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June 2006 Archives
5PM I've Been Waiting Years for You to Say That!
Woman on phone: I really wanna get you off tonight. [Pause] No, I mean call your manager and see if they need you to come in! Shut up, stop laughing!
Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: sneaky pete
4PM Blue...No, Red. Red!!
Employer: If I were to ask you for one thing you are not good at, what would it be?
Interviewee: Uh...answering questions like this one?
Insurance HR office
Toronto, Canadia
3PM What Does He Think the Mad Cows Eat?
Editor, looking at ad for "Summer Garden Madness": Why is everything "madness"? There's nothing "madness" about a basket of vegetables.
2 Penn Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: angry carrot
2PM Eudora Downs Sydrome
Agent: Thank you for calling the help desk. Can I have your first and last name, please?
Customer: Is Eudora down?
Agent: Um, Eudora is a program that is isolated on your computer. It is not a system or network of everyone's email.
Customer: Is Eudora [campus email] down?
Agent: No.
Customer: I'll call my cable company.
Customer hangs up.
University of Wisconsin
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Brandon
1PM He Brought the Pepperoni, Though. (Bow Chicka Bow Bow)
Voice on intercom: Would the person who ordered a pizza please come up front to pay for it? What? Oh! Cancel the last announcement. It is the Fed Ex guy not the pizza guy.
57060 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
12PM It's the Color Your Heart Turns When You Reject God's Will
Sales manager: So as of our next issue, the logo will no longer be purple.
Rep: How come?
Sales manager: Because purple is associated with homosexuals.
Rep: I thought rainbow colors were the gay color tip-off?
Sales manager: No, it's purple. And I know that's true because that's what they paint their front doors.
Rep: I have never heard that. Why would they do that?
Sales manager: So they can identify themselves to each other.
Rep: Oh, I get it. So when they're driving around the city they can say, "Oh look, Dwayne, a purple door! Let's stop in and get some decorating tips!"
600 East Main Street
Louisville, KY
11AM But We Totally Whine Better
Male co-worker: That's the thing about black people. They'll just sing their favorite song out loud. Like they don't care that they're in public.
Female co-worker: Well, that's because they have better voices than we do.
1000 Techwood
Atlanta, Georgia
10AM Then What Will We Shove in Your Mouth to Keep You Quiet?
Man: They are having wild fires out West again.
Woman: Maybe we should send them marshmallows.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
9AM She Prefers Movies About Superheros...Made by Jewish People
Customer: What movie starts next?
Box office girl: That would be Keeping up with the Steins, at 11:55.
Customer: And what's that about?
Box office girl: I believe family problems around the time of the kid's bar mitzvah.
Manager [under her breath]: It's about Jewish people, duh.
Customer: Two for X-Men, please.
510 North Orlando Avenue
Winter Park, Florida
5PM It's So Hard Being an Orthodox Mormon
Female employee: What the hell is she fussing at? He's only two years older than her. If he's old, she's old!
Office manager: She's just trying to ruffle your feathers.
Sales guy: You should tell her your husband can beat up her husband.
Assistant: Which one? She's got a couple.
Female employee: Hey!
Sales guy: Haha, I forgot she's got like three husbands now.
Female employee: I hate you guys.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM I Find If I Don't Make Plans for the Weekend, I Just Sit Around and Watch TV
Co-worker #1: What are you up to tonight?
Co-worker #2: After the week I've had, I'm getting so drunk I pee on something.
Co-worker #1: Cool.
College Station Drive
Macon, Georgia
3PM He Thinks People Are Coming On to Him When They Flip Him Off
Co-worker #1 gives co-worker #2 the hand signal for devil horns.
Co-worker #3, returning the signal: Loser.
Co-worker #1: What did you say that for?
Co-worker #3: You called me a loser, so I called you a loser.
Co-worker #1: I did not. I was giving Kelly* the devil horns.
Co-worker #3: Oh, sorry.
Co-worker #1: It's okay. I guess it's easy to think that people are calling you a loser because you still live with your parents.
800 Market Street
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: We were supposed to be working
2PM That's What the Cargo Pockets are For
Suit on cell: I'm going home and changing into shorts. It's so hot out there I need to throw up.
Washington Mutual
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
1PM The Trick Is Eating Kim Chee and Never Showering
Asian guy: Hey, look! A butterfly!
White guy: Why don't you go catch it? That's what Asians do.
Asian guy: No, we catch flies.
White guy: With fucking chopsticks?
Asian guy: Yeah, but if you give me two cigarettes I could probably use those.
Parkland Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Gloria
12PM I Have Plans for My In-Box Which I Am Not at Liberty to Reveal
Employee: Your in-box is not intended to be a point on the Bermunda Triangle.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
11AM We Love the Things We Love For What They Are
Nurse: Have you ever done any other drugs? Cocaine? Meth?
Patient: I have loved meth since the day it was introduced to me.
Gall Boulevard
Zephyrhills, Florida
10AM Do Your Part to Prevent the Spread of Management
Administrator #1: A-chooo.
Administrator #2: A-chooo.
Administrator #3: A-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Administrator #4: Ah, the sounds of summer.
Falcon Way
Welwyn Garden City, UK
9AM It Means I'm Gay
PM: Hey, Craig*, can you [makes weird slurping noise]?
Craig: No thanks, I'm married.
PM: I don't know what that means.
191 Oak Plaza Drive
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
5PM Anyway, I Already Ate Peter's Foot Skin
Broker #1: Ok, here's one: would you rather lick the bulge on Johnny's* leg or eat the skin that Peter* peeled off his foot last year?
Broker #2: As sick as this sounds, I'd take Johnny's bulge in a second. I had to sit next to Peter. His foot had a crack in it so deep you could stick a pencil in it.
440 South LaSalle
Chicago, Illinois
4PM Well, Pardon Me While I Prestidigitate Your Complementary Anaphylaxis
Account manager: You did a fantastic job on these business cards!
Art director: Shut up! Don't condense me.
Account manager: I'm serious! You're a curiative genius!
214 West 39th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Trey Givens
3PM So Dos Equis Would Not be Enough?
Nagster: For the last time, forms to Mexico have to be in Spanish and in triplicate, not in gibberish and in oneplicate!
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
2PM What Else Am I Supposed to Do with a Tongue This Long?
Project manager: Stop making love over the phone!
810 Seventh Avenue
New York, New York
1PM He Said Enematically
Engineer: Holy shit! I just measured twelve shafts!
5810 Nancy Ridge Drive
San Diego, California
12PM We Just Don't Have Enough Slavepower
Lady: Uhh, hi, do you sell cigarettes?
Cashier: No, this is a plant nursery.
Lady: Yeah, I know. So you don't have them?
Cashier: No, ma'am, this is a plant nursery. We sell plants here.
Lady: But cigarettes come from tobacco, and that's a plant. I figured if anyone would sell them it would be you.
6831 Central Avenue
St. Petersburg, Florida
11AM No, For When Jay Leno Gets Bored of Spanking It in Front of the Mirror
Co-worker #1: Oh, no way!
Co-worker #2: What?
Co-worker #1: Taylor Hicks is People magazine's #1 hottest bachelor.
Co-worker #2: Taylor Hicks, the American Idol guy?
Co-worker #1: Yeah.
Co-worker #2: Is that for the Braille edition?
955 Peachtree Parkway
Cumming, Georgia
10AM How'd You Like to Feel the Outline of It in Your Pants When You're Bent Over Your Desk?
Newly-hired girl: So, Harry*, sometimes I can see the outline of your penis in your pants when you walk by my desk.
7201 Metro Boulevard
Minneapolis, Minnesota
9AM Hypothetical Slogan for Bush/Cheney '08
New hire: How many people work here?
HR clerk: About half of them.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
5PM They Had a Lot of Trouble with their Significant Figures
Coworker: I have one word for this project: absolutely ridiculous.
111 Huntington
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM It's What You Had Before We Bought You the Web Cam
Tween girl: I wonder if these shorts will fit? I'm just going to try them on right here.
Girl's father: Why don't you go in a dressing room, honey? For God's sake, have some modesty.
Tween girl: What's modesty?
Moe's Sport Shop
711 North University
Ann Arbor, Michigan
3PM Mine Shoots Way Up When People Chew on My Nipples
Patient: So how is your blood pressure?
Dentist: Oh, it's just fine. Thanks.
Dentist winces.
Dentist: Except when people bite my finger. When people bite my finger, it shoots way, way up.
105 Terrebonne Road
Grafton, Virginia
2PM So THAT's How It Is In Their Family
Nurse on phone: I'm sorry, she said she doesn't want to talk to you... Uh huh... Well, we can't make a patient talk to someone on the phone... I'm sorry, that's what she said. You're her husband, right? Oh, you're her mother! Just a moment, please.
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
1PM ...And You Can See In This Graph Here That Worker Output Is Strongly Correlated to Stern (But Loving) Whippings
Boss cleaning office: Oh, look. I found my whip.
83 East 4th Street
New York, NY
12PM Dibs on His Fur Coat
Staffer: I understand you want to complete a living will.
Patient: That's right.
Staffer: Do you know what this means?
Patient: Yes, it means I don't want to be kept alive if I'm in a persistent vegetarian state.
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
11AM I Banged Them Both, Though.
Admin: Do you know who dropped this off?
Manceptionist: No
Admin: Well, then do you know what they looked like?
Manceptionist: An old white lady with curly hair.
Admin: Are you sure she wasn't a black man, because Allan* said it was a forty-year-old black guy.
Office manager: Not unless he rolled himself in baby powder before he came in here.
Manceptionist: No. The black guy dropped off a manilla envelope and the old lady dropped off that.
Admin: This is a manilla envelope.
Manceptionist: Oh, then yeah the black guy dropped it off.
Allan: Well the black guy was definitely more attractive.
Office manager: And now we know which way you swing.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM Fuck You, You Felch-Sucking, Mung-Eating, Necrotic Limp-Dicked Father-Raper
Drone #1: Crikey Moses! Who the hell wants their picture taken in the Mastermind chair?
Drone #2: Crikey Moses?! You need some better swear words!
201 Wood Lane
London, England
9AM Does "I Was Taking a Crap on the Laser Printer" Count as an Alibi?
Cleaning guy: Who peed in the trash can this time?
5780 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker: I love that movie Dazed and Confused! It's one of those that you don't have to be smart to enjoy.
1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Jayce
4PM Tough Sell
Manager: If we are going to appeal to the youth market, we are going to have to euthanize our marketing materials.
Associate: That means to kill people.
Manager: Whatever.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Cellular Difficulty
Coworker: Okay, I'm headed out to the meeting. I have the cell phone if you need me...Does this have to be turned on, or will it turn itself on when a call comes in?
1001 North 19th Street
Arlington, Virginia
2PM Legal Brief
Partner #1: So, I explained to her that I didn't feel that commercial sexual relationships constituted adultery. And she bought it.
Partner #2: Gotta love the commerce clause.
575 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Technical Advice
Engineer: Nasty letters always work!
315 Park Avenue South
New York, New York
Overheard by: Priscilla Perez
12PM Lunch
Coworker: Who won the World Cup game?
Supervisor: Ghana beat the U.S.
Coworker: Aw, I wanted the U.S. to win!
Supervisor: Why? The U.S. wins everything. That's why we have the Olympics.
1145 East 4th Street
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
11AM Crystal Ball
Boss on phone with IT: How do I see my future emails?
1246 Princeton Street
Akron, Ohio
10AM Typo
Sales guy: Crap! I shoulda used spell check. But nooo, I had to go and be smart.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Back to Work
Employee on phone: Wait, let me read you the email he sent out this morning: "Just a reminder that today, like every Friday, is acquittals day. So acquit, acquit, acquit away, and keep the frightening audits at bay." Yep, poetry...See? This is why I'm leaving.
Elizabeth Street
Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: Tigertail
5PM That's a Wrap
Employee: Don't interrupt me now, interrupt me when I am finished!
1200 10th Avenue South
Birmingham, Alabama
4PM Marketing Powwow
Exec: Babies don't go online! Mothers do.
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
3PM Paternity Leave
Suit #1: Hey, how are you? Haven't seen you in forever! Still married?
Suit #2: Yup, expecting my first.
Suit #1: Really! When?
Suit #2: November 7th. Bitch finally finished her PhD so she could work, and now she's pregnant!
383 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Filler Article
Woman #1: I got to interview David Hasselhoff today.
Woman #2: You get all the best assignments!
Woman #1: I know, right?
450 West 33rd Street
New York, New York
1PM Sensitivity Training
Coworker: It's easy to determine who needs to take a sexual harassment class; just ask the person if "harass" is one word or two. If they say two, they need to take the class.
1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Not the guy who needs the class
12PM Lunch
Girl: So, I just had my exit interview with HR and they were all like, "Be honest, why did you just up and quit out of nowhere?"
Guy: Did you tell them the truth?
Girl: I told them that I was in love with you, and that the sexual tension and frustration was creating a poor work environment for me.
Guy: So then you did tell the truth.
Route 1 South
West Windsor, New Jersey
11AM Tetanus Shot
Interviewer: So, in this position, sometimes the clients with behavioral issues might hit you or bite you. Would you have an issue with this? Would you have trouble working with that client again?
Interviewee: Oh, no, my boyfriend bites me all the time. See?
1001 W. 124th Avenue
Westminster, Colorado
Overheard by: A Sane Applicant
10AM Damage Control
Coworker: I didn't mean to diss Madonna! It's just that I feel at this moment in my life, I'm over her.
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
9AM Back to Work
Customer: Are you open?
Cashier: Uh, excuse me?
Customer: Are you open?
Cashier: Um...yeah.
Customer: Oh, well you're not supposed to be.
Cashier: What?
Customer: Well, it says you're not supposed to be open until 10!
Cashier: Um...oh, well pharmacy opens at 10. We've been open since 8.
Customer: Okay, well I can come back.
Cashier: Um, okay...but we are open right now.
Customer: Okay, well then all I want is a box of cigarettes.
4405 1st Street
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
5PM That's a Wrap
Customer on phone: Can I get reimbursed for herbal remedies through my flexible spending account?
CSR #1: No. Holocaustic medicines are not eligible for reimbursement unless you receive them as part of doctor's visit.
CSR #2: I think you meant holistic.
CSR #1: Whatever. Same thing.
2302 International Lane
Madison, Wisconsin
4PM Transcribing
Supervisor: Just do whatever's easier for you.
Word processor: It's easiest to do it this way, 'cause then I don't have to think.
Supervisor: Well, you want to think a little bit...
Word processor: Nah, not really.
1 World Financial Center
New York, New York
3PM Shift Switch
Coworker #1: Hey, can you cover my shift next week?
Coworker #2: Why? Where are you going?
Coworker #1: My friend's boyfriend is graduating from pharmacology school.
Coworker #2: Ew. Who would want to be a farmer?
3900 Hillsboro Road
Nashville, Tennessee
2PM Dress Code
Coworker #1: I just got this suit at Paul Stuart. Do you like it?
Coworker #2: Yeah, you look like the Easter Pimp.
101 East 42nd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Amazed
1PM Cyber Flirting
Employee #1: How many innings are in a baseball game? Eight? Ten?
Employee #2: Are you serious?
Employee #1: Yeah. C'mon, how many?
Employee #2: Eight. Why do you want to know?
Employee #1: I'm talking to this girl and I just told her she's struck out at the bottom of the ninth, and then I wrote, "even though there's only eight innings in baseball." Ha ha.
Employee #2: Did you send the instant message?
Employee #1: Yeah.
Employee #2: There's nine innings in baseball.
215 Glenbrook Road
Storrs, Connecticut
Overheard by: trying to contain laughter
12PM Lunch
Boss: Oh my god! There were things in there that I should have put away or hidden, like sex toys in stuff that I keep in my underwear drawer.
Coworker: She wouldn't go in your underwear drawer.
Boss: Well that's why she's there...to help us pack. Oh my god, I have like two sets of handcuffs, too.
2355 West Bangs Avenue
Neptune, New Jersey
11AM Interior Design
Suit #1: Dude, you should have a sex room in your new place!
Suit #2: I do. It's my bedroom.
Suit #1: No, I mean one room that is just wall-to-wall matresses and shit.
45 Wall Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Trey Givens
10AM Brainstorming Session
Creative director on phone: Maybe the guy goes up and kicks the bear in the balls...I don't know.
111 E. Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
9AM Back to Work
Coworker #1: See, this is my new man bag.
Coworker #2: Oh, nice! So manly.
Coworker #3: Man bag? Sounds like scrotum.
270 County Hospital Road
Quincy, California
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker: Anita*, you're dull! I mean, reflectively speaking.
25 Winthrop Street
Worcester, Massachusetts
4PM Internal Memo
Coworker: Not only am I an asshole here, I'm an asshole at home, too!
1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: shaun
3PM Small Talk
Suit #1: Did you see the movie The Da Vinci Code? That monk creeped me out with his pale skin, white hair and all. He must be Albanian.
Suit #2: You mean albino?
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
2PM Straight to Voicemail
Attorney: Hey Jordan*, what have you done for me lately?
Jordan: Nothing, actually.
Attorney: Anything you do for the boss, you do for me!
Jordan: Well in that case, I've been avoiding your phone calls lately.
4 Times Square
New York, New York
Overheard by: Just looking...
1PM Refueling
Power broker #1: Two large cappuccinos.
Cashier: Thank you. That will be $4.50.
Power broker #1: Where's the cinnamon?
Cashier: I'm sorry, we're out of cinnamon.
Power broker #1: Then I don't want it!
Cashier: Excuse me?
Power broker #2: Okay, let's just bring it back to the office.
Power broker #1: No! Just give me my money back. I can't drink the foamy milk without the cinnamon.
100 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mark
12PM Lunch
Employee #1: What are we collecting for?
Employee #2: Shelly* crashed her car and we are helping her out.
Employee #1: What? Has she never heard of insurance? Uh uh, I ain't putting in!
1046 George Town
Grand Cayman
Overheard by: not throwing in either
11AM Stock Exchange
Trader #1, wearing yarmulke: ...and your business is in Brooklyn?
Trader #2: No, Brooklyn is where the yams hang out. You know, your people.
200 Vesey Street
New York, New York
10AM Control Room
Database administrator #1: You can either spend half a day showing them how to do it and another three weeks constantly answering questions, or you can just take half an hour and write the code for them.
Database administrator #2: Well, we should teach them how to fish instead of just feeding them every day!
Database administrator #1: You can teach them how to fish, but they still won't know how to write code.
880 Carillon Parkway
St. Petersburg, Florida
9AM Back to Work
Receptionist: Hey, help me with this list. The boss wants me to go to the store and get some stuff for the coffee room. You know, stuff like filters and cups and stuff. But I can't figure out what these icet rays are.
HR clerk: Let me see the list...Sweetie, this says ice trays. You know, for the freezer to freeze water into cubes.
Receptionist: Are you sure? Because if the boss wants icet rays, that's what I better get.
HR clerk: Well okay, if you really want icet rays, try the office supply store and make them check in the back. You may have to ask for their manager.
Receptionist: Thanks, see you in a little while.
HR clerk: You know, I should have used that opportunity to sell her a bridge.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
5PM That's a Wrap
Supervisor: Marlene*, I'm stuck in my chair again.
10105 Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Street North
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: Michael John
4PM Folding Clothes
Employee #1: She turned around and said to the supervisor, "She just yelled at me." I was like, "I didn't yell at you!" I said it in front of the supervisor, but I didn't care. I didn't yell at her...That's how people get locked up! People saying you did things you didn't do. That's how you go to jail.
Employee #2: Um, yeah.
130 East 59th Street
New York, New York
3PM Internship
Boss: How many servers do you think Google has?
Lackey: Infinite.
Boss: Infinite? You're a retard.
15 Alatarinda Road
Orinda, California
Overheard by: choking on a brownie
2PM Waiting Room
Girl #1: I use the pull and pray method.
Girl #2: Girl, pull and pray...they never do it. It doesn't work.
Girl #1: Yes it does! It just doesn't work ninety percent of the time.
45 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: not dating either of them
1PM Dessert
Boss: Never put two cranky diabetics in the same room together. All you'll get is '"fuck this," "shit this," and "blood sugar that!"
1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: shaun
12PM Lunch
Accountant: We're taking Mark* to Joe's Crab Shack for his retirement party at the end of the month.
Secretary: Is that where you want to go? I figured you for more of a Hooters man. Wouldn't you rather have Hooters than crabs?
Mark: I thought the two went hand in hand! You can't have one without the other.
401 Church Street
Nashville Tennessee
11AM Smart Investing
Customer: Do you have the new quarters from Texas?
Teller: Yes, we do. How many would you like?
Customer: Just one.
Teller: One roll or one quarter?
Customer: Just one quarter...how much do they cost?
57 Route 206
Tabernacle, New Jersey
Overheard by: Kelly
10AM Copyright Infringement
Lawyer: So you actually filed a copyright application?
Creative director: Oh, no, we just slapped a circle "c" after everything.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
9AM Back to Work
Boss: We are a team. If you tell me that you cannot work on your day off, then you are not being a very good team member.
1119 N. Brown
Casa Grande, Arizona
Overheard by: Alisa
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker #1: Dammit! I hate being poisoned!
Coworker #2: You know, something tells me that you aren't doing paperwork.
460 Canning Highway
Perth, Australia
4PM Summer Ad Campaign
Employee: Well, did we decide against boobs?
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
3PM Fundraiser
Woman: Oh, Survivor Evening? Is that, like, for people who watch Survivor? Oh, breast cancer...cool!
6710 Clayton Road
Richmond Heights, Missouri
Overheard by: Transient Girl
2PM Sexual Harassment
Secretary: So, the next time you shut the door to take one of your sex calls, I'm going to nail it closed!
311 Main Road
Point Mugu, California
Overheard by: mookie
1PM Group Therapy
Coworker: Sometimes I just go out to the warehouse dock and stand on the edge and think about jumping.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Lunch
Customer: So, this Wild Mushroom Pizza, does it have mushrooms on it?
Waitress: Ummm, yeah.
701 Lynnhaven Parkway
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Cassandra
11AM Project Management
Guy: Should I put it in the folder?
Girl: Wait, I'm not sure. Should I take it out of the folder?
Guy: Um, maybe I should just put it in the folder.
Girl: No, I should take it out of the folder...
Guy: But, what if we need it in the folder?
127 Marina Drive
La Crosse, Wisconsin
10AM Sample Sale
Buyer: It's great. We bought a ton of old Levi's jeans dirt cheap, scuffed them up, and are selling them for two hundred dollars apiece.
Store manager: That's genius! How much are we paying you again?
729 East Lancaster Road
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Genevieve
9AM Back to Work
Employee: Welcome back. Are you feeling better?
Supervisor: Well, I am fully clothed.
1930 Bishop Lane
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Eve's Dropper
5PM That's a Wrap
Worker on phone: What time does she get in?...That's kind of late. I'll leave Lydia* with my mom, no reason to drag her all they way to the airport and back. Maybe we can find some place to have sex in the car on the way down there...Maybe I shouldn't say stuff like that when I don't have a ceiling or real walls.
333 Bush Street
San Francisco, California
4PM Call Transfer
Coworker #1: A lady just called wanting to speak to someone who knows Korean.
Coworker #2: Uh, oh. No one here does. So, what did you do?
Coworker #1: I transferred her over to the Ukrainian Village Branch. Ukrainia is near Korea, right?
7000 County Line Road
Burr Ridge, Illinois
3PM Slush Pile
HR manager: God, I hate it when you bring me that junk!
Admin: These are people's resumes.
HR manager: Fine, shove your junk in my box.
Admin: Excuse me?
HR manager: Just leave it in my box. I'll throw it away in the morning.
80 Grasslands Road
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
2PM Disciplinary Action
HR person: My kids in my home are never too old to be spanked. My daughter's fourteen, and I'll beat her ass. Then I'll tell her, 'It's not over. Wait 'til I call your father and he beats your ass.'
1190 North Del Rio Place
Ontario, California
1PM Business Casual
T-shirt: Why are you wearing a suit?
Suit: I had court this morning.
T-shirt: Traffic Court? Did you pay a fine?
Suit: Yeah, Traffic Court. The fine was five hundred dollars.
T-shirt: You should have worn a different suit. That one looks like it cost about forty dollars.
Suit: I paid seven hundred dollars for this.
T-shirt: You got ripped off.
Suit: Well whoever's been giving you that piece of shit baseball brim haircut the last year has been ripping you off.
T-shirt: I wear a toupee.
2211 N. First Street
San Jose, California
Overheard by: daimaoh
12PM Lunch
Employee: Oh, I've had their Mandarin Chicken Salad, but I didn't like it. Then again, I don't like Mandarins.
711 Third Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Lolito
11AM Ergonomics Seminar
HR clerk: Maureen* broke another chair. Should I order her another chair designed for a person over three hundred pounds, or should I order an even stronger chair?
Manager: No! I am going to tell the maintenance guys to put her desk up on blocks! Then, I am going to tell Maureen that her job description has changed! She is now required to stand up to do her job!
[manager leaves]
HR clerk: Well, it is not going to be me that tells him that one of the toilets in the women's restroom is broken.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
10AM Clarification Memo
Coworker: Derek's* married? To a WOMAN?!
165 West 46th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Beth
9AM Back to Work
Older dude: You know, you shouldn't bite your nails.
Executive assistant: You shouldn't be a drunk.
45 West Portal Avenue
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Jerkey
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker #1: She was such a bitch to me for no reason! I think I'm beginning to hate people.
Coworker #2: You used to like people before working here? That's so freakin' cute!
430 W Vine Street
Lexington, Kentucky
Overheard by: I Heart Condescension
4PM Employee Review
Coworker: Hey, I may be dumb but I'm not stupid!
1400 AF Street
Washington, DC
3PM Bake Sale
Teacher #1: What are they raising all this money for?
Teacher #2: For this lady in the cleaning crew. Apparently, her purse was stolen and she lost nine hundred bucks that she was planning to send home to her family in Mexico.
Teacher #1: Where's my nine hundred bucks? Since I started working here, I lost everything.
444 Pleasantville Road
Briarcliff Manor, New York
2PM Diversity Initiative
Secretary: Hey, I haven't seen you for a while. You been on vacation?
Associate: No, I've been here.
Secretary: I just love running into you. You look just like that guy from Whose Line Is It Anyway. That black guy...What's his name?
Associate: Oh, really? No one's ever told me that before.
Secretary: It's ok, right? Because he's my favorite.
1425 K Street NW
Washington DC
Overheard by: callmeahab
1PM Naptime
Sales assistant: What are you doing?
QC guy: Taking a nap.
Sales assistant: You are precariously close to your CPU.
QC guy: What? What is that, a part of my body?
Sales assistant: Right. Don't call me when you break that computer again.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Lunch
Coworker #1: Have you been to Joey's*? It's awesome.
Coworker #2: Not in a long time. Not since it was a deli.
Coworker #1: Oh, you should go. They have those big hooba wooba pipes...Hooba booba...Hooba hooba pipes?
Coworker #2: Do you mean hookas?
Coworker #1: Yeah.
330 Garden Street
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Violet White
11AM Smoke Break
Bookseller: I cleaned up all the damn puppets. All of them! Then, watched as a father allowed his children to throw all of them on the floor, play for an hour, then leave them. He grinned at me, said 'Kids, right?', then left. It took all I had not to tear that grin off his face, and shove it so far up his fucking ass that I could then reattach it backwards...Wow, four hours really is too long to go without a cigarette!
Cashier: That was the best image I've had all day. Go smoke so that I can savor it alone.
430 W Vine Street
Lexington, Kentucky
Overheard by: Laughing coworker
10AM Annual Volunteer Project
I-banker: Why can't we just donate money to hire people to do this work?
2615 W. 84th Place
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Back to Work
Partner #1: You're wearing a t-shirt?
Partner #2: It's not a t-shirt. It's designer.
Partner #1: Glad to see you're back in gay mode.
222 North Lasalle
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: new here
5PM That's a Wrap
Customer: Is Office 2003 the latest version of Office that's out?
Salesperson: Yeah, they most likely won't come out with a new version until Vista is released, which should be about the end of the year.
Customer: What's that?
Salesperson: Vista?
Customer: Yeah, Rista? What is that? Is that the new Office?
Salesperson: No, Vista is the new operating system that's coming out. Last I heard Microsoft was planning to release it near the end of this year.
Customer: Microsoft's going to sell computers now?
Salesperson: No, Vista is the operating system that gets installed on computers. It's what makes your computer run.
Customer: Oh, yeah, I knew that already. Are you going to be carrying Microsoft's new computers?
Willard Building
State College, Pennsylvania
4PM Technical Meltdown
Boss on phone: I just want a human beeeeeeing! Bahhh! Why can't I just have a human being?...Oh thank god!Finally! A human being! Wait, you are a human being, right?...You haven't gotten this before?
2810 Blaine Drive
Chevy Chase, Maryland
3PM Benefits Summary
Female: My nipples are boring.
Male: Does our insurance cover that?
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
2PM Office Prank
Employee #1: I saw you run to the bathroom. So I followed you in and heard you frantically trying to put the protective cover on the seat.
Employee #2: Yeah. And?
Employee #1: Then I shut the light off.
Employee #2: Oh that was you? Well just so you know, I'm a master at pooping in the dark.
6255 Sunset Boulevard
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Ron
1PM Pep Rally
Employee #1: They got suspended.
Employee #2: Why?
Employee #1: They were grinding during the National Anthem.
Employee #2: Oh, how do you do that?
Employee #1: Haven't you seen the pony commercial? You can grind to anything.
201 Recreation Drive
Bolingbrook, Illinois
12PM Lunch
Lunchbreaker: Do you want half my cheeseburger?
Worker: No.
Lunchbreaker: Oh, d'oh. I forgot.
Worker: If I'm going to eat meat again, I wanna eat a slab of beef that is over thirty dollars. I want to make sure that when I'm in the bathroom with cramps, that it is worth it.
1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
11AM Product Test
Supervisor: What are you doing?
College kid #1: Spraying each other.
Supervisor: Do you know what is in those bottles?
College kid #2: No.
Supervisor: Why would you spray each other with something you don't know?
College kid #2: It's fun.
Supervisor: It's acetone!
College kid #1: Is that like water or something?
Supervisor: God, I'm going back to my office.
465 Paul Road
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: Nick I
10AM House Call
Patient: Can I have your home number? I promise not to call you all the time. Only in case of an emergency.
Doctor: Um, I don't give out my home number. If you are having an emergency, you need to go to the emergency room.
Patient: But they don't know my medical history!
Doctor: But I live two hours from you. You'll receive medical care quicker by simply going to the emergency room. Besides, all your medical history can be pulled up on their computer.
Patient: So....you're not going to give me your number?
616 Court Street
Oberlin, Louisiana
Overheard by: Vicky
9AM Back to Work
Coworker #1: So, good weekend?
Coworker #2: I'm kinda beat. I was on my knees, hoeing all weekend.
Coworker #1: Ummm....Excuse me?
Coworker #2: Oh. That didn't come out right. Maybe I should've just said 'gardening.'
21500 Haggerty Road
Northville, Michigan
5PM That's a Wrap
Office manager: Did you see that episode of South Park where they were talking about a camel toe?
Sales assistant: Ooh, lay off the camel toes! I have one. One of my toes is longer than the other and I hate wearing sandals.
[room bursts into snickers]
Sales assistant: What?? Quit making fun of my toes!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM Prepping for Happy Hour
Administrator: Here's my theory on drunk driving: People get caught drunk driving because they never learned how to drive drunk when they were kids.
1445 Ross Avenue
Dallas, Texas
3PM Travel Planning
Professional: So, at the conference we stay four people to a room, two to each double bed.
Student worker: Two people in a double bed?! Can two people even fit in a double bed if they aren't having sex?
60 Washington Square South
New York, New York
Overheard by: amused queer
2PM Employee Discount
Cashier #1: It's my ten month anniversary today!
Cashier #2: That's a long time.
Cashier #1: I know, half of a year!
640 5th Avenue
New York, New York
1PM System Overload
CSR on phone: Help desk, this is James*.
[pause]
CSR: I am sorry, this is the PC and phone help desk. Sounds like you need the facilities help desk if a toilet is stopped up.
[pause]
CSR: Okay sir, I understand, but you need facilites, not the help desk.
[long pause]
CSR: Okay, is it a Windows toilet or a Unix toilet?
Customer, now on speakerphone: Well, there are no windows in this bathroom, so I guess it must be a Unix toilet.
CSR: Okay, I will get a Unix toilet specialist there as soon as we can. Which building and bathroom is it?
[pause]
CSR: Thanks.
[CSR hangs up]
CSR back on phone: Hello, facilities? This is James at the PC help desk. Yeah, I have a doozy for you...try not to laugh...
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
Overheard by: El Gee
12PM Lunch
Woman on phone: Mom, tell my brother that if he doesn't pick up his car, I'm gonna have it towed.
[pause]
Woman on phone: Because I don't want it parked in front of my house.
[pause]
Woman on phone: Because I don't want to advertise to the entire neighborhood that black people live here.
465 Main Street
Charlestown, Massachusetts
11AM Parts Check
Coworker #1: I asked for the parts manager, and she said 'Jerry.' I said, 'Terry?' And she said 'No, J, as in Jerry.'
Coworker #2: That's ridiculous.
Coworker #1: Well, she's in California.
11149 Research Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: HellKitty_01
10AM Stocking the Shelves
Lady: Where are the eggs?
Sales rep at grocery store: I'm sorry, I don't work here.
Lady, turning to husband: She doesn't speak English.
Sales rep: No ma'am, I don't work here.
1300 Elmhurst Road
Des Plaines, Illinois
9AM Back to Work
Coworker on phone: Listen, there's a lot to be said for being punched in the face.
1020 19th Street NW
Washington DC
Overheard by: I just work here
5PM That's a Wrap
Customer #1: Does the Peaks Island Ferry go to Peaks Island?
Ticket agent: Yes.
Customer#1: Does it come back?
Customer #2: No, it's the barge to Hades. It only goes one way.
Casco Bay Lines Ferry Terminal
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Jeff Jenks
4PM Maternity Leave
Worker: What's up with Charlotte*? Is she okay?
Supervisor: I honestly don't know.
Worker: When I was pregnant, I worked all the way up 'til I dropped the load, and then I came back. Kids these days...
1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
3PM Second Opinion
Doctor #1: Where did you say the patient has been recently?
Doctor #2: Ummmmm, Ghana? Something like that?
Doctor #1: So, Africa.
Doctor #2: No, South America.
525 E 68th Street
New York, New York
2PM Smoke Break
Guy: I'm so beat. I stayed out till 4am drinking last night. I was going to go take a nap in the car, but I think that would be too obvious.
Girl: You can take a nap on the picnic table over there. Then maybe a cop will show up and arrest you because he thinks you're homeless.
Guy: Bitch! This is business casual!
23825 Commerce Park
Beachwood, Ohio
1PM Design Meeting
Designer to photo researcher: Try to find a nice child abuse shot.
10801 N. MoPac Expressway
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: always listening
12PM Lunch
Coworker #1: ...but that professor had his hand on my leg the whole night.
Coworker #2: The one who kept talking about torture?
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: Lily Carver
11AM Interview
Interviewer: Tell me about a time when you had to decide something quickly.
Applicant: When I quit my last job. Just one day, I'd had enough.
Interviewer: So...you didn't give notice.
Applicant: It's not like they didn't know it was coming. They laid off a bunch of people later.
Interviewer: What do you think are your greatest strengths?
Applicant: I'm reliable. Very dependable.
301 Industrial Boulevard
Conway, Arkansas
Overheard by: Denise
10AM Conference Call
Coworker on the phone: I've been doing the balls and it's been working.
6412 Maple
Westminster, California
9AM Back to Work
Employee #1: I was on time every day this week.
Employee #2: What? No way. You? Please, you're always late.
Employee #1: No, seriously.
Employee #2: Dude, weren't you late today? You're always late on Fridays.
Employee #1: I got here at 8:35 but normally I show up at 9am, so I wasn't late today.
Employee #2: 8:35 is late. Everyone else shows up at 8.
Employee #1: I have to take my daughter to school so that's why I'm typically late...but um...her school's out now for the summer so...yeah, I just forgot to set my alarm.
3320 West Cheryl Drive
Phoenix, Arizona
5PM That's a Wrap
Tech support: Can you tell if it's an Ethernet cable or a phone cable?
Customer: How do I tell?
Tech support: Well, if you hold it up to the cable attached to your phone and you look at the plug, if it looks the same, you've got a phone cable. If it's bigger, it's probably Ethernet.
Customer: Oh cool. Let me look.
Tech support: WAIT! [dial tone]
711 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM Needs Some Fresh Air
Customer service: Is your desktop on the screen of your laptop?
Customer: Yes.
Customer service: Okay, go ahead and close all windows.
Customer: My apartment does not have any windows.
245 Crossroads Parkway
Bolingbrook, Illinois
3PM Expense Report
Employee: I've never traveled for work before. Is there a per diem, or...?
Boss: Well, there's an allowance of ten dollars a day for breakfast, fifteen dollars a day for lunch, and twenty-five dollars a day for dinner. So, fifty dollars a day. But save all your receipts, you have to turn all of them in to get credit for what you spend.
Employee: So if I ate a banana for breakfast and a banana for lunch...could I go to a Braves game at night?
Boss: [squinting] Uh...
Employee: Okay, how about this: a banana for breakfast, a banana for lunch, and prostitutes in the hotel room?
Boss: You know, why don't you go to a Braves game?
Employee: That sounds great, thank you!
12920 SE 38th Street
Bellevue, Washington
2PM Inventory Check
Dad: [searching through bin of Nalgene bottles] Where is it? I know they have it.
Toddler son: Have what, dad?
Dad: [still searching] The same color bottle I had.
Toddler son: Why do you need a new one, dad?
Dad: Because mommy got drunk and left my old one at her boyfriend's house.
3225 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM Bathroom Break
Coworker: You can totally tell who's in the next toilet cubicle by the sound of the shit when it hits the water.
Harbour Esplanade
Melbourne, Australia
12PM Lunch
Female manager: Where did you eat?
Male manager: My guilty secret...McDonald's!
Female manager: Oh. Don't take this the wrong way, but...I actually don't know anybody who's eaten at a McDonald's.
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
11AM In the Corner Office
VP : So tell me again, why should she get a raise?
Director: She's been with us fifteen years, just completed her Masters and has made a lot of money for us the last 10 years.
VP: Listen, we don't give out raises for people who do a good job. You've gotta have a better reason than that.
1600 East Wendover Avenue
Greensboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Tom Duehring
10AM Student Conference
Teacher: Are you sure that this is a note from your mother?
Kid: Yeah, she wrote it with her own hand.
Teacher: Okay, so you are going to tell me that you were out for two weeks because your mom had to go to Chicago to buy a bed?
Kid: That's right. We only buy our furniture in Chicago.
Teacher: Okay, but I don't believe it. That's like the note you sent me saying you would be attending a funeral in two weeks. That your grandma was going to be dead in two weeks.
Kid: Yeah, so what.
Teacher: Well, you tell me, was that planned or did she come about with some unfortunate accident?
Kid: They can never pin it on me.
Desert Marigold Lane
Las Vegas, Nevada
9AM Back to Work
Sweaty, middle-aged man in running shorts: Hey,wait! Hey, wait! How old are you two?
Young business woman #1: Why?
Sweaty, middle-aged man in running shorts: I just wanted ask one of you out, but I can't tell how old you are under your sunglasses.
Young business woman #2: Umm...no. We're working.
Sweaty, middle-aged man: Oh, never mind.
2825 Eastlake Avenue East
Seattle, Washington
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Did you hear what Gwyneth Paltrow named her new baby?
Peon: Yeah, Moses. That's old news.
Boss: I wonder what she'll name the next one.
Peon: Well, it looks like she's going in order from the Bible. It'll probably be Caleb or Joshua.
Boss: You sure know a lot about the Bible for someone who's not religious.
Peon: I worked in a church for two years, it's hard not to pick something up.
Boss: Oh yeah? My mother's worked in a church for twenty years, and the only thing she's picked up is drinking.
800 East 28th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: jearu
4PM Technical Know-How
Boss on phone: Wait, wait, wait, does your computer have Google on it? Yeah, just type it in there.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Stephanie
3PM Spellcheck
Boss: When you tie something around your mouth so that you can't make sound, what's that called?
Trainee: What?
Boss: Like if somebody is tied up and you put a rag in their mouth, what's that called?
Trainee: A gag?
Boss: How is that spelled?
Trainee: Uhhh...G-A-G.
Boss: How about gagged? Like, somebody is bound and gagged.
Trainee: G-A-G-G-E-D...what the hell?
Boss: It's all part of your training.
550 Eagles Landing Parkway
Stockbridge, Georgia
2PM Small Talk
Coworker: You are very bright today.
QC guy in yellow shirt: Oh, why thank you.
Coworker, walking away: And I don't mean that in the mental sense.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM Affirmative Action
Female employee #1: They're interviewing that guy for the new position.
Female employee #2: No, they can't. We need to hire another woman.
Female employee #1: No way. [whispering] Women are bitches.
1001 North 19th Street
Arlington, Virginia
12PM Lunch
Guy with food in elevator: There's the freaking writing on the wall!
Girl with food: Yeah, I know! Putting it on broccoli? Cheese?! Pretty soon she'll just be eating ketchup by itself!
1285 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
11AM Tech Support
Customer rep on phone: No, ma'am. I'm sorry but I can't come to your room and fix your equipment....because I'm not on the third floor. I'm in Denver and you're in San Francisco.
11400 Westmoor
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: losing patience
10AM Client Meeting
Visiting salesgirl: Hi, I'm here to see Carrie Bradshaw.
Receptionist: Do you mean Carrie Schwartz?
Visiting salesgirl: No, I'm pretty sure her name was Carrie Bradshaw.
Receptionist: We don't have a Carrie Bradshaw. Carrie Bradshaw is from Sex and the City.
245 5th Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Back to Work
Office-wide voicemail from IT person: Attention all H Street associates. The network will be down beginning at 10am...10pm...shit! [Hangs up]
1717 H Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Hamshank Houghmagandie
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker #1: Hey, is this your Eagles CD.
Coworker #2: Yeah, that's mine.
Coworker #3: Bullshit, you don't even know who the fucking eagles are, douchebag.
Coworker #2: It's my fucking CD, I've had since highschool.
Coworker #3: Yeah right, somebody left that on your desk -- there's no way that's yours.
Coworker #2: Bullshit, this is mine.
Coworker #3: Alright, if it's yours name one fucking song by the Eagles, one song!
Coworker #2: Man, I don't know the names of songs, I just know the music.
Coworker #3: Wow, you're fucking ridiculous!
Coworker #2: Okay, okay, well they did "Welcome to the Jungle."
714 4th Street
Corvallis, Oregon
Overheard by: Ryan P
4PM Break Room
Engineer #1: This milk's gone bad.
Engineer #2: So you just put three quarters of a gallon of bad milk back in the fridge?
Engineer #1: I told Hal* this morning and he said he'd take care of it, but obviously never did, so now whoever used it is gonna end up sick in bed tomorrow.
Architect: That's ok, it's supposed to rain tomorrow.
71 West 23rd Street
New York, New York
3PM In the Graphics Pool
Coworker: If you're gonna do it, do it hard so I can't breathe.
113 East Carroll Street
Salisbury, Maryland
2PM Back from Site Visit
Sales guy: How'd the trip go?
IT guy: Went pretty well. Almost had to send your branch manager home though.
Sales guy: Ha, why?
IT guy: After we loaded up all the inventory in an Excel spreadsheet, he kept sorting it wrong. He'd sort just one column. It would scramble the whole thing up and we'd have to delete it and start all over. He did that three times before I banned him from Excel.
Sales guy: You banned him?
IT guy: I banned him.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM Conference Call
Call leader: Whoever has your phone on hold, please take us off hold. We can hear the music.
151 Major Reynolds Place
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: mba
12PM Lunch
Fat lady: I want your 21-piece bucket of chicken.
Rude employee: Is that for here, or to go?
Fat lady: You think I can eat this whole thing by myself?
Rude employee: I don't know your life. Bitch!
1406 Saint Charles Avenue
New Orleans, Louisiana
11AM Research
Staffer working on Patriot Act: Power is always abused; we were putting the Japanese in intermittent camps in the thirties during World War I.
Dirksen Senate Office Building
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Intern
10AM Customer Care
Clerk looking through a tire catalog: Do you know which tire it is?
Customer: Yeah, the back right.
Clerk: No...
Awkward silence
Customer: Oh....no.
30983 Hwy 441 South
Commerce, Georgia
Overheard by: R. Segraves
9AM Back to Work
Admin: It says here, "his marriage stopped due to alcohol and wanking too much."
Pause
Admin: Hold on...... maybe it says "working to much."
101 Whitechapel Road
London, UK
Overheard by: nurse
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker #1 on boss: Is he here? I think his light's out.
Coworker #2: I'm not even going to touch that one.
111 E Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
4PM Afternoon Delivery
Coworker: So, has the National Guard taught you head shots yet?
UPS guy: Nah, but we're gonna start with civilians.
17 Battery Place
New York, New York
Overheard by: Kona Gallagher
3PM Customer Service
Bank teller: I was working drive-through this morning and offered a customer a bone for her dog in the back seat.
Associate: I think it's nice that we do that.
Bank teller: The customer said it wasn't a dog, it was her mother.
801 West Big Beaver Road
Troy, Michigan
2PM Shift Scheduling
Nurse #1: We're short today, and so everyone is supposed to get one extra patient.
Nurse #2: I hate patients.
8260 Atlee Road
Mechanicsville, Virginia
1PM One-on-One
The boss: Some people call it stupidity; I like to call it cleverness.
550 Dulany Street
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Toni
12PM Lunch
Waitress #1: The chicken is layered with proscuitto, sage, and pecorino cheese...
Customer snickers.
Waitress #1: What's so funny?
Customer: It's just... the cheese! [snickers again]
Waitress #1 to waitress #2: What is funny about pecorino cheese?
Waitress # 2: You said "pecker."
Victorian Square
Sparks, Nevada
Overheard by: waitress # 1
11AM To Hear Your Messages
Voicemail: Hello, this is Joe* from engineering, I'm having a problem with my computer, and was told you could help me out. It appears that there is a problem with my fixed dick...er, ficked disk, fisk dick.
[pause]
FIXED DISK.....
4747 Harrison Avenue
Rockford, Illinois
10AM Guided Practice
Student: Crap, I don't know how to start.
Teacher: I can't help you.
Student: Why not?
Teacher: If I knew this kind of crap do you think I'd be working at this ghetto school?
1133 Mission
Oceanside, California
9AM Back to Work
Car dealership counter guy: Yes, may I help you, sir?
Customer: Uh, yeah, I think I blew a seal.
Car dealership counter guy: Pal, that sounds like a personal problem to me.
1499 Route 46
Ledgewood, New Jersey
5PM That's a Wrap
Customer: Excuse me sir, do you think this paint color will look good in my living room?
CSA: I don't know! I've never been in your living room.
150 Route 17 North
East Rutherford, New Jersey
4PM Offering Feedback
Coworker #1: Yeah, so this is what I wrote back to her. [Hands coworker #2 a piece of paper]
Coworker #2: That looks fine, and you made a good argument.
Coworker #1: Yeah, and I wasn't mean.
Coworker #2: No, not at all.
Coworker #1: Though I did sign it "Stop being a fucking moron - Sarah*."
Coworker #2: Good call.
3350 Riverwood Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: n-ro
3PM Assessing Workflow
Consultant on phone: Is a part of the transition plan cloning yourself?
330 University Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
2PM Processing Payroll
Owner's wife on phone: Where are the timesheets?
Girl who was just fired: They are in my hands right now.
Owner's wife: Where are you?
Girl: What do you mean where am I? I'm at your office, you called me here!!
3202 Vie Street
Knoxville, Tennessee
1PM Quality Assurance
Test coordinator: You accidentally assigned the defect to the wrong application.
Tester: Okay, I'll fix that. Sorry for the incontinence.
1111 Polaris Parkway
Columbus, Ohio
12PM Lunch
Coworker: I know anytime I go to a place with Ted Danson's picture on the wall, they are gonna have great food.
200 State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM Checking Calendar
Assistant: We want to confirm that you and your bomb-sniffing dog are on for 4:30.
1 New York Plaza
New York, New York
10AM Saying Hello
Boss: Hello Shannon*, how are you today?
Secretary: Just fine.
Boss: You keepin' outta trouble?
Secretary: Yes.
Boss: Oh... then you haven't heard...?
Secretary: What?!
Boss: Nothin'! I'm just messin' with ya!
1501 Woodfield Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Pirate Wench
9AM Back to Work
Visiting IT guy: You want some crack? Oh, I can get you some crack. You should have said something, I was at Pawley's Island this weekend and had a boatload.
Assistant: Hmm, and you are on crack now. I see your hands are not shaking from withdrawal. Get out of my cubicle.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM That's a Wrap
Accountant: Who do you have to sleep with around here to get fired?
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
4PM Break Room
Coworker #1: Hey, how's it going?
Coworker #2: Good, how're you doing?
Coworker #1: Not bad -- it's almost Friday.
Coworker #2: It is Friday!
Coworker #1: Really?! It's Friday? That's awesome! I thought it was Thursday!
Coworker #2: It's Friday for me -- I've got tomorrow off.
10750 Wheat First Drive
Glen Allen, Virginia
3PM Trip Planning
Wine tech #1: So I heard you are going to France next week.
Wine tech #2: Yup. Next thursday.
Wine tech #1: So how long will it take you to drive there?
8555 Sonoma Highway
Santa Rosa, California
2PM Expanding Customer Base
Phone rings in spare office
Employee answers: Mc-J Advertising.
Psycho/prank caller: I can't take it anymore because of bitches like you!!
Employee hangs up phone. Phone rings again.
Employee: Mc-J Advertising.
Psycho/prank caller: You bitch! You make me want to kill myself! I can't take it anymore!!
Employee: Sir, this is an advertising agency. If you want to advertise your suicide, we can help you with that. Otherwise, you have the wrong number.
205 Brazos
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Valeri Marquart
1PM Following Up on Fax
Admin on phone: I'm sorry I just wanted to double check that you received it. I am a bit of a wigger.
Pause.
Admin: Wigger? You know, I wig out about stuff.
Pause.
Admin: No, I don't know another meaning to the word wigger, but I guess it's bad since your're telling me not to say it.
333 Earle Boulevard
Uniondale, New York
12PM Lunch
Temp: Apparently he eats his cat's leftovers.
140 West 45th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: another temp
11AM Ladies Room
Librarian #1: Is that you, Chelsea*?
Librarian #2: Yes.
Librarian #1: Oh good. I thought I waved to the wrong person.
Librarian #2: Oh, I didn't see you wave.
Librarian #1, exasperated: Well I did it under the stall.
Librarian #2: I was looking at the wall.
Librarian #1, still exasperated: Well, let me do it again then.
401 Merritt 7
Norwalk, Connecticut
Overheard by: Proof Positive
10AM Translation Services
Engineeron phone to production guy: Let me call you back. I might have someone check the Mandarin label for correctness.
. . .
Engineer on phone to production guy: Yeah, Pei* can come by tomorrow at 8:00am to check the label. Is that OK?
Production guy: No.
Engineer: Oh, is that a problem?
Production guy: Yeah, there are a lot of much better looking Chinese girls in the building.
Engineer: Uh...You are on speaker phone.
Three-second silence.
Production guy: Well uh yeah, that should be fine.
800 Beaty Street
Davidson, North Carolina
9AM Back to Work
Male co-worker : Is that Elaine* I hear? Does she want to see my tool?
Pause
Boss: Would you like to re-phrase that?
3001 8th Avenue
Evans Colorado
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