November 2005 Archives

5PM That's Enough for Today

Suit #1: Oh, fucking great. This is how-- [Jon] is getting married. And I have to sign this stupid card along with everyone else like--
Suit #2: Wow, hostile much? We barely know him.
Suit #1: Oh, I know his fiancee quite...ugh, never mind.

71 5th Avenue
New York, NY


Overheard by
: Intern hears all


Posted 2005-11-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM Marketing Meeting

Marketing Director: So as we can see, it's going to be effective with a capital A!

2815 NW 13th Street
Gainesville, Florida


Overheard by
: The Evil Overlord


Posted 2005-11-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM Bathroom Break

Co-worker: This is the hard part. Yep, it still looks like tomato soup.

5801 South Wintersburg Road
Tonopah, Arizona


Posted 2005-11-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM Liberate the Slaves

Co-worker: The network people are always sending around network interruption notices telling us that the system will be down Sunday from 10-2. Like I'm working then! Besides, this is like therapy for people with BlackBerries. Free yourselves, crackberry slaves!

50 Driveway
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia


Posted 2005-11-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM Lunch

Co-worker #1: I think the pills of my dreams would allow me to eat whatever I wanted and never get above a size 4.
Co-worker #2: Those already exist. They're called laxatives.

147 Columbus Avenue
New York, NY


Overheard by
: Jess


Posted 2005-11-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM Research Software

Co-worker #1: What's SAS like?
Co-worker #2: It's sassy!

600 Alexander Park
Princeton, New Jersey


Overheard by
: Philly Cynics


Posted 2005-11-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM Go Over Resumes

Manager: "...I was forced to take a year off work to look after my sick mother. She's dead now so problem over."

33 Paradise Road
Richmond, Surrey
UK


Posted 2005-11-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM Collect Letters of Intent

Professor: A "letter of intent"? Whaddya mean, "intent"? I intend on getting myself a sweet little girlfriend like [Nick] has; is that what you mean by "intent"? Get a Korean girlfriend on the side?

San 69-1
Churye 2-dong, Sasang-gu
Busan City, South Korea


Posted 2005-11-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM Good Morning, Office!

Lawyer #1: What does that mean again?
Lawyer #2: Listen, if you can't figure out this report, you're fired.

452 5th Avenue
New York, NY


Overheard by
: Bob


Posted 2005-11-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM That's a Wrap

Co-worker #1: You're really getting good at that.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, but I keep thinking the little running chef in
BurgerTime looks disturbingly like Jim Cramer.
Co-worker #3
: Can't you at least pretend you're working?


250 West 55th Street
New York, NY


Overheard by
: MadMoney


Posted 2005-11-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM Managers' Meeting

Manager: I'm sorry that was a dumb question, I just didn't have enough to eat before lunch.

1005 17th Street
Denver, Colorado


Posted 2005-11-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM Lunch and Learn

Worker #1: The "Lunch And Learn" is today, right?
Worker #2: Yep.
Worker #1: Can we take our lunch in?

699 Walnut Street
Des Moines, Iowa


Posted 2005-11-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM PowerPoint Class

Director #1: [Beth], sit over here!
Director #2: Yeah [Beth], this is the power row.

2111 North Haskell Avenue
Dallas, Texas


Posted 2005-11-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM It Begins

Manager: Did I hear someone trying to play matchmaker? Have you routed a memo for approval?

10155 102 Street
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia


Overheard by
: angel.girl


Posted 2005-11-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM That's a Wrap

Account Manager: Hey, do you feel like a monkey in the middle of an idiot sandwich?
Process Analyst: That would make you one of the idiots. Are you calling yourself an idiot?
Account Manager: Oh...huh?

5 minutes later.

Process Analyst: Hey, do you feel like an idiot in a monkey sandwich?
Account Manager: Ha! Now you are the idiot!
Process Analyst: No...that still makes you the idiot.

520 Guthridge Court
Norcross, Georgia


Posted 2005-11-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM You Know the Drill

Co-worker: Oh crap. We're having a fire drill today? That fucking sucks. It's too fucking cold for that shit.
Drill Captain: Yes, I know...but they are important. We need to do them at least twice a year.
Co-worker: How the fuck are they important? Did you miss fire safety week in the first grade? You don't know what to do if there is a fire? Well, here you go: take the stairs down to the lobby and go outside away from the fire. Shit, you probably still get into strangers' cars if they offer you candy.

3350 Riverwood Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia


Overheard by
: nicolette


Posted 2005-11-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM Coffee/Cigarette Break

Co-worker #1: Ah, beat me to it!
Co-worker #2: Yeah, it's the little victories that get you through the day.
Co-worker #3: ...Yeah, that or drugs.

375 Hudson Street
New York, NY


Overheard by
: Paul Lamb


Posted 2005-11-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM Deliver Invoices to Probation Office

Secretary: There was a black man who lived in my county. He was the only one. We called him Nigger Jim.
Co-worker: What?
Secretary: Oh, it was okay. He called himself that. He was retarded.
Co-worker: Where is he now?
Secretary: Prison.

130 East Main Street
Canton, Georgia


Posted 2005-11-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM Lunch

Co-worker #1: I mean he did a complete 360, and the worst part is I never saw it coming.
Co-worker #2: Well, you know they say that hindsight is 50/50.

112 Thomas Boyd Hall
Baton Rouge, Louisiana


Posted 2005-11-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM Get Update from Programming

Developer #1: Ooh, a SOAP exception.
Developer #2: "SOAP exception, unable to shower."

1601 Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania


Posted 2005-11-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM Meeting with NJ Branch Folks

Co-worker on phone: When you get out of the subway station start walking North--
Manager: Don't tell them that...your North is different from my North and it's a tarantula downpour outside. You don't want them walking the wrong way in the rain.
Co-worker: Everyone's North is the same and it's torrential downpour.
Manager: Everyone's North is the same? I always get my Norths mixed up.

535 8th Avenue
New York, NY


Overheard by
: Angie Rowe


Posted 2005-11-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM Schedule Comp Time

Employee: I worked 12 hours over this month, so I have some comp time on the books. I need to use 30 minutes of that tomorrow so I can leave a little early to go to the doctor.
Boss: Well, I don't think that's going to work. There are only 5 other people here that afternoon, and I am taking a two hour lunch tomorrow.

1600 Charleston Avenue
Mattoon, Illinois


Posted 2005-11-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM Thanksgiving...Come Back...

Secretary: You can't do that!
VP: I'm like Bush. I answer to God.
Secretary: You answer to me!
VP: Isn't that what I just said?

10559 Citation Drive
Brighton, Michigan


Overheard by
: Abigail Fisher


Posted 2005-11-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM Luckily We Do...for Four Days!

Customer: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Vietnam?
Employee: Um...no?

2063 Camden Avenue
San Jose, California


Posted 2005-11-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM Work on Audit

Manager: This audit is driving me crazy!
Receptionist: Oh, you won't have to drive there. For you, it's just a short walk.

50 East Exchange Street
Akron, Ohio


Overheard by
: Ed Poe


Posted 2005-11-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM Cigarette Break

Employee #1: People hate smokers now.
Employee #2: They really do!
Employee #1: We're piranhas.

2 Penn Plaza
New York, NY


Overheard by
: Patrick


Posted 2005-11-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM Forward FedEx to Kevin

Co-worker: Can you e-mail a hard copy of that file to me?

1420 5th Avenue
Seattle, Washington


Posted 2005-11-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM Lunch in Cafeteria

Employee: No one comes here anymore, it's too crowded.

383 Madison Avenue
New York, NY


Overheard by
: kt


Posted 2005-11-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM Conference Call

Office Manager: Well, I'm done with my conference call.
Employee: That wasn't very long.
Office Manager: Sorry about that. I aim to satisfy.

132 East Central Avenue
Lake Wales, Florida


Posted 2005-11-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM Conference Assignments

Department Head: You don't get to choose what the conference is on, there is a pre-set list and they will be allocated around the team.
Co-worker: In that case I think I'll run a conference on Pathfinders.

Websters Ropery
Ropery Road, Sunderland
UK


Overheard by
: Jennifer Stevenson


Posted 2005-11-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM Guest Presentation

Receptionist: [Steve], I thought about you today when the speaker started talking about anal sex.

1000 Hilltop Circle
Catonsville, Maryland


Posted 2005-11-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM She's So Lucky

Accounting Clerk on phone: I'm sorry, she no longer works here. Could I take a message?

3850 Three Mile Lane
McMinnville, Oregon


Posted 2005-11-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM I'm Calling It a Night

Co-worker: Dude, there is something really funky smelling coming from underneath my mousepad.

5215 North O'Connor Boulevard
Irving, Texas


Overheard by
: imaninarticluatetool


Posted 2005-11-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM Call [ColdCo]

Owner #1: We need to get the freezer fixed.
Owner #2: Well, we can call [ColdCo].
Owner #1: [ColdCo] raped us last time!
Owner #2: True. But this way at least we know our rapist.

201 North 78th Street
Omaha, Nebraska


Posted 2005-11-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM Cigarette Break

Co-worker: My hubby can be such a dork. We went to the hardware store this weekend because we are refinishing our bathroom. So, I ask the hardware store guy, "Where do you keep your caulk?" Hubby just stood behind me and snickered.

8400 Esters Boulevard
Irving, Texas


Posted 2005-11-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM Orientation

CSR: So if someone calls and asks to be transferred to Darryl, I transfer the call to Darryl, right?

51 Madison Avenue
New York, NY


Posted 2005-11-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM Lunch

HR #1: She said she's going to be on it for life! What kind of doctor gives you Valium for life?
Accountant: A good one!
HR #1: And what doctor would mix Valium, Vicodin, and Demerol?
HR #2: What's this doctor's name, again?

1776 Main Street
Springfield, Massachusetts


Overheard by
: ribbon


Posted 2005-11-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM Server Testing

IT: That's "Venus", our main file server.
Architect: Why is it called "Venus"?
IT: Becuase it's a big black bad-ass server.

603 King Street
Alexandria, Virginia


Overheard by
: Charles Warren


Posted 2005-11-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM Drop Off Legal Files

Defendant: Judge, my probation officer says I was drinking. I told him I wasn't! I told him he could blow me.

111 South Michigan Avenue
Saginaw, Michigan


Posted 2005-11-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM Work on Newsletter

VP: Our newsletter is gonna be sexy.
Co-worker: I thought we're trying to be more corporate.
VP: I'm the VP of corporate development, and i'm telling you we're sexy!

100 William Street
New York, NY


Posted 2005-11-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM Where's My Tums...

Co-worker: She said I was giving her an ulcer...But I don't even have ulcers!

1127 Euclid Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio


Posted 2005-11-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM That's a Wrap

Associate #1: Well, you look nice today.
Associate #2: Stop being mean to me!

11755 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California


Overheard by
: AJ Feuerman


Posted 2005-11-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM Call for Puddles' Diagnosis

Employee: So Doc, how long before the leg grows back?
Vet: It's not a freakin' starfish!

4448 Hendricks Avenuw
Jacksonville, Florida


Posted 2005-11-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM Birthday Cake!

Boss: And happy birthday to [Chris]. Today is his birthday
[Chris]: My birthday isn't today, it's in May.
Boss: This [planner] thing is useless.
Employee #2: It's only as good as what you put into it.

111 South Michigan Avenue
Saginaw, Michigan


Posted 2005-11-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM All Hands Meeting at Downtown Branch

HR: Okay [Jen], here is your six month review. You are doing excellent work, we couldn't be happier, you adapt especially well to change and keep this office running like a tight ship. We have put you in for a substantial raise.
VP: We have come to the decision that we will be closing this office. Everyone's last day of work will be December 31st--
HR: --and here are your severance packages.

238 Bedford Street
Lexington, Massachusetts


Posted 2005-11-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM Lunch

Employee #1: What are you doing? Catching up on your celebrity gossip?
Employee #2: Scientology today, actually.
Employee #1: I'll join if you join!
Employee #3: Already a member.
Middle Manager: All of you shut up. Trying to have a silent birth over here.

3810 Wabash Drive
Mira Loma, California


Overheard by
: Office Derelict


Posted 2005-11-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM Update Site

Business Services Manager: I just sent you that logo in Word format.
Web Manager: Word isn't really an image format, but I can probably make it work.
Business Services Manager: Well, I probably have it in another format. I think I might have it as a Giraffe.

211 Commerce Street
Nashville, Tennessee


Posted 2005-11-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM Finalize Campaign

Marketer: There's nothing sexy about turkey.
Writer: No.
Marketer: What about, "Need a way to keep from stuffing yourself? Go have an orgasm!"

8885 Venice Boulevard
Los Angeles, California


Posted 2005-11-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

10AM Review

Worker: Can you review this for me?
Manager: Why are you asking me all the time?
Worker: Because you're my team leader.
Manager: There are no team leaders anymore.
Worker: What? Yes, there are.
Manager: No, there aren't.
Worker: Well, I asked [Jesse] yesterday, and he said he couldn't do it because he wasn't my team leader. Why would he say that if there aren't team leaders anymore?
Manager: Because he didn't want to do your review.

137 Iroquois Avenue
Essex Junction, Vermont


Posted 2005-11-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

9AM Monday, Monday

Receptionist: Yeah, but if you say that then you're being illogical--
Exec: Ah, that's your problem, you've brought logic into the argument.
Receptionist: Um...

271 Rathdowne Street
Carlton, Victoria
Australia


Posted 2005-11-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

5PM This Office Stinks; I'm Done

Co-worker #1: Hey, do you remember back in school when every school had the smelly kid? You know, he had no particular reason for smelling and no one could never place it but, nonetheless, he had a bad, stale smell to him?
Co-worker #2: Ha, ha. Yeah, I do. Why?
Co-worker #1: If this office was a school, you'd be the smelly kid and you need to do something about it.

270 Madison Avenue
New York, NY


Overheard by: Matty K


Posted 2005-11-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

4PM Get New Wireless Card

IT #1: Okay, I'll set up one of my extra workstations and get a wireless card for it.
IT #2: Can you get a card easily?
IT #1: Oh sure, they're only about 50 bucks. I can get petty cash.
Manager: So we have to go through you. Why can't [Claude] get it?
IT #2: Because I have to go through too many layers of management and red tape.
Manager: For an old computer and a $50 card?
IT #1: Yeah, this place is like a prison. It's all about who can trade cigarettes for a sharp shiv.
Manager: Or who's around when you drop the soap...

525 Rudder Road
Fenton, Missouri


Posted 2005-11-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

3PM Coffee Break

Co-worker: Where do we sign up for that class? Ass-kissing 101?
'Cause I think I have this negative reaction to it that's holding me back, and I think that a class could really help me break down barriers.

1910 Pacific Avenue
Dallas, Texas


Posted 2005-11-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

2PM QA

Tester: Dude, did you see this? There's a button in the software that says "Fuck Off."
Designer: So?...That's a feature. Did you press it?
Tester: Yeah...it just went away.
Designer: And did it make you feel better?
Tester: Strangely, yeah. Yeah, it did.
Designer: See?

211 Van Buren Street
Nashville, Indiana


Overheard by
: Scott


Posted 2005-11-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

1PM Lunch

Secretary: Oh wow, these are good.
Attorney: What are you eating?
Secretary: They are meatless meatballs.
Attorney: So essentially, you're just eating balls.

1050 Thomas Jefferson Street NW
Washington, DC


Posted 2005-11-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

12PM Call Heidi

Lawyer on phone: ...No...No....They can't take your kids away for smokin' pot, that's bullshit...Ha, ha, ha!

500 5th Avenue
New York, NY


Posted 2005-11-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us

11AM Board Meeting

Attorney: An Interested Party is any board member who receives, or whose spouse or descendants receives, financial gain