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September 2006 Archives
5PM The Human-Powered Watercraft Speed Record Is a Seductive Mistress
Girl #1: It's like that kid that was kidnapped for all those years, and then they found him and he was back with his family... but then he died a few years later in a boatorcycle accident.
Girl #2: A boatorcycle accident?
Girl #1: I meant motorcycle.
Girl #2: Yeah, I was gonna say... if he was boatorcycling it would have been his own fault. I mean, he shouldn't have been boatorcycling.
Girl #1: I know!
4310 Sherwoodtowne Boulevard
Mississauga, Ontario, Canada
4PM So White She Doesn't Know What's Happened to the N-Word
White girl: Jesus, I just got called a nigger!
Filipino girl: What? On your break?
White girl: Yeah! And by a black person. Homeless. Wouldn't give her money. I'm about as cracker as you get... total whitey. I mean, I'm wearing Banana Republic.
1900 Broadway
Oakland, California
3PM Nope, Just Thought You Might Need Help Getting That Desk onto Your Truck
Assistant: Are you stealing things already?
Marketing rep: Are you saying that because I'm black?
9401 West Brown Deer Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: T
2PM And Leaving Early from Happy Hour to Shoot Heroin into My Eyelids
Dude #1: I quit smoking last week.
Dude #2: How's that going?
Dude #1: Well, I'm leaving early to go drinking.
St. Louis, Missouri
1PM I Dare You to Ask If He Has a Navel
Suit: Jim's* door is locked. Is he not here?
Woman #1: No, his mother's in the hospital.
Suit: Damn!
Woman #1: Not very synthetic, is he.
1500 John F. Kennedy Boulevard
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Not synthetic, very real
12PM You'll Be Surprised and You Won't Even Know It!
Employee: I'm totally gonna sneak up on you when you're not here.
575 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Thompson
11AM You Also Gotta Refrain From Calling it 'The Gerbil'
Sales guy #1: You're nasty!
Sales guy #2: I'm not the one that took the pictures on that site.
Sales guy #1: I'm not the one that's talking about shaving my gerbil!
Sales guy #2: Oooh... You gotta shave the gerbil. You GOTTA.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM EEOC's Favorite Kind of Testimony
Employee: OH, SOMEONE TOOK A PICTURE OF THE COCK AGAIN!... Only it doesn't have sunglasses anymore.
101 Hillpointe Drive
Canonsburg, Pennsylvania
9AM My Soul Has Filed for Chapter 11
Manager #1: So how'd that meeting go? Are you still morally bankrupt?
Manager #2: Why, yes! Yes, I am!
750 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Emilio Lizardo
5PM In Fact He's a Boatman on the Alimentary Canal
Account manager: He's anal, all right. The wrong end of anal.
Powers Ferry
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM He Said I Was Cold and Unfeeling, And Made Abrupt Transitions
Boss: Sorry about being slow with the orders this summer. I was depressed and almost left my husband. Moving on, I have now ordered some new backpacks for us to sell.
North Washington
Scranton, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Becky
3PM And So Is My Other Mom -- And My Dad
Distressed eleven-year-old boy: Ms. B., Aaron called my mom gay and she is gay!
School
Poway, California
2PM And Stick It up His Nose
Lady: What's his new obsession with cocaine? Is that, like, his new drug of choice or something? 'Cause I'm telling you, I'm about ready to have this baby just to spite him.
1548 Lee Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Fin
1PM Marx Predicted This
Little girl, to employee making a purchase: You can't shop here! You're supposed to work! You're not people!
801 North Congress Avenue
Boynton Beach, Florida
12PM If I'm Ever Too Old to Chuckle at the Phrase 'Do It,' Pull the Plug
Man: It's OK. We can still do it in my office.
Woman: That sounds fantastic.
Route 9
Wellesley Hills, Massachusetts
Overheard by: twelve step
11AM And It Took Him Three Days to Get Over It
First-grade teacher: CHARLES! Give me those! Those are NAILS! Nails are unsafe and do not belong in your hands.
Student: Pshhh, unless you're JESUS!
New York, New York
Overheard by: i want to adopt this kid
10AM You Can't Let People Get Away with Basing Their Lives on '80s Movies
Security guard: I walked in on him making love to a mannequin, so I kicked the shit out of him.
Hazeldean Mall
Kanata, Ontario, Canada
9AM Natural Selection Fires Off a Warning Shot
Manager: Ow, shit shit fuck shit.
Peon: What's wrong?
Manager: I accidentally ironed my arm this morning, and now it hurts every time I touch anything with it.
1180 Jefferson Road
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: Cube Farm Worker #5823457
5PM For Your Comfort and Safety, Remember That Kids Are Pretty Literal
School social worker, to kindergartner on lap: So what happened right before you ran out of your classroom?
Kindergartner: I'm peeing.
Social worker: What do you mean, you're peeing?
Kindergartner: I'm peeing.
Social worker: [jumps up, displaying huge wet spot on her pants]
Kindergartner: I TOLD you I was peeing.
5130 Roxbury Road
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Fair warning given
4PM Lifting, Puking, and Shooting: The Lloyd Roid Story
Designer: I can't find a photo to represent personal trainers. The only stock images we have are too creepy. Look kind of like an after-school special.
Writer: Like a molesting-kids after-school special? Or the kind about bulimia?
Designer: A cross between those and the ones about steroids.
Creative director: Oh. That sounds OK. Use whatever you guys have.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
3PM Empiricist Cooking Has Its Limitations
VP: But how will we make grilled cheese?
Drone: With the toaster oven.
VP: Well, I never, you'll have to show me how to use it.
Drone: Have you used a toaster?
VP: Yes!
Drone: Have you used an oven?
VP: YES!
Drone: Then you can use a toaster oven.
VP: Well, I have never seen such a thing.
Benzing Road
Orchard Park, New York
2PM In Practice, the Principle of Universal Brotherhood Causes Nothing but Confusion
Supervisor: So you and your brother have different fathers, then?
Worker: Yeah.
Supervisor: So you guys are related through your mom.
Worker: Naw, not really.
Supervisor: Wait, so how are you guys related, then?
Worker: I dunno. We're just brothers.
3901 Via Oro Avenue
Long Beach, California
Overheard by: bored on first day of work
1PM He'll Marry the First Girl Who Says 'Yes'
Sales chick, holding sales order: How big is this part? Can it go UPS or does it need a skid?
Warehouse guy: Oh, no, that one is real small. It could fit up my nose.
Sales chick: Um... OK, moving on... They asked for this part a week ago, so I'm going to have it ship today instead of with their large order. Thanks!
Warehouse guy, sticking finger up his nose: Are you sure you don't want to see how big it is?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM And of Course He Was There at the Time
Bimbo: She really didn't betray him other than sleeping with someone else.
1300 Riverside Avenue
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: dazed and confused
11AM She Doesn't Like Doing Either, She Just Likes Talking About Them
Nerd #1: All Brittney* talks about is food and sex.
Nerd #2: Yeah, what do you think she likes doing more: talking about eating while having sex, or talking about fucking while having lunch?
333 Pfingsten Road
Northbrook, Illinois
Overheard by: deltar
10AM The Violence Is Good, But I Always End Up Married to Some Vietnamese Girl
Male interviewer: So where are you from?
Female applicant: I'm from here, but all my family is from Vietnam.
Male interviewer: Yeah? My ex-wife is from Vietnam. Ever since that war over there, I haven't really been a fan of wars, ya know?
Doc Green's, Cumberland Boulevard
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM In the Same Way That Humans Are Made of 'Long Pig'
Dad: What are birds made of?
Little girl: Chicken?
505 Broadway
Scottsbluff, Nebraska
Overheard by: Chicken soup
5PM I Clung to the Ceiling Until the Board of Regents Granted Me Tenure
Japanese professor: The peroxides are very volatile. If you drop them, we have to be out of the building before they hit the floor.
Grad student: I won't drop them.
Japanese professor: And only Japanese ninja can move that fast.
Grad student: OK.
Japanese professor: I am well trained in the art of the ninja.
10900 Euclid Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
4PM Charging Extra for Stupidity Could Turn the Country's Finances Around in a Year or Two
Intercom: Welcome to Popeye's. Can I take your order?
Woman: Yes, I'd like a Number 2 with a Sprite, please.
Intercom: That will be $8.43... mild or spicy?
Woman: Yes.
Intercom: Mild or spicy?
Woman: Yes, please.
Intercom: [laughter]
Woman: What? What?
Intercom: That will be $41.23.
Popeye's
Waldorf, Maryland
3PM And Kindergartners Have Way Better Drugs
Mother: They're trying to hold him back again. He's been in preschool twice already. Preschoolers are dull and boring!
The Loop
Chicago, Illinois
2PM He Prefers Rooms with Lots of Light
Student: I hate going to the weight room. Those weights are heavy.
School
Texas
Overheard by: dan
1PM And What Could I Cover It With?
Customer: What's this called?
Sales associate: A duvet cover.
Customer: No, no... what's inside it?
Sales associate: A duvet.
IKEA
Costa Mesa, California
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
12PM No, I Have a Plane Ticket and a Shovel
Lady #1: I'm saving myself for Mozart.
Lady #2: That's going to be quite a wait, honey.
Santa Fe, New Mexico
Overheard by: Sarah
11AM Please Hold It Up So I Can See It
CSR: Thank you for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Customer: I'm calling about my bill.
CSR: OK, which bill are you calling about?
Customer: The one I received.
3445 North M-291 Highway
Independence, Missouri
10AM For Murphy, It's Skywriters or Nothing
Suit: It's been a big thing. I've sent a bunch of emails about it.
Boss: Yeah, I've ignored them. Sorry.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: It's not my project
9AM She Stole a Kid from a Gay Couple? That Is Low
Intern: Candace's* mom is sixty-five! And she's had seven kids from, like, eight different guys.
1325 East-West Highway
Silver Spring, Maryland
Overheard by: mathwizrd
5PM 'So Peaceful You Could Cut It with a Knife,' I Said
Circulation clerk: I was talking to her about how peaceful it is in here, and now she's going to go get a knife.
1035 North Treat Avenue
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Volks
4PM She's Either Got a Really Short Spine or Is Crouching on Her Heels
Male coworker: What are those? Are they thighs?
Female coworker: No, they're breasts. Ginormous breasts!
555 West 57th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Lindsay
3PM Well, You Guys Are the Engineers, So If You Say It Needs to Be Made out of Platinum...
Tech: So do you think that we should go for this project?
Boss: Absolutely. The client is ridiculously stupid, but they are open-minded.
Bishopsgate, London
Overheard by: whyamIhere?
2PM She Couldn't Find the Container of White Powder
Blond barmaid: What's in a whiskey and coke?
Pesto Café
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: retired from the service industry
1PM No, You've Just Got Those Little Wings on Your Lapel
Customer: By chance, was your mom a flight attendant?
Employee: Why, do you think you're my dad?
Costa Mesa, California
Overheard by: Still laughing now
12PM Made from 100% USDA Grade A Cops
Temp: All the food here is good, especially the bacon. I mean, this is real bacon, not the kind you buy at the store.
Culinary school
Pasadena, California
Overheard by: I'm surrounded by idiots
11AM The Resident's Box Has Always Been Public
Resident: Patient was seen today at his home. He's still complaining that the beams from Oregon are bothering him, but he said they aren't affecting him too badly right now. In fact, he said that they don't affect men too much in general - it's really women who should be worried about the beams, especially, he said, when they're aimed at women's private boxes.
Social worker: Did you just say private boxes?
Psychiatric clinic
Tulsa, Oklahoma
10AM She Found Ways to Entertain Herself on Her Last Day at Work
Customer #1: Does the brownie pie have nuts on it?
Waitress: No.
Customer #2: Why do you want to know if it has nuts on it?
Customer #1: Because I don't like nuts on my dessert.
Waitress: Do you like nuts on your chin?
Parkland Plaza
Cayce, South Carolina
Overheard by: Trying not to choke
9AM And Just Like That, the Headache Was Gone
Coworker #1: Will you come over and put a cold compress on my head?
Coworker #2: Sure, what do you want me to wear?
355 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: BiPolar
5PM And Apparently There's Also This Other Thing? Called Panties?
Girl: Omigosh, I learned something today. Did you know that bras have an adjustable strap? Well, the one I'm wearing today was always loose and showing my boobies a little, but then I adjusted the strap, and whoa, let me tell ya, my boobs are like five feet higher in the air, and they are fully covered.
Career Center
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: azn
4PM The Quality-Control Spies Never Catch Anyone with This Question
Customer: Do you sell cards?
Hallmark employee: Yes. Yes, we do.
The Hallmark Store
Manhattan, Kansas
Overheard by: Fellow Hallmark Employee
3PM Oh, See, That One Was Way Too Detailed
Employee on phone: And how do you know her? And... how... do... you... know... her?... AND... HOW... what do you mean, "Ask less detailed questions"?
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: prefekt
2PM Then Why Are You Selling It?
Cashier: Ma'am, you do realize there's a fire ban in effect that includes charcoal grills?
Customer: Oh, I thought that was only for the locals.
City Market
Buena Vista, Colorado
Overheard by: One of the locals
1PM And She Was So Smart for Figuring That Out
Girl: Did you notice the way their baby looked?
Guy: Um, yeah.
Girl: It's because she didn't do drugs or alcohol when she was pregnant. It makes a big difference, you know? That's why the baby is so smart.
Tulsa, Oklahoma
12PM But on That Note, What's Your Availability?
Customer: Wow, you must be in high demand this time of year.
Employee: I guess so.
Customer: Oh, I meant the store. Not you.
Columbia, Maryland
Overheard by: party rental stores are no party
11AM The Tweedle Boys Go to College
Teacher: All right, then, so what are some of the languages that influenced the English language?
Student #1: Canadian!
Student #2: You're dumb. This is Brit Lit... so obviously, British influenced the English language.
4771 Campus Drive
Irvine, California
10AM Why Rome Fell
Employee on phone: My buddy just told me this story about how his wife was so drunk last weekend in a high-end club in the Hamptons, and she ran to the bathroom to puke but never fully made it to the toilet. On top of that, as she was puking everywhere, turns out she was also shitting herself. So now the whole club had to be closed down because it smelled like shit and puke. Isn't that hysterical?
Boss walks in.
Employee to boss: Hey, do you know this club?
Boss: Yeah, I actually went there last Saturday night, but we left immediately because it smelled like shit and vomit.
60th Street & Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: holding-it-in
9AM You Dope. What Are the Odds It Could Be Anybody Else?
Genius on phone: Hey, man... what's going on? So I heard that two cops shot a dude, and I was just wondering if it was you.
44th Street & Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Speechless
5PM She's Adopted, So It Isn't His Fault
Guy: I'm looking for my daughter. She was going to meet us at McDonalds, but it's closed, so I need to tell her.
Woman: Oh, is she a very pretty girl?
Guy: Not really.
Woman: Oh.
1535 Bacharach Boulevard
Atlantic City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Lauren