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February 2006 Archives
5PM That's a Wrap
Assistant #1: I want to stab my eyes out. Is that normal?
Assistant #2: Yes.
Assistant #1: Just wanted to make sure.
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
4PM Work on Spreadsheets
CCA: My Excel's not working.
Manager: I don't care.
CCA: What should I do if my Excel's not working and you don't care?
Manager: Call the Ghostbusters.
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
3PM Smoke Break
Clerk #1: Hey [David], what are you up to?
Clerk #2: Working. You should try it sometime.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
2PM Team Meeting
Employee: It's called toxic shock syndrome. We have to hurry and finish this meeting.
23133 Outer Drive
Allen Park, Michigan
1PM Lunch
Account Manager: I totally disagree with this, with every fiber of my being.
Creative Director: Wow, thats a lot of fiber.
720 East Pete Rose Way
Cincinnati, Ohio
12PM Reboot Servers
Unix Admin #1: Hey [Garth], are you hung?
Unix Admin #2: Yeah, I would say that we all are.
8001 Development Drive
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: El Gee
11AM Beta Testing
Director: We simply can't idiot-proof everything. Sometimes the idiots just have to suffer and die.
Co-worker: I think that's called "evolution".
2100 I-70 Drive SW
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Amy Zing
10AM Work Phone
Staff Auditor: Hey [Senior Audtior], your wife is on the phone. Should we tell her the audit room smells too badly and you will call her back?
Senior Auditor: Yeah...
2345 Crystal Drive
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Smell E. Lotz
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: Man, I could use a nap.
Co-worker #2: I'm right there with you...Well, not right there with you.
111 SW Fifth Avenue
Portland, Oregon
5PM Out of Here
Messenger: Going down?
Passenger: You want we should go sideways?
15 West 39th Street
New York, NY
4PM Update Resume
Co-worker #1: I have my big meeting tomorrow.
Co-worker #2: What meeting?
Co-worker #1: You know! The meeting where I'm going to stand up and say, "Fuck this! I quit!"
122 South Main Street
Ann Arbor, Michigan
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: She came over to our area, started bothering us, and then complained about the noise. She just gets me really riled up sometimes.
Co-worker #2: The other girls seem to like her.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, that's why you have to be nice to her. Otherwise I'd set her on fire.
383 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: kt
2PM Reports Due
Suit #1: Hey, I can't believe you actually remembered to take care of it.
Suit #2: Why? I have a great memory. I can't remember the last time I forgot something.
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: I swear, you'd think we never eat the way we jump on the free food.
Co-worker #2: If it weren't for work I don't think I would eat.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, but I always forget and eat and then I have to eat again when it's free.
Co-worker #2: Not me. I wait for it. But sometimes that's bad, 'cause like, then one day I'll be hungry and I'll be all like, "Why didn't you guys have a meeting today?!"
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Schedule Interviews
Co-worker #1: What happened to that [Veronica] girl?
Co-worker #2: She quit already.
Co-worker #1: After one day?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I don't think she was that into this whole thing.
Co-worker #1: What, marketing?
Co-worker #2: No...Work.
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Peter
11AM Company Meeting
Employee #1: So you're saying the rumors about the possible merger aren't true?
Board Member: Yes. It's like we're dating. We're going out but we haven't kissed yet.
Employee #2: You may not have kissed yet, but it sure seems like you're sleeping together.
1500 Wallace Boulevard
Amarillo, Texas
10AM Pick Up Package
Worker #1: I'm expecting my new inbox today.
Worker #2: You're pregnant again?
Worker #1: ...
6475 SW Fallbrook Place
Beaverton, Oregon
9AM Back to Work
Clerk: I got an error message on that email I sent.
Manager: Well, then you aren't holding your mouth right, are ya?
Clerk: What?
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
5PM Here's the Weekend
Manager: Have a good weekend.
Underling: You're leaving?
Manager: You're not.
452 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Bob
4PM Order Supplies
Co-worker #1: You have a thing for my stapler, don't you?
Co-worker #2: I have to play with something. Better the stapler than myself.
127 Public Square
Cleveland, Ohio
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: My fiance and I are going to LA this weekend, and I'm trying to lose a pound or two before then so my friends don't think I'm pregnant.
1600 Amphitheatre Parkway
Mountain View, California
2PM Schedule Basic Phone Course
Engineer #1: I just lost that guy.
Engineer #2: Didn't you transfer him up front?
Engineer #1: He'll call back.
The phone rings.
Engineer #1 on phone: Hello? ...Uh, yeah, sorry about that...Here you go.
The phone rings.
9531 Rayne Road
Sturtevant, Wisconsin
1PM Lunch
Intern #1: So are you lactose intolerant?
Intern #2: No, I'm not lactose intolerant, it just makes my throat close up.
304 Hudson Street
New York, NY
12PM Actuarial Seminar
Instructor: My entire pedagogical technique is based on James Bond.
700 Royal Avenue
New Westminster, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: SarahSideEffect
11AM Damage Control
Co-worker on phone: I'm sorry, can you say that again?...I'm sorry...I'm having some trouble understanding what you're trying to say...Why don't you have your boss call me and we can get this straightened out?
Hangs up.
Co-worker: Just go back to your motherfucking country...Christ.
839 Marshall Phelps Road
Windsor, Connecticut
Overheard by: Douchey Douchelton
10AM Call Repairman
Telecom guy: Hi, I'm here to fix [Barry]'s phone
[Larry]: It's [Larry], actually.
Telecom guy: Whatever.
International Broadcast Center
via Nizza
Torino, Italy
Overheard by: jk
9AM Back to Work
Engineer #1: You ever have one of those drives into work where you swear they're giving out driver's licenses as prizes in people's cereal in the morning?
Engineer #2: Mine came with a free decoder ring!
151 Court Street
Binghamton, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
Project Manager: What's that band-aid on your neck for?
Owner: I had a melanoma removed.
Worker: Oh, I thought you were on the patch, but I didn't know they made a patch for "Asshole".
Owner: No, it's for hemorrhoids. I'm going to disappear.
8929 Rosedale Highway
Bakersfield, California
4PM Department Meeting
Designer: Have you seen [Dustin] around?
Writer: Nope.
Designer: Hmm. I haven't checked his office yet.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
3PM Smoke Break
Agent: Can you believe that? I totally lied to her face and she had the gall not to take it as the truth!
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
2PM Unclog Machine
Admin: The fax machine says "jam error". Is that on our end or theirs?
100 Parsonage Road
Edison, New Jersy
1PM Lunch
Owner: 28 cents isn't a lot, but after 100 times spending it, that's $28. Listen man, $28 is a bottle of champagne! Instead of throwing it in the trash can, I can drink it, man! $28 on top of $28...That starts to add up to a few bottles of champage and pretty girls and a nice dinner!
8860 NW 24th Terrace
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Amanda
12PM Reports Due (?)
Drone #1: Do you need the reports immediately?
Drone #2: Yeah, but not right now.
2929 North 44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
11AM Update Site
User: We want a tutorial on the website's front page so we know how to use the website.
Tech: Well, from the front page, you just click on "Help"...
User: Yes, but we want the instructions themselves on the front page.
Tech: I'm sorry, no. The user's only allowed to be so stupid here. They can click on the help button.
User: Oh, okay!
695 Palmer Drive
Raleigh, North Carolina
10AM Check Classifieds
Worker: What?
Boss: What?
Worker: Were you talking to me?
Boss: No, to myself.
Worker: Sorry.
Boss: How dare you eavesdrop on a conversation I'm having with myself!
8403 South Park Circle
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Mary H
9AM Back to Work
Secretary: Hey [Manny], I see you! I see you! I have implants,so I can see everything.
University of Richmond Special Programs Building
Richmond, Virginia
5PM That's a Wrap
Worker #1: The cell phone is ringing.
Worker #2: What do I do?
301 North Etheridge Street
Bonifay, Florida
4PM Buy New Fax
Boss: So that fax machine is jamming again? I thought the repairman was just in here fixing it? What did he say?
Employee: No, it was that one that he fixed. You switched the faxes, right? So the good one is up here and the bad one is in the back?
Boss: No. I told you this morning that I wasn't going to do that because your mom was coming in to fax tomorrow so we might as well just get the bad one fixed.
Employee: Who were you talking to? The repair guy? Are you sure you were talking to me?
Boss: No, I was talking to the post.
18 Sycamore Avenue
Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey
Overheard by: GrIzZlEbEe!!!
3PM Smoke Break
Attorney: A partner just caught me licking yogurt off my sweater.
Clerk: You're definitely getting another raise.
Attorney: It was right on the boob.
Clerk: Wow, a raise and a bonus. You're a real go-getter.
717 Madison Place NW
Washington, DC
2PM Update EotM Wall
Employee #1: I can't believe they made that bitch Employee of the Month.
Employee #2: Me, neither.
Employee #1: I'm going to the general manager.
Employee #2: Yeah, I'll back you up.
Later.
Boss: Who the hell told her that was a good idea to come see me?
Employee #2: I don't know, I tried to stop her.
999 South Main Street
Salt Lake City, Utah
1PM Lunch
Consultant #1: Where is [Jeff]?
Consultant #2: He's not in my cubicle. That leaves the rest of the universe for you to search.
Consultant #1: Is he at lunch?
Consultant #2: If you're going to start looking, do it now. The universe closes at 5.
250 Broadway
New York, NY
12PM Order Supplies
Co-worker #1: Have you used this new Wite-Out strip thing?
Co-worker #2: Dude, you're weirding me out.
Co-worker #1: Holy crap, I've turned into Milton from Office Space.
1425 K Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: callmeahab
11AM Staff Meeting
Employee: Do you always have to act like a child?
Manager: This company is all about innovation. And studies have consistently shown that the most innovative thought comes from the ages of five and under.
31601 Pacific Hwy South
Federal Way, Washington
10AM RFP Due
Director: Thanks for all your help on that project.
Peon: No problem...It's not like I had a choice.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: Oh my god, I keep getting the hiccups!
Co-worker #2: Try holding your breath for ten minutes.
2815 Colby Avenue
Everett, Washington
5PM That's a Wrap
Receptionist: How do you spell "Thursday"?
Co-worker: Look at your calendar, genius.
3110 Camino Del Rio South
San Diego, California
4PM Interviews
Intern #1: How did the interview go?
Intern #2: You know how punctuality is a good thing?
Intern #1: Oh my gosh, were you late?
Intern #2: No, I was two weeks early.
1150 17th Street NW
Washington, DC
3PM Smoke Break
Employee: Would it be better to buy life insurance while I'm still alive?
4740 44th Avenue SW
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Lisa Marshall
2PM Layoffs Meeting
Manager: It would be misleading of me to tell you that there was any hope of you having a job.
1919 Swift Drive
Oak Brook, Illinois
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: I didn't know we were supposed to wear green today. I guess I didn't get that memo.
Manager: I didn't get that one either; just the one about the underwear.
6611 Preston Avenue
Livermore, California
12PM Go Over Contracts
Contractor: ...so we should definitely take a good look at him. I
don't want to snowball with more mess.
Specialist: ...Um...Yeah.
12443 Olive Boulevard
St. Louis, Missouri
11AM Order Safe
Tech #1: Can I have the key to the IDF closet?
Tech #2: I don't have it, it's in the lockbox.
Tech #1: Well then, can I have the key to the lockbox?
Tech #2: It's not locked.
20800 Harvard Road
Cleveland, Ohio
10AM Arrange Car for Mr. Wonder
Publicist: It was amazing. Stevie could do everything. He could leave his apartment, go to the elevator, everything.
Proofer: Wow. He didn't even need a cane?
Publicist: Of course not; he's not that old.
1438 North Gower Street
Los Angeles, California