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March 2006 Archives
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Okay [Megan], you're going to do all the work and I'm going to go get drunk.
Admin: Okay.
Boss: Oh, why was I born? I should've married rich.
Admin: Rich who?
99 Wall Street
New York, NY
4PM Sensitivity Training
Boss on phone: If I ever do something that dumb again I want you to hit me. Hit me like a woman!
1621 18th Street
Denver, Colorado
3PM Smoke Break
Peon #1: Why is Laura gone already?
Peon #2: She had some medical stuff done today, I believe through the rectum, so she went home.
1441 West Long Lake Road
Troy, Michigan
2PM Tech Support
Boss: [Bryan], can you help me? I can't seem to find my HTML. It's just not there anymore.
15 Altarinda Road
Orinda, California
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Are they going to do that thing where they make it get darker earlier again this year?
Co-worker #2: You mean Daylight Savings? Yes, I think so. I think it happens pretty much every year.
171 17th Street NW
Atlanta, Georgia
12PM Call an Ambulance
Worker #1: Ow! I just gave my face a paper cut!
Worker #2: Are you serious?
Worker #1: Uh...no.
685 Cathcart Street
Montreal, Quebec
Canadia
Overheard by: Timmy O' Toole
11AM Reports Due
Co-worker: I was trying to fix the report, but it is unedible.
Boss: It doesn't taste good?
222 Severn Avenue
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: Tits McGee
10AM Application Performance Testing
Tester #1: This kinda seems like that Olivia Newton-John video for Let's Get Physical, don't you think?
Tester #2: No.
901 Lakeside Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: mr.doitall
9AM Back to Work
Manager: I should send you guys a screenshot of my desktop. It looks like Bill Gates threw up all over it.
17601 Brook Park Road
Brook Park, Ohio
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker: Where the fuck are the urinals?
Stall: Wrong bathroom, buddy.
1055 North Cruise Boulevard
Port of Miami, Florida
Overheard by: WordPower
4PM Retreat Planning Committee
Boss #1: So this year's convention will be at the MGM Graham in Las Vegas...What?
Boss #2: Did you say "graham" like graham cracker?
Boss #1: It's not "graham"?
3411 Pinnacle Gardens Drive
Louisville, Kentucky
3PM Coffee Break
Payroll: Have you been outside today? It's getting really warm!
Employee: Yes, I magically teleported here this morning without ever stepping outside.
22342 Avenida Empresa
Rancho Santa Margarita, California
2PM Get Receipts to Billing
Boss: Did you find that receipt?
Underling: No, it's not in the receipt file. I checked every receipt for the last six months. It's not there.
Boss: Why don't you look again?
Underling: I knew you'd ask, so I looked twice already. It's not there. Is there somewhere else that you put receipts?
Boss: No, only the receipt file. But if it's not in there, it's not a big deal. Later today, if you have time, why don't you look again in the file?
Underling: Okay, but if it's not there now, it won't be there later.
Boss: Yeah okay, but why don't you just look again?
1028 East Private Road 1200 North
Farmersburg, Indiana
1PM Lunch
Clerk: Why is there a wet floor sign on the carpet?
Supervisor: Sometimes I get excited.
Clerk: I miss working with you. You always know just what to say.
1201 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Jessica Kalup
12PM Monitor Calls
CSR on phone: No ma'am, I cannot get the part to you today. If I could beam myself to your house and deliver the part myself, I would. But since I can't, you will have to wait for overnight shipping.
553 Benson Road
Benton Harbor, Michigan
11AM Radio for Backup?
Admin: Some angry guys are going to come in the office looking for one of the executives. They may threaten you and yell at you but just tell them to go away. Whatever you do, don't bother us with it.
Receptionist: Okay, while I'm up here fighting for my life, I'll be sure not to bother you all.
817 West Peachtree Street NW
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Elle George
10AM Division Meeting
Division Manager: I hate it when logic happens.
1930 Bishop Lane
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Doug Whitworth
9AM Back to Work
Editor #1: Should we tell the author we lost that whole section of the manuscript?
Editor #2: No, let's not announce that we're incompetent.
Editor #1: Yeah, let's let it be a surprise.
8700 Shoal Creek Boulevard
Austin, Texas
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Can I see your boobs today?
Underling: Now would be a good time to put in my two weeks.
950 Eller Drive
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
4PM Restock Cabinet
Co-worker #1: Oh, you have some good supplies. Anything I can steal?
Co-worker #2: Uh, you can have some markers.
Co-worker #1: No, that's okay; I've got markers up the ass.
633 North St. Clair Street
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: I heard the new branch manager is a propeller head.
Co-worker #2: What's a propeller head?
Co-worker #1: A computer geek.
Co-worker #2: Oh no...I heard he is very knowledgable in computers.
6600 Preston Avenue
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Terri C
2PM Data Entry
Worker: No, it's not here. I have Wang in my box...What? What did I say?
40 Apple Ridge Road
Danbury, Connecticut
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: The pollen is so bad, this morning I coughed up a flower.
Worker #2: Oh my god, are you serious?
Worker #1: Uh...no.
6355 MetroWest Boulevard
Orlando, Florida
12PM Schedule Follow-ups
Director: I have you down for 8AM.
Analyst: I can't at that time. I have to drop off my son at day care.
Director: That's okay, I'll do you later.
4302 Town Center Boulevard
El Dorado Hills, California
11AM Project Meeting
Worker #1: Check it out, [Brad]'s actually being useful!
Worker #2: I don't believe it. And I'm not even going to look because I refuse to look at things that I know are lies.
740 Dundas Street East
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
10AM Update PR File
CTO: My interview article is in USA Today!
Programer: Can you send me the link? Never mind, I'll just Google "USA Today".
600 Newport Center Drive
Newport Beach, California
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: Oh, I'm so glad you are here.
Co-worker #2: Why?
Co-worker #1: Because I got my hand stuck in the hole.
6 Campus Drive
Parsippany, New Jersey
5PM That's a Wrap
Admin: What time is it in France?
Worker: I think it's February.
Admin: Really?
3239 Satellite Boulevard
Duluth, Georgia
4PM Schedule Pitch
Supervisor: The contact name is "Ding Ding"?
Co-worker: Yes.
Supervisor: And he lives in his car behind K-mart?
1001 Roeder Avenue
Bellingham, Washington
Overheard by: Chris Shard
3PM Coffee Break
Receptionist: You should use tap water instead of Poland Spring to make coffee.
Secretary: You make coffee your way, and we'll make it our way.
Receptionist: How much do each of those jugs cost?
Secretary: What? Look, just...The water is brown and it smells bad.
Receptionist: The water is not brown and it does not smell bad.
Secretary: Well, you're entitled to your opinion.
Receptionist: Since when is a known fact an opinion?
113 University Place
New York, NY
2PM Find My Hole Puncher--Again
Network Administrator: I'm like a successful pimp. I punch three hos at a time!
859 Cotting Court
Vacaville, California
1PM Lunch
Sales Manager: How am I supposed to give you the Heimlich if you have your door shut?
2176 Avenue C
Bethlehem, Pennsylvania
12PM Monitor Call Desk
CSR: I can't understand her. She's confusing me...She's talking all smart and stuff.
3320 West Cheryl Drive
Phoenix, Arizona
11AM Work on Template
Temp: I have a few questions about the PowerPoint project that I'm trying to get my head around.
Manager: Okay.
Temp: So what do you want again?
Manager: I just want a template...Something visual that we can use over and over.
Temp: What do you want in it?
Manager: I don't know. That's why I want a template. So I need you to create something that looks like the department standard, with our logo and so on, the right corporate background color, with dummy copy as placeholders.
Temp: So where do I find the words you want in it?
Manager: They don't exist yet. We're working on that. That's why it's a template and not a final project.
Temp: So what do you want in all the boxes?
Manager: Nothing. Just a place so I can go in and write it. I just want a formatted background and text boxes in place.
Temp: Right, but what should I put in the text boxes?
Manager: Whatever you want.
Temp: So let me get this right: You want me to create a PowerPoint with place for different words.
Manager: Yes.
Temp: But you don't know what the words are?
Manager: That's why it's a template.
Temp: I see. So I will just use one of the PowerPoint templates.
Manager: No. It needs to be in the style of the company. Those are too generic.
Temp: I'm confused.
Manager: It seems so.
Temp: Can I just do it in Word?
111 East 59th Street
New York, NY
10AM Data Validation
Agent on phone: When did you die? While you were in the hospital?
37383 6 Mile Road
Livonia, Michigan
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker: Ew, I just walked through someone's fart cloud.
4575 Ruffner Street
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Olivia Gomez
7PM That's a Wrap
Analyst: Is it past 6:30 yet?
Associate: Yeah, it's almost 7.
Analyst: Great, I can go back to my cubicle and fart in peace.
1200 F Street NW
Washington, DC
5PM Looks Like I'm Staying Late
Boss: We had so many ideas outside of the box we needed a box to keep them in.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
4PM Update Database
Co-worker #1: Wow! That's the longest email I've ever gotten from a customer.
Co-worker #2: Really? What is it?
Co-worker #1: [Kateunderscorelee]@yahoo.com
Co-worker #2: That's not long...Oh! Um, do you know what an "underscore" is? You don't spell it out.
1001 Roeder Avenue
Bellingham, Washington
Overheard by: Chris Shard
3PM Smoke Break
Employee #1: There's a fire in the kitchen!
Employee #2: Should we call the fire department or pull the alarm or something?
Employee #3: No, because they'll make us evacuate.
259 Prospect Plains Road
Cranbury, New Jersey
2PM Order Supplies
Designer: Sure I'll take a notepad. As long as there's not cats on the cover.
111 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
1PM Lunch
Director: It's one of those chicken-before-the-horse things.
925 4th Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Blaque Mackintosh
12PM Update Personnel Files
Manager #1: Are you sure you don't need anything more? We've got the extra money to spend.
Manager #2: Haven't you heard? I'm cheap and easy. It doesn't take much to please me.
Peon: That's what I read on the intranet last week.
5442 Martway Street
Mission, Kansas
Overheard by: Office Gnome
11AM Design Meeting
Project manager: Thanks, [Craig].
Art director: You mean [Jose]? He's [Craig].
Project manager: I mean [Jose]. Sorry, I got you mixed up since you're both wearing yellow shirts.
Art director: My shirt isn't yellow. Neither is [Craig's].
6501 Legacy Drive
Plano, Texas
10AM Call Building Maintenance
Secretary: Y'all like sittin' in the dark?
Co-worker #1: You just gotta get used to it. The lights are broken.
Secretary: So y'all really like to sit in the dark.
Co-worker #2: Well, I think they went out over the weekend.
Secretary: So y'all really like to sit in the dark...Just like in the Underground Railroad.
1425 K Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: callmeahab
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker: I mean, we don't really work in an office. We don't even have desks. Okay, I do have a desk but it's not, like, mine. It's just a desk I'm at every day that I keep all my shit at. But it doesn't have my name on it. Or a chair.
1050 Caribbean Way
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Word Power
5PM Finally, the Weekend
Secretary: [Helen]'s not here. She must be someplace else.
12555 Euclid Street
Garden Grove, California
4PM Group Meeting
Group Manager: Just to let you know, your boss went to go get his AIDS shot for his travel to India.
Co-worker: What I don't understand is, why don't we all get the AIDS shot?
Group Manager: Um, that was a joke.
440 9th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: John Leffler
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: Stupid fucking Back Office Support people are retarded.
Worker #2: Fuck the fucking fuckers.
Worker #1: Amen...without the sex part.
Worker #2: Heh, their pillow talk would go something like this: "You are the one that is hot, that is what I am telling you now."
1601 Bryan Street
Dallas, Texas
2PM Review Candidates
Boss #1: We can use [Derek] as our field supervisor; he knows how to do the work.
Boss #2: Is he still a drunk?
Boss #1: Yeah. His wife left him.
Boss #2: He has always been a drinker.
Boss #1: So we'll put him in charge of everything and he can run the crews. We'll pay his expenses and give him the company truck.
Boss #2: Okay. Sounds good to me. Maybe stuff will start getting done now.
8221 NW Expressway Street
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Hey, I just made up a new job title for myself.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, what is it?
Co-worker #1: I'd like to be called the System Operations Liaison. Or S.O.L. for short.
Co-worker #2: Ha, ha!
Co-worker #1: Man, I crack myself up.
2414 1st Avenue South
Seattle, Washington
12PM Project Meeting
Manager: The first deadline is April 31st and second deadline is May 31st.
Employee: There's no 31st in April...So we have just one deadline.
Cyber Gateway building
HITEC City, Hyderabad
India
11AM Comps Due
Manager: Why are you sending me comps at 1:30 in the morning?
Designer: Because I wanted to work on them at home, and then when I was home I couldn't work on them until Loveline was on the air and I could listen to some relationship advice at the same time.
Manager: Oh, that makes perfect sense.
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
10AM Requisition a Broom
Exec: Who made a mess over here by the shredder?
Assistant: I was throwing confetti at myself.
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
9AM Back to Work
Worker: If you see [Jen] or [Jake], can you tell them I need to talk to them?
Boss: What for?
Worker: I just need to ask them about this thing for Thursday.
Boss: Oh, I don't know anything about that. You'll have to ask [Jen] or [Jen] about it.
120 West First Avenue
Mesa, Arizona