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December 2005 Archives
5PM See You Then!
Assistant: What year is it now?
Manager: 2005
Assistant : Still? Okay! It's so easy to forget what year it is, isn't it?
Manager: Not really.
Assistant: So it's 2006 in--
Manager: January 1st!
Commercial Road
Hull, East Yorkshire
UK
Overheard by: Simon Green
4PM Find New Temp
Co-worker #1: I can't believe that they fired that temp.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, he wasn't working very hard and he was goofing off.
Co-worker #1: That's not very fair. By the way, do you have the new football pool sheet? I lost mine.
4950 College Boulevard
Leawood, Kansas
Overheard by: Ron Zinn
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: That guy really gets on my nerves with his whistling.
Worker #2: Hey [Bryan]! Whistle from where I fucked you last.
21100 Rogers Drive
Rogers, Minnesota
2PM Layoff Announcements
Exec: Nobody walks around in culottes unless there's something important going on.
150 5th Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Oh, you look nice. Are you going somewhere?
Co-worker #2: No, I just never went home last night.
2105 Bancroft Way
Berkeley, California
12PM Meeting with Devs (Con'td)
Web Developer: Nobody ever made money off the internet with a business model that required two hands!
845 High Street
Palo Alto, California
11AM Check in with Devs
Co-worker #1: So do you think the developers can hit this target?
Co-worker #2: I mean the bar is so low how can they not?
Co-worker #1: Yeah, I suppose even people in the Special Olympics can make it over this one.
10866 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Pricing Review
Underling: What do you think about the new price increase?
Team leader: I think; that's all I know.
1070 Technology Drive
Venice, Florida
9AM Only Eight More Hours of This
Manager: Good morning ladies. What are you whispering about?
Secretary #1 & #2: You.
11909 Spencer Road
Houston, Texas
5PM Out of Here
Suit: We don't need to do that right away, we can do it tomorrow.
Boss: We should do it today. Why put off until tomorrow what we can do today?
Suit: I was thinking about killing you yesterday.
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
4PM Order New Fan
Co-worker #1: You should get that fan fixed. It's really loud.
Co-worker #2: I don't mind it.
Co-worker #1: It's really loud.
Co-worker #2: I don't mind. I just pretend I'm working in my private jet at 30,000 feet. It's noisy for a computer fan but it's really quiet for a jet.
2137 Highway 35
Holmdel, New Jersey
Overheard by: Chuck Roast
3PM Smoke Break
Business Officer: You remember when I told you that?
Editor: No, I was drunk at the time.
409 Prospect Street
New Haven, Connecticut
2PM Staff Meeting
VP: That would be an unintended put option...as in put us out of our misery.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: I have to leave in like two hours.
Worker #2: I just got here...
Worker #1 & #2: Ha, ha!
Worker #1: Isn't that what flex-time means, anyway?
4 Columbus Circle
New York, NY
Overheard by: cindy
12PM Check Up on Renatl Department
Client on speaker: I need one of those lights that you put on the camera, and a metal thing, and also the curly thing.
Rental Department: So you need a flash, a stroboframe bracket and the off-camera cord?
Client on speaker: Yeah, sure, I guess. Oh, and do you have one of these things that see the light?
Rental Department: A flash meter you mean?
Client on speaker: Sure, I guess.
Rental Department: Sir, are you the photographer?
Client on speaker: Yes, why?
1111 North Cherry Street
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Crisis Management Meeting
Boss: You'll be happy to know that we asked accounting to open up a billing code for "unstrategic planning."
5340 Alla Road
Los Angeles, California
10AM Sitdown with HR
Boss: ...Right where a woman belongs!
Co-worker: Where's that, [Kevin]?
Boss: In the kitchen!
Co-worker: Oh, you did not just say that!
Boss: No, you're right...I didn't.
1345 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
9AM Back to the Farm
Project Manager: I hate these cubicles. Oh wait, they are not cubicles anymore. What are we supposed to call them? Coffices?
Field Manager: I like veal pens or officles.
85 E Street
South Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
5PM Out of Here
Co-worker #1: has Crazy [Don] come to see you yet?
Co-worker #2: Yeah. The first two weeks I was here he came over to my desk every day.
Co-worker #1: Did he ever make eye contact?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: He's crazy.
Co-worker #2: At least he's not trying to molest me.
3600 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
4PM Send Out Tuition Check
Housing: You need to sign this form that talks about the potential risks of lead paint.
Student: Lead paint? Could that be dangerous?
Housing: No.
Student: Really?
Housing: Well, I wouldn't lick the walls.
400 West 119th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: djlindee
3PM Bathroom Break
Worker #1: I think there must be something wrong with this phone.
Worker #2: Why?
Worker #1: Every day I check it here and it always goes out at the same time and I can't get a signal
Worker #2: Do you always use it in the bathroom?
Worker #1: Yeah, I don't understand why every day at the same it doesn't work.
Worker #2: Why don't you take it outside?
He goes outside the bathroom for a couple of minutes and comes back in.
Worker #1: See? I come back in and it's not working.
Boss in stall: You're surrounded by two feet of concrete in every direction! The signal can't penetrate!
2011 Mahone Avenue
Fort Lee Virginia
Overheard by: badford
2PM Call Staples (They've Got That)
Receptionist: Do you have any extra wireless cords?
2777 Crystal Drive
Arlington, Virginia
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Are we still on for lunch at the strip club on Wednesday?
Worker #2: You bet. Is there really a lunch buffet there?
4 Gateway Center
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Matt
12PM Go Over Forecasts
Originator: Two charts are just great. Very helpful. Two is a lot more
than one.
VP: Yeah, it's like twice as much.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
11AM EOY Staff Meeting
Manager: We're all sharks. Remember, guys.
Employee: Huh? Sharks?
Manager: Yeah, we're all like sharks. Sharks have to keep moving their whole life or they'll die. They never stop moving. So keep moving, guys! We're sharks!
Employee: So basically what you're saying is that if we stop moving, you'll kill us all?
208 Chain Lake Drive
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
10AM Print Reports
Engineer: Ah, crap.
Secretary: Whatsamatta?
Engineer: Printer's giving me an error message.
Secretary: And what does it say?
Engineer: Tray two is empty..
Secretary: Well, then fill it. Reams are right next to it.
Engineer: Yeah, uh, well, which tray is tray two?
Secretary: Gee, I don't know; maybe the one labeled "two"?
Engineer: Oh, that's what those numbers mean?
One Penn Plaza
New York, NY
9AM Here They Go
Co-worker: Here comes trouble.
Boss: Get back in your box and shut the lid.
Co-worker: I *am* in my box. I was just sitting here and you came in my box!
10398 Pacific Center Court
San Diego, California
5PM That's a Wrap
Clinical Services Manager: I hate it when my email is full of porn!
Clinical Services Assistant: Well, at least it's not kiddie porn.
Clinical Services Manager: Wait, they make porn with cats in it now?
999 Home Plaza
Waterloo, Iowa
Overheard by: RicaChica
4PM Annual Report Due
Editor: You got a little insert action going on there?
Paginator: Yeah, you like it?
Editor: Oh yeah, I like it.
Paginator: What about this, you like this?
Editor: That's great.
9 Long Pond Road
Plymouth, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Miss Persnicket
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: Are we loud in meetings?
Co-worker #2: Some of us are.
Co-worker #1: Let me correct that: are we allowed in meetings?
3650 131st Avenue SE
Bellevue, Washington
2PM Find Out What Those Plumbers Said
Plumber #1: So what about Jeanette?
Plumber #2: She pisses me off, man. That bitch pisses me off so much I want to cut her into little pieces. You know what I mean?
Plumber #1: I know what you mean.
Translated from the Spanish.
145 East 35th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Spooner
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Congratulations on your engagement and your new job! When is your last day?
Worker #2: Next Wednesday, thanks.
Worker #3: Are you leaving so soon because of that pooper ring on your finger?
Worker #2: "Pooper ring"?
Worker #3: Yes, you know...You had to take it in the pooper to get a ring that big.
1600 21st Street NW
Washington, DC
12PM Project Assignments (Cont'd)
Employee: Next time, just use me! I'm a tool!
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
11AM Project Assignments
HR #1: Why would anyone agree to take on more responsibility if we're not going to pay them more?
HR #2: We're giving them more projects to work on that will be more advanced than what they're working on right now. I think people look for a challenge and they will be willing to take on more responsibility if it promises to be rewarding. Besides, most of them are in their twenties and need to start somewhere. So you see, we really are paying them more...in experience.
HR #1: Who is ever going to fall for that?
150 Garden Street
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Snoop E.
10AM Schedule Meetings
Worker #1: Do you have any time available to meet on Thursday?
Worker #2: It will be pretty tough; I have back to back meetings all day.
Worker #1: How about 11AM?
Worker #2: Okay, I have nothing scheduled at all between 9AM and 5PM.
140 Broadway
New York, NY
Overheard by: HardlyWorking
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker: If I didn't have so much to do, I would get a lot more done.
3675 Ruffin Road
San Diego, California
5PM Enjoy the Weekend, Everyone
Boss: Have a great Christmas, everyone. I'm going to go see my new grandkid.
Secretary: Aw. You have a new grandchild? Is this the first time
you'll see it?
Boss: Yeah, they're delivering by C-section on Wednesday.
2320 West Highway 76
Branson, Missouri
4PM Christmas Party (Cont'd)
Agent #1: Why is that dog wearing a "W" on its head?
Agent #2: That's not a "W"; it's obviously an "M." It's just upside down.
Bystander: Um...those are reindeer antlers.
7145 SE 21st Avenue
Portland, Oregon
3PM Christmas Party (Cont'd)
Boss: I'm getting nailed to the wall here, guys! C'mon! I'm not Jesus Christ! Help me out!
3211 Jermantown Road
Fairfax, Virginia
Overheard by: Genevieve
1PM Christmas Party
Co-worker #1: Can you make those changes I requested?
Co-worker #2: Did you ever email me the information?
Co-worker #1: No. I'll have it to you in 10 minutes.
Co-worker #2: Sorry, party starts in 4 minutes.
1932 Highland Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio
1PM Lunch
Engineer: Excuse me, those Splenda packets are for our department only. You're going to have to pay me for the two that you stole.
2525 West 190th Street
Torrance, California
12PM Final Party Prep
Boss on phone: All the invitations said black tie, so I bought a white shirt and a black tie and wore that.
8800 West Sunset Boulevard
West Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Cpt. Rombone
11AM Staff Meeting
Boss: Take me as a critic, but then also look at it with a hypocritical eye yourself.
25 Broadway,
New York, NY
10AM Gotta Meet That Deadline
Manager: Here you go.
Employee: Oh, thank goodness. This is what she's looking for...I'm so glad you found it. I would have had to redo it right now.
Manager: I found it on your desk.
303 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Only One More Day...
Worker #1: Did you see the sign on the copier?
Worker #2: No, what did it say?
Worker #1: "Don't Touch Craig".
175 South Third Street
Columbus, Ohio
5PM That's a Wrap
CSR #1: What does IT stand for?
CSR #2: Idiotic tendencies.
CSR #1: Oh, so that's why we forward them all the stupid questions.
4800 NW 1st Street
Lincoln, Nebraska
Overheard by: customerserviceslave
4PM Final Trip Preparations
Boss: Will my BlackBerry work in Thailand?
IT: Yeah, it will work anywhere in Europe.
One Allen Center
Houston, Texas
3PM Coffee Break
CSR: Jesus, this coffee tastes like it was brewed in a colostomy bag.
Admin: I think it tastes delicious.
CSR: You would.
4800 NW 1st Street
Lincoln, Nebraska
Overheard by: customerserviceslave
2PM Credit Meeting
VP: Are we going to continue to flog ourselves with the same blunt instrument?
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Make sure you eat some of the leftovers from the potluck.
Co-worker #2: Okay.
Co-worker #1: And you'd better hurry before [Nick] and [Sara] get in there and stuff their faces. They give pigs a bad name.
10011 109th Street
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
12PM Meeting with HR
Supervisor: I didn't just say that to him because he's gay, I would've said the same thing to you.
Worker: Oh yeah? How do you know I'm not gay?
Supervisor: I don't. Are you?
Worker: Yes.
Supervisor: Okay then, have a nice day...
716 West Genesee Street
Syracuse, New York
11AM Monitor Calls
CSR on phone: Sir, would you mind slowing down just a little bit?You're really giving me a lot of information, and it's not really
registering in my brain because I'm still trying to type in all the
other crap you told me.
5129 Beverly Glen Village Lane
Norcross, Georgia
10AM Evaluations
Co-worker #1: How did she end up one of the bosses?
Co-worker #2: She's one of those people that keep getting promoted because she's completely incompetant and has no sense of humor.
25 Brooklyn Avenue
Forsyth, Georgia
9AM Today's Looking Up
Manager: Will you help him on this issue?
Buyer #1: I'd be happy to help him.
15 minutes pass.
Buyer #2: If you just don't do your work, they won't fire you; they'll
just give it to somebody else.
6808 Lake Worth Boulevard
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: Cube Monkey
5PM Pick Up the Kid
At little boy spills his drink. The supervisor hands him a mop
Supervisor: Now go clean up the mess you made. This will teach you what you'll be doing when you grow up.
20410 Highway 46 W
Spring Branch, Texas
4PM Meeting with the Brits
Client: I measured it, it was 4 centimetres!
Salesman: What's that in millimetres?
Client: Did you even go to school?
297 Munster Road
Fulham, London
UK
Overheard by: Marshall