Woman on phone: I really wanna get you off tonight. [Pause] No, I mean call your manager and see if they need you to come in! Shut up, stop laughing!
Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: sneaky pete
Employer: If I were to ask you for one thing you are not good at, what would it be?
Interviewee: Uh...answering questions like this one?
Insurance HR office
Toronto, Canadia
Editor, looking at ad for "Summer Garden Madness": Why is everything "madness"? There's nothing "madness" about a basket of vegetables.
2 Penn Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: angry carrot
Agent: Thank you for calling the help desk. Can I have your first and last name, please?
Customer: Is Eudora down?
Agent: Um, Eudora is a program that is isolated on your computer. It is not a system or network of everyone's email.
Customer: Is Eudora [campus email] down?
Agent: No.
Customer: I'll call my cable company.
Customer hangs up.
University of Wisconsin
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Brandon
Voice on intercom: Would the person who ordered a pizza please come up front to pay for it? What? Oh! Cancel the last announcement. It is the Fed Ex guy not the pizza guy.
57060 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
Sales manager: So as of our next issue, the logo will no longer be purple.
Rep: How come?
Sales manager: Because purple is associated with homosexuals.
Rep: I thought rainbow colors were the gay color tip-off?
Sales manager: No, it's purple. And I know that's true because that's what they paint their front doors.
Rep: I have never heard that. Why would they do that?
Sales manager: So they can identify themselves to each other.
Rep: Oh, I get it. So when they're driving around the city they can say, "Oh look, Dwayne, a purple door! Let's stop in and get some decorating tips!"
600 East Main Street
Louisville, KY
Male co-worker: That's the thing about black people. They'll just sing their favorite song out loud. Like they don't care that they're in public.
Female co-worker: Well, that's because they have better voices than we do.
1000 Techwood
Atlanta, Georgia
Man: They are having wild fires out West again.
Woman: Maybe we should send them marshmallows.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
Customer: What movie starts next?
Box office girl: That would be Keeping up with the Steins, at 11:55.
Customer: And what's that about?
Box office girl: I believe family problems around the time of the kid's bar mitzvah.
Manager [under her breath]: It's about Jewish people, duh.
Customer: Two for X-Men, please.
510 North Orlando Avenue
Winter Park, Florida
Female employee: What the hell is she fussing at? He's only two years older than her. If he's old, she's old!
Office manager: She's just trying to ruffle your feathers.
Sales guy: You should tell her your husband can beat up her husband.
Assistant: Which one? She's got a couple.
Female employee: Hey!
Sales guy: Haha, I forgot she's got like three husbands now.
Female employee: I hate you guys.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
Co-worker #1: What are you up to tonight?
Co-worker #2: After the week I've had, I'm getting so drunk I pee on something.
Co-worker #1: Cool.
College Station Drive
Macon, Georgia
Co-worker #1 gives co-worker #2 the hand signal for devil horns.
Co-worker #3, returning the signal: Loser.
Co-worker #1: What did you say that for?
Co-worker #3: You called me a loser, so I called you a loser.
Co-worker #1: I did not. I was giving Kelly* the devil horns.
Co-worker #3: Oh, sorry.
Co-worker #1: It's okay. I guess it's easy to think that people are calling you a loser because you still live with your parents.
800 Market Street
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: We were supposed to be working
Suit on cell: I'm going home and changing into shorts. It's so hot out there I need to throw up.
Washington Mutual
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
Asian guy: Hey, look! A butterfly!
White guy: Why don't you go catch it? That's what Asians do.
Asian guy: No, we catch flies.
White guy: With fucking chopsticks?
Asian guy: Yeah, but if you give me two cigarettes I could probably use those.
Parkland Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Gloria
Employee: Your in-box is not intended to be a point on the Bermunda Triangle.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
Nurse: Have you ever done any other drugs? Cocaine? Meth?
Patient: I have loved meth since the day it was introduced to me.
Gall Boulevard
Zephyrhills, Florida
Administrator #1: A-chooo.
Administrator #2: A-chooo.
Administrator #3: A-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Administrator #4: Ah, the sounds of summer.
Falcon Way
Welwyn Garden City, UK
PM: Hey, Craig*, can you [makes weird slurping noise]?
Craig: No thanks, I'm married.
PM: I don't know what that means.
191 Oak Plaza Drive
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Broker #1: Ok, here's one: would you rather lick the bulge on Johnny's* leg or eat the skin that Peter* peeled off his foot last year?
Broker #2: As sick as this sounds, I'd take Johnny's bulge in a second. I had to sit next to Peter. His foot had a crack in it so deep you could stick a pencil in it.
440 South LaSalle
Chicago, Illinois
Account manager: You did a fantastic job on these business cards!
Art director: Shut up! Don't condense me.
Account manager: I'm serious! You're a curiative genius!
214 West 39th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Trey Givens
Nagster: For the last time, forms to Mexico have to be in Spanish and in triplicate, not in gibberish and in oneplicate!
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
Project manager: Stop making love over the phone!
810 Seventh Avenue
New York, New York
Engineer: Holy shit! I just measured twelve shafts!
5810 Nancy Ridge Drive
San Diego, California
Lady: Uhh, hi, do you sell cigarettes?
Cashier: No, this is a plant nursery.
Lady: Yeah, I know. So you don't have them?
Cashier: No, ma'am, this is a plant nursery. We sell plants here.
Lady: But cigarettes come from tobacco, and that's a plant. I figured if anyone would sell them it would be you.
6831 Central Avenue
St. Petersburg, Florida
Co-worker #1: Oh, no way!
Co-worker #2: What?
Co-worker #1: Taylor Hicks is People magazine's #1 hottest bachelor.
Co-worker #2: Taylor Hicks, the American Idol guy?
Co-worker #1: Yeah.
Co-worker #2: Is that for the Braille edition?
955 Peachtree Parkway
Cumming, Georgia
Newly-hired girl: So, Harry*, sometimes I can see the outline of your penis in your pants when you walk by my desk.
7201 Metro Boulevard
Minneapolis, Minnesota
New hire: How many people work here?
HR clerk: About half of them.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
Coworker: I have one word for this project: absolutely ridiculous.
111 Huntington
Boston, Massachusetts
Tween girl: I wonder if these shorts will fit? I'm just going to try them on right here.
Girl's father: Why don't you go in a dressing room, honey? For God's sake, have some modesty.
Tween girl: What's modesty?
Moe's Sport Shop
711 North University
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Patient: So how is your blood pressure?
Dentist: Oh, it's just fine. Thanks.
Dentist winces.
Dentist: Except when people bite my finger. When people bite my finger, it shoots way, way up.
105 Terrebonne Road
Grafton, Virginia
Nurse on phone: I'm sorry, she said she doesn't want to talk to you... Uh huh... Well, we can't make a patient talk to someone on the phone... I'm sorry, that's what she said. You're her husband, right? Oh, you're her mother! Just a moment, please.
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Boss cleaning office: Oh, look. I found my whip.
83 East 4th Street
New York, NY
Staffer: I understand you want to complete a living will.
Patient: That's right.
Staffer: Do you know what this means?
Patient: Yes, it means I don't want to be kept alive if I'm in a persistent vegetarian state.
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Admin: Do you know who dropped this off?
Manceptionist: No
Admin: Well, then do you know what they looked like?
Manceptionist: An old white lady with curly hair.
Admin: Are you sure she wasn't a black man, because Allan* said it was a forty-year-old black guy.
Office manager: Not unless he rolled himself in baby powder before he came in here.
Manceptionist: No. The black guy dropped off a manilla envelope and the old lady dropped off that.
Admin: This is a manilla envelope.
Manceptionist: Oh, then yeah the black guy dropped it off.
Allan: Well the black guy was definitely more attractive.
Office manager: And now we know which way you swing.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Drone #1: Crikey Moses! Who the hell wants their picture taken in the Mastermind chair?
Drone #2: Crikey Moses?! You need some better swear words!
201 Wood Lane
London, England
Cleaning guy: Who peed in the trash can this time?
5780 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
Coworker: I love that movie Dazed and Confused! It's one of those that you don't have to be smart to enjoy.
1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Jayce
Manager: If we are going to appeal to the youth market, we are going to have to euthanize our marketing materials.
Associate: That means to kill people.
Manager: Whatever.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Coworker: Okay, I'm headed out to the meeting. I have the cell phone if you need me...Does this have to be turned on, or will it turn itself on when a call comes in?
1001 North 19th Street
Arlington, Virginia
Partner #1: So, I explained to her that I didn't feel that commercial sexual relationships constituted adultery. And she bought it.
Partner #2: Gotta love the commerce clause.
575 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Engineer: Nasty letters always work!
315 Park Avenue South
New York, New York
Overheard by: Priscilla Perez
Coworker: Who won the World Cup game?
Supervisor: Ghana beat the U.S.
Coworker: Aw, I wanted the U.S. to win!
Supervisor: Why? The U.S. wins everything. That's why we have the Olympics.
1145 East 4th Street
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
Boss on phone with IT: How do I see my future emails?
1246 Princeton Street
Akron, Ohio
Sales guy: Crap! I shoulda used spell check. But nooo, I had to go and be smart.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
Employee on phone: Wait, let me read you the email he sent out this morning: "Just a reminder that today, like every Friday, is acquittals day. So acquit, acquit, acquit away, and keep the frightening audits at bay." Yep, poetry...See? This is why I'm leaving.
Elizabeth Street
Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: Tigertail
Employee: Don't interrupt me now, interrupt me when I am finished!
1200 10th Avenue South
Birmingham, Alabama
Exec: Babies don't go online! Mothers do.
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
Suit #1: Hey, how are you? Haven't seen you in forever! Still married?
Suit #2: Yup, expecting my first.
Suit #1: Really! When?
Suit #2: November 7th. Bitch finally finished her PhD so she could work, and now she's pregnant!
383 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Woman #1: I got to interview David Hasselhoff today.
Woman #2: You get all the best assignments!
Woman #1: I know, right?
450 West 33rd Street
New York, New York
Coworker: It's easy to determine who needs to take a sexual harassment class; just ask the person if "harass" is one word or two. If they say two, they need to take the class.
1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Not the guy who needs the class
Girl: So, I just had my exit interview with HR and they were all like, "Be honest, why did you just up and quit out of nowhere?"
Guy: Did you tell them the truth?
Girl: I told them that I was in love with you, and that the sexual tension and frustration was creating a poor work environment for me.
Guy: So then you did tell the truth.
Route 1 South
West Windsor, New Jersey
Interviewer: So, in this position, sometimes the clients with behavioral issues might hit you or bite you. Would you have an issue with this? Would you have trouble working with that client again?
Interviewee: Oh, no, my boyfriend bites me all the time. See?
1001 W. 124th Avenue
Westminster, Colorado
Overheard by: A Sane Applicant
Coworker: I didn't mean to diss Madonna! It's just that I feel at this moment in my life, I'm over her.
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
Customer: Are you open?
Cashier: Uh, excuse me?
Customer: Are you open?
Cashier: Um...yeah.
Customer: Oh, well you're not supposed to be.
Cashier: What?
Customer: Well, it says you're not supposed to be open until 10!
Cashier: Um...oh, well pharmacy opens at 10. We've been open since 8.
Customer: Okay, well I can come back.
Cashier: Um, okay...but we are open right now.
Customer: Okay, well then all I want is a box of cigarettes.
4405 1st Street
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
Customer on phone: Can I get reimbursed for herbal remedies through my flexible spending account?
CSR #1: No. Holocaustic medicines are not eligible for reimbursement unless you receive them as part of doctor's visit.
CSR #2: I think you meant holistic.
CSR #1: Whatever. Same thing.
2302 International Lane
Madison, Wisconsin