09-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM Won't They Need to Wait for Him to Get Back to Do That?

Employee #1: Is this Sammy's* or yours?
Employee #2: I think it's Sammy's.
Employee #1: I don't want to shuffle everything off to him since he's on vacation.
Employee #2: No, he's not here... let's screw him!

1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska


Overheard by: DB


Posted 2006-09-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM If You Unfocus Your Eyes Just Right, You Can See One of Those 'Magic' Pictures

Worker: Bob's balls are hanging out of his shorts.
Manager: Yeah, he's got real hangers.
Worker: You should tell him.
Manager: I like it. No one else can see it, and it's his lunch break. Besides, you've been looking at his scrotum for the last ten minutes.

Balboa Park
San Diego, California


Overheard by: fellow worker sitting nearby


Posted 2006-09-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM You're Probably Going to Arrive at Your Point Soon, but the Rest of Us Don't Want to Be Here When You Do

Employee: My friend ate a penis once... but not in a sexual way. It was a Romanian specialty dish or something like that.

Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Overheard by: prefekt


Posted 2006-09-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM We Only Sell Information Here

Customer: Does this come in black?
Store clerk: Yes. [walks off]

Department store, Rockville Pike
Rockville, Maryland


Overheard by: Doctor Whom


Posted 2006-09-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM Orthodox Dude in Peyes, Platform Hat, Black Three-Piece Suit: 'What Did You Just Say?'

Cube dude: I don't mean this to be harsh, but, you know, the Talmud wasn't exactly written just to justify your fashion choices.

350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York


Posted 2006-09-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM Thus, He Probably Overcharged for His Chuppahs

Employee #1: Well, we already live together.
Employee #2: Oooh, living in sin!
Employee #3: Jesus won't be happy with you.
Employee #1: Well, I'm Jewish, so Jesus already isn't too happy with me.
Employee #3: That's true.
Employee #1: I think when I get married under a chuppah, he might get upset!
Employee #2: Jesus was Jewish, though.
Employee #3: Jesus was also a carpenter.

1500 Broadway
New York, New York


Posted 2006-09-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM That Explains Some of the Stains, Though

Lawyer: Oh, he's a philanderer?
Legal assistant: No, he works at a paint store.

14340 57th Avenue
Surrey, British Columbia, Canada


Posted 2006-09-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM It's an L.A. County Law

Bicycle Girl: Take the 101 to the 405, and then you'll hit Santa Monica. There are great bike trails there.
Bicycle Boy: Great. I was having trouble finding good bike trails around here.
Bicycle Girl: Yeah, there are no good trails in the Valley. You have to go by the beach or mountains. No one rides their bike in the Valley unless they're Mexican and on their way to work.

North Hollywood, California

Overheard by: Jen


Posted 2006-09-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM Mr. Hefner Has Successfully Used the Adoption Ploy for Over 50 Years

Man: I talked to John. He said he and Michelle got divorced less than a year after they were married. I really didn't like her anyway. She was really bullheaded.
Woman: Oh. That's too bad.
Man: Yeah, they just got divorced, but he's doing well. He just adopted a seventeen-year-old girl. It's helping to distract him.
Woman: Huh?

University of Oregon
Eugene, Oregon


Overheard by: Reed


Posted 2006-09-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM At Last We Learn How Howard the Duck Got Greenlighted

Writer: I told you that duck was evil.
Designer: I know.
Writer: But you kept trying to squeeze him in the layout anyway.
Designer: I know. He looked so tempting when I first saw him! But that duck was the spawn of Satan.
Writer: I told you he was a freak.
Designer: He lured me in!

16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona


Overheard by: I don't really want to know.


Posted 2006-09-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM When Your Job Is Over Hard

Waitress: Can I ask you something? This customer wants two eggs. But he wants them fried. Do we even do that here?
Manager: Um, yes. Actually most eggs are fried. There's over easy, sunny side up, over hard...
Waitress: Oh, really? OK. Whatever.

30th & Walnut Streets
Boulder, Colorado


Overheard by: Just having oatmeal


Posted 2006-09-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM Actually, It's a Generational Rorschach Test

Twentysomething new hire: Why is there a Harry Potter picture in our lobby?
Fortysomething manager: Actually that's a painting of John Lennon.

Silicon Valley, California

Overheard by: Pop Culturally Literate


Posted 2006-09-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM So That's Why People Go into Hairstyling

Stylist on phone: Oh, I gave you the wrong phone number.... So is that like a fact-smile? A fact-smile. It says here the fact-smile number is 312-555-1234*.

South Loop
Chicago, Illinois


Overheard by: waiting for a haircut


Posted 2006-09-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM Worried It Might Get Chicago Wet

Coworker #1: Did it rain while you were in Chicago?
Coworker #2: Nope.
Coworker #1: Oh, that's good. I saw on the Weather Channel that it was raining in Virginia, and I got worried.

42 South Street
Hopkinton, Massachusetts


Posted 2006-09-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM Can't Wait 'Til He Puts on the Darth Vader Mask and Tells the Baby He's Her Father

Woman #1: Hey! Look at you! I didn't know you were back from maternity leave.
Woman #2: Yeah, I just came back yesterday.
Woman #1: I saw the pictures you emailed. She's adorable. I remember you were worried about labor. How'd it go?
Woman #2: Not too bad, actually. Kind of what I expected. Although I punched my husband and threatened divorce during the worst of it.
Woman #1: Are you serious? What did he do?
Woman #2: Right when my contractions were about two minutes apart, he got nervous and attempted to distract me. So he kept making that ooohbah, ooohbah noise that those robot things made in Revenge of the Sith.
Woman #1: Omigod! I know what you're talking about. What a jerk! That's so funny, though.
Woman #2: Yeah, I know. We laugh about it now. But at the time I punched him in the stomach and called him a bastard. I told him if he opened his mouth again even to cough, we were getting a divorce. Poor guy wouldn't even talk to the nurses after that.

777 Eisenhower Parkway
Ann Arbor, Michigan


Posted 2006-09-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM There's Nothing That Can't Be Accomplished Through Sex and Dishonesty

Coed #1: He had told me not to do anything special for his birthday. He said to forget he was having a birthday at all. But then he came over, and I could tell that he was down.
Coed #2: Because it was his birthday, and he was thirty.
Coed #1: Yeah.
Coed #2: And he's dating an eighteen-year-old.
Coed #1: Shut up. So then we had sex? And it wasn't, like, the most amazing time, but I faked it. But, like, really over the top? And he was happy the rest of the day!

University & College Avenues
Tempe, Arizona


Overheard by: over 30


Posted 2006-09-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM But That Wasn't Working, So I Switched to George

Suit #1: So I was banging Alice in her office, and she started crying. It reminded me of George and Meredith in Grey's Anatomy.
Suit #2: Wow! That must have been a turnoff.
Suit #1: No, I kept going. I just pretended I was banging Meredith.

80 J Street
Sacramento, California


Overheard by: Extra Character


Posted 2006-09-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM One-Handed, Too

Customer: I know it sounds like my husband drinks too much, but he really doesn't.
Alcohol-company CSR: Hey, I talk about alcohol all day long. You can't shock me.
Customer: Well, I write erotica, so I talk about sex all day long!
Alcohol-company CSR: Really?
Customer: Yeah. I just turned in my manuscript today, but it was three weeks late. I keep telling my editor, "I don't write smut on demand!" But I write very good smut.

800 Market Street
St. Louis, Missouri


Overheard by: Easily Entertained


Posted 2006-09-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM Antie Maim

Employee #1, on ant infestation: I noticed there were a few just walking around by themselves on my desk.
Employee #2: Those are scouts! Kill them or they'll go back and tell the others the coast is clear, then you'll have a rope of them!
Employee #1: I know, so I tried breaking the legs on one of them hoping he'd go back and tell the others not to come, it's not safe, but all he did was walk around in circles on my desk, so I just smashed him.

Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: Employee #3


Posted 2006-09-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM So I Got This 'L' Tattooed on My Forehead

Guy: So it turned out my phone wasn't broken. It was just nobody wanted to call me.

Filton Road
Bristol, England


Overheard by: Rich


Posted 2006-09-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM He Means He Wants the Final Text Written on Papyrus

Boss: I don't need to see everything before it goes out the door. Just send me a final, final, rough draft.

Union Square
New York, New York


Posted 2006-09-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM They Stopped Doing the Circular Because of the Weird Envelopes

Customer: Do you have a circular for this week?
Cashier: Uh, no. We don't have those.
Customer: You don't have a flyer advertising your weekly specials?
Cashier: Oh, you mean this?
Customer: Yeah! The circular. What I said.
Cashier: Ma'am, this is not a circular. This is a rectangle.

Target
Waldorf, Maryland


Overheard by: SeeNoSpeakNo


Posted 2006-09-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM Dog: Sweetie, All You Have to Do Is Say 'Please'

Chairman: It will be easy, like pulling a greasy stick out a dog's arse.
Employee: That's all well and good, but we have to get the greasy stick in there first!

Barrow-in-Furness
Cumbria, England


Posted 2006-09-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM Even in the Black Hills You See White People

Aussie: Is Motown a black state?
American: Uh, actually Motown is a nickname for Detroit, and a record label.
Aussie: Is Detroit a black state?
American: No, it's a city.
Aussie: Is Tennessee a black state?
American: Whaaa... there's no such thing as a black state.
Aussie: There isn't?

Reservoir Street
Sydney, Australia


Overheard by: Yank Down Under


Posted 2006-09-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM Because I've Heard Stories About These 'Dingoes'

Employee on phone with child care center: Ummm, I don't know... do you have trouble with children escaping?

Canberra, Australia

Overheard by: the entire, amused office


Posted 2006-09-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM But I Play One on TV

M.D. #1: Hey, look! They named their kid Babygirl!
M.D. #2: No way, that's hilarious!
Janitor: Actually, it just means they haven't named their child yet and that it's a baby girl.
M.D. #1: Are you a doctor?
M.D. #2: I bet he's not even a doctor.
Janitor: [walks away]

GroupHealth Cooperative
Lacey, Washington


Overheard by: lauren


Posted 2006-09-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM He Was Much Worse Before the Diversity Training

Suit: You're Asian, so I bet you want tea. We Americans like our morning coffee.
Asian interviewee #1: No, I had Starbucks on the way here.
Suit: We Americans like milk in our coffee. Asians drink it black, right?
Asian interviewee #2: No, I take mine light and sweet.
Suit: Well, you still wanna work here, right?

Midtown
New York, New York


Overheard by: Laughing in America


Posted 2006-09-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM Lame Duck Car Buyers

Old woman: How dare you pick me up in a truck? I drive a Cadillac and you pick me up in a truck?! This is the last Cadillac I ever buy from you!
Manager: That's not much of a threat, now, is it? Seriously, look at you. I mean, there's not a lot of Cadillacs left in you, is there?

Car dealership
Ohio


Posted 2006-09-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM Well, Some of the Time, Anyway

Office manager: We kinda have a policy we sorta have to follow.

5757 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California


Posted 2006-09-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM I Can Sell Her Anything!

Assistant: Let me see if she's available... Missy, do you want to talk to a Janie* at US, Inc.*?
Missy: She's a dumbass... Yeah, I want to talk to her.

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina


Posted 2006-09-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM Dan's Discount Dungeon

Female staffer #1: Yeah, we need to get us a gas-powered hedge trimmer.
Male staffer: Yeah, we have an electric, but it's battery-operated. And the battery only lasts about ten minutes, so it's like Extreme Speed Trimming. We have to get to that bush fast before the battery runs out.
Female staffer #2: Are y'all talking about vibrators?
Male staffer: Uh, well, sort of, except this one has teeth that chop long skinny things in half.
Female staffer #2: Oooh, kinky! Where'd you get it?

10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina


Posted 2006-09-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM Her Resume Comes with a Centerfold

Boss: Did you talk to that girl Rachel*?
Male employee on phone: Yes, I have her resume in front of me now.
Boss: She's very pretty... she has big boobs.
Male employee on phone: Really.
Boss: Something to think about.

6671 Eastland Road
Cleveland, Ohio


Overheard by: melessa


Posted 2006-09-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM Close... It's Actually Global LUKEwarming

Professor: You will have those students that don't show up to class or office hours, or that don't care about their grades. What causes this?
TA: Global warming?

University of Texas
Austin, Texas


Overheard by: underpaid TA


Posted 2006-09-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM Well, That Rules Out Marine Biology

Ditz: I'd really like to pursue my acting and singing career. I think I'm really good at that.
Dad: [Nods]
Ditz: But if that doesn't work out I could always be a marine biologist. But you know? I'd really rather keep working at Target. It smells sooo good.

TGI Friday's
Frederick, Maryland


Posted 2006-09-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM She's Jockeying For 'Most Improved'

Employee #1: Where's Anne*?
Employee #2: I dunno, but she's sure going to be late to her time management training class.

980 Kelly Johnson Drive
Las Vegas, Nevada


Posted 2006-09-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM Next You'll Be Claiming People Lived in Mexico Before the Spanish Colonized It!

Customer: That's a pretty name. Different.
Cashier: Yeah, you don't see it much up here. It's Mexican.
Customer: Don't you mean it's Spanish?
Cashier: No, it's Mexican in origin.
Customer: Racist.

Sprague and Sullivan
Spokane, Washington


Overheard by: It's this whole other country


Posted 2006-09-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM How's Tomorrow Sound?

Underling: What do you want me to do today?
Superboss: That's a good question. I can talk about that whenever you're ready.

4000 Shoreline Court
San Francisco, California


Posted 2006-09-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM I'll Bet the Fax Machine Will Be More Understanding

Speaker on fax machine: Listen, you freakin' idiot, this is the third time in five minutes you're tryin' to fax something to a phone number.
Employee in adjacent cubicle, two minutes later: Yeah, hi, this is the freakin' idiot... [loud squelching]... shit, now I dialed their fax number.

Georgesville Road
Columbus, Ohio


Overheard by: laughing in next cubicle


Posted 2006-09-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM She Made the Same Mistake with Love in the 1960s

Technician: Ma'am, your Jaguar needs a new engine.
Jag owner: How can that be?
Technician: When's the last time you had the oil changed?
Jag owner: My salesperson Vinnie* told me the car was maintenance-free, and just bring it in when it needs service.
Technician: No, ma'am, it's not maintenance-free, it's free maintenance.

1815 Maplelawn Drive
Troy, Michigan


Overheard by: Vinyl Junkie


Posted 2006-09-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM Turn Racism into a Fun Office Game!

Coworker #1: I would have been up all night with my shotgun.
Coworker #2: Why? The cops already had the perpetrator.
Coworker #1: Whatever, you're just saying that because he was black... otherwise he would have just been a suspect.
Coworker #2: Ummm, the guy was white. I never said he was black. All I said was he wasn't wearing shoes.

Pacific Drive
Lexington Park, Maryland


Overheard by: Perpetrators


Posted 2006-09-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM And I Read a Lot of Nietzsche

Interviewer: What would you say your strengths are?
Buff interviewee: Arms and back.

Dresden Nuclear Power Plant
Morris, Illinois


Overheard by: Harbor


Posted 2006-09-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM He Means It's Inauthentically Trying to Be Like Soup Without Actually Being Soup

Customer: Excuse me, miss!
Waitress: Yes, sir?
Customer: My soup is too soupy.
Waitress: Well, I'm sorry, sir, if your soup is too soupy, but it is soup.

Point Pleasant, New Jersey

Overheard by: he deserved it


Posted 2006-09-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Desk

Girl: Can you keep this desk clean?
Guy: What? The desk is clean. Stop hating!
Girl: Hey, hey, don't say that, I'm not a cock-blocker. I don't cock-block.
Guy: What the fuck does that have to do with my desk?

350 South Figueroa
Los Angeles, California


Overheard by: Sexual tension in the workplace?


Posted 2006-09-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM I Hear They Have a Rivalry with the Fallujah Branch

Coworker #1: What branch of the military was he in?
Coworker #2: In the U.S.A. branch.

Madison, Wisconsin

Overheard by: Kain


Posted 2006-09-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM Situational Ethics

Coworker #1: Can you believe the whole company needs to take an ethics exam? It's online, but still...
Coworker #2: Yeah, it sucks. I heard that one department's doing the whole thing on a conference call together.
Coworker #1: But there's a test...
Coworker #2: Yeah, they're all taking the test together. One person says the answer and everybody enters it on their screen after the first person confirms it's right.

Midtown
New York, New York


Posted 2006-09-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM You Also Need to Have Finished Third-Grade Math

Worker: Yup, it takes a lot more than a million dollars to be a millionaire these days.

Hermiston, Oregon


Posted 2006-09-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM After Successfully Outlawing Science, Kansas Gets Right to Work on Math

Topeka City Council Member: I thought we just voted that down unanimously, with the exception of one or two votes.

Capitol grounds
Topeka, Kansas


Overheard by: wscnsngl


Posted 2006-09-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM It's a Marriage

Woman #1: So is it a booty call if you only have sex some of the time?
Woman #2: No, it's worse.

3600 Port of Tacoma Road
Tacoma, Washington


Posted 2006-09-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM Is That Better or Worse Than Her Stepdaughter Being Pregnant and Moving Out to Live with the Son?

Coworker #1: Well, I got some good news and some bad news last night.
Coworker #2: Let me guess... your stepdaughter's moving out, but she's pregnant.
Coworker #1: Oh my God, you're so close! My stepdaughter's moving out and my eighteen-year-old son's girlfriend is pregnant.
Coworker #2: Wow, what luck.

1649 Pandosy
Kelowna, British Columbia, Canada


Overheard by: melissa


Posted 2006-09-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM But Aren't We Scheduled to Exchange Briefs and Deliver Oral Arguments?

Office Assistant: If I go back to the phone without an answer this guy is going to eat me out.
Manager: I think you mean chew you out.

1125 Colonel Drive
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada


Overheard by: WOW @ CU


Posted 2006-09-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM Too Bad It's Another Part That Got the Clap

Girl #1: My boyfriend is in the pen.
Girl #2: For how long?
Girl #1: He's been there for three years.
Girl #2: Wow! You've been faithful to him for three years?
Girl #1: My heart has been...

2720 Villa Prom
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma


Overheard by: FrancesDanger


Posted 2006-09-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM They're Just Mad About the Whole 'Canadia' Thing

CEO: I read a study that said that 50% of Canadians disapprove of Americans.
Employee: Yeah, I guess they just don't agree with many of the US's recent actions.
CEO: No, it's because they're jealous of Americans.
Employee: Err, that's perhaps a somewhat US-centric view...
CEO: I've been to Canada. I've seen it firsthand. They are very jealous of us.
Employee: Actually, now that you mention it, I'm surprised it was only 50%.

Frederick, Maryland

Overheard by: poj


Posted 2006-09-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM You Have to Keep One Eye on Them at All Times

Supervisor surfing the net for "news": Look! A cyclops baby was born in India! This is what happens when I don't keep up with current events.

666 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York


Posted 2006-09-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM Tupac's Propaganda Machine, on the Other Hand, Is Alive and Thriving

Counselor: Is that a Tupac T-shirt? You're five. Tupac wasn't alive when you were born. What do you know about Tupac?
Kid: I know the haters killed him.
Counselor: Touché.

Richmond, Virginia

Overheard by: SB


Posted 2006-09-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM Fool! The Customer Is Always Right!

Customer: Hello, Phyllis, how are you today?
Worker: I'm not Phyllis, I'm Kay.
Customer: Your name tag says Phyllis.
Worker: No, it doesn't. It says Kay, see? P-H-Y... oops!... wrong name tag.

Westmoreland Mall
Greensburg, Pennsylvania


Posted 2006-09-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM She Has Trouble Hearing When She's Going 'BLURGH!'

Guy #1: I was talking to Megan the other day. She is pretty cool.
Guy #2: Yeah, she is, but man, she is really bulimic.
Guy #3: Bulimic? What does that mean? Does that mean she's deaf?

YMCA
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma


Overheard by: T


Posted 2006-09-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM Unless You Have an 11?

Woman: I take an exact size 9.
Salesgirl: We only have an 8 and a 10.
Woman: I'll take the 10.

Niagara-on-the-Lake
Ontario, Canada


Overheard by: bored at work


Posted 2006-09-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM And, If Not, Practicing Is More Fun Than Anything!

Division manager: I've played with it enough, it outta work by now.

Mechanicsville, Virginia

Overheard by: Alan


Posted 2006-09-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM How Angie Got Her First Job

Manager: So why do you want to work in a book store?
Teen: Um...I love reading books.
Manager: What's the last book you read?
Teen: Uh...Umm...I don't...[Giggles]...Umm...
Manager: Well, what's your favorite book?
Teen: Um...
Manager: Okay.

Barnes & Noble, Irving Mall
Irving, Texas


Overheard by: Mongo Man


Posted 2006-09-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM Watched The Neverending Story Once Too Often

CIO: You developers have to tell the BAs if you're going to miss a deadline, or they'll be in the dark. Then they can't tell the managers, and they'll be in the dark. Pretty soon we have this big snowball of darkness.

625 Marquette Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota


Posted 2006-09-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM Kindly Do Not Demonstrate

Woman: So if you've never done it before, it's going to hurt the first time and maybe even bleed a bit.
Man: Uh huh.
Woman: So don't be afraid. You should try it. It's definitely worth it.

Other people in elevator shuffle uncomfortably.

Woman: Um...So flossing is crucial to good dental hygiene.

Elevator
Houston, Texas


Posted 2006-09-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM Maybe Gidget Goes Pentecostal

Little girl, pointing at Ann Coulter's Godless: Who's that lady, daddy?
Dad: She's some crazy lady who doesn't know what she's talking about.
Little girl: She looks like she should be in movies.
Dad: [Shocked silence]
Little girl: But not very good movies.
Dad: Ha! That's my girl.

Auntie's Bookstore
402 West Main Avenue
Spokane, Washington


Posted 2006-09-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM It's Really More About Where They Land, Isn't It?

Peon: I wanted to show you this order. I think someone dropped the ball.
Sales associate: Let's see whose order it is...Oh, it's Ryan's*. And he's out this week.
Peon: Uh-oh.
Sales associate: See what happens when you go on vacation? Your balls get dropped!

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina


Posted 2006-09-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM In the Future, Black People Will Get to Do Things While Whitey Pays to Watch

Black co-worker: Hey, how are you doing today?
Redneck co-worker: If I were you, I wouldn't speak to me today.
Black co-worker: Why is that? What's wrong with you?
Redneck co-worker: I'm not too fond of you black people today. That damn Tiger Woods has won another Major.
Black co-worker: Oh, that's all? Well, what are you going to do when we take over NASCAR?
Redneck co-worker: [Bewildered silence]

1000 Jerry St. Pe Highway
Gulf Coast, Mississippi


Overheard by: The Guy sitting next to the idiot


Posted 2006-09-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM He Could Trip on a Tampon at Any Moment!

Techie guy #1: You know how my friends Jason and Mike rode their bikes to Mexico and then to Costa Rica to play poker?
Techie guy #2: Yeah.
Techie guy #1: Well, Mike's living with this girl he met in Mexico.
Techie guy #2: Is that safe?

11000 Regency Parkway
Cary, North Carolina


Posted 2006-09-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM In This Month's New England Journal of Medicine: 'Insurance Forms and the Placebo Effect'

Doctor #1: So I called him when he didn't show up for his visit and told him I was waiting for him. He told me that he came, signed in, filled out the insurance paperwork, answered some questions, then left and went home.
Doctor #2: What an idiot. Don't people realize that when you have a doctor's appointment, you're actually supposed to go in to see the doctor?

Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Moron


Posted 2006-09-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM This Turkey Baster Says You Are Mistaken

Co-Worker: My wife's not too happy with me.
Client: Oh, I'm sure--
Co-Worker: --No, she's pregnant again.
Client: Ooooh, that's gotta be your fault. No woman would do that to herself.

Highland Avenue
Cheshire, Connecticut


Posted 2006-09-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM Get the Mirror Off Your Desk

Employee: I've been on e-mail since 5 AM, and all I see is incomptitude.

550 South Hope Street
Los Angeles, California


Overheard by: hearing it in stereo


Posted 2006-09-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM It's All About Scheduling, Yo

Counter girl: Did I tell you I almost got locked up last night?
Male customer: Fo' what?
Counter girl: I took my homegirl's car and rode over to my baby daddy's momma house. Po-lice got me going through a light. I was like, "Shit, man, I got weed and a rock in my joint, and my shit's suspended, yo."
Male customer: That's some Cops shit, girl!
Girl: Fo' reals...But I worked my way out with a warning, got my baby, went home, and smoked that shit.

11th Street & F Street
Washington, DC


Overheard by: suddenly not hungry


Posted 2006-09-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM Will Someone Please Buy This Nurse a Knockoff Prada Clutch or Something?

Nurse #1: Do you think it's okay to eat this? It was in there with the specimen bag.
Nurse #2: Oh yeah, it's fine.

Hospital
Providence, Rhode Island


Overheard by: jessie spano


Posted 2006-09-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM From the Ancient Canadian Folk Tale 'Chickens Are from Hell, Eh?'

Teen #1: I swear, those chickens were from hell.
Teen #2: All chickens are from hell.

Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Canadia


Posted 2006-09-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM Didn't I Tell You? I'm Guilty.

Defense attorney: I'm going back to the office. God, I hate days like this. Losing blows.
Defendant: Hey, sorry, man. But, really, you didn't have a chance.

300 East Bay Street
Jacksonville, Florida


Overheard by: Jess


Posted 2006-09-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM 2006: Al Qaeda Reaches Alaska

Admin: Do you need help with anything?
Engineer: Nobody ever asks that here. What are you up to?

Anchorage, Alaska

Overheard by: Overworked


Posted 2006-09-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM Either a 75-Gallon Mixer or That Red-and-White Twine They Tie Cakes Up With

Elderly woman to husband: I told you we wouldn't find it here! I told you the only place we'd find it was a hardware store or a bakery!

Department store
Glendale, Arizona


Posted 2006-09-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM Can We All Agree That What They Do Is Not 'Acting'?

Client #1: Yeah...[My girlfriend] used to be an actress.
Client #2, looking at photo on client #1's desk: Yeah? I think I have seen her before.
Client #1: Yeah? You watch a lot of porn? She used to be a porn actress.
Client #2: [Silence]

Airport Plaza
Long Beach, California


Posted 2006-09-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM The Real Reason Behind the Great Chicago Fire

Engineer #1: If you flush the toilet, you lose water pressure?! So it's like, "Sorry, the dishwasher is running. We have no fire protection."

Pause.

Engineer #2: Who flushes the toilet if their house is on fire?

700 West Capitol Avenue
Little Rock, Arkansas


Posted 2006-09-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM It All Started Back in My Mother's Fallopian Tube...

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Employee: You really want to know?
Boss: No.

Toledo, Ohio

Overheard by: jullylully


Posted 2006-09-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM That's Hardly a Reason. He Must Have Smelled Bad.

Customer: I would like to complain about the woman who works here. She was very rude to me for no reason, even yelling, and then made me leave.
Clerk: Are you the guy who was walking around naked?
Customer: Oh...ah, well... [Leaves quickly]

Porn store
Bozeman, Montana


Posted 2006-09-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM He Aced the Mixed Drinks Portion of the Bar Exam

Defense attorney: Objection, Your Honor. The prosecution continues to assert this witness is an expert but has offered no evidence to support the claim.
Judge: Sustained. Mr. Martin*, is this witness your expert?
Prosecutor: Yes, Your Honor.
Judge: Would you care to establish for the court why the witness is an expert in the field of pediatrics?
Prosecutor: Cause he...ummm...knows stuff?

State Court
Austin, Texas


Overheard by: Xen


Posted 2006-09-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM Who Wants to Work in a Dump Like This Anyway?

Manager: We're going to have to let you go.
Employee: I didn't do nothin'!
Manager: I personally caught you defecating into the employee bathroom sink.
Employee: The toilet was filthy!

95 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana


Overheard by: Shatmandu


Posted 2006-09-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM Yeah, They Have All Kinds of Crap

Female suit: This chair is too high. My feet barely touch the floor. I should order a step stool from the Office Supplies Department. Do you have the catalog?
Male suit: They have stool samples in there?

3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey


Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer


Posted 2006-09-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM Spice Girls: 'No Problem!'

Salesperson: They don't have to know what they want. They just have to tell me what they want.

2299 Ridge Road
Greenville, South Carolina


Overheard by: dying a slow death


Posted 2006-09-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM NewsFlash: Crime Wave Linked to Font Addiction!

Co-Worker: Fonts are like my heroin.

820 West Superior Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio


Posted 2006-09-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM He Runs a Brothel

Supervisor: Different day, same shit.
Employee: That's my favorite saying! "Different day, same shit."
Supervisor: We probably shouldn't swear; I don't want to offend the customers.
Employee: Probably.
Supervisor: You know what my favorite saying is? "Fuck that!"

Mount Prospect, Illinois


Posted 2006-09-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM Would You Like to Sue Maury? Because We Can Help You There.

Receptionist on phone: Hello, law offices...Excuse me? I think you have the wrong number. This is a law office. No, this law office has nothing to do with the Maury Show. Sir, you know, I really think you have the wrong number...No, our number is nothing like that...Well, I don't know, are you drunk? Really? Well, good for you...Okay, well, good luck in getting through to Maury.

350 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York


Posted 2006-09-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM He Has Those Shifty Eyes

Teacher: "Uncertain." What does "uncertain" mean?
7-Year-Old boy: Like you're not sure about it?
Teacher: Good! What's an example of something you're uncertain about?
7-Year-Old boy, after thinking for a moment: God.

1554 Sepulveda Boulevard
Los Angeles, California


Posted 2006-09-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM The Scary Thing Is, I Agree With Both of Them

Male co-worker: It just ticks me off that Elmo is more popular than Grover. My other job was really boring, and one day I was fantasizing...
Female co-worker, interrupting: I think we've heard enough.

20890 Kenbridge Court
Lakeville, Minnesota


Overheard by: Gigi


Posted 2006-09-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM Guy Laroche, Guy de Maupassant...

Local public radio reporter: Nurse Smith* is reponsible for the health of over 2,000 students in the school district, but she seems to know many of them individually and calls them by name as she passes them in the hallway.
School nurse, to kids: Hey, guys.

Chapel Hill, North Carolina


Posted 2006-09-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM Working in the Magic 8-Ball Factory

Executive: Is it okay if I take the intern with me to the meeting tomorrow?
Assistant: Sure.
Executive: Are you the person I ask about that?
Assistant: No.

Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Not the person either


Posted 2006-09-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM She Knows Where Jimmy Hoffa Is, Though

Desk assistant: So what happens if we go on strike? Do we not come to work?

CBS Broadcast Center, 524 West 57th Street
New York, New York


Overheard by: This is the future of network news


Posted 2006-09-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM Jeez, You Don't Leave Me Much Room to Maneuver

Co-Worker #1: Hey, I got a new joke. Anyone want to hear it?
Co-Worker #2: Not if it involves poop.
Co-Worker #3: Or chickens.

Washington, DC

Overheard by: disturbed


Posted 2006-09-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM He Just Doesn't Have the Underwearwithal

Woman: I haven't talked to Henry* in a week. I'm through with him.
Man: Why? What happened?
Woman: He's sooo selfish. He took the last t-shirt out of my drawer and wore it.
Man: That's it? Dumped him over a t-shirt?
Woman: I texted him and told him we're through.
Man: Wow. Dumped over a Hanes.
Woman: Yep. Infidelity I forgave, but don't take my last goddamned t-shirt out of my fuckin' drawer. Selfish!

45 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana


Overheard by: Shatmandu


Posted 2006-09-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM Which Is the Legal Definition of 'Best Lawyer'

Boss man: We need a lawyer to handle this. If it were 5 years ago, I'd call my brother. He was the one of the best lawyers in the country, but he can't help me anymore because he's been disbarred.

Midtown
New York, New York


Posted 2006-09-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM Why Generation Y Already Out-Earns Generation X

Assistant: You ever do something repeatedly--so much, that you're like, "Whoa, this isn't real. I'm not doing this!"?
Intern: Umm...
Assistant: Like, when you're staring at your face in the mirror for so long that you're like, "Whoa! That's not my face! This isn't real!" Hasn't that ever happened to you?
Intern: No. That's usually when I stop drinking.

900 2nd Street NE
Washington, DC


Posted 2006-09-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM Who Among Us Can Say They Haven't Run That Search?

Employee #1: I don't think she got fired.
Employee #2: Yeah, but when they cleaned out her computer they found the search terms "anal, Ann Coulter" quite frequently.

18 Passaic Avenue
Fairfield, New Jersey


Overheard by: thanks for blocking aim, douchebags


Posted 2006-09-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM Luckily All the Prejudice is Concentrated in Mississippi, Where We Can Keep an Eye on It

Co-Worker: You should move to Mississippi, so your children won't have to go to school with all those black kids. But people in Mississippi are really prejudiced though...

Memphis, Tennessee


Posted 2006-09-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM What the Fire Said

Guy over PA system: May I have your attention please. There has been a fire reported in the building.
Co-Worker: Well, that's just an excuse to go smoke.

East 13th Street
Cleveland, Ohio


Overheard by: blocking the exit


Posted 2006-09-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM That's My Kind of Morning Update!

Staffer #1: Well, thanks, everyone, for not telling me my fly was open.
Staffer #2: Your fly was open?
Staff #1: Yes. I just now looked down, and there it was, wide open! You didn't notice?
Staffer #2: Well, I don't spend a large portion of the day staring at your crotch.
Staffer #3: Yeah, I only do it during our morning update meetings.

10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina


Posted 2006-09-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM Oh! If I'd Known, I Would've Brought My Brain.

VP: Hi! Nice to see you. I hope we'll be meeting soon!
Ad agency rep: Yes, like right now? Since that's why we're here.

Central Park South
New York, New York


Posted 2006-09-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM He Should Ask to Speak to a Buddhist CSR, Fluent in the Language of Reincarnation

Heated caller: So let me understand this: if I die, I get $100,000?
CSS rep: No. If you pass, your beneficiary will receive $100,000.
Heated caller: But it is my money. I am paying the premium for it. I should be able to get my money. Why can't I have my money?!
CSS rep: Because you will be dead, ma'am.
Heated caller: That's ridiculous. I want to speak with a manager.

1 Sartan Way
Merrimack, New Hampshire


Overheard by: CSS Nightmare


Posted 2006-09-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM Mom, Don't Even Mention the Hoo-Hoo Zone

Mother: Sweetie, do you need to pee-pee?
3-Year-Old girl: Mom, why do you call it that? It's piss!

12350 Jefferson Avenue
Newport News, Virginia


Posted 2006-09-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM What Would Jesus Eat?

Manager: You know, people a long time ago, people like Jesus, they weren't fat.

2904 Rodeo Park Drive East
Santa Fe, New Mexico


Overheard by: in the office next door


Posted 2006-09-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM There Are Two Schools of Parenting, But Only One Wins Football Games

Guy #1: I can't believe parents starve their kids to make weight for football! I mean, what would you say to your kid?
Guy #2: "You better make weight, you fat little bitch!"

Louisville, Kentucky

Overheard by: CB


Posted 2006-09-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM It's Their Wellness Program

General manager: Feeling better today?
Waitress, laughing: Oh, yes!
General manager: Why are you laughing?
Waitress: Oh, it's nothing.
General manager: No, tell me!
Waitress: I can't!
General manager: Is it girl stuff?
Waitress: No.
General manager: Well, then tell me!
Waitress: Ok. I'm feeling better because I got really fucking stoned last night.
General manager: Dopehead.

Beaumont, Texas


Posted 2006-09-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM Then What Kind of Tree Would You Be?

Lawyer: So, he was all like, "But I'm a cabinet maker." And I was like, "But what if you were a brain surgeon..."

111 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas


Overheard by: Neither a cabinet maker nor a brain surgeon


Posted 2006-09-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM Plus, They Poop All Over Your Suit

Male co-worker: I don't understand why taking your baby on your lap in an airplane is such a bad idea.
Female co-worker: Dude, what if you crash? That can't be safe.
Male co-worker: You're right, I guess. Babies probably don't make great flotation devices.

590 North Shore Drive
Milwaukee, Wisconsin


Overheard by: Ashley


Posted 2006-09-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM Dressing in Hefty Bags Gives You a Certain Latitude

Female cubicle-dweller: Good news! Remember that smell I kept smelling but couldn't find? That garbage smell? It was me!

1009 Lenox Drive
Lawrenceville, New Jersey


Posted 2006-09-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM It's Always Happy Hour Somewhere

Admin on phone: I'm sorry, that person has left for the day. We close at 5 PM.
Caller: Well, it's only a little after 4 here, so does that mean that I, like, have to call you in your time zone?
Admin: Uh, well, yes. Yes, you do...

Mount Desert Island, Maine

Overheard by: snoopervisor


Posted 2006-09-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM How to Tell If Your Co-Worker Is Actually a Robot

Male exec: I won't be able to be at the pitch. My grandfather died.
Female exec: Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Male exec: It's okay, I still have my other grandfather.
Female exec: That's why you have two children, right? If one of them dies, you've still got the other one, so it's not so sad.

Dreamworks, 100 Universal Plaza
Universal City, California


Overheard by: Shrek


Posted 2006-09-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us


Read the Previous Month's Quotes!