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August 2006 Archives
5PM And You're 'About' the Most Intelligent Woman I've Ever Met
Male co-worker: Check out this photo.
Female co-worker: This is an old photo of you.
Male co-worker: Yeah, it was taken around 1991.
Female co-worker: Wow! That was about 27 years ago!
6606 Tussing Road
Reynoldsburg, Ohio
Overheard by: Someone that can add & subtract
4PM Who's on (Safety) First?
Receptionist: Hello! Thank you for calling Avon Safety*, where safety comes first. How may I direct your call?
Voice #1: How do I direct the call?
Voice #2: [indecipherable]
Voice #1: I don't know. That's all it says...
Receptionist: Hello? This is not a recording.
Voice #1: She said it's a recording.
Receptionist: No! This is not a recording! Hello?
Voice #1: What do I do?
Voice #2: Hang up.
Avon, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Fae
3PM I Will Now Return to My Reverie, Already in Progress
Lawyer on phone: Ya know, I wasn't really paying attention to what you were saying, but I am leaning towards agreeing with you.
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: IWNDRY
2PM Well, You and I Could Still Meet
Manager: So, the meeting is cancelled.
Office hoochie: And I put a clean thong on for this!
1950 Broadway
Oakland, California
Overheard by: mcbutters
1PM I'm Pretty Sure Mel Gibson Has Barely Touched His Copy
Young office worker: I need some Catholic classes or something. I get all confused about the Bible characters and Jesus.
Manager: Why not go to church? Or maybe when you go to college, they'll have a Bible study. Lots of kids do that.
Young office worker: I need something before then. I need Jesus for Dummies so I can catch up!
365 West Passaic Street
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: the cubicle right outside
12PM Oh, Okay. Tweetie.
Teen girl, holding a bag with a dead bird inside: My grandfather called earlier about getting this bird checked for West Nile virus. He found it in his yard.
Office clerk: Ok, I remember talking to him this morning. I need to get some information from you first. Now, what was his name?
The girl's eyes get big, and she looks at the bag.
Office clerk: No, not the bird's name. I need to know your grandfather's name.
616 Court Street
Oberlin, Louisiana
Overheard by: Vicky
11AM And Blackmail? That Pretty Legal, Also?
Lawyer: Put your John Hancock on these documents, please.
Daughter: You sure this is legal? I mean, with me being your kid and all?
Lawyer: It is very legal. Far more legal than any of the drugs you have experimented with on my credit card.
Broad Street
Louisville, Georgia
10AM I Still Say Mother Teresa Was a Rock Star
Manager on phone: She was a nun. No, she was a nun! She was a nun! She was! She was a nun! A nun!!
330 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Send in Jack Bauer!
Dad: Honey, where's your teddy bear?
3-year-old girl: Oh, the terrorist are hiding him.
Overlake Hospital
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Nurse says what
5PM Because God Know Mine Am Bad
Manager: We're hiring another producer in Quebec. And one thing that I think we all agree on is that his English has to be very, very well.
180 Varick Street
New York, New York
4PM Tell Me What You Think 'Pornography' Is
Salesgirl: Wait, you know Pete*? Oh my God! You have to tell him that I miss jumping on the bed and making pornography with him. He'll know what I mean.
L Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Curious Kat
3PM Time Is Cheap in Indiana
Man at photo kiosk: I just finished sending my selections and edits through, and then it froze.
Worker: Hmm. Locked up. Happens a lot. All the info is gone, unfortunately.
Man: I spent 45 minutes here, doing this.
Worker: I'm sorry. Here's a $3-off coupon for next time.
Man: Three bucks for 45 minutes?
Worker's cell phone rings. He walks away.
Avon Target
Avon, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
2PM Or Tommy Lee
Female employee #1: ...so if the sun exploded seven minutes ago, we wouldn't know it yet, because it takes eight minutes for the sun's light to reach us.
Male employee: That's depressing! What would you do in those seven minutes?
Female employee #1: If I were at work? Have sex.
Male employee: Isn't that's a lot of pressure on the guy?
Female employee #1: Please. Guys are usually all, "Gimme two minutes!"
Female employee #2: You could do three guys in that time!
Female employee #1: Three and a half!
Boulevard Sacré Coeur
Gatineau, Quebec
Overheard by: Sara
1PM It's Amazing He Can Be Such a Good Lawyer, Despite Being Blind
Female staffer #1: You know what David* said to me? He said, "In case you know anyone who's having a vasectomy, I have some advice for you to give them." And then he told me about how they gave him a jock strap to wear after his surgery to keep everything in place, but that the one they gave him was too small. And I said, "David! I don't want to hear any more!" But he kept talking about how uncomfortable it was to wear a jock strap that was too small for him after having his vasectomy. I was afraid he was going to start describing exactly how his balls were getting squeezed.
Female staffer #2: See, that's a perfect example of how David is always so passive. If he weren't so passive, he'd just say, "I want everyone to know I'm hung like a horse."
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
12PM Canadians Keep Zoloft in the Water Supply For Moments Like This
CSR on speakerphone: Hey, when am I going to get my email fixed? I have things that I need to send out to clients.
IT guy: Oh, yeah, we sent you an email requesting some more information. We need you to send that email back before we can fix your issue...Hello? Are you sending that email?
CSR disconnects the call.
CSR: I'm going on break now.
1616 27th Avenue NE
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
11AM Cheap Dinner Dates?
Loud secretary: What do you call people who are from Dutch?
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hiding in cubicle
10AM When It Gets Wedged Under a Bridge Abutment, Don't Come Crying to Me
Customer rep: Hey, it's 112 inches tall. Is that legal?
Truck rep: No.
Customer rep: Well, we're doing it anyway.
1368 Old Fannin Road, Suite 400
Flowood, Mississippi
Overheard by: the Intern
9AM Learn to See Delay as a Gift of Time
Tech: Are you all set on the pdf server now?
Client: Yes, I think so. Is it supposed to be so fugging slow uploading pdfs onto the ftp site?
Tech: Yup! That's a feature.
Client: Neat. Thanks.
111 South 1st Avenue
Wausau, Wisconsin
5PM Try the Anisette Liqueur
Boy to mother: There isn't any licorice here!
Liquor Store, 1322 West 3rd Avenue
Spokane, Washington
Overheard by: Eric
4PM Two Words: Vasectomy, Vasectomy
A man holding a child's hand meets up with a woman holding another child's hand.
Man and woman, simultaneously: I thought he was with you!
Man, turning to go back inside: I told you this would happen if you let them outnumber us.
Outside Bloomingdale's, 59th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Kim Siddorn
3PM Is He Related to That Blonde Kid Who Plays Guitar on the Disney Channel?
Tech guy #1: Jimmy Carter's son has a MySpace page.
Tech guy #2: Who the hell is Jimmy Carter?
600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC
2PM They Prefer to Be Called...Um... Something Different This Year
Older woman #1: What are you going to do while you're here?
Young man: Oh, I'm gonna shop like a mofo!
Older woman #1: Mofo? What is that?
Older woman #2: What does that mean?
Young man: Uh...it, uh...means I'm gonna shop a lot!
Older woman #2: Oh...Is that a Negro term?
Victoria, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: J. Max
1PM Right Next to the 'Irony' Button
Customer, trying to use his debit card: I gotta push "English"? "Spanish" shouldn't be an option. If they can't speak no English, they ain't got no business being here. Where's the "yes" button at?
Cashier: It's the button that says "yes" on it.
Food Lion
Roanoke, Virginia
12PM And I'll Say, 'Harder, Slave'
Employee: It seems like there are a lot of new people working here.
Boss: Yes, sometimes I'll be leaving the building and will say to someone, "I don't know you," and they will say, "I work for you."
Elevator, 215 Michigan
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Rule of Thumb: Don't Hire Anyone Who Has Ever Performed a Mortal Kombat Move in Real Life
Applicant, explaining multi-year gap in employment history: I got sent to jail for stabbing a guy twelve times, but it was bullshit.
Manager: Oh yeah?
Applicant: Yeah. I only stabbed him six times; I just had two knives in my hand. It was bullshit.
Manager: Hmm. I see.
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
10AM They Say, 'Come Talk to Us When the Dead Answer You'
New-Age employee: Yeah, my granddaughter is an Indigo Child. She can talk to the dead. But, if you ask me, her parents really aren't doing enough with her talent.
1712 Spring Garden Street
Greensboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Atheist cashier in the wrong line of work
9AM Where Do You Think I'm Calling You From?
Boss on speaker phone: So I need you to give me those files, like, in five minutes.
Employee: Um.
Boss: I'm serious. I want them in my hand in five minutes.
Employee: You know that I work at home, right?
Boss: So?
Employee: So I live forty-five minutes away from your so-called "office"...Speaking of which, did you ever get that toilet out of the hallway?
3207 Hayloft Court
Frederick, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
5PM Colorado: It's Out of This World (Allegedly)
Worker #1: Oh, didn't I tell you I'm moving to Colorado?
Worker #2: Really? When?
Worker #1: I leave next week, but I decided I would move to Colorado when I was six. That's when I heard John Denver sing "Rocky Mountain High."
Worker #2: That's why you're moving to Colorado?
Worker #1: Well, and because it's so hot here because of all the global warming going on. You know, they don't have that in Colorado.
Fairfield County, Connecticut
Overheard by: she actually is moving
4PM They Should Get Married
Giddy woman: You like alcohol, don't you?
Not-So-Giddy woman: I like when everyone around me's drunk. It makes my life easier.
Giddy woman: I like when I'm drunk. It makes my life easier.
10 Exchange Place
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: 3rd cubicle to the left
3PM He's Fated to Become the Regional Manager
Employee: Fuck you very much for calling Blockbuster; how may I abuse you?...Oh, hi, Bill* [regional manager]...Yeah, today's my last day.
Blockbuster
Del Mar, California
Overheard by: Petyr
2PM We Tell Them Americans Are Fat Monsters. Is That What You Meant?
Trainer: In America, when our kids don't finish their meals we tell them that there are starving kids in Africa. What do you tell them?
Clients from Kenya: [Silence]
Cafeteria, Hazina Towers, 258 Monrovia Street
Nairobi, Kenya
1PM An Employee You Can Almost Count on
Interviewer: So, how would you say you handle changes in the workplace?
Interviewee: Um...Oh! I'm really good with change. I used to work a cash register, and if the total came to $7.49 and they gave me a ten, I'd give them 3...no...$2.60...uh...$2.51!
Interviewer: Uh...okay!
Ames, Iowa
12PM Aren't Asians Supposed to Be Smart?
Interviewer: Have you ever had to deal with rude or irate clients over the telephone?
Asian interviewee: Yes, at my last job I had to call the USA, and you know how rude they can be.
Interviewer: Yes, I know all too well, considering I am American and so is this company. This interview is now finished. Try not to hit my car on your way out of the parking lot...You know how Asians can't drive!
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Elle (the other interviewer)
11AM It Cleans Those Leather-Belt Wounds Right Up
Loan officer: My husband's parents were married for 50 years.
Receptionist: What's the secret of being married that long?
Collector: Alcohol.
802 South Westnedge Avenue
Kalamazoo, Michigan
Overheard by: just passing by
10AM Taking the 'Vice' Out of 'Sleeping With the Vice-President,' One Rationalization at a Time
Woman #1: He had such a big penis.
Woman #2: Oh my God, that is so hot. Did you hear about Richard*?
Woman #1: But he is a subordinate! I am not cheating on my husband with a subordinate. It feels more guilty that way. At least I feel like I'm gaining more than pleasure from sleeping with the exec.
Main Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
9AM The Personal Is Political
Woman #1: Your boss asked you to be sure to attend the company party at a strip club!?
Woman #2: Yeah, what's so bad about that?
Woman #1: Well, you're going to be surrounded by naked, gyrating ladies, and that's sexist and outrageous!
Woman #2: Really? I was looking forward to seeing my sister.
630 East Lake
Chicago, Illinois
5PM You Don't Have to Be Dead to Work Here, But It Helps
Lawyer: Did you hear about Vanessa*?
Secretary: No. What about her?
Lawyer: Yeah, poor Vanessa. She woke up dead on July 4th.
Broad Street
Louisville, Georgia
4PM 'Steaming the Laundry,' From Page 949 of the Kama Sutra
Co-Worker: You need to preheat your hooha. This is too much.
Intern: We're still talking about the steaming the laundry, right?
Pickard Theater
Brunswick, Maine
Overheard by: grappling with zippers
3PM So Many Jobs Are Made Interesting Only By the Arbitrary Exercise of Petty Authority
Customer service person: I'll be right with you, ma'am. He was first.
Female customer: No, he wasn't.
Customer Service person: Yes, he was.
Male customer: No, I wasn't.
Customer service person: Yes, you were.
Bank of America
New York, New York
Overheard by: Stretch
2PM See the Gauloises, the Berets, and the Spacecraft?
Little girl, pointing to Coneheads DVD: Daddy, what's wrong with those people?
Dad: Oh, they're just from France.
Blockbuster, University Village
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: David in Seattle
1PM Just a Minute--I'll Czech
Customer: Hi, can I get hold of Czech crowns here?
Bank flunky: Uhh...What was his first name again?
ASB Bank, Great North Road
Auckland, New Zealand
12PM That's Different From What He Said Last Week at the Office Party
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Employee asks involved question.
Boss: You know what? I have a million questions that you cannot answer.
Employee: But you asked if anyone had any questions.
Boss: Yeah, and if I asked if anyone had to go to the bathroom, I wouldn't expect you to whip it out and take a whiz right here.
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Spacing Out
11AM I Will Need Additional Information to Arrive at a Decision
Exec: I'll be right back, so don't lock me out.
Cleaning lady: If I knew who the hell you were, maybe I'd consider it.
Exec: I'm the reason you have a job.
725 East 40th Street
Holland, Michigan
Overheard by: INTERN
10AM We're Still Trying to Get the Pope to Stop Using the Abacus
Techie: I'm sorry about the delay. We're using a new system, and I liked the old system. I'm a creature of habit and resist change.
Customer: Tell me about it; I'm with the Archdiocese.
555 International Way
Springfield, Oregon
9AM How to Get Put on Hold Until Your Kid's Out of Diapers
Staff: Hi, this is Happy Toddler, Inc.*, how can I help you?
Customer: I bought these Happy Toddler baby wipes yesterday and instead of a single wipe you'd expect to be protruding from the center so you can pull them out, this one I got had a bunch of wipes protruding out, looking like a hernia. I had to hold down the bulk of the wipes from the center. I had to get my tweezers and fish into the depths of the container and finally pull out a wipe.
Staff: Ok, ma'am. Can I put you on hold?
Perth, Western Australia
Overheard by: only hernia-ed it
5PM Your Testimony Is Highly Suspect
Designer: Here, just try it.
Writer: No.
Designer: Come on! Why are you being so stubborn?
Writer, shouting: I am not putting that in my mouth! It's all limp!
Pause.
Writer, shouting into hallway: I was talking about French fries!
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel
4PM Hello, I'm Your Tour Guide, Steve, Which Is French For 'Dumbass'
Tour guide: And this here is what we call a "grotto," from the French word for "water."
Secret Caverns
Cobleskill, New York
3PM And Welcome to the Federal Civil Service
Recent business school grad: You know, working for this company is not for the weak of heart. There is not a lot of recognition handed out to people.
Senior executive: Recognition? You want recognition? You are a dumbass. How's that?
Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario
Canadia
2PM Way-Too-Casual Friday
Co-Worker #1: I have to go expose myself to Bob* and Mike* in a meeting now.
Co-Worker #2: Maybe I should skip that meeting.
1701 North Collins Boulevard
Richardson, Texas
1PM Not Why I Went to Law School, But What Are Ya Gonna Do?
Criminal defense attorney: Leave me alone. I have to get back to work.
Peon: Why is that?
Criminal defense attorney: I have a client that might actually be innocent.
39 South LaSalle Street
Chicago, Illinois
12PM So Never Trust Anybody Mortal. Questions?
Employee: I had more security before when I worked for the manager that died.
Grocery store
Sarasota, Florida
Overheard by: Not Buying Meat
11AM Abigail Adams: Hellooo! That's What I Was Saying!
Postdoc: No, my landlord won't allow two people living in the apartment.
Grad student: But it's just your wife living with you.
Postdoc: Right.
Grad student: But wives don't count as people!
Carl Icahn Laboratory
Princeton, New Jersey
10AM Yes, in Prairie Schooners
Travel agent: Where were you looking to take a cruise to?
Client: Do they have cruises to Las Vegas?
Proctor Street
Tacoma, Washington
Overheard by: potitia
9AM Yeah, I Think the Nigerians Took that Over in the '50s
Co-Worker #1: So is Mumbai, like, a country that we do business with?
Co-Worker #2: No, it's a city! It used to be called Bombay before those imperialist American jerks finally pulled out and the native people got their land back.
Co-Worker #1: Oh. So it was Moscow that was the country I was thinking of?
Co-Worker #2: Probably.
323B 41st Avenue
Calgary, Canadia
5PM But You Will Need to Bring in a Wire So I Can Hang Myself Later
Desk clerk on phone: No, ma'am, you don't need a cable for the wireless network.
328 West Lane Avenue
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Amused, if I wasn't dealing with the same idiot
4PM Then I Got to Thinking That Maybe I Am Julie and Don't Know It
Co-Worker: Hello?
Voice on phone: Is Julie there?
Co-Worker: No. I'm sorry, but you have the wrong number.
Voice on phone: Oh, okay. Sorry.
Co-Worker: No problem.
Phone immediately rings again.
Co-Worker: Listen, man, you have the wrong number.
Voice on phone: Are you sure this is your number? I checked, and this is the same number that my friend Julie gave me. Could you call your number and ask her to call me back?
Co-Worker: Sure, just as soon as I get off the phone with you. [Hangs up phone] Jackass.
1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
3PM What If Your Co-Worker's an Asshole?
Assistant #1: What if you get a busy signal?
Assistant #2: That means it's busy.
Assistant #1, after a long pause: Thank you.
450 N Street
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Assistant #3
2PM Little Nipper Plans to Tuck
Mother: Tell your aunt what you want to be when you grow up.
2-Year-Old son: A plastic surgeon!
Mother: And why is that?
2-Year-Old son: Because Mommy needs work!
Miss Saigon Café
Hurst, Texas
Overheard by: needo
1PM Like So Many Things That Almost Make Sense, This Turns Out Not to Be True
Dumb girl: So if it is like 6 in California then it's like 6:30 in Nevada, right?
Dumber girl: No, Nevada's really close to Cali. It's probably only like 6:15.
6397 Springfield Mall
Springfield, Virginia
Overheard by: marshamellow
12PM Nobody Who Says 'Languish' Would Ever Get Promoted in the US
Boss: So, I have a problem with giving you the job, even though I know you can do it.
Worker: What's the issue?
Boss: You seem to be annoyed with us, and you're not upbeat enough after what happened.
Worker: What happened is that I lived the values, delivered on everything, then the organization totally screwed me over, gave my job to someone else, and left me to languish for a year with no certainty about my future. Now you're saying you can't give me another job because you've been such dickheads?
Boss: I know it sounds bad.
388 George Street
Sydney, Australia
11AM But It's That Kind of Go-Get-'em Attitude That Makes It So Hard For Me to Retire
Co-Worker #1: So, your last day is coming up, right?
Co-Worker #2: Yeah, thank God for that.
Co-Worker #1: I wonder who they will replace you with. Maybe the homeless guy on the street. I bet he could do as good as you.
Co-Worker #2: I'm not sure I like your style.
Santa Monica, California
10AM Get This Man a Job at Starbucks!
Math genius on the phone: It doesn't really matter to me. It's, like, 12 of one or half a dozen of the other.
333 2nd Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Over-qualified, obviously
9AM Maybe 'Shape It Up' Might Have Been More Appropriate
Employee: Can I help you find something?
Female customer: No...Actually, yes. I can't find any CDs by Devo.
Employee: Hm. What genre?
Girl: I would say rock, but...
Employee: D-I-V-O?
Girl: No, D-E-V-O.
Employee: That sounds really familiar. Let me go take a look. [Starts to turn]
Girl: Yeah, "Whip it!" [Makes whip crack motion]
Employee looks hurt and oblivious as he walks away.
1515 West Highway 114
Grapevine, Texas
5PM Should I Wait to Be Invited to the Celebration or Just Invite Myself?
Male employee to female employee: Now hold on. You just wait until I whip it right out...Then we can celebrate.
Nearby male co-worker: I feel so uncomfortable right now.
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: CB
4PM He Believes Chrysler Daimlered For Our Sins
Boss on the phone: What religion is he?...That makes sense that he drives a Jeep then.
Northbrook, Illinois
Overheard by: AHHH!!
3PM Michael Douglas Reprises His 'Greed Is Good' Speech From Wall Street
Broker on phone: Blame it on greed...Uh huh...No, I'm saying that greed is a well-known, widely accepted motivator, so just say it was greed. They'll understand.
10960 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Eavesdropper
2PM Sandi's Dead, But She Told Me Her Files Are in the Computer. Here's a Hammer.
Assistant: Do I need to do anything with this e-mail to Karen*?
Sales guy: No.
Assistant: Okay, I'm going to just drop it over into her folder and move on.
Sales guy: Okay, that's up to you.
Assistant: I save everything.
Sales guy: I like to delete. If I know you've saved it, I just delete it.
Assistant: Yeah, but what if my computer bursts into flames? Or what if I quit?
Sales guy: You? Quit? [laughs]
Assistant: You shouldn't laugh...
Sales guy: Oh.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM Why Rich Babies Get Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
Lady #1: I'm very tired. I went out last night.
Lady #2: Oh, did you have a lot to drink?
Lady #1: Of course not, I'm pregnant.
Lady #2: It's pretty bad to drink when you're pregnant.
Lady #1: Yeah, it's so expensive, and you've gotta save money to buy baby stuff.
Goulbourn Street
Sydney, Australia
12PM She's Charging 20 Dollars for the Answer. That Seems Reasonable.
Woman #1: What's 20 percent off of 90 dollars?
Woman #2: It'll cost 20 dollars.
Queen Street
Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: just doing my job
11AM NewsFlash: Truce Ending 100 Years' War Shattered!
Telephone customer: Hi, I need to find the international rates for calling to France.
Local phone operator: France? That's in England, right?
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: disbelief
10AM If We Don't Get Married, the Terrorists Win
Female patient: Oh! You're getting married next month?
Male patient: Trust me, you're better off joining the Army and getting sent to Iraq.
Waiting room, East 49th Street
New York, New York
9AM What Happens When Spell-Check Infiltrates Speech
Trainee: So, can you tell me why your mother can't walk?
Daughter: Her leg was amputated, and she can't walk on her prostate.
Home office
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: T
5PM It's Either That or Get One of Those Helper Monkeys
Editor #1: I have finger toes.
Photographer: You mean like long and bony?
Editor #1: Yeah, I can, like, pick stuff up with them.
Editor #2: Do you pinch people with them?
Editor #1: Yeah. I always pinch [my wife]. She hates it.
Editor #2: God is just preparing you for when you lose your arms.
333 North Meridian
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: fransen comes alive
4PM What Jesus Would Have Done
Man: Was this in DC?
Woman: No! It was in Maryland, where I live! Right behind my condo building! I was so upset!
Man: Huh.
Woman: If I had a gun, I tell you what: I would have shot him as he was running away. I was so upset. The little bitch would have been dead. [She exits the elevator] Have a blessed day!
5600 Fishers Lane
Rockville, Maryland
3PM She Unwittingly Picked Her Career on 'Opposite Day'
Very pregnant elementary school teacher: God, I hate screaming kids!
1 Raider Circle
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Fellow Teacher
2PM It's What She Would Want If She Weren't Selfishly Preoccupied With Her Little Personal Problems
Co-Worker #1: ...and who ordered the salad?
Co-Worker #2: Marie*, but she left for the day.
Co-Worker #1: Is she okay?
Co-Worker #2: I hope so. She was crying when she left. I guess the police called and said her 7-year-old daughter was a town over from where she was supposed to be, and no one knows where the sitter went.
Co-Worker #1: Oh, that's awful. [long pause] So you think that means I can eat her salad?
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Kate
1PM Teens Really Should Be Cleaning That Up Themselves
Female co-worker #1: So my ob-gyn has been seeing all these young girls for their annuals this summer. She was amazed at how much sex they're having. Like 2 to 3 times a day. She had to tell them they had to stop having intercourse for a month so the Pill could take effect, and they say, "What are we supposed to do all summer?" She was shocked.
Female co-worker #2: How old are these girls?
Female co-worker #1: She said they're between 17 and 20 years old.
Female co-worker #2: Geez. Even if I had time to have sex 2 times a day, I'd have better things to do!
Female co-worker #1: Yeah, like clean up after my teenagers!
Motor Vehicle Building
Trenton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Not getting any either
12PM She Waits on Her Roof For Aliens Every Night
Female cashier: Hey, is that your purple car out there?
Stock dude: Yeah, it is. The chicks love it.
Female cashier: I like it. I want a purple Probe.
Stock dude: Yeah...I heard that about you.
436 Southbridge Street
Auburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I heard that too.
11AM Thought I'd Rob Your Punk Ass, Is Why
Employee: Can I help you find something?
Customer: No, you don't have it.
Employee: Then why are you still here?
Northgate Mall
Seattle, Washington
10AM He's Still Using a Sundial
Boss: Call England and find out what time it is.
Assistant: Call who in England? England is 5 hours ahead of us, so it's 4:17 there.
Boss: Can you please listen to what I have to say and just call England? I need to be sure.
Assistant, two minutes later: I called England, and it's 4:19.
Boss: See, it pays to double check. You were 2 minutes off.
1345 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
9AM But a 99% Chance It Will Be Stupid
Director: For your baby shower, are people buying pink or blue?
VP: Blue. Doctor says there's a 50% chance it will be a boy.
San Fernando Boulevard
San Jose, California
5PM I Can't Answer That Until You Tell Me If You're Speaking English or Canadian
Executive assistant: Ooohh! Are you speaking Spanish or Mexican?
Hull, Quebec
4PM So, Similar to Washing Down a Whole Bottle of Tylenol With a Fifth of Jack Daniels
IT nerd #1: Well, it's kinda like when you are on shrooms.
IT nerd #2: Um...
IT nerd #1: Okay, well, same thing as LSD.
IT nerd #2: I have never tried that either.
IT nerd #1: Peyote?
IT nerd #2: No...
IT nerd #1: Mescaline?
IT nerd #2: I have never tried illegal drugs.
IT nerd #1: Okay, well, it's kinda like quickly drinking 8 or 9 bottles of NyQuil.
IT nerd #2: Oooohhh, okay. That I've done. Now I understand.
Elevator
2-3-14 Shinagawa-ku
Tokyo, Japan
Overheard by: Brian Milvid
3PM No, It's 'I Ripped Off My Nipples'
Employee #1: I waxed my chest last night, and I didn't have any more tape so I tried using duct tape.
Employee #2, laughing uncontrollably: Wait, wait, wait! I thought the punch line was "I waxed my chest last night"?!
Lynchburg, Virginia
Overheard by: Mike Oxlong
2PM Tonight on WWE Smackdown: Clash of the Bureaucrats!
FBI agent: Excuse me, I'm an investigator for the FBI. I would like a copy of a student's transcript.
Registrar: Ok. You need to pay a $7 transcript fee.
FBI agent: Uh. I don't think I need to pay that. I'm an investigator for the FBI.
Registrar: Everybody has to pay for a transcript.
FBI agent: I think I will have to speak to your supervisor.
Registrar: I'm sorry, but that's what the sign says.
John Jay College of Criminal Justice, 10th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Waiting next in line
1PM Error! Error! Does...Not...Compute...Error!
Female customer: Excuse me, what is this?
Guy behind counter: It's gazpacho soup.
Female customer: But it's cold.
Guy behind counter: It's supposed to be served chilled.
Female customer: But you said it was soup.
Hospital cafeteria
New York, New York
12PM Epitaph: 'Six Feet, Seven Inches'
Teen #1: How far do you think this sweat drop will fly if I smack it with a hammer?
Teen #2: Hey, yeah, like CSI! Your forehead is real sweaty; smack it first.
Habitat for Humanity build site
Mississippi Gulf Coast
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
11AM People Talk About Chipmunks Only on Planets Without Atmospheres
Co-Worker #1: Weather is the great conversational equalizer.
Co-Worker #2: Yeah.
Co-Worker #1: 'Cause every place has weather. And chipmunks. But nobody ever talks about chipmunks.
1593 Galbraith Avenue
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Playtah
10AM Yet Probably Just as Accurate
Receptionist: Hello, Ruddman* Media International...Excuse me? A heat index? I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about...Ruddman Media International...No, no this is not the weather channel.
3 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Why do I work here?
9AM Unless I Can Watch
Boss: You may not spend an hour in the bathroom.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
5PM Isn't That a Felony in Most States?
Boss: Wait, I have a question: they're fucking retarded!
Underling: That's actually not a question...
Boss: Whatever, they're still fucking retards.
13546 Rockland Road
Lake Bluff, Illinois
Overheard by: Victa G
4PM Some of That Is Just Normal Post-Culinary Sadness
Engineer #1: Drew*, you're having corned beef again?
Team leader: Yeah, I got a big piece of it and cooked it all at once.
Engineer #2: Did you get it at Costco? It's real cheap there.
Team leader: Yeah, but the thing that sucks is it shrinks when you put it in the oven. You're thinking you have a big piece of meat, and then you pull it out and you're all disappointed.
Deer Park, Illinois
Overheard by: office peon/cubicle monkey
3PM Those Will Cost Extra to Remove
Painter in room with painters' tape everywhere: Do you like the new colors?
Customer: I don't like the blue stripes.
Concord, New Hampshire
Overheard by: another painter
2PM The Big Hand Is on the Dumbass
Co-Worker #1: Are you going to the training class later today?
Co-Worker #2: No, I don't have to. I was grandfather clocked into the old training.
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
1PM Look Who's Talking, Dr. Vajayjay
Male nurse #1: I just thought of something. Wouldn't it be so embarassing being a gynecologist? What's your motivation? Man, that would just be so embarrassing.
Male nurse #2: Yeah, especially with your name, Dr. Beaver.
Geisinger Medical Center
Danville, Pennsylvania
12PM Stephen's Retroactive Skill With Metaphors Did Not Go Unnoticed in His Quarterly Review
VP: Yeah, and if we go over there, we could get all our stuff back. We have a whole bunch of equipment in China stuck in escargot.
Director: Um...You mean escrow?
VP: What did I say? Escargot? Well that works, too, since it's so slow in getting back to us.
Director: Sure it does.
45th Street and 9th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: melissa
11AM The Government Is Watching Him, But Only For Laughs
Clerk guy: Yeah, so we ordered a pizza last night, and the guy on the phone knew my address, get this, before I even told him!
Clerk girl: Don't they have caller ID or something?
Clerk guy: Man, I don't know. I was smoking a big one, and I was like, "Dude, whoa. I think the government is all watching me now."
Clerk girl: Um, probably not.
Clerk guy: Then explain to me how they knew my address and what kind of pizza I ordered last time! Explain that!
Kmart
Temple, Texas
Overheard by: Vicky
10AM I Quit, Asshole!...I Think It's a Jelly Glazed, But I Can't Tell For Sure.
Division chief: Why are you wearing a visitor pass? What happened to your badge?
Editor: Hey, fuck you, I brought in donuts!
Division chief: How dare you talk to me like that...Is that a Boston Cream?
Pentagon, 48 North Rotary Road
Arlington, Virginia
9AM Just Another Typical Day Here at the Department of Redundancy Department
Manager: What was the soup de jour of the day today?
Sterling Forest Road
Sterling Forest, New York
Overheard by: Mark D.
5PM And So You Can Shop Without Being Able to Count
Shopper #1: Like, look at this credit card. The numbers are raised. I wonder why they do that.
Shopper #2: It's like Braille or something. They do it so blind people can read the numbers.
Oviedo Marketplace Mall
Oviedo, Florida
4PM We're Going to Get Married in December, When it Has Some Time Off
Chain-Smoker, during heat wave: Smoking does keep you active and engaged with the heat.
750 Third Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Remind Me Again Why You're in Charge?
Employee #1: Do we have any Band-Aids in the back?
Manager, after long pause: Uh...I don't think so.
Employee #2: Oh, Susan* said we did. I need one.
Manager: Um...I'm pretty sure we don't, but I'll look.
After disappearing in the back for 5 minutes, manager comes back out to the register.
Employee #1: So there were none back there?
Manager: Nope.
Employee #2: I'm sure there are some. Not even in the first aid kit?
Manager, after another long pause: Oooh! Band-Aids! I thought you said, "Mayonnaise"!
Victoria's Secret
New Mexico
2PM I Can't Wait 'Til the Nuns Check!
Tween girl #1, going through underwear: Oh my God, so I could, like, totally get the blue ones and wear them on school spirit day!
Tween girl #2: Totally!
Victoria's Secret
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Becky
1PM When I Increased the Size of My...Facilities, He Was Unable to Make Inventory
Manager on phone: Yeah, I broke up with him...Yeah, he was okay...Yeah...Yeah...But he just didn't scale.
Silicon Valley, California
Overheard by: David
12PM He Bought It From This Little Old Lady Who Said She Had Trouble With Flooding
Female co-worker: My uncle just bought a condom in Brooklyn. It's a real nice place.
Male co-worker: Really?
Female co-worker: Uh huh.
99 Church Street
New York, New York
11AM You're Fired
Woman #1: I don't think I can handle a two-hour meeting.
Woman #2: The trick is to doodle in your notebook the whole time; it looks like you're taking notes.
Woman #1: I can design outfits for my cat rodeo!
330 South 3rd Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Cora
10AM God: 'I'd Like to Return This Woman, Please'
Customer: Hi, I'd like to make a return.
Cashier: Ok, do you have your receipt?
Customer: Yeah, here it is.
Cashier, after looking at receipt for a few seconds: Ma'am, this is from Walgreens.
Customer: Oh...[looks around the store in bewilderment] Where am I?
Longs Drugs
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
9AM Hey, That Loaf of Rye Was Totally Coming on to Me!
Boss: That's what I hate about these people who take the Bible literally: it's so pick and choose! What about all the parts where you get stoned for looking at bread the wrong way?
Print shop
Sunset Park, Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: milu
5PM Cuban Business Customs: The Short Course
Canadian: Is there anything I should know about Cuban business customs before we get started?
Translator: No.
Girl with tray of espressos walks in and hands one to each person.
Canadian: I don't drink coffee.
Translator: You do today.
Cuban Health Ministry
Havana, Cuba
Overheard by: Drank the coffee
4PM Goering Was Especially Tasty
Man: We're gonna make some bratwurst.
Woman #1: What's the difference between sausage and bratwurst?
Woman #2: Well, bratwurst is German.
Woman #1: So they're just German pigs?
Company picnic
Montclair, New Jersey
3PM Nothing in the KGB's Training Had Prepared Colonel Volkov For the Mystery of American Names
IT person: Usually the email address is just the first initial, then the employee's last name.
Salesguy: Oh, okay...What's John Smith's last name again?
Columbia, South Carolina
2PM NewsFlash: Hygiene Strikeforce Raids Filthy Apartment
Irate tenant on voicemail: I came home today, and someone was in my apartment...vacuuming...I feel so violated.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM ...Or to Geography Class
Nurse #1: You better grab that. It's leaning like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Nurse #2: Oh, I've never been to France.
339 Windermere Road
London, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Amanda
12PM That's the Special Benefit
Co-Worker, reading email: Can you believe this shit?! The nerve! "For those over 50, special healthcare benefits." Over 50! How can they send me this shit and...Oh, there's a free lunch. [Pause] Well, maybe I'll go.
Trinity Place
New York, New York
11AM It Took a Lawsuit For the Mob to Allow Secretaries to Whack People
Female co-worker: He gets all the good assignments! I had to spell. He gets to shoot people!
9th Street
Sheldon, Iowa
10AM Well, an IV, Some Sort of Modified Reciprocal Saw, a Rubber Hand, and a Lot of Lotion Ought to Do the Trick
General manager: Listen, if you guys can find a way for me to whack off another six months, that would be great.
12112 115th Avenue NE
Kirkland, Washington
9AM At the Annual Association of Homophobic Lexicographers Banquet
Intern #1: So is there a difference between homogenous and homogeneous?
Intern #2: Yes, one means "composed of one thing," and the other is, like, a gay Einstein or something.
Rayburn House Building
Washington, DC
Overheard by: the Best and the Brightest
5PM His Desk Plate Says 'I'd Rather Be Blistered'
Guy #1: Give me a break. I've been here since 6 AM!
Guy #2: Why would you do that to yourself?
Guy #1: Well, I've been a very bad boy, and I deserve a spanking. But that's too expensive here in the city so instead I do this.
469 7th Avenue
New York, New York
4PM So How Far Is That From Maryland?
Woman: I want to send a money order.
Teller: Is it going out of state?
Woman: No. It's not.
Teller: Where are you sending it?
Woman: Chicago.
Teller: That's out of state.
Woman: It is?!
Bank
Southfield, Michigan
Overheard by: Next in line
3PM After Delegating His Memory to Abby, Frank Experienced Difficulty With Remote Access
Boss, on phone: Abby*, it's Frank*. I'm at the British Library, and there's a man looking at me.
Abby, on other end of phone: ...Yes?
Boss: Who is it?
British Library, 96 Euston Road
London, England
Overheard by: hapless
2PM You Can Feel the Silent Pressure of Her Presence on the Line, Though
Supervisor: She always answers the phone. It's just she forgets to talk.
200 West Oak
Fort Collins, Colorado
1PM Her Withdrawal From Popular Culture Began in the Eighties and Was Complete by 1998
Younger girl: So the guy who played Kramer turned 57 this week. I had no idea he was that old!
Older woman: Kramer? You mean from the movie Kramer vs. Kramer?
Younger girl: Who? Um, no. Kramer. Kramer from Seinfeld.
Older woman: Who?
Younger woman: This is probably why we don't talk more, huh?
323 East Grand River
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Pam Beasley
12PM He Already Has Plans For Them
Employee #1: Dave*, you're what, 27? You're too young to get married. You need to wait until you're 35 and then marry a 23 year old. Birthing is just "bam! bam! bam!"-- brutal on them. So you need to marry young.
Employee #2: So I need to work here for 8 years and marry a girl who is just graduating from here?
Employee #3: Start looking, man. She's in high school now.
Employee #2: She'd be what, 15? Hey, Jim*, how old are your daughters?
Employee #1: 13 and 15...Shut up!
3800 Victory Parkway
Cincinnati, Ohio
11AM No, I Still Work Here
Boss: Do you know what the difference between you and me is?
Employee: About 20 IQ points and a sense of style?
1 Lincoln Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: tried not to laugh out loud
10AM We're Flying One in From St. Petersburg
Female employee on phone: ...will you outsource the foreskin?
18th Street & Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mikey Z
9AM God, I Hate Snobs
Co-Worker on phone: I do not want to poop in my pants!...I'm way too fucking classy for that.
1500 Broadway
New York, New York
5PM I Tried Putting a Floppy in Her Once...Nothing
Computer guy #1: I can't see the hard drive on this network.
Computer guy #2: Well, the problem is that the disk isn't mounted. First you have to mount Claire*.
Claire: Hey!
Computer guy #2: Claire is the name of the office hard drive.
701 South Mount Vernon Avenue
San Bernardino, California
Overheard by: Amused
4PM She Got Pregnant During a Gang Bang
Co-Worker #1: My sister just had her baby this morning!
Co-Worker #2: How exciting! Wait, who just had a baby last month?
Co-Worker #1: My sister.
Co-Worker #2: The same one?
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Stephanie
3PM Only Bitter Experience Prompts This Kind of Advice
Rep on phone with trucker: You do know you can't drive your rig into the ocean, right? That's bad...Oh, okay. Well, I hope you have a nice view.
1368 Old Fannin Road, Suite 400
Brandon, Mississippi
2PM Once We Manage to Think Something, We'll Know What It Is We Think
Suit #1: We need a visualization of the vision so we can see the motion and apply it to the organization.
Suit #2: Right!
World Financial Center
New York, New York
Overheard by: misspygmy
1PM Well, It's a Huge Job to Turn the Glass Around
Five maintenance engineers stand staring at a window with rain pouring down on the inside of the glass.
Engineer: If we all knew about this, why didn't we fix it?
6th and Sycamore
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Alice
12PM It's My Fitness Program
Female co-worker: Yeah, these bruises on my legs? I wish I could say they were from S&M. Actually, I was just drunkenly stumbling around.
33 New Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: McN
11AM Nevada Madam: 'Sign Here'
Woman #1: Sometimes I like doing jobs like this.
Woman #2: Like what?
Woman #1: You know, mindless hand jobs.
380 Lafayette Road East
St. Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: Krista
10AM And If You Put Your Tongue in my Mouth, Does That Cure Cancer or Something?
Experienced woman: So, Chuck* came over last night and made me sit on his face.
Inexperienced woman: Why? Does that, like, help breathing or something?
21 Oak Street
Hartford, Connecticut
9AM Sarah Tobias: 'Too Late.'
Female employee: Man, I'm soo busy today. Why is everyone taking advantage of me?
Male employee: I dunno.
Female employee: Oh well, maybe I just let people take advantage of me. It's just easier that way.
Male employee: Some advice: don't ever say that in a bar.
Motorola, 1301 East Algonquin Road
Chicago, Illinois
5PM Why It's Important to Remember Which Perversion Goes With Which Boyfriend
Female employee on cell: You think he still loves me?...No, I think I peed myself right off that pedestal.
201 North Washington Street
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Mandi
4PM What Happens When a Tourist Is Deaf to All Parts of Speech Except Nouns
Tourist: What is this special wine deal you have tonight?
Waitress: Well, it's 5-dollar Italian wine night, so any wine that is made in Italy is 5 dollars. But we are out of Sauvignon Blanc and Pinot Grigio.
Tourist: Well, I guess I'll have a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.
Waitress: We're out of that. Anything else.
Tourist: Then I'll have a glass of Pinot Grigio.
17th and P Street
Washington, DC
Overheard by: guy at another table
3PM He's Secretly a Huge Cystic Fibrosis Fan
Office manager: Did you make an anonymous donation to our MS bike team?
Intern: I wish!
51st Street and 5th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Being a Muppet Is Not a Choice; They're Made That Way
Security guard #1: You hear about that wedding today? Someone's gettin' married in the park.
Security guard #2: Who? Bert and Ernie?
GR rep: Not in this state.
Sesame Place
Langhorne, Pennsylvania
1PM Why Not Everyone Should Reproduce
Waiter, at new copy machine: Which way does this go in: face down or up, sideways or lengthways?...You're not going to tell me, are you?
Manager: We've got plenty of paper over there; keep trying until you get it right.
45 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
12PM Color-Coded by Size
Rep: What's a vaginal dilator?
Nurse: A penis?
4645 East Cotton Center Boulevard
Phoenix, Arizona
11AM Tonight on SportsChat: Wankers Talk Wanking
Designer: Gosh, I just hate when you're watching a porn and they cut to the guy's face. It's always such an unfortunate time. I should write a letter of complaint.
IT guy: Yeah, if you only had a free hand.
Leverington Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: JB
10AM After His Conscience Was Removed, Oswald Sometimes Experienced Discomfort in the Area Where It Had Been
Employee #1: So the guy in jail I was telling you about, he's dead! [Laughs]
Employee #2: Ooh, that's great for you then, right?
Employee #1: No, it was the wrong guy. There were two guys sitting in jail, and one of them died, but it was the wrong one.
Employee #2: So you owe your friend money?
Employee #1: Well not until the other guy dies. [pause] This is pretty morbid isn't it?
Sparks Street
Ottawa, Canadia
Overheard by: a poor little intern
9AM I Think the Motherboard Is Pregnant
Suit: Help desk? My computer went down on me.
Tech support: Please hold on. [Places suit on speaker phone] Can you repeat that?
Suit: My computer went down on me!
Tech support, with entire support team laughing in the background: So, what's the problem?
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
5PM Somebody Hit His 'Reset' Button
CSR: Do you know your son's name? Your secret question is "What is your son's name?" Do you know your son's name?
Person resetting password: No, ma'am, I don't know what that is either.
Mishawka, Indiana
4PM And Susan Was Maimed. Isn't That Great?
Boss: I wouldn't even be able to kill myself right today. I'd screw it up.
Employee: If it makes you feel better I knocked myself unconscious this weekend.
Boss: Yeah, actually, it does.
323 East Grand River
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Pam Beasley
3PM In Fact, That's the Dictionary Definition of 'Okay'
Voice over the PA: If you see people in camouflage running around with guns and hear explosions, it is okay.
Hall Drive
Wilmington, Delaware
Overheard by: Zarbettu
2PM First the Briefing, Then the Stabbing
Supervisor: So Tina* and I are actually getting along really well! We discovered that we both have the same work style, which is Crazy Psycho Bitch.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
1PM So That's Two Dead Angels Right There
Woman #1: What are you listening to?
Woman #2: Bing Crosby. Do you even know who that is?
Woman #1: Duh. It's that guy who said, "Every time a light bulb goes out, an angel dies."
Woman #2: You idiot, that's Jimmy Stewart.
315 North Broadway
Tyler, Texas
12PM Yes, Matt Lauer Says the Same Thing
Male customer: Well, we're definitely interested. We'll be back this week to make the purchase.
Sales chick: It was a pleasure to meet you. My name is Katie.
Female customer: Oh, Katie. We'll remember that name!
Sales chick: Oh?
Female customer, whispering: Katie is the name of my "other" personality.
Sales chick: Oh?
Female customer, turning to male customer: Katie is not very nice, is she, darling?
Male customer: No, dear, she's not.
Northridge, California
Overheard by: charlotte
11AM As Required by the Laws of This State, I Hereby Sentence You to 6 Months of the History Channel
Blonde: What's your last name?
Brunette: Monroe.
Blonde: Oh! Are you related to Marilyn Monroe?
Brunette: No, but I am related to the president.
Blonde: George Bush?? No way!
60 Wall Street
New York, New York
10AM Rob Schneider? Is That You?
Customer: Can you draw something on the cake for me?
Employee: Sure, what do you want on it?
Customer: A dick.
Employee: I can do you one better. We've got these chocolate-covered bananas, and chocolate-covered cookie dough balls. I can put an edible, chocolate-covered dick and balls on your cake.
Customer: Fucking awesome!
Manager, walking in: Uh, what are you doing?
Employee: Making a dick cake.
Manager: Woo! Makin' a dick cake!
Ben & Jerry's, East Village
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sam
9AM You Know What's Really Vintage? Beating Someone to Death With a Lead Pipe.
Middle management: Hey, I like your tie. It looks very vintage.
Regular employee: "Vintage"...Yeah, hey I like that! That sounds great!
Later, at lunch.
Regular employee: Hey, guys, check this out! I just put cheese on my soup. Now that is vintage!
Raleigh, North Carolina
5PM Are You Sure You Don't Mean Joseph Smith?
Voice over loudspeaker: John Smith, please report to baggage claim to meet your wife and girlfriend. John Smith to baggage claim, meet your wife and girlfriend.
Oakland Airport
Oakland, California
Overheard by: Meg
4PM What Early Urkel Exposure Does to Ghetto Children
Thug #1: Yo, man, this place is lined up!
Thug #2: Yo, this place got more lines than algebra class.
Thug #1: Man, this place prob'ly got more signs in it.
Thug #2: Fo' sho'. It prob'ly got more cosines in it, too.
Coliseum Ottawa, 3090 Carling Avenue
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Beth
3PM Down Syndrome, My Ass. Get Out There and Work That Backhand!
Tennis instructor to day-campers: You were special last year. You are not special anymore. If you still suck this year, leave these courts.
Birchwood Swim & Tennis Club
Chappaqua, New York
Overheard by: rachel kieffer
2PM By French Standards, He Got an Obsequiously Polite Person on the Phone
Employee on phone with a French company: I'm sorry that you're offended that I don't speak French, sir...Well, I don't know what to tell you. I speak English and Korean; I just don't speak French. We have a great offer here. I think you'd like to hear about it, even in English...Well, if you'd like I can speak to you with what French I do know but I'm afraid it will only be "hello" and "yes" or "no."...I'm sorry that you think my lack of French represents what's wrong with America in general...
61 Broadway
New York, New York
1PM The Ability to Arrive at a Logical Conclusion Is Not Widely Distributed in the Population
Girl #1: There is so much secondhand smoke here that it's going to kill us eventually.
Girl #2: That's for sure!
Girl #1: It's okay, though. I have life insurance.
Local bar
Burlington, North Carolina
Overheard by: Bartender Snickering Nearby
12PM Although, Ordinarily, that Would Be Enough
Co-Worker #1: That new guy is kind of creepy, like he's going to come in and shoot up the place.
Co-Worker #2: Yeah, I know, he's just plain scary.
Co-Worker #1: ...and not because he's brown.
17th Avenue SW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Dispatch God
11AM And I Expect to Be Hungover Monday
Suit #1: I'm going to need that project done for Monday. Can you get on that right now?
Suit #2: It's Friday, and I have beer to drink. It's really going to have to wait.
4881 Yonge Street
Toronto, Ontario
10AM It Just Has to Make Money; It Doesn't Have to Make Sense
Woman: Isn't this the most fucking idiotic thing you've ever had to do in your life?
Senior VP: No, actually, which is really embarrassing.
120 West 106th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: George Feeney
9AM ...But I've Got to Pay the Coke Bill, So Gimme $50, and We'll Snuggle
Supervisor: So I said to my son, "You want me to cuddle with you?" And he said, "No, Daddy, I've already slept with enough people today."
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
5PM Sometimes on the Highway, He Just Lets Go of the Wheel
Boss: I'm just going to stop taking notes and just use yours after the meeting, because I have no idea what's going on.
545 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
4PM What if Your Kid's Hungover?
Co-Worker #1: Kids are just a built in excuse to call in sick. If Carl* can call in because his kid is sick, I should be able to call in sick because I'm hungover.
Co-Worker #2: Wouldn't that be every day then?
Co-Worker #1: No, I mean too hungover to work.
Highways 7 and 78
Independence, Missouri
Overheard by: steak of life
3PM So We'll Do It Correctly, But It Will Be Morally Suspect
Boss: We won't do it wrong. We'll just do it a different way that won't be right.
Anchorage, Alaska
Overheard by: Mark
2PM He Placed Out of the Class Where You Learn Not to Be a Jerk
Boss: Hey, do you think you could go down to the cafeteria and get me one of those teeny tiny things of 1% milk for my cereal?
Intern: You know, with my dual degree from business school, I think I may be able to swing that...I'll bring another intern as backup just in case.
555 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Cat Burglars and Ninjas Have Ruined Blackness For Everyone
Black guy: What would you say if I said I wanted to get a Mystic Tan?
Tanning consultant: Oh, you could. It would give you a nice glow.
Black guy: You're not even going to discourage me?! I would never get a spray on tan. The blacker you are, the higher people assume your crime rate is.
North 222 Plaza
Reading, Pennsylvania
12PM Performance Review Time at the CIA
General manager: I told you to respect your boss. I didn't tell you to obey her orders.
230 North College Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM As Long as It's Not the Same Date as Halloween Again
Woman #1: What day is Thanksgiving on this year?
Woman #2: I don't know - Thursday or Friday?
Wal-mart
Springfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Jennifer Gerboth
Blonde cashier: Wow! Thanksgiving is on a Thursday this year!
Lake Travis, Texas
Overheard by: Frostwalrus
10AM Margene, Are You Available? Oh, That's Right, You're the Bride.
Production Tech: Oh that's right, I forgot, someone else is going to have to pick up Dillon* on Friday. I'm gonna go get married.
859 Cotting Court
Vacaville, California
9AM I Know the Perfect Position For You!
Employee #1: I don't know how you got a better review than you did last year.
Employee #2: Yeah, me either.
Employee #1: You know, I really only get about 50% out of you each day.
Employee #2: Yeah, that sounds about right. Some days more, some days less. Usually less.
Employee #1: Wouldn't it be great if I got that 100% out of you, though?
Employee #2: Probably, but I really just don't feel like it.
901 Warrenville Road
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Recovering Workaholic
5PM The Kind Amerigo Vespucci Used to Make
Boss: Mmmm! This pizza's good.
Employee: Oh, yeah. This deep dish one is great.
Boss: Oh, yeah. I saw that one, but it looked too weird to try.
Employee: Yeah, it's Chicago style.
Boss: Oh, that's why. I like just good old American-style pizza.
Frost Bank Building
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: dizzle
4PM Pulling in All Directions, Simultaneously
Exec: If we are going to succeed, we need strong leadership from everyone on the team.
50 Commerce Street
Trumbull, Connecticut
Overheard by: lowly
3PM From the Shaolin Preschool Song Book
Co-Worker: If you're happy and you know it...?
Co-Worker's 2-year-old daughter: ...don't touch a knife!
1065 Williams Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: manda b
2PM Use the Shank Key
VP, using Instant Messenger: How do I type a smiley face that means, "I'll cut you."
550 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
1PM What Do You Have to Do Around Here to Get Some Freaking Champagne?!
Employee: Can I help you find something?
Customer: I'm looking for a red wine.
Employee: Cabernet, pinot noir, shiraz?
Customer: No, I want a red wine.
1017 East Main Street
Radford, Virginia
12PM Guy's a Total Psycho. I Broke up With Him Months Ago, But He Won't Stop Calling.
Intern, answering phone: Good afternoon, Science Committee...Mike*, Buzz Aldrin is on the line.
Mike*, rolling his eyes: Oh shit.
Rayburn House Office Building
Washington, DC
11AM How Does One Judge a Kegel Exercise Contest?
Woman #1: Maybe it fell out because her vagina had no...tone.
Woman #2: What?
Woman #3: Right, no Kegel's.
Woman #2: What?
Woman #1: Right, you are supposed to do Kegel's all day.
Woman #2: Since when?
Woman #1: From when you are 20. Or have a lot of sex.
Woman #3: I'd rather have a lot of sex than do Kegel's, but I do them, too.
Woman #2: What? My vagina is fine without either one. Don't tell my husband that, either.
Woman #3: You'll be sorry when you are older.
Woman #1: You never did Kegel's? We used to have contests at my other job.
Only man in the meeting walks in.
Woman #2: Well! What do men have to do?
Woman #3, smiling sweetly: Nothing. Men are perfect.
Bergen County, New Jersey
10AM Actually, He's Just Hung Like a Bull Moose, and Word Gets Around
Attorney #1: You know David*, the blind prosecutor downtown?
Attorney #2: He's the one who always gets the young, hot assistants, right?
Attorney #3: I don't care what anyone says, that son of a bitch can see.
300 West Main Street
Louisville, Kentucky
9AM Uh-Huh...And the Address?...1600 Pennsylvania Avenue...Got It.
Employee #1, on phone: Good morning, sir, my name is Brad*, and I'm from an execution service agency.
Employee #2: Dude. It's executive search agency!
Den Bosch
the Netherlands
Overheard by: Meme
5PM And the Smell of Pending Litigation
Electrician: I think I may have made a mistake.
Owner of office: Ya think so? What gave it away, the flames?
528 Newtown Road
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Mike
4PM And He Won't Be. Until the Next Time.
Co-Worker, whispering on phone: And I know I've said this before, but I will never be naked in the file room again...
2811 Wilshire Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
3PM Well, It's Like I Always Say: Children Come First
Male bank president: My daughter's gonna letter in high school track this year.
Female vice president: Oh?
Male bank president: Yeah, she's a runner. All year I've been taking her out on country roads to let her spread her legs.
Female vice president, under her breath: Putz!
1105 Vargas Street
Atwood, Kansas
2PM All Hell Broke Loose When She Caught Him Reading the Jolly Rancher Label
Mom, to young child: That's just more junk. I'm not going to buy you something to write with. How 'bout I get you some candy instead?
Dollar store
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: it's not all like this
1PM Michael Milken's Up to His Old Tricks
Exec steals Nutri-Grain Bar from CEO.
CEO: Give that back!
Exec: No.
CEO, cornering exec and pushing him against the wall: Give that to me; that's my Nutri-Grain!
Exec: You aren't getting it back.
CEO: That's stealing, man!
Exec: Buy some more! You've got the money!
CEO, releasing exec: You're a real class act, man.
Exec unwraps and eats Nutri-Grain Bar.
5200 Dixie Road
Toronto, Ontario
12PM If the Goal Is to Go Home at Five, Then You're on the Right Track
Employee: Someone just called me. They said, "Hello," and asked if I could help them because they had a question. I didn't know what to do, so I said, "No," and hung up. Was that okay?
Boss: I guess that's one way of handling it.
US Patent and Trademark Office
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Why Me?
11AM It's Right Next to That Note That Says You Should Give Me All Your Money
Co-Worker #1: Hey, what budget number should we use for this? The old one or the new one?
Co-Worker #2: What does that email you printed out and pinned to your wall say?
Co-Worker #1: It says I should use the new one.
Co-Worker #2: Then I think you should use the new one.
Co-Worker #1: Cool, thanks!
Co-Worker #2: No problem.
5201 Paint Branch Parkway
College Park, Maryland
Overheard by: i'm glad i don't work there anymore
10AM That's What They Said Before Pearl Harbor
Employee #1: So as the guy was doing my nails--
Employee #2: --Wait, you have a man do your nails?
Employee #1: Oh, it's okay, he's Asian.
John Adam Street
London, England
Overheard by: rubywoo
9AM How Do You Think I Got This Job?
Producer, on phone: I don't know how to make this more clear: Eat the bugs! You have to eat the bugs! Open your mouth, plug your nose, and shove the bugs in your mouth!
6727 Odessa Avenue
Van Nuys, California
5PM Your Daughter Is So Precocious!
Little girl, pointing to ad poster: Dog!
Father, looking at the ad: No, honey, that's Ellen Degeneres.
Target Shopping Center
Avon, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
4PM This Conversation Has Gone Balls-Up
British employee: Well, this was supposed to be completed by now. It looks like it's gone all cock-up.
American #1: What?
British employee: I'm sorry, do you not have that phrase here?
American #2: In America, you can't say cock like that. I shouldn't hear you say cock.
American #1: We say fuck. Fucked up.
British employee: Ok, how's this: Fuck off.
1 Corporate Drive
Orangeburg, New York
3PM Actually, He's Leaving Reminders For Himself on His Voicemail
Office manager, on the phone: Which one of Mommy's boyfriends beat you badly enough as a child to turn you into the bitter, empty, hollow shell of a human being you are today?
Supervisor, to trainee: See? That's why we have to answer the phone quickly in this office: to keep the managers from picking up the phone. Ever.
221 Corporate Gateway Boulevard
Columbia, South Carolina
Overheard by: Geobaldi
2PM No, the Birth Took Place Over a Span of Four Years
Admin #1: How old is his son?
Admin #2: Ten.
Admin #1: And how many kids does he have?
Admin #2: Three. They're triplets.
Admin #1: And they're all ten?
Route 1 South
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Emily Anne
1PM Why Mr. Ass's Employment Was Terminated During the Probationary Period
Boss: When will you be done with these?
Jackass: I dunno, all I have left is to finish.
Hudson, Wisconsin
12PM Just a Little One That Will Change the Way I See Things
Female customer: My sunglasses are broken. One of the screws fell out, and a guy in here yesterday said they would replace them with a new pair.
Woman behind counter: Oh, I remember you. You're just looking for a screw, right?
Female customer, after entire store stops laughing: Aren't we all, really?
1051 North Rush Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Standing behind you
11AM Miss Anna Phylactic's Shocking Lunch
Young lady: Are there nuts in the apple walnut salad?
Dining companion, sarcastically: No, it's a new type of apple.
Young lady: Good, because I'm allergic to nuts, and I really want that salad.
Waiter: Do you want the half salad or the whole?
858 Tittabawassee Road
Saginaw, Michigan
Overheard by: Herodotus420
10AM She Vaguely Told Me This Story About Biting Off Her Cats' Hind Legs
Reporter, about a job candidate: She seemed pretty good. She did have the makings of someone who was vaguely crazy.
East Las Olas Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: papergirl
9AM But They Still Look 17, and That Makes All the Difference
Teacher: You know, now that they are both 18, we can rape them, and it wouldn't be considered statutory.
2 Stewart Place
Eastchester, New York
Overheard by: Johnnymunz
5PM Well, You'll Be Working Six Feet Under Me
Lady, to receptionist: Hi, I'm here for my internment...Oh, no! I mean internship!
875 Stevenson Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Waiting for Internment too
4PM Why IT Dude Is Regularly Beaten Up
Deputy: There was a wreck this weekend where a guy hit a tree at 60 miles per hour. Ripped off the right side of his head. You could actually see inside his skull. We never could find his brain, though.
Project manager: Did it kill him?
IT dude: Nope, he is walking around, managing projects.
US Highway 69/75
Oklahoma
Overheard by: Firewall
3PM It's Important For Friends to Do Things Together, Don't You Think?
Co-Worker on phone: So I was throwing up in the bathroom, and my three best friends were having sex in the stall next to me.
1601 Cloverfield Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
2PM He Doesn't Recognize Countries That Achieved Independence After 1800
Male employee #1: How did Costa Rica go in the World Cup?
Male employee #2: Who does he play for?
Male employee #1: Are you serious?
Male employee #2: What? Is he on the Australian team or something? Is that why I'm meant to know him?
Perth, Western Australia
Overheard by: you've got to be kidding me!
1PM As an Engineering Major, He Wasn't Required to Know Where He Was
Worker #1: So this UMass...That in Mass?
Worker #2: Yeah.
Worker #1: Is this "Mass" a city?
Worker #2: Nah, more like a town.
Berkshires, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Outofstate
12PM Pretty Much His Deal With God, Too
Boss: I'm pretty much unavailable all afternoon since I have to go to the funeral, but if you really need me, you can call me between the church and the cemetary.
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM So If You're So Smart, How Do They Put Out the Fires, Then?
Man #1: No, you're not fucking listening here. There are no fire hydrants in the ocean.
Man #2: But we could...
Man #1: Oh my God. No fire hydrants! Are you hearing me? There are no fire hydrants in the ocean!
Insurance office
Woodbury, New York
10AM He'd Rather Do It Avocationally
Manager: Why do they send so much of this stock? It's never gonna sell. What bunch of arseholes thought this up at head office?
Peon: This is really getting to you, isn't it? I get the feeling you applied for a job there, and they turned you down.
Manager: A job at head office? No thanks, I've no desire to be an arsehole for a living.
Peon: But you'd be so good at it.
4 The Sidings
Lincoln, United Kingdom
9AM You Can Lead a Horse to a Basket of Eggs, But You Can't Make a Silk Purse Out of a Pig in a Poke
Clerk, watching two inexperienced clerks trying to help each other: That's like the dog leading the blind.
South Lamar Street
Roxboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Dun Ben Ther
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