Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
January 2006 Archives
5PM That's a Wrap
Assistant on phone: One time I was in Oklahoma and I don't know if they do this anymore but they had a prisoner rodeo! They would release bulls into a pen and the prisoners had to get $100 bills stuck in the fences. Some would die but it was cool!...I mean, not that I would go again or anything.
900 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
4PM Pilot Update Due
Co-worker: This pilot is now fully rollable outable.
Rubislaw House
Anderson Drive
Aberdeen, Aberdeenshire
UK
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: So your wife works as a nurse in the ER at that new fancy hospital?
Co-worker #2: Yep. Has been for 6 months.
Co-worker #1: Do they treat people who come in without insurance there?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, treat them like shit.
1620 Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska
2PM Mail Packages
UPS: I've got a big one for you today!
Office Manager: Ooh! I'll take it!
10801 Main Street
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Jeni Gonzales
1PM Lunch
Assistant #1: So you are Jewish, right? That means you have to eat kosher food and not meat?
Assistant #2: Yes, I have to eat Kosher but I can still eat meat. I just choose to be vegetarian.
Assistant #1: That sucks you can't eat meat. I really love salmon.
69 Bloor Street East
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
12PM Budget Meeting
Manager: We should do it. I'm just concerned that the cost will be too exuberant for us to overcome.
180 Varick Street
New York, NY
11AM Rewrite Memos
Co-worker #1: Can you believe the way that this memo is written? It's like every statement is questioning.
Co-worker #2: Maybe it was written in Canada.
120 East Washington Street
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: Donnie Baker
10AM Update Resume
Worker #1: I make less than everyone. People on unemployment make less than me.
Worker #2: Is that true?
Worker #1: No.
6727 Odessa Avenue
Van Nuys, California
9AM Back to Work
Sales: I am so cranky today. I must be getting my period.
Co-worker #1: Again? You just had it last week.
Sales: Yeah. The PMS starts every week Monday and ends on Friday.
Co-worker #2: That's not PMS, that's menopause.
11694 Lackland Road
St. Louis, Missouri
5PM That's a Wrap
File Clerk: Are there many good benifits for joining Mensa? It looks like I have the option, but wonder if it is worth the effort.
Attorney: I believe one of the admission requirements is being able to figure out if it's worth it.
1445 Ross Avenue
Dallas, Texas
4PM Staff Meeting
Management: We've got to keep the inertia going.
7234 Lancaster Pike
Hockessin, Delaware
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: He figured out how to take the "this was sent from a BlackBerry" message off, so he can email and nobody knows he's not in the office.
Worker #2: Gosh, he's sneaky.
900 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Duncan
2PM Pick Up Promo Shirts
Receptionist: What are the new shirts made out?
Clerk: They're 100% cotton.
Receptionist: Cotton? That's the stuff that grows on sheep, right?
Clerk: No, cotton comes from rabbits. That's why they're called cottontails.
10 Miles South of Battle Mountain
Battle Mountain, Nevada
1PM Lunch
Boss on phone: Is this the driver who stole money from us and owes me some collard greens?
3451 North Shadeland Avenue
Indianapolis, Indiana
12PM Get Server Update
IT: Email seems to be working fine. I did a few tests and it's delivering viruses in an almost real-time fashion.
1201 18th Street
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Adam G
11AM Schedule Counseling
Boss: She's gone? And you're not going to be here tomorrow?
Secretary: Correct.
Boss: But I need counseling.
Designer: I agree!
175 South Third Street
Columbus, Ohio
10AM File Referral
Banker #1: How do you file an old CD referral?
Banker #2: Well you submit it and cancel it and submit it and cancel it and repeat that 5 times, and then wash your hands...Oh, I thought you said OCD referral. Like obsessive-compul--
Banker #1: I get it.
1241 South Wabash Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Teddy
9AM Back to Work
Teller: So how was your weekend?
Customer: Oh, it was all right...my husband died.
1600 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: indigo
5PM Preach It All Weekend, Brother
Project Engineer: If you expect me to do quality work I'm going to need a raise.
10 West Mifflin Street
Madison, Wisconsin
4PM Quarterly Assessment Meeting
Regional Director: So our biggest problem last year was we tried to take over the whole world, and the whole world is a big place. We need to think small, concentrate on taking over individual countries first...like Wisconsin.
2100 South Priest Drive
Tempe, Arizona
3PM Smoke Break
Account Exec #1: Your hair looks short today. Did you wash it this morning?
Account Exec #2: Yeah, I contemplated not washing it, but I decided I should.
Account Exec #1: Friday isn't a hair washing day.
Account Exec #2: Well, I didn't wash it yesterday.
Account Exec #1: [Lucy] can go a couple of days without washing her hair.
Account Exec #2: A couple of days?
Account Exec #1: Well, it's more or less a question of whether or not her scalp is sweaty and smelly.
171 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Conference
Conferenceperson: Could you please have a pot of coffee ready for my 2 o'clock meeting?
Secretary: Um, there's a scheduled 1 hour long power outage at 1:30.
Conferenceperson: That's okay, we have lights.
Computer Science Building
Stony Brook University
Stony Brook, New York
1PM Lunch
Co-worker on phone: Let's take the new Financial Controller from [the client] out to lunch. Is she cute?...Oh, it's a guy...Does he have a sense of humor?
680 George Street
Sydney, New South Wales
Australia
12PM Research 401(k) Options
Co-worker #1: What? You don't contribute to your 401(k)?
Co-worker #2: No, but it's my New Year's resolution.
Co-worker #1: 2 words: free money! 2 words, a bunch of syllables: free money.
1615 H Street NW
Washington, DC
11AM [Bryan] Out
Worker: [Bryan]'s sick today; he IMed me and said he needs one of us to come to his house and give him a sponge bath.
1831 Chestnut Street
St. Louis, Missouri
10AM Collect Surveys
Administrator: [Les], do you have any overdue surveys?
[Les]: No, I don't.
Administrator: You don't have any surveys due before the 26th?
[Les]: No, the only surveys I have were due on the 23rd and the 24th.
811 Russell Avenue
Gaithersburg, Maryland
9AM TGIF
Co-worker #1: Didn't you wear that shirt two days ago?
Co-worker #2: Huh? What? I don't know...
Co-worker #1: Yeah, I remember you had that sweater on a couple of days back.
Co-worker #2: Did you look that up on www.victoriaknowswhateveryonewears.com? Oh wait, it kicks back to another site, www.gofuckyourselfvictoria.com.
460 West 34th Street
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker: Okay, thanks...Hey...Are you wearing white pants? Wow. You are. This is like...some kind of day. I never seen a man wearing white dress pants here before.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
4PM Officers Meeting
Boss: Okay, it's nearly 5, so we're going to take a different approach to the voting this time. After the meeting minutes are completed, I'll email all of our ideas to everyone tomorrow, and you can email me back your votes for the best one.
Underling: Are we voting today or tomorrow?
425 Park Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Update Payroll
Bookkeeper: What is Susan's last name?
Office Manager: Susan who?
812 Moorefield Park Drive
Richmond, Virginia
2PM Call About Car
Old man: My car was stolen this morning. It's been a terrible day. I had my son come all the way out to drive me over to see you, because you're my agent.
Insurance Agent: What would you like me to do about it?
37383 6 Mile Road
Livonia, Michigan
Overheard by: Next-door Nancy
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: I'm so busy today.
Co-worker #2: Why? Thursday is the new Friday.
521 5th Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Server Upgrades
Server support: The server is still taking errors?
Network support: Okay?
Server support: Did you run the new cable we asked for?
Network Support: Yes.
Server support: Are you sure you ran it to the correct server?
Network support: Yes.
Server support: Did you test the cable?
Network support: Yes.
Server support: How did you test it?
Network support: I farted on one end and I could smell it on the other.
1600 Dublin Road
Columbus, Ohio
11AM Interviews (Cont'd)
Scheduler: So, I just called this girl in for an interview and she asks me what she should bring with her. Would you ever ask that? That's so weird. What should you bring? Some tennis balls and a racquet, what do you think you should bring?
700 South Henderson Road
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
10AM Interviews
Manager: He's so dumb he couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.
2000 North Andrews Avenue Ext.
Pompano Beach, Florida
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: You can't leave for a day ever again!
Co-worker #2: Why not?
Co-worker #1: Because without you there the average IQ in that room drops to 72.
1834 West Selfridge Street
Montgomery, Alabama
Overheard by: Asja
5PM Happy Hour
Attorney: We're smarter for making the correct decision to the everyday question: drink or work? Correct answer: drink and work.
717 Madison Place NW
Washington, DC
4PM Interviews
CSR: That guy was such a moron! And he kept trying to tell me he had a
photographic memory. I thought to myself, "Yeah, well you must be out of film."
7350 Tilghman Street
Allentown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: jara
3PM Coffee Break
Employee: "Isolate"? Why's there an E on the end?
Supervisor: ...
Employee: Oh. Just kidding!
Supervisor: Seriously?
Employee: It looked weird.
Supervisor: So when you go to the coffee shop, do you order a "late"?
Employee: No, I order a latt. Two Ts.
500 Dulany Street
Alexandria, Virginia
2PM Call Tech Support
Co-worker #1: Did you hear about that audition?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: You didn't get that email?
Co-worker #2: No. My email must be broken.
Co-worker #1: What else haven't you gotten?
Co-worker #2: Well, if my email is broken, how could I possibly know that?
270 Lafayette Street
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: I don't really pay that much attention to politics. I mean, I don't even know the difference between a Republican and a Dominican.
Sullivan Barracks
Mannheim, Germany
12PM Fax Info
Supervisor: I need you to fax this enrollment form to the dental insurance company right away.
Peon: Shouldn't I make a copy first?
9111 Duke Boulevard
Mason, Ohio
11AM System Implementation Meeting
Boss: It's not so much fast-paced as it is boring.
2700 Westchester Avenue
Purchase, New York
10AM Exit Interview
Employee #1: So have you heard from [Amanda] since she quit?
Employee #2: No. I called her twice but never heard back from her.
Employee #1: That's because she's probably bitter.
Employee #3: You've tasted her?
138 Greenwood Avenue
Bethel, Connecticut
Overheard by: Dawn Saunders
9AM Back to the Pit
Co-worker: Stop putting on your makeup at work! Do it on the subway, like normal people!
1250 Broadway
New York, NY
5PM Out of Here
Co-worker: Wow! Look at the wind!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM Clean Cube
Co-worker #1: Goodness! I can't tell you how dusty this thing is.
Co-worker #2: Why not?
Co-worker #1: Because I don't know the proper units of measurement for dust.
105 Arbor Drive
Christiansburg, Virginia
3PM James' Birthday Thing
Birthday: Thanks.
Office: Speech!
Birthday: I want you all to know that this is the oldest I've ever been.
150 River Street
Hackensack, New Jersey
2PM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Doctor's wife: You guys are going to get my husband's pracitice flagged by the insurance companies.
Biller: We only enter in the system what you have written on the charge ticket.
Doctor's wife: Well you guys are the billing company. You should know better not to trust everything you see.
221 West 21st Street
Lorain, Ohio
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: What's inside these things?
Co-worker #2: I don't know, Chocolate, I think.
Co-worker #1: There better not be anything gross inside.
Co-worker #3: That's why I don't eat balls, because you never know what's gonna come out of them.
117 Kendrick Street
Needham, Massachusetts
12PM Edit Reports
Co-worker #1: Hey, come in here for a sec!
Co-worker #2: Can it wait a second? I'm trying to finish this by lunch.
Co-worker #1: Never mind; it's just fart noises.
712 South McClintock Drive
Tempe, Arizona
11AM Staff Meeting
Manager: ...And this paper has a timeline for the changes that will benefit you in the coming months.
Employee: So this is kindling for the smoke you're blowing up our asses?
1005 17th Street
Denver, Colorado
10AM Prepare Proofs
Manager: How many did [the client] say he wanted?
Secretary: He said none for this month, but he'll print next month, so send him a proof for March.
Manager: February?
Secretary: No, not this month, next month: March.
Manager: February?
11071 Main Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
9AM Back to Work
Analyst #1: We need something to make this tea better.
Analyst #2: Have you tried rum?
10 minutes later.
Analyst #1: Do you have any more rum?
Analyst #3: It's ten in the morning.
225 High Ridge Road
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: QRC
5PM That's a Wrap
Junior Boss: I once crashed a car into a tree for the insurance money.
31401 Via Della Pace
Vicenza
Italy
Overheard by: Lorelie Long
4PM Call [the Client]
Secretary: [The client] keeps calling and asking for me. And you know what? The next time he does that, I'm going to tell him that you lied to him.
Boss: What? Why?
Secretaty: Because you tell him you're going to do all these things for him, and you don't!
Boss: That's because he's an idiot!
527 West Jefferson Street
Louisville, Kentucky
3PM Coffee Break
Team Member #1: That lady on the street was laughing at you.
Team Member #2: Why? I was trying to make you laugh, not her.
Team Member #1: Why? Because of what you did! No one does that here!
Team Member #2: I'm just trying to bring diversity to the office...
Team Member #1: By doing that?
Team Member #2: Could you just try to not make fun of me for one day?
Just try?
201 3rd Street
San Francisco, California
2PM Deposit Checks
Mortgage Specialist: I have to say this loan is for you. In fact, if you were to reject the loan I would frankly have to drive down to
your house and shoot your porch light out.
Borrower: Well we can't have that now, can we?
440 W 200 S
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: AK 47
1PM Lunch
Manager: New haircolor, huh? Did you fall into a bucket of paint?
Employee: New belt, huh? Did you fall into a buffet?
5760 Highway 80 East
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
12PM Software Rollout
Tech: You need to do a reboot for the changes to take effect.
Employee: Can I do a restart?
Tech: No, you must shut the computer down completely.
Employee: Can I turn it back on again?
140 Research Boulevard
Madison, Alabama
11AM Employee Orientation
Employee #1: Have you seen the new girl?
Employee #2: No, but Fat Matt in cube 3 was just asking for some ketchup, so you better hurry!
6666 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Fill Out Forms
Worker #1: I made copies of these forms and highlighted what areas need to be filled out and why.
Worker #2: Oh, that's nice. I already know how to fill these forms out, but I need a guide.
221 West 21st Street
Lorain, Ohio
9AM Back to Work
Producer: My friend went to the Galapagos Islands and was astounded. They have birds called blue boobies. Google "blue boobies". You'll see pictures of them.
Suit: I'm not searching for blue boobies on my computer. I'll get called into the office for a talk.
Producer: Oh, I'll do it...see?
Suit: Wow, who would have thought that would't have brought up a porn site?
1910 South Highland Avenue
Lombard, Illinois
5PM Here's the Weekend
Boss #1: Well, do you have a broomstick?
Boss #2: No, but I guess I could just use my fist.
444 Spear Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: erikrand
4PM Order New PCs
IT #1: I asked him if he was in the United States.
IT #2: I tell people if you want to buy a computer, call their support line. If you can't stand the accent, don't buy that computer.
1100 SW 6th Avenue
Portland, Oregon
3PM Bathroom Break
Clerk #1: My bladder hurts.
Clerk #2: What for?
Clerk #1: I was holding it all morning, and then I finally went, and now it's been hurting.
Clerk #2: You probably shouldn't do that. Your bladder can explode, you know.
49275 Electron Drive
San Diego, California
2PM IT Meeting
IT Manager: Yeah, he named all of his functions after fish. He was a brilliant programmer, so we let it slide.
149 Cambridge Street
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: How's the weather outside, is it cold?
Worker #2: Girl, I've been working with you in the office all morning.
Worker #1: Well, at least you get to talk to people on the phone. I thought someone might have said something.
14 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
12PM Correct Contact Info
Worker #1: Damn, they've spelt my name wrong on the rota again.
Worker #2: How did they do that?
Worker #1: They used the wrong letters, idiot!
Trafalgar Road
Birkdale, Southport
UK
11AM Call Building Management--Urgent
Receptionist: Hey everyone, tomorrow the building management is changing the bathrooms codes to 6-1-5.
Co-worker #1: But...we don't have a 6.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, the buttons only go up to 5.
Co-worker #1: Is the building management trying to tell us we're not allowed to pee any more?
2425 West Loop South
Houston, Texas
10AM Meeting with HR
Manager: So, is your girlfriend taking you out for your birthday?
Accountant: No, I'm going out with my friends.
Manager: If I were your girlfriend, I wouldn't put up with that shit.
Accountant: Well, you're not, and you don't have to.
Manager: ...It's not like you're allowed to marry your friends and have kids someday...
Accountant: Well, in some places you can.
Manager: That's it, you're fired!
6801 Brecksville Road
Independence, Ohio
9AM TGIF
CCR on phone: It's just that he seems to think I'm incompetent. Which, you know, I am, but anyway...
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
5PM That's a Wrap
Manager: Thank you, you are an officer and a gentleman.
1175 Peachtree Street NE
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM Prepare for Press Conference
PR: [Linda], it's me. Could you buzz me when the news crew gets here...[Linda]?
Receptionist on speaker: Well...uh...[Eric] asked me to buzz him when they got here.
PR: Um, okay?
Receptionist on speaker: [Eric Dixon].
PR: I know who [Eric] is.
Receptionist on speaker: See, yeah, the thing is that [Eric], [Eric Dixon], uh, just called and asked me to buzz him when the news crew gets here.
PR: Yes.
Receptionist on speaker: So, what? Do you think...it would be better if I buzzed you instead? Because [Eric Dixon] asked me...
PR: Do you think you could just buzz both of us?
Receptionist on speaker: Oh. Yeah, I guess I could do that.
1875 Connecticut Avenue NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: frau
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: There were so many Jews in the concentration camps. Why didn't some of them join together and try and fight the Nazis?
195 Turbot Street
Brisbane, Queensland
Australia
2PM Fax Offer Letter
Co-worker: I just walked past the copy and fax machine area, and all the hair on my arms stood straight up like a science fiction movie!
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
CSR: You know sometimes when you blow, you can feel it in your throat?
Secretary: No, I don't blow that hard.
CSR: Well, I blow hard and I can feel it sometimes. It sucks.
541 Lexington Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Eve S Dropper
12PM Mail Invoices
Co-worker #1: So do they have offices in the Northern part of Texas?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, like up in that chimney portion of the state.
Co-worker #1: Oh. I'll show you a fire.
Co-worker #2: What?
611 North Broadway
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
11AM Strategy Meeting
Project Manager: He needs to step into my office. The office of my fist. If he messes with my developer one more time, I'm gonna drop him like a bad habit. And by "drop" I mean "drop kick". And by "bad habit" I mean "communist hobo".
1375 Peachtree Street NE
Atlanta, Georgia
10AM Interview Temps
Boss on phone: No, no, you gotta understand, I need some help down there...I'm not the pusher, I'm the receiver.
444 Spear Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: erikrand
9AM Back to Work
Worker: Can you please help with the thingy, you know, um, over there?
Manager: Well done, very descriptive.
11766 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Let's take care of that tomorrow.
Employee: Let's as in "you and me", or "you, me and [Kate]", or "me and [Kate]"?
Boss: Let's as in "you and Kate]." I shouldn't be involved unless there's a problem.
303 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
4PM Scan PC
Tech: Oh crap, I've been infected by Google.
30833 Northwestern Highway
Farmington Hills, Michigan
3PM Coffee Break
Employee #1: Sometimes I just get caught up in all this stuff, it's so hectic.
Employee #2: You have to stop once in a while and find some sunshine.
Employee #1: I'd rather just find some moonshine.
50 West State Street
Trenton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jimmy Fingers
2PM Finalize Meeting Plans
Secretary #1: Everything tomorrow is going to be great but it won't be good coming in, especially if someone spills their load all over.
Secretary #2: Yeah really, that only causes more problems.
75 Great Valley Parkway
Malvern, Pennsylvania
1PM Lunch
CSR: Oh my god. I just spilled soup on my glasses! I was eating soup and it splashed on my face.
1005 17th Street
Denver, Colorado
12PM Department Meeting
Executive: In '06 we need to get more blood from the turnip.
2000 Plainfield Pike
Cranston, Rhode Island
11AM Check Email
Boss: He said he sent me an email via his BlackBerry. It must have ended up in some pigeon's stomach.
2929 North Mayfair Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
10AM Book Flights
Customer: I don't understand why I can't book a flight for the 1st
of January 2007.
Travel Agent: That's because our schedules are only published 350 days in advance.
Customer: I know that, so why can't I book the flight today? There's
360 days in the year, so logically the seats can be booked today.
Travel Agent: Because that would be 365 days in the year, sir.
225 Bath Street
Glasgow, Scotland
9AM Back to Work
Worker #1: That's a great way to start the day. Talkin' about dog farts and placentas.
Worker #2: Breakfast, anyone?
5885 11th Street
Rockford, Illinois
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker: Oh, I keep having these irrational dreams too. The other night I dreamt that I made this little mistake and it brought down like the entire company. And in the papers it said, "entire company went down because of this one stupid assistant!" And everyone knew my name and I couldn't get a job anywhere, so I have to move to Europe and marry a guy to get my visa. Then I was a product of domestic abuse because he knew I was co-dependent on him.
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Peter H
4PM Order Grease
Co-worker #1: It's not always good to be the squeaky wheel.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, you really have to pick and choose your squeaky wheels.
833 Chestnut Street East
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
3PM Smoke Break
Intern: They didn't have Guinness, so we had pure Jameson and Bailey shots.
Manager: Oh, well.
Intern: Laced with something else.
Associate: PCP?
Intern: Who knows?
Manager: Could it have been PCP?
Intern: It tasted awfully sweet.
10 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: pixelvisions
2PM Print Termination Letter
Ex-employee: I just got let go.
Employee: Really? What did they say?
Ex-employee: "Bye."
4400 Post Oak Parkway
Houston, Texas
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Ooh, that smells nice.
Co-worker #2: It's salami. I got it in Czechoslovakia.
Co-worker #1: I didn't know the Czechs were famous for salami.
Co-worker #2: They're not. It's Hungarian salami.
7520 Astoria Boulevard
Jackson Heights, New York
12PM Upgrade Software
Staff: Hey, can one of you help me fix--
IT: Go away before I replace you with a very small shell script.
7117 Florida Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: CP
11AM Conference
Help Desk #1: Who should we send?
Help Desk #2: Let's send [Jessica].
Help Desk #3: She's perfect.
Help Desk #2: Of course, she's female.
Help Desk #1: Yeah, she's very female!
123 Pitkin Road
Plainfield, Vermont
10AM Order New Camera
Boss: Damn it! My camera is dead again!
Receptionist: Didn't you just replace those batteries a couple of days ago?
Boss: Yes.
Sales: Maybe you're out of megapixels.
1003 Distribution Drive
Columbus, Ohio
9AM Back to Work
Boss: You know me, if I want to pick up my right foot I first step on my left foot so that I have a back-up to lift with.
Employee: I see you have a belt and suspenders.
Boss: Exactly.
510 Adams Street
Sheboygan Falls, Wisconsin
5PM Finally, the Weekend
Suit #1: How did your glasses break?
Suit #2: A big girl sat on them.
Suit #1: Next time take them off your face first.
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
4PM Update Timesheets
HR: You miscoded your timesheets as vacation instead of holiday.
Employee: What difference does it make? It's a day off. Can't you just fix it?
HR: The difference is that it put you over on your vacation time for the year.
Employee: But it was a holiday. Can't you just fix it?
HR: Do you know how many days off you have per year?
Employee: Yes, but holiday/vacation, it's all a day off.
HR: Tell that to the employee that just got let go for miscoding time.
Employee: ...I'll fix it.
4400 Post Oak Parkway
Houston, Texas
3PM Smoke Break
Accounts Payable: I wish sometimes I was tippin' it at my desk.
Accounts Receivable: Tippin' what?
Accounts Payable: You know, the bottle.
Accounts Payable: Yeah, but you gotta be a good alcoholic, and at least show up for work every day. That's what I do.
2000 Plainfield Pike
Cranston, Rhode Island
2PM Print Termination Letter
Boss: You know what my problem is? I'm too nice a guy. I fired [Lenore] this morning. I should've kept her on till the end of the day, but then I would've felt like I was using her. I'm an idiot.
Salesperson: That's two problems.
40 Shuman Boulevard
Naperville, Illinois
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: Did you smell that?
Employee #2: Why would he call us in there after doing that?
Employee #1: I don't think he knows; my grandma would fart all the time and nobody said a word. We figured she did not know.
Supervisor: I am going to White Castle, anybody want some sliders?
4501 West Mitchell Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio
12PM Monitor Calls
CSR on phone: [Comtech], accounts receiveable, this is [Brett]...Yes, this is [Comtech]...This is the accounts receivable department, yes...My name is [Brett]...[Brett]!
420 5th Avenue
New York, NY
11AM Sign Off on Blueprints
Director: Hey, you got a tape measure?
Ops Coordinator: What do you need a tape measure for?
3 Nationwide Plaza
Columbus, Ohio
10AM Update Database
Specialist: This guy's name is September...that can't be right.
Boss: Not in January, it isn't.
2929 North Mayfair Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
9AM TGIF
Co-worker #1: Would it be wrong if we left to get breakfast?
Co-worker #2: Why would it be wrong?
Co-worker #1: Well, it's only 9 o'clock.
Co-worker #2: So?
Co-worker #1: I don't know. It seems like maybe we should wait a little bit.
Co-worker #2: No way! I've been here since 8:30. I've worked enough.
Co-worker #1: All right. Let's go, then.
Co-worker #2: Hold on. I just painted my nails. Takes forever to dry.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Worker #1: How do you spell "vulnerable"? V-u-n-e-r-a-b-l-e?
Worker #2: No, it has an "l" in it. V-u-l...
Worker #1: Pfff, no. It's v-u-n-e-r-a-b-l-e.
Worker #2: It has an "l" in it. V-u-l-n-e-r-a-b-l-e.
Worker #1 gets the dictionary and struggles to find it under v-u-n.
Worker #1: Oh...How peculiar! Hang on.
Worker #2: V-u-l-n-e-r-a-b-l-e. Would you like me to give you the Latin root and related words? Vulnerare...vulnus...
Worker #1: Well, I never! It has an "l" in it! Well, well. You don't pronounce it like that, though. What's the "l" for?
Worker #2: ...It's for making it a real word.
200 Green Lanes
Palmers Green, London
UK
Overheard by: Peachey
4PM Launch Meeting
Project Manager: So it sounds like the only thing holding us back from launching early is being ready.
Meeting: ...
1900 Prairie City Road
Folsom, California
Overheard by: Sumeet
3PM Snack Break
Co-worker #1: I really want to go get a cookie from the food cube, but [Anne's] using the computer in there
Co-worker #2: Well, go get one anyway. And tell her to pull her pants
down.
127 Public Square
Cleveland, Ohio
2PM Call Maintenance
Co-worker: I found three turds this morning. Do we have someone who comes and takes care of that?
2320 West Highway 76
Branson, Missouri
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Do they have color by numbers in England?
Co-worker #2: Mmm, I dunno. Ask [Denis], he's British.
Co-worker #1: They have fish sticks, right?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, but I think they're called something else.
205 Hudson Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Guillermo Echevarria
12PM Policy Meeting
Specialist: He thought it was "unfair" that we'd charge him a fee for cashing out his certificate before the maturity date.
Boss: He's lucky he was talking to you. I'd have told him, "I had to put my cat to sleep last night; that's unfair."
2929 North Mayfair Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
11AM Check Forecast
VP: Did you see the numbers today?
Marketing Manager: No. Is it bad?
VP: No. We're up.
Marketing Manager: We are?
VP: Yeah. Yesterday we were down 4.31, today we're up 0.51%. I mean, the goal was 10% so we're not out of the woods.
Marketing Manager: So it's like they've given us a year to live, not six months?
VP: Something like that.
16430 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel Durand
10AM Order Book
Our sister site has been collected into Overheard in New York, the book. It's a collection of the hilarious and horrendous material from the site, as well as a bunch of stuff we saved just for the book.
It's perfect reading for the commute to the office, and a great way to kill time from 9 to 5. You can order it here.
375 Hudson Street
New York, NY
9AM They're At It Again
Co-worker #1: Don't you think the enter key is kind of phallic? You know--how it's all "enter" with an arrow pointing?
Co-worker #2: Huh. Yeah. Weird.
Co-worker #1: And there's the backspace button too. Arrow points the same way.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, maybe that's so gay people don't feel left out?
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Cubicle #1: I seriously just saw the churchy lady feel some guy up right now.
Cubicle #2: What?
Cubicle #1: Yeah. he looked horrified too.
Cubicle #2: Huh. What kind of "feeling up" are we talking here?
Cubicle #1: I'll show you when I go down there.
Cubicle #3: Sounds good.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
4PM Finalize Itineraries
Grunt: Can I get those itineraries?
Agent: No, life's a bitch.
Grunt: Life's what you make of it, not what it makes of you.
3675 Ruffin Road
San Diego, California
3PM Bathroom Break
Co-worker: So I said to myself, "Oh look, the bathrooms in building 12 have yellow tiles." Then I saw the urinals.
1110 American Parkway NE
Allentown, Pennsylvania
2PM Mail Card
Writer: The stupid mailroom is like the Gestapo now. They won't mail this greeting card for me. Can you give me a stamp?
Designer: I guess so. I can get one at lunch for you.
Writer: Okay. Thanks. I'll give you thirty-five cents for it.
Designer: Thirty-seven cents.
Writer: You're charging a two-cent fee for a stamp? You're worse than the damn mail room.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Did you know that the egg yolk was never able to be a chicken unless it's fertilized?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I mean, like eating this hard-boiled egg is like eating the eggs that you expel during your period.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, like right now I mean, you could get down and just lap it up.
845 United Nations Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Sharon
12PM Inventory
Co-worker #1: What are some common plastics?
Co-worker #2: Um, that list is really long. Just look for "polymers."
Co-worker #1: Well, what are some common polymers?
Co-worker #2: No, really, that list is longer than my arm. Just look for stuff that starts with "poly."
Co-worker #1: ...Is ceramic a polymer?
Co-worker #2: Um. No.
500 Dulany Street
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Colleen
11AM Install New Software
Tech: ...and if it gives you any problems, just call me. Any time, doesn't matter. I sleep with my cell phone.
Lawyer: I've slept with worse.
11377 West Olympic Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Eve Z. Dropper
10AM Pay Renewal Fee
Accounting: You submitted a payment request for a renewal fee.
Peon: Yes.
Accounting: Can you find out how long the renewal term is for?
Peon: It says "annual renewal fee" on the invoice.
Accounting: Yeah, I saw that, but do you know when it's valid until?
Peon: It says valid from October 31, 2005 on the invoice.
Accounting: Yeah, but can you make sure? You never know it could be for like two years or something.
3700 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
9AM Back to the Office
Worker: It took me forever to get to work today. I don't mind the snow so much, but I wish it would only snow on the grass.
25101 Chagrin Boulevard
Beachwood, Ohio
5PM That's a Wrap
Office worker: I haven't heard from him since the last time we talked.
4526 11th Ave NE
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: James eDropper
4PM Order Supplies
Co-worker #1: Can I borrow a colored pen?
Co-worker #2: Here's a red one, but I may need it later for drawing fire.
525 7th Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Coffee Break
Worker #1: How are you feeling? Coming down with anything?
Worker #2: No, but it seems like everyone else is.
Worker #1: If you get sick, I'm a doctor so I can take care of you.
I've got a BS, a CS and a DD. That's a degree in Back Stabbing, Cork-Screwing, and Double-Dealing
2320 West Highway 76
Branson, Missouri
2PM Meeting with HR
Co-worker #1: I pretty much hate that stupid nursing consultant.
Co-worker #2: I know. Me too.
Co-worker #1: She's so phony. It's 'cause she's Southern.
Co-worker #2: I know! I hate Southerners! And I'm not even black!
Co-worker #1: Uh...what?
Co-worker #2: Well, you know. The slave thing. Don't you hate her because of the slave thing?
Co-worker #1: Uh, no.
100 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
1PM Lunch
Office Manager: How do you spell "Useta"?
Co-worker: Use it in a sentence.
Office Manager: I "useta" drink Cokes; now I only drink water.
Co-worker: That is an Arkansas word.
1700 Westpark Drive
Little Rock, Arkansas
12PM Test Phones
Shipping Manager: I can't hear anything on my phone whenever I make or receive a call. Can you check it out for me?
IT Director: Did you get your hearing checked?
4055 Casilio Parkway
Clarence, New York
11AM Close Deal
Sales: You quoted 3 different prices to this customer.
CEO: You're not calling me an idiot, are you?
Sales: I'm saying that having been given all the facts you made 3 incompatable decisions.
CEO: That's sufficiently blameless.
12819 Coit Road
Cleveland, Ohio
10AM Send Out Packages
Call center worker: What does it mean, "do not ship domination"?
Call center supervisor: What?
Call center worker: "D-o-m-i-n-i-o-n."
26600 SW Parkway Avenue
Wilsonville, Oregon
9AM The Mornings Keep Coming
Secretary: Good morning, Mr. [Stirner].
Caseworker: Good morning. Oh shit! What happened to your hair?
Secretary: Nothing, why?
Caseworker: Everytime I see you, your hair is a different color. what color will it be tomorrow?
Secretary: I haven't decided. What color do you suggest? Green, purple, gold?
815 Broadway
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: BabyGirl
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: We could stick it to his forehead like this.
Co-worker #2: Try it out before you stick it anywhere; mine's kinda
sensitive.
2904 Westcorp Boulevard
Huntsville, Alabama
Overheard by: Josh Roberson
4PM Snowmobiling?
Worker: Can I take the rest of the day off?
Boss: LetmethinkaboutthatNo.
Worker: Don't you want to hear why?
Boss: No.
Worker: Some of the guys are going snowmobiling and I wanted to meet up with them...
Boss: What do you think this is, a resort?
Worker: If it were a resort, I wouldn't have to leave; there'd be things to do.
900 Simpson Street
Saint Paul, Minnesota
3PM Smoke Break
Supervisor: You're either talking to yourself, singing to yourself, thinking about talking to yourself, or thinking about singing to yourself. Am I right?
4708 Lacey Boulevard SE
Lacey, Washington
Overheard by: Chris Shard
2PM Training
Tech: Okay, now right-click there.
Admin: Here?
Tech: No, right-click. Right there.
Admin: Okay...
Tech: No, get rid of that. Right-click. Right there. Right-click. Right-click...Which button are you clicking?
Admin: The left one.
Texas A&M University
College Station, Texas
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: What are you drinking? Oh, my daughter loves that stuff.
Co-worker #2: This is a Red Bull. Isn't your daughter only five?
Co-worker #1: Yes. My husband always gives it to her.
901 Mission Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Julia Goolia
12PM Restock Supplies
Employee: I have a problem and don't know what to do.
Manager: What is the problem?
Employee: The toliet paper is missing, and I don't know what to do.
1850 14th Avenue SE
Albany, Oregon
11AM Get Mail
Mailroom worker: I know she in there 'cause I can smell her. Sweet and savory.
10 East 53rd Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Pookiepie
10AM Update Report
Assistant: How about an update on the report for the database we talked about last week? Have you gotten to that yet?
IT: I'm not sure which one you're talking about.
Assistant: Well, currently there is a cross-tab that displays home addresses and a cross-tab that displays financial aid, but we need a report to show us the student records by state with home address, and we need a find-sort for all students with financial aid and a hold on their account.
IT guy: ...Um, I couldn't tell where that sentence began and where it ended.
Dean's assistant: Neither could I.
633 Main Street
Burlington, Vermont
9AM Climbing Back to Work
Worker #1: Oh my, I hate these elevators. You never know what you're gonna get, kinda like those roller coasters. You know, they really have a mind of their own.
Worker #2: Yeah! And then you have these crazy doors, too, where you need to do the karate chop to make them stay open. And you do it and you say to yourself, "Oh heavens, this is one karate fight I'm not gonna win!"
1450 Broadway
New York, NY
5PM Finally, the Weekend
Office Manager: It's like apples and oranges: they are all the same.
15530 Herriman Boulevard
Noblesville, Indiana
4PM Call [Chris]
Receptionist on speaker: I'm sorry. [Chris] is still on the phone. Would you like his voicemail?
Customer: No. I am afraid he won't call back, and this is an emergency.
Receptionist: I can put you on hold again. But he has had a lot of calls today, and I don't know how long it will be before you can speak to him.
Customer: I would like to kick his butt.
Receptionist: I'm sorry. You will have to stand in line to do that.
5711 East FM-40
Lubbock, Texas
3PM Bathroom Break
Co-worker #1: I'm going to go wander the halls. I'm gonna take this reading material.
Co-worker #2: Oh, those halls. Well, deck the halls.
901 Mission Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Julia Goolia
2PM Client Meeting
Attorney: I heard [the client] was whiny.
Client in waiting room: I'm whiny because I'm sick and this is the first time I've left the house.
Attorney: Oh shit.
110 N. Washington Street
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Joan
1PM Lunch
Worker: [The boss] treats me like I'm his little daughter or something. That's a lot of pressure. I can't be perfect all of the time.
180 East Ocean Boulevard
Long Beach, California
12PM Programming
Front Desk: What does code 99499 mean?
Coder: "You're a dirty whore."
Front Desk: They have codes for that?
675 North St. Clair Street
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Tech Support
Dinosaur: I hate this hourglass.
IT: The hourglass at your cursor?
Dinosaur: Yes, can you remove it?
IT: Why?
Dinosaur: It slows my computer down.
7071 University Boulevard
Winter Park, Florida
10AM Cut Checks
Manager: They really need to pay this month's rent 'cause I lost their money order last month and that makes them 2 months behind.
108 North Belvedere Boulevard
Memphis, Tennessee
9AM There They Go Again
Co-worker #1: Do you have a dog?
Co-worker #2: No, I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, let alone another dog.
2645 South Mojave Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
5PM Pick Up Kids
Teacher on phone: But [Matt], it's just the sound of a gun. The audience won't even see it!...Not even the sound effect?...Are you kidding me?...So, what, we're not allowed to do Hamlet now because somebody has to die in the end?...I know they don't use real swords; we aren't using a real gun!...How is anyone supposed to die?
2155 Napier Avenue
Macon, Georgia
4PM Restock Printer
Office worker: The paper coming out of the printer is really hot! It's never been that hot before. Can we do something to cool it down?
Tech: Oh, I forgot! I put the summer paper in there! I'll switch to the winter paper! Give me 10 minutes.
1700 Palm Beach Lakes Boulevard
West Palm Beach, Florida
3PM Snack Break
Co-worker #1: Hey, did you all bring in cookies?
Co-worker #2: God, you're like a shark when there's blood in the water.
3701 Wayzata Boulevard
Minneapolis, Minnesota
2PM Get Mail
Secretary: The mailman was supposed to come back today, but I haven't seen him yet.
Agent: Which mailman was it? The old guy, or the nerdy guy with the glasses?
Secretary: No, it was an Asian guy.
Agent: Oh. He's probably having lunch again.
1610 SE Bybee Boulevard
Portland, Orgeon
1PM Lunch
Editor: Doesn't seem like three years since those nuns went to prison.
501 North Calvert Street
Baltimore, Maryland
12PM Get Messages
Analyst: Lehman Brothers called about the kegs order.
156 West 56th Street
New York, NY
11AM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Nurse: Is there a reason that there's a "no pregnant women" sign on that room? Because the patient in there is pregnant.
1500 East Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Maude Lynne
10AM Fix Time Machine
Boss: Does anyone need this 2005 calendar?
Grunt: No thanks; my time machine is broken.
414 South Main Street
Independence, Oregon
9AM Rise and Shine
Sales Manager: You are really getting on my nerves today!
General Manager: Good, I can cross that off my list!
2700 Corporate Exchange Drive
Columbus, Ohio
5PM Out of Here
Manager: You hear her? Usually, she says, "I'm coming", and I say "So is Christmas." But now I guess I could say, "So is", uh, "the Fourth of July."
11400 West Olympic Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: lonecomic
4PM Annual Review
Lawyer: You need to learn how to be human. Be less perfect; you don't have to be so precise about everything. Be less professional. Any questions?
Secretary: Yeah. Do you have a handbook for how to be human?
Lawyer: Oh, now you're going to be a smartass.
701 5th Avenue
Seattle, Washington
3PM Smoke Break
CSR: I just got a call from a guy that was looking for a customer service number for the phone company but he didn't want an automated number, so I told him that most customer service numbers are automated. He told me, "I am a therapist; I know how the phone system works."
6010 Exchange Parkway
San Antonio, Texas
2PM Update Site
Manager: When you're finished with the accessibility development for the hotels path, start on rental cars site.
Programmer: Um...accessibility...for rental cars?
Manager: Yes.
Programmer: So, we want to make it easier for the blind to rent cars?
Manager: Yeah...I know.
800 Connecticut Avenue
Norwalk, Connecticut
1PM Lunch
Girl: So Friday's your last day?
Guy: Yeah, I'll be working closer to home. I have an hour long drive to get here from my house.
Girl: Good thing you'll be working closer to home. Traffic will suck your soul.
800 South Douglas Road
Coral Gables, Florida
12PM Meeting with HR
Co-worker #1: I have to crawl under this desk so much my knees hurt.
Co-worker #2: Oh, so that's why you got promoted.
2105 Bancroft Way
Berkeley, California
11AM Finalize Contracts
Boss: This subcontractor really chaps my butt.
Senior VP: Is it a good butt chapping or a bad chapping?
Boss: Bad.
Senior VP: Glad to know there's a differnce.
812 Moorefield Park
Richmond, Virginia
10AM Tech Support
Tech on phone: Okay, go ahead and type in your password...Yep, just type it in...In the password field...Just type it...With your keyboard...Should be right in front of you... Has letters on it...Great!
3601 SW Murray Boulevard
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: onebadwebmonkey
9AM Back to Work
Employee #1: Wearing the pinstripe today, eh? Real banker-like.
Manager: Yeah, makes me work harder. But you should see me at 4:30. I'll be wearing jeans and a sweatshirt and working the park.
Employee #1: Pardon?
Manager: I'll be selling hot chocolate.
Employee #2: Is that your name there or the product you'll be selling?
3 King Street S
Waterloo, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: SAM BRUNTON-LEWIS
5PM Pick Up Kids
Teacher: I don't know if my students will regress enough to qualify for summer services.
Principal: You should play music really loud when you test them.
299 Rathbun Willard Drive
Attleboro, Massachusetts
4PM Complete Project
Worker #1: Wow, that was a tough job.
Worker #2: Yeah, they should give us something.
Worker #1: Like a basket?
Worker #2: Yeah, a basket of rifles!
2455 Faber Place
Palo Alto, California
Overheard by: for meltnbean
3PM Pee Party
Manager #1: I was looking for you.
Manager #2: All right. Well I gotta go to the bathroom so give me a minute.
Manager #1: I do too; I'll just come with you.
Worker: Hey guys, can I come too?
Manager #2: Sure, everyone can come. Come on everyone, we're having a pee party!
1700 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM Call Maintenance Deptartment
Woman on phone: You need to have someone come by and fix the fan in the men's restroom. If that thing is not working, we are dead, baby!
Kirtland Air Force Base
Albuquerque, New Mexico
1PM Lunch
Designer: So I took the dead cat by the tail and chucked it over the fence and I thought, "Man. If the people at work could only see what a bumpkin I am."
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
12PM Pick Up Mail
Secretary: If we call this basket "inhouse" mail, shouldn't we call this basket "outhouse" mail?
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
11AM Interviews
Candidate: Do you have a listing of job openings?
HR Secretary: Yes, there is a list on the blue piece of paper on the table.
Candidate: Which one?
HR Secretary: The blue piece of paper.
Candidate: This one?
HR Secretary: Yes.
Candidate: I'm not qualified for any of these. Do you have any other positions open?
HR Secretary: Did you turn it over? There are more job listings on the back.
Candidate: Oh.
155 Deer Hill Avenue
Danbury, Connecticut
10AM Call Phone Company
Admin: The phones and internet are down temporarily.
Agent: Damn, I was expecting a phone call.
Admin: Yeah, sorry, there's nothing we can do about it. There's a
problem with the hard lines to our building.
Agent: Oh, I have an idea. I can fax them.
Admin: You can't. The phones and internet are down.
Agent: Right. Oh! I can send them an email.
Admin: You can't.
Agent: Why not?
Admin: The phones and internet are down.
Agent: Oh.
907 Massachusetts Avenue
Cambridge, Massachusetts
9AM Another Sucky Year
Manager: Look at you! You look so nice today!
Broker: Shut up. I always look nice.
Manager: No...sometimes you look like you got hit by a truck.
1610 SE Bybee Boulevard
Portland, Oregon
Read the Previous Month's Quotes!
