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May 2006 Archives
5PM That's a Wrap
Voice on elevator emergency intercom: Hello? Hello?
Confused woman who just got on: Um.....yes?
Voice: Yes, I'm Karen* from American Express. Can I please speak with Shin Chen*?
Woman: Um...No... You just reached an elevator.
Voice: Oh! Well, thank you for using American Express. If you have any questions, please call 1-800-555-1234*. Thanks for using American Express and have a great day!
541 Willamette Street
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: the other passenger
4PM Brainstorming Session
New training manager: Back in the day, I had a great idea. I know we're into this touchy-feely self-esteem human resource stuff, but I said: "Take the supervisor who has the highest rate of unqualified, untrained direct reports, walk him to the end of the pier, and shoot him!" They told me I couldn't do that. But it would have been effective!
75 Eastern Point Road
Groton, Connecticut
3PM Call Center
CSR: So then he goes, "This is Motorola, right? Because with that voice of yours, for a second there, I thought I called the wrong number" oh, but it didn't stop there...he keeps on with "you know, like, a 900 number, right?" I mean, eww...I did not need to know that.
1301 East Algonquin
Schaumburg, Illinois
2PM Raising Headcount
Recruiter for aid programs in Afghanistan: I talked with one Mark Johnson* -- an 82-year-old WWII vet. He doesn't hear well, but would love to see some combat. I told him that I would see what we could arrange.
Manager: Ummm...
Recruiter: Dude, sarcasm?
7250 Woodmont Avenue
Bethesda, Maryland
1PM Backlog in Booking
Guy on bench: I know, this is ridiculous. I've been waiting three hours to turn myself in.
Precinct 1
Cincinnati, Ohio
12PM Lunch
Coworker #1: If she had been paying attention, she would have caught that.
Coworker #2: Does she know to look for it?
Coworker #1: No, she doesn't know enough to look for it. I'm not ready to show her that, yet.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
11AM Checking Gmail
Intern at computer, to self: I gotta get out of this relationship. She's sending me pictures of jewelry.
3330 Founders Road
Indianapolis, Indiana
10AM Ops Meeting
Operations manager: We have to work on communication. We are not communicating with each other. It's a fault of everybody's, not to say it's a fault, but it is a weakness -- not just of mine but of everyone's. Maybe not a weakness so much as a failing.
1190 North Del Rio Place
Ontario, California
9AM Back to Work
Supervisor to dark-skinned Indian employee: Were you out much this weekend? You are so tan.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
5PM That's a Wrap
Tech on phone in next cube: How can I help you? ... Uh huh. Well like it said in the doc, you have to name the files alphabetically for that to work. ... Alphabetically means from A to Z. ... No, sir, you can't name one file code_abc and the next one code_aba, a is before c... Yes, abz would work. ... Numbers come before letters. ... You're welcome. [hangs up phone] Fuck this shit, I can't even smoke it. I'm going home!
800 S Canal Street
Chicago, Illinois
4PM Smoke Break
Male coworker: There's nothing worse than feeling not-so-fresh when you have a doctor between your legs.
Female coworker just walking into the conversation: Huh?
200 Constitution Avenue
Washington, DC
3PM Covering All the Bases
Employee: We just need the style guide to spell out everything, in complete detail. It's mainly for like, legal reasons; to cover our bases.
Intern trainee: Oh. So I guess it's like how blow-dryer labels say "do not put in mouth while in use." Not like it's a pressing issue, but there's always that one retard that's gonna fuck shit up.
Employee: Uh...sure.
Intern: OK, cool. As long as I'm getting this.
777 San Marin Drive
Novato, California
Overheard by: Max Guevara
2PM Personnel Changes
Manager to department head: That guy is a real Einstein, why did you hire him?
Department head: I didn't hire him, you did. I call him Einstein.
Manager: You gonna fire him?
Department head: Can't, you hired him, you gotta fire him.
Manager: Hey, Einstein! Come here for a minute.
Einstein comes up to manager.
Manager: Einstein, anyone ever tell you that you are sharp as a marble?
Einstein: Gee, no, thanks!
Manager: Einstein, you are just too sharp for this job, I have to let you go.
Einstein: GEE! Thanks!
12 Oaks Mall
Novi, Michigan
1PM Quality Control
Supervisor: You can't be doing stuff wrong all the time.
Waitress: I'm not the only one doing stuff wrong. You do a lot wrong, too.
Supervisor: I can do more wrong because I do more right. It evens out.
1770 Mill Street
Wailuku, Hawaii
12PM Lunch
Food service worker: What type of soda would you like today?
Female customer: Large.
Food service worker: Yes, mam'm. But what type or flavor did you want?
Female customer: I said large.
Food service worker: Yes, ma'am. Diet Coke? Sprite? Coke? What type?
Female customer: Are you fucking stupid or something? Large. A large soda. How many times do I have to tell you?
San Diego Mall Food Court
San Diego, California
11AM Working Reception
Obese hillbilly: Yeah, my girl come to get a pregnancy test.
Older Southern lady: I see.
Obese hillbilly: I told her if she would just let me go fishing more we wouldn't be dealing with this shit.
Thomas County Health Department
Thomasville, Georgia
10AM Compliance Concerns
New training manager: Can't believe there are so many deliquencies on the video training, when all you have to do is click to open it, and then walk away and do real work.
75 Eastern Point Road
Groton, Connecticut
9AM Back to Work (Or Not)
Voicemail: Please state your name and excuse for absence.
Employee: I'm too drunk to drive.
167 3rd Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
Customer service manager: Okay, now I'm going to grab my hipflask, hide behind the bushes, and drink myself stupid.
98 Toryork
North York, Ontario
Canadia
4PM Second Shift
Customer: What's the difference between fiction and nonfiction? I always forget.
Dumbfounded coworker: Ummmm, nonfiction is true and fiction isn't.
Next customer. . .
Coworker: Hi, do you need help?
Customer: Yeah, are we on the east coast or the west coast?
Dumfounded coworker: east coast [rolls eyes].
Customer: Then why do you sell books on west coast birds?
Angry manager: Because people like to go on vaction to bird watch.
Customer: That's stupid. I don't even know why my wife wants to look at these stupid birds anyway.
Angry manager to dumbfounded coworker: It's gonna be one of those days, isn't it?
Dumbfounded coworker: Yeah, all the retards are out tonight.
425 Jerico Turnpike
Syosset, New York
3PM Snack Run
Male supervisor: Give Janet* one of those chocolate pretzel things. Because she's going on vacation and doesn't have to fit into a bathing suit this weekend.
Janet*, aside: I swear, random people have been coming up to me all day asking about my supposed nude beach trip to Jamaica.
Male supervisor: Let it all hang out, baby.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
2PM Summer Internship Starts
Intern: Where's will-call? I have to drop off tickets.
Security dude: Will Call? Who's that? [Calls manager over]
Manager chick: You're looking for Will?
662 6th Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Production Services
Manager: Hey there... What are you doin?
Support: Just some really ugly updates to [client]'s website
Manager: Ahh, who cares as long as it's billable.
Support pauses. . .
Manager: It is billable, right?
8840 Commons Boulevard
Twinsburg, Ohio
12PM Lunch
Proofreader: I have a totally exciting life . . . I think it's why I eat so much candy.
140 East 45th Street
New York, New York
11AM Personal Call
Architect on phone: Alright, you're not understanding me. [pause] Okay, what if I keep this one, but eat the other one... Look, I just need to know can I get any diseases or bacteria from these kittens or what?
2020 South King Street
Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: crackin up
10AM Jury Selection
Defense attorney: Good morning prospective ladies and gentlemen -- I mean, jurors.
125 East 8th Avenue
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: the unchosen
9AM Back to Work
Boss: I sent you an email.
Assistant: Oh, thanks.
Pause
Boss: You going to read it?
Assistant: No, I don't do emails anymore. I gave that up.
Boss: Hmmm.... I like that. "I don't do emails anymore". I like that. I'm going to go with it.
Assistant: Yeah, it's working for me so far.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Oh you fucking idiot!
Pause
Boss: Why don't you just go home, you wanker!
Boss walks out of the office.
Employee: Who are you yelling at?
Boss: Me, I'm going home!
301 Pirie Street
Adelaide, Australia
Overheard by: Jessica
4PM Coffee Break
Coworker #1: Was it a Woody Allen movie?
Coworker #2: No, it was a comedy.
1865 Grandstand
Elgin, Illinois
3PM Research Issue
Proofreader #1: Is this a word?
Proofreader #2: No.
Proofreader #1: Then what is it?
140 East 45th Street
New York, New York
2PM Long-term Planning
Employee #1: I just don't understand the point of Martin Luther King Day.
Emoloyee #2: Come on! It's a big day! It celebrates when Martin Luther King freed the slaves.
Employee #1: That was Abraham Lincoln.
Employee #2: Oh. Well, it celebrates when Martin Luther King gave the Emancipation Proclamation.
Employee #1: That was also Abraham Lincoln.
Employee #2: Oh. I'm not very good at history.
821 Benvenue
Rocky Mount, North Carolina
1PM Identifying Next Actions
Attorney: Well, that client is single now.
Secretary: Really?
Attorney: I'm going to have to lose 20 pounds. Bring me my pills.
415 South Ohio
Sedalia, Missouri
12PM Lunch
Supervisor, watching The Apprentice: I like that British guy, I hope he wins. Or that English guy. Wait, what's the difference?
Coworker: Are you kidding?
Supervisor: There's a difference, right? Do they want to be called something else?
800 Market Street
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Erin Eff
11AM Debriefing
Salesguy: Hon? No, i didn't call her "hon". . . I don't even call my wife "hon." Isn't that one of those... terms of endearmeants? Is that what it's called? [Pause] I do use the B-word a lot.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM Shooting On Location
Crackhead: I know you... you are that guy from TV.
Ryan Seacrest: Yeah... it's me
Crackhead: You're that guy from Fear Factor.
Ryan Seacrest: No... I'm on that other show, American Idol... You might have heard of it?
Crackhead: Look at me... I ain't got no TV.
6th Street
Austin, Texas
9AM Back to Work
Employee: Are you yanking my chain?
Boss: Oh, you'll feel it when I'm yanking your chain.
111 E Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
5PM That's a Wrap
Assistant: Sir?
Boss: Don't talk to me. It's Game Seven.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Lindroid
4PM Consensus-Building
Salesperson: But yeah, I agree with you -- you should really stop pissing on my shoes when we go to the toilet together.
Reihstrasse 28
Aachen, Germany
Overheard by: PW
3PM Breakroom
Customer service clerk #1: Whew! It stinks in here. Did the bug exterminator guy spray for bugs in here today?
Customer service clerk #2: No, one of the sales reps just walked through. You are smelling salesman cologne.
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
2PM Facilities Issues
HR assistant: So, Paul*, when are you gonna take a look at my thing? I'm bursting at the seams, right?
Paul the safety director: [laughing] I can't look now -- and will never look at your thing.
HR assistant: But, dang it! I need some space! Look at how my file cabinets are overflowing!!
Paul: HR isn't the only department that needs filing space!
HR assistant: [sighs] I just need someone to look and to care!
4730 South Fort Apache
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Corporate Paralegal
1PM Meeting Prep
Passing hallway drone: You're so far off from being okay that I don't even know where to begin.
304 Park Avenue South
New York, New York
12PM Lunch
Coworker #1: I think he had some kind of superdog
Coworker #2: What is a Superdog?
Coworker #1: I think they are dogs that do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to retarded kids or something.
Coworker #2: Oh... okay, yeah, I know the ones.
5885 NW Cornelius Pass Road
Hillsboro, Oregon
Overheard by: Curious Listener
11AM Call Transfer
CSR #1: A guy on line 260 needs pricing.
Tech: His name is Pricing?
CSR #2: No, his name is "A guy."
4123 E La Palma
Anaheim, California
10AM Picking Up Printouts
Office manager: I finally got pants on my monkey. But his tail won't go through the hole.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Back to Work
Attorney Jim*: So is this what the embarassed silence sounds like?
Attorney Keith*: Yes. I feel awful.
Attorney Lou*: I'd give Jim's right nut to be asleep right now.
Keith: Totally. I don't know what time you guys left, but I didn't get home until 2.
Jim: I'm not sure what time we left either. But the tattoo parlor was closed. That I'm definite on.
Keith: Oh, that's too bad. I wish the room would stop spinning.
Attorney Mark*: I feel amazing today. There is nothing like coming in completely hungover and talking to Natasha* about how retarded she is. Lou, I killed you in our drink contest. You had like five wines. You're a lightweight.
Jim: Hey Mark, how's that hickey on the side of you face, you homo?
717 Madison Place NW
Washington, DC
5PM That's a Wrap
Guy on phone: Why didn't you tell me you didn't get the fax?
Pause
Guy on phone: Well I specifically wrote on the fax cover sheet, "If you don't get this, call me."
265 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Ray Del Savio
4PM OSHA Regulations
Male bather: Oww! That dog just scratched my nipple!
Female groomer: Now you know why we wear boulder-holders.
92-12 Liberty Avenue
Ozone Park, New York
3PM Smoke Break
Coworker: I just can't do PCP socially anymore. It's such a mess.
5100 S MoPac
Austin, Texas
2PM Customer Care
Passenger: Is this flight going to be full?
CSR #1: Yes, we expect a full flight today, sir.
Passenger: Why is that?
CSR #1: Um... well, I guess a lot of people made reservations, sir.
Passenger: Uh...No, I mean, it's Tuesday. People don't fly on Tuesdays.
CSR # 2, whispering to coworker: Wow! A talking dog!
Avenida Tael S/N, MEX (Mexico City International Airport)
Overheard by: Trece
1PM Number Crunching
Employee: Do you have the budget?
Executive: Yeah, I just don't know where Dingle Farts put it, you know, Marcus*.
Employee: You know you're on speakerphone, right?
Pause
Employee and executive erupt in laughter.
Pause
Executive: He's right there, isn't he? He's always right there, lurking...
6423 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
11AM Department Meeting
Marketing muckety-muck: ...I mean, you can put all the jewels that you want to on that girl, but if she doesn't have the surgery, it's not going to do any good.
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
10AM Sorting Applications
Office manager: Ohh, this one speaks Spanish.
Sales guy: Where's he from?
Office manager: No, no, he's an English guy that speaks Spanish.
Sales guy: Oh!
Office manager: So he can translate everything that Ramiro* in the warehouse is trying to tell us!
Sales guy: Plus one for the Spanish-speaker!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Back to Work
Hosting rep: Alright sir, I reset your password so you can log in.
Pause
Hosting rep: Are you ready for it now?
Pause
Hosting rep: Ok sir, it's all capital letters... It is I-D-1-0-T.
4800 Concentric Boulevard
Saginaw, Michigan
5PM That's a Wrap
Attorney: This work shit has got to stop. It's really bringing me down.
301 Merritt Seven
Norwalk, Connecticut
4PM Personal Call
Coworker on phone: Hello? Hi honey. Yes? No, no. Mayonnaise. M-A-Y-O-N-E-S. M-A-Y-O-N-E-S. Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise? Mayonnaise? M. A. Y. O. N. N. A. I. S. E. Mayonnaise? Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Okay, see you tonight.
1150 Amsterdam Avenue
New York, New York