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January 2006 Archives
5PM That's a Wrap
Assistant on phone: One time I was in Oklahoma and I don't know if they do this anymore but they had a prisoner rodeo! They would release bulls into a pen and the prisoners had to get $100 bills stuck in the fences. Some would die but it was cool!...I mean, not that I would go again or anything.
900 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
4PM Pilot Update Due
Co-worker: This pilot is now fully rollable outable.
Rubislaw House
Anderson Drive
Aberdeen, Aberdeenshire
UK
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: So your wife works as a nurse in the ER at that new fancy hospital?
Co-worker #2: Yep. Has been for 6 months.
Co-worker #1: Do they treat people who come in without insurance there?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, treat them like shit.
1620 Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska
2PM Mail Packages
UPS: I've got a big one for you today!
Office Manager: Ooh! I'll take it!
10801 Main Street
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Jeni Gonzales
1PM Lunch
Assistant #1: So you are Jewish, right? That means you have to eat kosher food and not meat?
Assistant #2: Yes, I have to eat Kosher but I can still eat meat. I just choose to be vegetarian.
Assistant #1: That sucks you can't eat meat. I really love salmon.
69 Bloor Street East
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
12PM Budget Meeting
Manager: We should do it. I'm just concerned that the cost will be too exuberant for us to overcome.
180 Varick Street
New York, NY
11AM Rewrite Memos
Co-worker #1: Can you believe the way that this memo is written? It's like every statement is questioning.
Co-worker #2: Maybe it was written in Canada.
120 East Washington Street
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: Donnie Baker
10AM Update Resume
Worker #1: I make less than everyone. People on unemployment make less than me.
Worker #2: Is that true?
Worker #1: No.
6727 Odessa Avenue
Van Nuys, California
9AM Back to Work
Sales: I am so cranky today. I must be getting my period.
Co-worker #1: Again? You just had it last week.
Sales: Yeah. The PMS starts every week Monday and ends on Friday.
Co-worker #2: That's not PMS, that's menopause.
11694 Lackland Road
St. Louis, Missouri
5PM That's a Wrap
File Clerk: Are there many good benifits for joining Mensa? It looks like I have the option, but wonder if it is worth the effort.
Attorney: I believe one of the admission requirements is being able to figure out if it's worth it.
1445 Ross Avenue
Dallas, Texas
4PM Staff Meeting
Management: We've got to keep the inertia going.
7234 Lancaster Pike
Hockessin, Delaware
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: He figured out how to take the "this was sent from a BlackBerry" message off, so he can email and nobody knows he's not in the office.
Worker #2: Gosh, he's sneaky.
900 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Duncan
2PM Pick Up Promo Shirts
Receptionist: What are the new shirts made out?
Clerk: They're 100% cotton.
Receptionist: Cotton? That's the stuff that grows on sheep, right?
Clerk: No, cotton comes from rabbits. That's why they're called cottontails.
10 Miles South of Battle Mountain
Battle Mountain, Nevada
1PM Lunch
Boss on phone: Is this the driver who stole money from us and owes me some collard greens?
3451 North Shadeland Avenue
Indianapolis, Indiana
12PM Get Server Update
IT: Email seems to be working fine. I did a few tests and it's delivering viruses in an almost real-time fashion.
1201 18th Street
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Adam G
11AM Schedule Counseling
Boss: She's gone? And you're not going to be here tomorrow?
Secretary: Correct.
Boss: But I need counseling.
Designer: I agree!
175 South Third Street
Columbus, Ohio
10AM File Referral
Banker #1: How do you file an old CD referral?
Banker #2: Well you submit it and cancel it and submit it and cancel it and repeat that 5 times, and then wash your hands...Oh, I thought you said OCD referral. Like obsessive-compul--
Banker #1: I get it.
1241 South Wabash Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Teddy
9AM Back to Work
Teller: So how was your weekend?
Customer: Oh, it was all right...my husband died.
1600 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: indigo
5PM Preach It All Weekend, Brother
Project Engineer: If you expect me to do quality work I'm going to need a raise.
10 West Mifflin Street
Madison, Wisconsin
4PM Quarterly Assessment Meeting
Regional Director: So our biggest problem last year was we tried to take over the whole world, and the whole world is a big place. We need to think small, concentrate on taking over individual countries first...like Wisconsin.
2100 South Priest Drive
Tempe, Arizona
3PM Smoke Break
Account Exec #1: Your hair looks short today. Did you wash it this morning?
Account Exec #2: Yeah, I contemplated not washing it, but I decided I should.
Account Exec #1: Friday isn't a hair washing day.
Account Exec #2: Well, I didn't wash it yesterday.
Account Exec #1: [Lucy] can go a couple of days without washing her hair.
Account Exec #2: A couple of days?
Account Exec #1: Well, it's more or less a question of whether or not her scalp is sweaty and smelly.
171 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Conference
Conferenceperson: Could you please have a pot of coffee ready for my 2 o'clock meeting?
Secretary: Um, there's a scheduled 1 hour long power outage at 1:30.
Conferenceperson: That's okay, we have lights.
Computer Science Building
Stony Brook University
Stony Brook, New York
1PM Lunch
Co-worker on phone: Let's take the new Financial Controller from [the client] out to lunch. Is she cute?...Oh, it's a guy...Does he have a sense of humor?
680 George Street
Sydney, New South Wales
Australia
12PM Research 401(k) Options
Co-worker #1: What? You don't contribute to your 401(k)?
Co-worker #2: No, but it's my New Year's resolution.
Co-worker #1: 2 words: free money! 2 words, a bunch of syllables: free money.
1615 H Street NW
Washington, DC
11AM [Bryan] Out
Worker: [Bryan]'s sick today; he IMed me and said he needs one of us to come to his house and give him a sponge bath.
1831 Chestnut Street
St. Louis, Missouri
10AM Collect Surveys
Administrator: [Les], do you have any overdue surveys?
[Les]: No, I don't.
Administrator: You don't have any surveys due before the 26th?
[Les]: No, the only surveys I have were due on the 23rd and the 24th.
811 Russell Avenue
Gaithersburg, Maryland
9AM TGIF
Co-worker #1: Didn't you wear that shirt two days ago?
Co-worker #2: Huh? What? I don't know...
Co-worker #1: Yeah, I remember you had that sweater on a couple of days back.
Co-worker #2: Did you look that up on www.victoriaknowswhateveryonewears.com? Oh wait, it kicks back to another site, www.gofuckyourselfvictoria.com.
460 West 34th Street
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker: Okay, thanks...Hey...Are you wearing white pants? Wow. You are. This is like...some kind of day. I never seen a man wearing white dress pants here before.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
4PM Officers Meeting
Boss: Okay, it's nearly 5, so we're going to take a different approach to the voting this time. After the meeting minutes are completed, I'll email all of our ideas to everyone tomorrow, and you can email me back your votes for the best one.
Underling: Are we voting today or tomorrow?
425 Park Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Update Payroll
Bookkeeper: What is Susan's last name?
Office Manager: Susan who?
812 Moorefield Park Drive
Richmond, Virginia
2PM Call About Car
Old man: My car was stolen this morning. It's been a terrible day. I had my son come all the way out to drive me over to see you, because you're my agent.
Insurance Agent: What would you like me to do about it?
37383 6 Mile Road
Livonia, Michigan
Overheard by: Next-door Nancy
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: I'm so busy today.
Co-worker #2: Why? Thursday is the new Friday.
521 5th Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Server Upgrades
Server support: The server is still taking errors?
Network support: Okay?
Server support: Did you run the new cable we asked for?
Network Support: Yes.
Server support: Are you sure you ran it to the correct server?
Network support: Yes.
Server support: Did you test the cable?
Network support: Yes.
Server support: How did you test it?
Network support: I farted on one end and I could smell it on the other.
1600 Dublin Road
Columbus, Ohio
11AM Interviews (Cont'd)
Scheduler: So, I just called this girl in for an interview and she asks me what she should bring with her. Would you ever ask that? That's so weird. What should you bring? Some tennis balls and a racquet, what do you think you should bring?
700 South Henderson Road
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
10AM Interviews
Manager: He's so dumb he couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.
2000 North Andrews Avenue Ext.
Pompano Beach, Florida
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: You can't leave for a day ever again!
Co-worker #2: Why not?
Co-worker #1: Because without you there the average IQ in that room drops to 72.
1834 West Selfridge Street
Montgomery, Alabama
Overheard by: Asja
5PM Happy Hour
Attorney: We're smarter for making the correct decision to the everyday question: drink or work? Correct answer: drink and work.
717 Madison Place NW
Washington, DC
4PM Interviews
CSR: That guy was such a moron! And he kept trying to tell me he had a
photographic memory. I thought to myself, "Yeah, well you must be out of film."
7350 Tilghman Street
Allentown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: jara
3PM Coffee Break
Employee: "Isolate"? Why's there an E on the end?
Supervisor: ...
Employee: Oh. Just kidding!
Supervisor: Seriously?
Employee: It looked weird.
Supervisor: So when you go to the coffee shop, do you order a "late"?
Employee: No, I order a latt. Two Ts.
500 Dulany Street
Alexandria, Virginia
2PM Call Tech Support
Co-worker #1: Did you hear about that audition?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: You didn't get that email?
Co-worker #2: No. My email must be broken.
Co-worker #1: What else haven't you gotten?
Co-worker #2: Well, if my email is broken, how could I possibly know that?
270 Lafayette Street
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: I don't really pay that much attention to politics. I mean, I don't even know the difference between a Republican and a Dominican.
Sullivan Barracks
Mannheim, Germany
12PM Fax Info
Supervisor: I need you to fax this enrollment form to the dental insurance company right away.
Peon: Shouldn't I make a copy first?
9111 Duke Boulevard
Mason, Ohio
11AM System Implementation Meeting
Boss: It's not so much fast-paced as it is boring.
2700 Westchester Avenue
Purchase, New York
10AM Exit Interview
Employee #1: So have you heard from [Amanda] since she quit?
Employee #2: No. I called her twice but never heard back from her.
Employee #1: That's because she's probably bitter.
Employee #3: You've tasted her?
138 Greenwood Avenue
Bethel, Connecticut
Overheard by: Dawn Saunders
9AM Back to the Pit
Co-worker: Stop putting on your makeup at work! Do it on the subway, like normal people!
1250 Broadway
New York, NY
5PM Out of Here
Co-worker: Wow! Look at the wind!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM Clean Cube
Co-worker #1: Goodness! I can't tell you how dusty this thing is.
Co-worker #2: Why not?
Co-worker #1: Because I don't know the proper units of measurement for dust.
105 Arbor Drive
Christiansburg, Virginia
3PM James' Birthday Thing
Birthday: Thanks.
Office: Speech!
Birthday: I want you all to know that this is the oldest I've ever been.
150 River Street
Hackensack, New Jersey
2PM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Doctor's wife: You guys are going to get my husband's pracitice flagged by the insurance companies.
Biller: We only enter in the system what you have written on the charge ticket.
Doctor's wife: Well you guys are the billing company. You should know better not to trust everything you see.
221 West 21st Street
Lorain, Ohio
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: What's inside these things?
Co-worker #2: I don't know, Chocolate, I think.
Co-worker #1: There better not be anything gross inside.
Co-worker #3: That's why I don't eat balls, because you never know what's gonna come out of them.
117 Kendrick Street
Needham, Massachusetts
12PM Edit Reports
Co-worker #1: Hey, come in here for a sec!
Co-worker #2: Can it wait a second? I'm trying to finish this by lunch.
Co-worker #1: Never mind; it's just fart noises.
712 South McClintock Drive
Tempe, Arizona
11AM Staff Meeting
Manager: ...And this paper has a timeline for the changes that will benefit you in the coming months.
Employee: So this is kindling for the smoke you're blowing up our asses?
1005 17th Street
Denver, Colorado
10AM Prepare Proofs
Manager: How many did [the client] say he wanted?
Secretary: He said none for this month, but he'll print next month, so send him a proof for March.
Manager: February?
Secretary: No, not this month, next month: March.
Manager: February?
11071 Main Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
9AM Back to Work
Analyst #1: We need something to make this tea better.
Analyst #2: Have you tried rum?
10 minutes later.
Analyst #1: Do you have any more rum?
Analyst #3: It's ten in the morning.
225 High Ridge Road
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: QRC
5PM That's a Wrap
Junior Boss: I once crashed a car into a tree for the insurance money.
31401 Via Della Pace
Vicenza
Italy
Overheard by: Lorelie Long
4PM Call [the Client]
Secretary: [The client] keeps calling and asking for me. And you know what? The next time he does that, I'm going to tell him that you lied to him.
Boss: What? Why?
Secretaty: Because you tell him you're going to do all these things for him, and you don't!
Boss: That's because he's an idiot!
527 West Jefferson Street
Louisville, Kentucky
3PM Coffee Break
Team Member #1: That lady on the street was laughing at you.
Team Member #2: Why? I was trying to make you laugh, not her.
Team Member #1: Why? Because of what you did! No one does that here!
Team Member #2: I'm just trying to bring diversity to the office...
Team Member #1: By doing that?
Team Member #2: Could you just try to not make fun of me for one day?
Just try?
201 3rd Street
San Francisco, California