Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
July 2006 Archives
5PM Lloyd Never Accepted the Constraints of the English Language
Man: Do you have the movie Upside Down?
Cashier: Let me check. Um, no.
Man: The one about the two guys on the wine tour.
Cashier: You mean Sideways?
Man: Yeah, that one.
Cashier: It's under 'S' on the wall.
Man, to his friend: It's under "S" with Psycho.
Video store
Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: emily
4PM And If They Show Up Here, I Called in Sick, Okay?
Employee: Hey, Kathy!* I was so happy to see you come to work this morning!
Kathy: Yup, the police didn't pick me up! Whew!
Swiss chalet near Highway 401
Whitby, Ontario
Overheard by: too naughty 4 tv
3PM They Both Felt It Was Time For a Starter Marriage
Hostess: I don't know why they're getting married. They don't even have kids!
45 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
2PM Why Don't You Give It a Try and We'll See?
Manager, to underling: Haven't apes evolved to the point where they could do your job?
3888 Stewart Road
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: Mike
1PM An Egg-Laying Mammal Would Be Worth Catching
Co-Worker, trying to catch a mouse loose in the office: Bill*, he's under your desk! Try to catch him!
Bill: Why? Is he going to lay an egg or something?
4613 Philips Highway
Jacksonville, Florida
Overheard by: Miss Kitty
12PM Let Me Explain: She Called You Inbred, and He Called You Illiterate
White guy: I come from a town of only 400.
Black girl: Whoa! That's weird. Your town was probably started by a brother and sister or something.
White guy: Actually, there's not a single brotha or sista in my town.
Black girl: What?
White girl: Oh, God.
Black girl: What do you mean? Is everyone in your town an only child?
White guy: No, there aren't any brothuhs or sistuhs. You know?
Black girl: I don't get it.
White girl: That's probably for the best.
One Park Place
Elmira, New York
Overheard by: Shannon
11AM They'll Never Guess You're Tara Reid Just by Looking at You
Doctor, to patient: Well, if you just don't tell them who you are, you won't have that problem.
7950 West Mississippi Avenue
Lakewood, Colorado
Overheard by: LAP
10AM When Art History Majors Enter the Workforce
Admin #1: There is a 30% chance that it will rain today.
Admin #2: Wow! That means there is a 60% chance that it won't.
6606 Tussing Road
Reynoldsburg, Ohio
9AM Or Close Enough. It's Not Really Super Important.
VP: Well, we'll just keep compromising until we reach mediocrity.
139 Townsend
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Amy
5PM Why Night Guy Volunteered to Work Nights
Boss: Why didn't you build those three displays last night?
Night guy: I couldn't find the stuff to do it with.
Boss, going back and pointing to the only three pallets of stuff in the back room: This is the stuff you couldn't find all night?
Night guy: You should have put in my note that I should look harder.
Albertson's
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Bill
4PM And I Wrote It in the Funbag Programming Language
Engineer #1: What the hell were you thinking when you wrote this code?
Engineer #2: Boobs.
Engineer #1: Huh?!
Engineer #2: Truthfully, it's likely I was thinking about boobs.
Columbia, Maryland
3PM First Break the Employee's Legs, Then Criticize the Way He Walks
GM: How were you days off?
Supervisor: Pretty good. Did some hiking.
GM: How was the conference?
Supervisor: What conference?
GM: I e-mailed you Wednesday about the loss prevention meeting on Thursday morning. I know it was short notice.
Supervisor: Thursday was my day off. Wednesday was my day off. I wasn't here to check my e-mails.
GM: So you didn't go to the mandatory meeting?
Supervisor: Um.
GM: You have to check your e-mail every day. No excuses.
Supervisor: I wasn't here to check my e-mail.
GM: No excuses.
687 12th Street
Gresham, Oregon
Overheard by: I love 50 e-mails a day
2PM Paging Keith Richards...
Mother: I think Grandma Olson has a little bit of a cirrhosis thing going on.
Little girl: Why's that?
Mother: Because Grandma Olson drinks much, much, much more than-
Little girl: -Than grandpa?
Mother: Than anyone in the world.
120 Kellogg Boulevard
St. Paul, Minnesota
1PM Those Who Watch the Discovery Channel Should Not Be Allowed to Discuss It at Work
Female co-worker #1: So, I watched this special on TV about how some people are born with two distinct sets of DNA. They had a guy on it that was half white and half black.
Female co-worker #2: Having one black nut and one white nut would be awesome.
Female co-worker #1: Um, yeah.
2600 McHale Court
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: John da peon
12PM Dear Diary, If I Can Just Drink Less at Lunch, She Will Be Mine
Contracts officer: Frankly, I think she'll be tickled shitless...I could have said she'd be shittled titless, but I thought that would be offensive.
HR lady: This meeting has now offically gone on too long.
1010 North Glebe Road
Arlington, Virginia
11AM You Could Probably Steal One From a White Castle in the Bronx and No One Would Notice For a Week
Woman: Oh, I want the baby. I just don't want the pregnancy. If I could just go to a fast food place and order a baby, I would.
4910 16th Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
10AM Dear World, I'm Killing Myself at This Time to Inconvenience Cousin Bob
Co-Worker: My cousin died in a car accident yesterday.
Boss: Oh, I'm sorry.
Co-Worker: Yeah. The funeral is Saturday in St. Louis.
Boss: Will you be going?
Co-Worker: Oh no! That's not enough time for me to get everything around and make it down there! I mean, maybe if they had given me a week's notice...
Olentangy River Road
Columbus, Ohio
9AM Okay, People, You Are to Cease Using the Austin Powers Films in Management Training
Underling: Is that what you need?
Boss: I was asking for a shark with laser beams, and I got a manatee with flashlights? Thanks.
Kadena Air Base
Okinawa, Japan
Overheard by: R U Shittin' Me
5PM The Founder of National E-Mail Right to Life Couldn't Even Delete Viagra Spam
Old-man employee: I am having problems with e-mail.
IT guy: What's wrong?
Old-man employee: I have got thousands of e-mails in my inbox and cannot send anything out 'cause I think the virus that is causing me to get all these e-mails is going to be spread to others.
IT guy: You don't have a virus.
Old-man employee: But I have thousands of e-mails. But I guess they are beautiful to watch.
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: Alyn
4PM Remember? Those Nine Planes?
Delivery driver: I've never had to stop and check in before.
Guard: Yes, you have. We started doin' it after two-eleven.
Delivery driver: You mean nine-eleven?
Guard, rolling eyes: No. Two-eleven, when them people crashed them planes. Two-eleven.
Delivery driver: That was in September.
Guard: Two-eleven.
Circle Center Mall Security Office
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
3PM Just Scan in His Photo and Use Face-Recognition Google
Boss: I went to school with this guy...I don't remember his name, but he just became the president of some real estate development company in DC. Can you look him up on the internet? I'd like to send him a note.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: office minion
2PM I Thought MDMA Was Something Else
Fundraiser: Hey, man, I need to raise some money for Multiple Dystrophy...[to other guy at table] Yo, man, what does the "A" stand for?
Muscular Dystrophy Association telethon
Miami, Florida
1PM Why 'American Government Conspiracy' Will Always Be an Oxymoron
Intern #1: I will do all of your House bills if you get up and dance right now!
Intern #2: No.
Co-Worker: Why would you pay all of his house bills if he dances? That's like $100!
Intern #1: House, like House of Representatives!
Co-Worker: We have access to the legislature's power bills?
Political Office
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: Jason B.
12PM No, He's Reading Too Loud
Children's librarian: Do you mind?
Chick with breast exposed, nursing her baby: I'm sorry, is he sucking too loud?
York County Library
Rock Hill, South Carolina
11AM Who Goes to West Virginia on Their Vacation?
Agent: So you went to Virginia Beach on your vacation?
Manager: No, I went to West Virginia.
Agent: Oh. Where's Virginia Beach? In East Virginia?
10243 Genetic Center Drive
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Cat
10AM And I Have Seen Enough
Guy: Wow! Look at the legs on that chick! Those are some really short shorts! Look, Bill*!
Bill: Yeah, that's my wife.
740 Fourth Street
Santa Rosa, California
Overheard by: Sandie
9AM #1, Only One Big Cat; #2, No Reptiles; #3...
Girl #1: Well, you know I like to get kinky.
Girl #2: Oh, I know.
Girl #1: I've never had a threesome, but I would do it. I have ground rules, of course, but I'd totally be down for a menagerie.
Andover Park West
Tukwila, Washington
Overheard by: Cat
5PM And Sales Girls Prefer to Be Called 'Customer Revenue Facilitators' But Keep Dreaming
Sales girl #1: Hey, guys, there are two Oriental ladies walking to the back. Help them if you can.
Sales girl #2: We Orientals prefer to be called "Asians."
South Coast Plaza
Costa Mesa, California
Overheard by: another oriental
4PM And That Uzi? What Were You Thinking?
Co-worker, on phone with 9-year-old son: I'm not happy with you. I heard you were a bad boy at camp. They told me you hit one of the other kids with a golf club. You shouldn't do that. You could hurt someone.
371 Hoes Lane
Piscataway, New Jersey
3PM Memo to All Staff: There Will Be a Meeting to Discuss What Can be Done to Curtail the Number of Meetings
Office grunt #1: I hate all these fucking meetings!
Office grunt #2: Didn't you set this meeting up?
Office grunt #1: Yeah, but that's not the point.
Oil company office
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Lara
2PM If He's an Idiot and Can Steal Your Clients, That Makes You What?
Sales guy: Jason*, quit calling into my sales territory! You are a freaking poacher!
Jason: Poacher? I don't even like eggs.
Sales guy: You're an idiot.
6400 Congress Avenue
Boca Raton, Florida
Overheard by: Fried Egg
1PM And Then I'll Blow Up His Car
Boss: Well, I'm outta here! Too bad you have to stay!
Janitor: You're not letting him leave early?
Boss: No. I'm the boss. I get to go. He has to stay.
Janitor: Okay. Well, bye.
Boss: Bye! [He leaves]
Janitor: So you're leaving in five minutes, right?
Employee: I'll wait 'til he clears the building.
59 Maiden Lane
New York, New York
12PM I'm More Interested in the Idea of Cheese
Customer: I would like a cheeseburger but with no cheese.
Cashier: So you want a simple hamburger?
Customer: No! A cheeseburger with no cheese!
Fast food restaurant
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: burger lover
11AM And What's a 'Document'?
Employee: Hey, Bertha*, can you help me send a fax? It's been so long since I've had to use this.
Bertha: Okay, well, put your document face up here, and then enter the number here, and press "start."
Employee: What number?
Bertha: The fax number you're sending to?
Employee: Oh, am I supposed to know that?
208 Raleigh Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Overheard by: snoopdude
10AM I Said, 'Mr. Samsa, There's Nothing You Can Do!'
Border patrol agent: I tried to tell the guy his brother was dead. Metamorphosis had already set in.
3423 Interstate Highway 35
Cotulla, Texas
9AM The Best Way to Try Something New Is to Maintain at Least a Little Connection to the Familiar
Girl #1: You know that gay guy that works second shift?
Girl #2: Yeah, what about him?
Girl #1: I took him out to meet all my hetero friends, and they enjoyed the shit out of him.
2800 East 28th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: snorted my diet mountain dew
5PM Next Time Break Up Via E-mail
Employee on phone: You are a psycho if you think you'll break up with me over the phone!...What am I supposed to say to a psycho?...What am I supposed to say to a psycho?...What am I supposed to say to a psycho?!
Co-Worker: For my sake, you can say goodbye to a psycho!
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
4PM Oh, Sorry, the Thingamajig Was Fubarred By the Whatzit and Corrupted Your Jimmyjam
Tech guy: Yeah, so I tried to open the file, and it said something, something, file can't open, something.
Client services girl: Gee, thanks, tech.
1619 Broadway
New York, New York
3PM Somehow, Terminated in Tulsa Doesn't Quite Have the Right Ring for Schwarzenegger's Next Vehicle
Co-Worker, on phone: When were the children terminated?...Were they terminated here in Tulsa? I'll need to see a copy of that order.
41st and Mingo
Tulsa, Oklahoma
2PM Sleepless in the Hardware Department: Act Two
Salesguy on phone: I got your nuts right here!!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM I'm So Glad I Still Live With My Mother
Receptionist: I thought she was going to tell me I was fat...but, no, she just wanted to tell me that I smell bad.
Andover Park West
Tukwila, Washington
12PM How Does Me Killing You and Assuming Your Identity Sound?
Boss: I found this [correspondence dated a week ago] in my inbox, waiting for my signature. It was Bill Smith's* estate tax return! Why didn't you tell me to check my inbox?? There's all kinds of stuff in there that hasn't gone out. You have to come up with a way for me to check my inbox more regularly so things like this don't happen again!
Secretary: Um, ok? Do you want me to set Outlook reminders that you'll ignore, or would you like to ignore me personally?
900 East Hill Avenue
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: She's Not Psychic
11AM The Problem Is Living in a Shoe and Not Knowing What to Do
Large lady: You know if you are a Goth, they take your children away.
Old lady: That's not true! I have ten children, and I wear a lot of black clothing.
North Station Commuter Rail
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM Sleepless in the Hardware Department: Act One
Sales girl: I'm a screw hunter, baby!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Anyway, We're Not Sure You're the Sort of Sales Rep We Want at Dead Cat in a Basket, LLC
Older woman: Yes, I have fifteen years of commission-only sales experience, and I'm accustomed to traveling four days out of the week.
Interviewer: Oh, um, well that's great. Um, yes, some of our new hires don't like traveling because it's so lonely and can be far from home and, um, you know, like solitudish and lonely.
Older woman: That's okay with me. Travel is fine, but I can't travel for three weeks out and one week home. I have two cats. I can leave them for four days at a time but not three weeks.
Interviewer: Oh. Well, that's unfortunate 'cause we really would like you for the job. Well, um, if something would happen that would mean you could take this job, um, like I won't get into what that would be or anything morbid or sad or anything...but you could always re-apply.
6500 Matalin Place
Louisville, Kentucky
5PM In Death Everyone Gets a Little Classier
Laywer: So you were locked in a room that had a gas leak?
Client: Yeah. Man, we was trying to get out quick as we could. I mean, if we didn't make it out when we did, we could've been sophisticated!
Lawyer: Asphyxiated?
Client: Whatever.
Public Square
Cleveland, Ohio
4PM He's an Art Teacher
Co-Worker: I sent out the class rosters for summer term to all the faculty and got an e-mail back from one guy wanting to know why he can't find his name on the list. Because it's the list of his students! How did he get to be a teacher!?
1400 Penn Avenue
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: The Temp
3PM The Crystal Ball Shows Me Outta Here and You Buying Three White Fur Bucket Hats
Admin: Can I go home after we've finished this bit? I don't usually work long Fridays.
Boss: I've got two nephews to buy presents for and then decide what to wear for a pimps and hos party after this, and you think you've got problems?
Woodingdean
Brighton, United Kingdom
2PM What You Just Snorted Two of?
Reading tutor #1: It's your turn.
Reading tutor #2: Shut up, I know. I'm thinking. [Places letter on Scrabble board] There.
Reading tutor #3: What's a gee-ram?
Reading tutor #2: Gram, you idiot.
Lusher Elementary School, Lowerline and Willow
New Orleans, Louisiana
1PM Even His Core Constituency Is Turning on Him
Intern: When is Bush's last term?
Employee: Um, right now. It ends in '08.
Intern: Good. 'Cause he's stupid.
1065 Williams Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Is summer over yet?
12PM One Starbucks Holds a Hundred Wongs and One White
Manager: Ok, I don't mean to sound weird, but...
Receptionist #1: Oh, this is gonna be good.
Manager: I was at Starbucks on the 4th of July, and...it was all Asians! It was an Asian invasion! They were everywhere! I was going to ask if they were having a family reunion. Then someone else walked in the door, and [my 14-year-old daughter] nudged me, and it was another Asian! I've told [my daughter], "Ok, you can marry a Muslim! A black! A Jew! Just don't bring home an Asian!" They travel in packs and take pictures! And they are the worst drivers! Any time you see a bad driver swerving, weaving in and out of lanes? Asian! But, I mean, my tennis partner is Asian, so...
Receptionist #1: Becky*, you're a racist!
Manager: I'm not a racist...just to Asians!
An Asian client walks in.
Receptionist #2: Hi, Mr. Wong*!
4020 NE 55th Street
Seattle, Washington
11AM He Got an Oscar for Best Posthumous Cross-Dressing Performance
Woman #1: I saw The Devil Wears Prada this weekend. It was really good, especially Marlon Brando.
Woman #2: Marlon Brando?
Woman #1: You know, that lady! What's her name?
Woman #2: Meryl Streep. Marlon Brando is dead. And a man.
245 5th Avenue
New York, New York
10AM Or Maybe Stop By and Start a Fire
Co-Worker #1: I was just over at [your new boss]'s office, and the first thing I noticed was that it's really quiet over there!
Co-Worker #2: Oh, I know.
Co-Worker #1: No, really, you're going to go crazy! It was almost nine o'clock, and nobody was talking! You'll have to play yourself some music or something.
Co-Worker #2: Yeah.
Co-Worker #1: So I decided what I'll do is call you sometimes and just yell over the phone!
Collegeville, Pennsylvania