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November 2005 Archives
5PM That's Enough for Today
Suit #1: Oh, fucking great. This is how-- [Jon] is getting married. And I have to sign this stupid card along with everyone else like--
Suit #2: Wow, hostile much? We barely know him.
Suit #1: Oh, I know his fiancee quite...ugh, never mind.
71 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Intern hears all
4PM Marketing Meeting
Marketing Director: So as we can see, it's going to be effective with a capital A!
2815 NW 13th Street
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: The Evil Overlord
3PM Bathroom Break
Co-worker: This is the hard part. Yep, it still looks like tomato soup.
5801 South Wintersburg Road
Tonopah, Arizona
2PM Liberate the Slaves
Co-worker: The network people are always sending around network interruption notices telling us that the system will be down Sunday from 10-2. Like I'm working then! Besides, this is like therapy for people with BlackBerries. Free yourselves, crackberry slaves!
50 Driveway
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: I think the pills of my dreams would allow me to eat whatever I wanted and never get above a size 4.
Co-worker #2: Those already exist. They're called laxatives.
147 Columbus Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Jess
12PM Research Software
Co-worker #1: What's SAS like?
Co-worker #2: It's sassy!
600 Alexander Park
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Philly Cynics
11AM Go Over Resumes
Manager: "...I was forced to take a year off work to look after my sick mother. She's dead now so problem over."
33 Paradise Road
Richmond, Surrey
UK
10AM Collect Letters of Intent
Professor: A "letter of intent"? Whaddya mean, "intent"? I intend on getting myself a sweet little girlfriend like [Nick] has; is that what you mean by "intent"? Get a Korean girlfriend on the side?
San 69-1
Churye 2-dong, Sasang-gu
Busan City, South Korea
9AM Good Morning, Office!
Lawyer #1: What does that mean again?
Lawyer #2: Listen, if you can't figure out this report, you're fired.
452 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Bob
4PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: You're really getting good at that.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, but I keep thinking the little running chef in
BurgerTime looks disturbingly like Jim Cramer.
Co-worker #3: Can't you at least pretend you're working?
250 West 55th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: MadMoney
2PM Managers' Meeting
Manager: I'm sorry that was a dumb question, I just didn't have enough to eat before lunch.
1005 17th Street
Denver, Colorado
1PM Lunch and Learn
Worker #1: The "Lunch And Learn" is today, right?
Worker #2: Yep.
Worker #1: Can we take our lunch in?
699 Walnut Street
Des Moines, Iowa
11AM PowerPoint Class
Director #1: [Beth], sit over here!
Director #2: Yeah [Beth], this is the power row.
2111 North Haskell Avenue
Dallas, Texas
9AM It Begins
Manager: Did I hear someone trying to play matchmaker? Have you routed a memo for approval?
10155 102 Street
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: angel.girl
5PM That's a Wrap
Account Manager: Hey, do you feel like a monkey in the middle of an idiot sandwich?
Process Analyst: That would make you one of the idiots. Are you calling yourself an idiot?
Account Manager: Oh...huh?
5 minutes later.
Process Analyst: Hey, do you feel like an idiot in a monkey sandwich?
Account Manager: Ha! Now you are the idiot!
Process Analyst: No...that still makes you the idiot.
520 Guthridge Court
Norcross, Georgia
4PM You Know the Drill
Co-worker: Oh crap. We're having a fire drill today? That fucking sucks. It's too fucking cold for that shit.
Drill Captain: Yes, I know...but they are important. We need to do them at least twice a year.
Co-worker: How the fuck are they important? Did you miss fire safety week in the first grade? You don't know what to do if there is a fire? Well, here you go: take the stairs down to the lobby and go outside away from the fire. Shit, you probably still get into strangers' cars if they offer you candy.
3350 Riverwood Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: nicolette
3PM Coffee/Cigarette Break
Co-worker #1: Ah, beat me to it!
Co-worker #2: Yeah, it's the little victories that get you through the day.
Co-worker #3: ...Yeah, that or drugs.
375 Hudson Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Paul Lamb
2PM Deliver Invoices to Probation Office
Secretary: There was a black man who lived in my county. He was the only one. We called him Nigger Jim.
Co-worker: What?
Secretary: Oh, it was okay. He called himself that. He was retarded.
Co-worker: Where is he now?
Secretary: Prison.
130 East Main Street
Canton, Georgia
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: I mean he did a complete 360, and the worst part is I never saw it coming.
Co-worker #2: Well, you know they say that hindsight is 50/50.
112 Thomas Boyd Hall
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
12PM Get Update from Programming
Developer #1: Ooh, a SOAP exception.
Developer #2: "SOAP exception, unable to shower."
1601 Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
11AM Meeting with NJ Branch Folks
Co-worker on phone: When you get out of the subway station start walking North--
Manager: Don't tell them that...your North is different from my North and it's a tarantula downpour outside. You don't want them walking the wrong way in the rain.
Co-worker: Everyone's North is the same and it's torrential downpour.
Manager: Everyone's North is the same? I always get my Norths mixed up.
535 8th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Angie Rowe
10AM Schedule Comp Time
Employee: I worked 12 hours over this month, so I have some comp time on the books. I need to use 30 minutes of that tomorrow so I can leave a little early to go to the doctor.
Boss: Well, I don't think that's going to work. There are only 5 other people here that afternoon, and I am taking a two hour lunch tomorrow.
1600 Charleston Avenue
Mattoon, Illinois
9AM Thanksgiving...Come Back...
Secretary: You can't do that!
VP: I'm like Bush. I answer to God.
Secretary: You answer to me!
VP: Isn't that what I just said?
10559 Citation Drive
Brighton, Michigan
Overheard by: Abigail Fisher
5PM Luckily We Do...for Four Days!
Customer: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Vietnam?
Employee: Um...no?
2063 Camden Avenue
San Jose, California
4PM Work on Audit
Manager: This audit is driving me crazy!
Receptionist: Oh, you won't have to drive there. For you, it's just a short walk.
50 East Exchange Street
Akron, Ohio
Overheard by: Ed Poe
3PM Cigarette Break
Employee #1: People hate smokers now.
Employee #2: They really do!
Employee #1: We're piranhas.
2 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Patrick
2PM Forward FedEx to Kevin
Co-worker: Can you e-mail a hard copy of that file to me?
1420 5th Avenue
Seattle, Washington
1PM Lunch in Cafeteria
Employee: No one comes here anymore, it's too crowded.
383 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: kt
12PM Conference Call
Office Manager: Well, I'm done with my conference call.
Employee: That wasn't very long.
Office Manager: Sorry about that. I aim to satisfy.
132 East Central Avenue
Lake Wales, Florida
11AM Conference Assignments
Department Head: You don't get to choose what the conference is on, there is a pre-set list and they will be allocated around the team.
Co-worker: In that case I think I'll run a conference on Pathfinders.
Websters Ropery
Ropery Road, Sunderland
UK
Overheard by: Jennifer Stevenson
10AM Guest Presentation
Receptionist: [Steve], I thought about you today when the speaker started talking about anal sex.
1000 Hilltop Circle
Catonsville, Maryland
9AM She's So Lucky
Accounting Clerk on phone: I'm sorry, she no longer works here. Could I take a message?
3850 Three Mile Lane
McMinnville, Oregon
5PM I'm Calling It a Night
Co-worker: Dude, there is something really funky smelling coming from underneath my mousepad.
5215 North O'Connor Boulevard
Irving, Texas
Overheard by: imaninarticluatetool
4PM Call [ColdCo]
Owner #1: We need to get the freezer fixed.
Owner #2: Well, we can call [ColdCo].
Owner #1: [ColdCo] raped us last time!
Owner #2: True. But this way at least we know our rapist.
201 North 78th Street
Omaha, Nebraska
3PM Cigarette Break
Co-worker: My hubby can be such a dork. We went to the hardware store this weekend because we are refinishing our bathroom. So, I ask the hardware store guy, "Where do you keep your caulk?" Hubby just stood behind me and snickered.
8400 Esters Boulevard
Irving, Texas
2PM Orientation
CSR: So if someone calls and asks to be transferred to Darryl, I transfer the call to Darryl, right?
51 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
HR #1: She said she's going to be on it for life! What kind of doctor gives you Valium for life?
Accountant: A good one!
HR #1: And what doctor would mix Valium, Vicodin, and Demerol?
HR #2: What's this doctor's name, again?
1776 Main Street
Springfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: ribbon
12PM Server Testing
IT: That's "Venus", our main file server.
Architect: Why is it called "Venus"?
IT: Becuase it's a big black bad-ass server.
603 King Street
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Charles Warren
11AM Drop Off Legal Files
Defendant: Judge, my probation officer says I was drinking. I told him I wasn't! I told him he could blow me.
111 South Michigan Avenue
Saginaw, Michigan
10AM Work on Newsletter
VP: Our newsletter is gonna be sexy.
Co-worker: I thought we're trying to be more corporate.
VP: I'm the VP of corporate development, and i'm telling you we're sexy!
100 William Street
New York, NY
9AM Where's My Tums...
Co-worker: She said I was giving her an ulcer...But I don't even have ulcers!
1127 Euclid Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
5PM That's a Wrap
Associate #1: Well, you look nice today.
Associate #2: Stop being mean to me!
11755 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: AJ Feuerman
4PM Call for Puddles' Diagnosis
Employee: So Doc, how long before the leg grows back?
Vet: It's not a freakin' starfish!
4448 Hendricks Avenuw
Jacksonville, Florida
3PM Birthday Cake!
Boss: And happy birthday to [Chris]. Today is his birthday
[Chris]: My birthday isn't today, it's in May.
Boss: This [planner] thing is useless.
Employee #2: It's only as good as what you put into it.
111 South Michigan Avenue
Saginaw, Michigan
2PM All Hands Meeting at Downtown Branch
HR: Okay [Jen], here is your six month review. You are doing excellent work, we couldn't be happier, you adapt especially well to change and keep this office running like a tight ship. We have put you in for a substantial raise.
VP: We have come to the decision that we will be closing this office. Everyone's last day of work will be December 31st--
HR: --and here are your severance packages.
238 Bedford Street
Lexington, Massachusetts
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: What are you doing? Catching up on your celebrity gossip?
Employee #2: Scientology today, actually.
Employee #1: I'll join if you join!
Employee #3: Already a member.
Middle Manager: All of you shut up. Trying to have a silent birth over here.
3810 Wabash Drive
Mira Loma, California
Overheard by: Office Derelict
12PM Update Site
Business Services Manager: I just sent you that logo in Word format.
Web Manager: Word isn't really an image format, but I can probably make it work.
Business Services Manager: Well, I probably have it in another format. I think I might have it as a Giraffe.
211 Commerce Street
Nashville, Tennessee
11AM Finalize Campaign
Marketer: There's nothing sexy about turkey.
Writer: No.
Marketer: What about, "Need a way to keep from stuffing yourself? Go have an orgasm!"
8885 Venice Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Review
Worker: Can you review this for me?
Manager: Why are you asking me all the time?
Worker: Because you're my team leader.
Manager: There are no team leaders anymore.
Worker: What? Yes, there are.
Manager: No, there aren't.
Worker: Well, I asked [Jesse] yesterday, and he said he couldn't do it because he wasn't my team leader. Why would he say that if there aren't team leaders anymore?
Manager: Because he didn't want to do your review.
137 Iroquois Avenue
Essex Junction, Vermont
9AM Monday, Monday
Receptionist: Yeah, but if you say that then you're being illogical--
Exec: Ah, that's your problem, you've brought logic into the argument.
Receptionist: Um...
271 Rathdowne Street
Carlton, Victoria
Australia
5PM This Office Stinks; I'm Done
Co-worker #1: Hey, do you remember back in school when every school had the smelly kid? You know, he had no particular reason for smelling and no one could never place it but, nonetheless, he had a bad, stale smell to him?
Co-worker #2: Ha, ha. Yeah, I do. Why?
Co-worker #1: If this office was a school, you'd be the smelly kid and you need to do something about it.
270 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Matty K
4PM Get New Wireless Card
IT #1: Okay, I'll set up one of my extra workstations and get a wireless card for it.
IT #2: Can you get a card easily?
IT #1: Oh sure, they're only about 50 bucks. I can get petty cash.
Manager: So we have to go through you. Why can't [Claude] get it?
IT #2: Because I have to go through too many layers of management and red tape.
Manager: For an old computer and a $50 card?
IT #1: Yeah, this place is like a prison. It's all about who can trade cigarettes for a sharp shiv.
Manager: Or who's around when you drop the soap...
525 Rudder Road
Fenton, Missouri
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker: Where do we sign up for that class? Ass-kissing 101?
'Cause I think I have this negative reaction to it that's holding me back, and I think that a class could really help me break down barriers.
1910 Pacific Avenue
Dallas, Texas
2PM QA
Tester: Dude, did you see this? There's a button in the software that says "Fuck Off."
Designer: So?...That's a feature. Did you press it?
Tester: Yeah...it just went away.
Designer: And did it make you feel better?
Tester: Strangely, yeah. Yeah, it did.
Designer: See?
211 Van Buren Street
Nashville, Indiana
Overheard by: Scott
1PM Lunch
Secretary: Oh wow, these are good.
Attorney: What are you eating?
Secretary: They are meatless meatballs.
Attorney: So essentially, you're just eating balls.
1050 Thomas Jefferson Street NW
Washington, DC
12PM Call Heidi
Lawyer on phone: ...No...No....They can't take your kids away for smokin' pot, that's bullshit...Ha, ha, ha!
500 5th Avenue
New York, NY
11AM Board Meeting
Attorney: An Interested Party is any board member who receives, or whose spouse or descendants receives, financial gain from the corporation.
Board member: So if my son works here, then I'm not an Interested Party.
Attorney: Your son is your descendant.
Board member: Are you sure?
1524 North Santa Fe Avenue
Vista, California
10AM Set Up Booth
Interviewer: So, how long have you been at this address?
Applicant: All day until I heard about this job fair.
450 Clyde Fant Parkway
Shreveport, Louisiana
9AM They're Doing the Voices Already
Manager: How dare you besmirch my good name and then saunter into my office as though nothing was said? Out, out infidel!
Writer: Oh...that's just how I roll.
650 Technology Park
Lake Mary, Florida
5PM Well, Remind Me in the Morning
Exec: Okay, before I forget...um. I already forgot.
460 Park Ave South
New York, NY
Overheard by: J.B.
4PM All Hands Meeting
CEO: We can't shoot our parents until we can afford to move out of the house.
355 Burrard Street
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
3PM Shannon's Goodbye Party
Admin: We're going to miss you around here.
Employee: Well, I'd like to say that I'll miss being around here, but that would be untrue, so I'm not going to say it.
6111 Oak Tree Boulevard
Independence, Ohio
2PM Prepare Deposits
Co-worker #1: It helps me get the deposit ready if you put all the checks in alphabetical order.
Co-worker #2: Okay, not a problem.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, they call me anal because I like it that way.
132 West Central Avenue
Lake Wales, Florida
1PM Head Out for Lunch
Co-worker #1: Why do they only lock the girls' bathroom and not the guys'?
Co-worker #2: So you don't come in and rape us.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, that's true.
475 Park Avenue South
New York, NY
12PM Call My Best Friends: Maintenance
IT: Yeah, seems like your floor plate is damaged, you're going to have to clear your books so they can fix it.
Worker: "Books"? is that like cookies on your computer?
IT: ...
4 Times Square
New York, NY
Overheard by: KaotiXX
11AM Call Security
Customer: Are you a chicken?
Employee: No, I'm a sales associate.
767 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Install New Browsers
Employee #1: You don't like Safari?
Employee #2: No, man, all those popups...
Employee #1: Popups are great. Firefox is douche.
42-22 22nd Street
Long Island City, New York
Overheard by: Aaron
9AM I'm Nauseous Already
Boss: Make sure you wear something nice like that skirt you had on last weekend.
DJ: But what if it's cold outside this weekend?
Boss: Doesn't matter...the Army guys will pull more recruits if you broadcast in something a little revealing. Plus they paid a lot of money for this remote.
1711 Ellis Drive
Valdosta, Georgia
Overheard by: Todd McClure
5PM Flee the Office
Co-worker #1 walks by [Seth].
Co-worker #1: Hi!
Seth: ...
Co-worker #1: Yo, what's the deal with [Seth]? That guy is a straight up tower shooter.
4 Airport Park Boulevard
Latham, New York
Overheard by: Nathan
4PM Sitdown with Accounting
Co-worker #1: Are you dipping in the company ink?
Co-worker #2: Nope, the ink was red.
4221 74 Avenue NW
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
3PM Coffee Break
Engineer: Man, I can't write code today. Someone must have stole my
talent.
Manager: That would be petty theft.
8000 West Sunrise Boulevard
Plantation, Florida
2PM Speak with HR
Co-worker on phone: Hello? I need to talk to the Chinese girl...I don't remember her name..."Sing-song", or something like that.
2300 East Prospect Road
Fort Collins, Colorado
1PM Lunch Happens
Co-worker on phone: That's what happens when there are too many chefs and not enough cooks!
465 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
12PM Order Staplers from OfficeMax
Co-worker: Oh, there's my stapler! I was looking for it.
Boss: Actually it's my stapler. I own this company; everything here is mine. I'm just letting you keep it at your desk.
1718 Villa Avenue
Indianapolis, Indiana
11AM Order Staples from OfficeMax
Help desk #1: The staplers are hopelessly broken this time.
Help desk #2: We spend all our time fixing the staplers. Perhaps hwe should just call ourselves Stapler User Services instead of Computer User Services.
3203 SE Woodstock Boulevard
Portland, Oregon
10AM Strategy Session
Project Engineer: We have relatively clear instructions, kind of.
4170 Santa Fe Road
San Luis Obispo, California
9AM It's One of Those Wednesdays...
VP Software Development: In my opinion you don't have to be good at what you do to be a good manager.
2 East Main Street
Danville, Illinois
5PM That's a Wrap
Home Depot worker: And so he says to me, "Are those metric inches?"
650 North 54th Street
Chandler, Arizona
4PM Sensitivity Seminar
VP: Are you pregnant?
Worker #1: No!
VP: I'm just asking because it seems like you get pregnant every two months.
Worker #2: Hey! You can't ask people if they are pregnant!
VP: I didn't ask her if she was pregnant.
625 Mount Auburn Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
3PM Coffee Break
EA: ...she's still learning to change a diaper and all that.
Suit: Really?
EA: Yeah, but it's been extra hard emotionally because our family is really strict and my dad still can't admit to himself that this happened. All he's said is, "I sent you to private school! Don't they have sex ed there?" and "How could this happen?" Which doesn't help her at all.
Suit: No, probably not.
EA: It's like, "Dad, the baby is already here, get a grip." But, well, she's the baby of the family and I guess we all know how fathers are.
Suit: No, actually, I don't. I never met mine.
40 IDX Drive
South Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: Bubble Wrap THIS
2PM Schedule Beginner MSOffice Classes
Purchasing: Hey, can we print from Word?
Marketing: Ah...What?
2801 Red Lion Road
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM Lunch
Partner: Tell me something. Does anyone around here care about me at all? I mean if I were to drop dead right here and now in the middle of the floor would just leave me lying there or at least push me into a dark corner?
Receptionist: I'm sure I could manage a little bit better than that.
Partner: Well, thank you. At least someone cares.
1218 Webster Street
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Office Slave
12PM Follow Up with Building Maintenance
Employee #1: Why is it so cold in here?
Employee #2: Maybe it's the gigantic hole in the ceiling.
4770 Buford Highway
Atlanta, Georgia
11AM Cold Calling
Telemarketer: My name is [Adam Randor], ma'am...[Adam Randor], ma'am...Ma'am like madam, madamoiselle...No, my name isn't ma'am...No, my name is [Adam Randor], ma'am...[Adam Randor]. Would Senorita work better?
130 West Canal Street
Winooski, Vermont
Overheard by: Kelly G.
10AM Programming Update
Engineer #1: You don't understand...the program's got unresolved
symbols that won't work.
Engineer#2: Yeah, I got 2 unresolved symbols for you right here.
8000 West Sunrise Boulevard
Plantation, Florida
9AM My. Head. Hurts.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Employee: I went out last night and I stayed out too late.
Boss: I am not sure if I should admire your honesty or if I should fire you for not having the courtesy to lie to me.
17 Battery Place
New York, NY
5PM Time for Happy Hour
Co-worker #1: Not only am I supposed to be meeting this hot guy at the bar tonight, but we're celebrating [Darren] passing his bar exam! It's going to be wild.
Co-worker #2: Well, if you're smiling tomorrow morning we'll know how it all went.
Co-worker #1: Hell, if the night goes as expected, I won't even be walking straight tomorrow morning.
1218 Webster Avenue
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Office Slave
4PM Systems Upgrade Pitch
Engineer: It's probably a computer that likes to see abstract choices.
Translated from the Dutch.
10 Wissenstraat
9200 Dendermonde
Belgium
Overheard by: Bart Verhofstadt
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: I don't understand why she had to take her birthday off. I mean, if it's just your birthday and you're not doing anything special, what's the point?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I'd only take the day off if it was my birthday and I had cancer.
147 Columbus Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
2PM Send in Donation
Office Worker: He was like, "I spent a long time filling out these forms, so you bastards had better donate to the combined federal campaign."
2 Massachusetts Avenue NE
Washington, DC
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: You like nice today.
Co-worker #2: No I don't, I look like a big slut! Can't you see my cleavage falling out of this shirt?
Co-worker #1: Oh, I didn't notice.
240 Princeton Avenue
Hamilton, New Jersey
12PM Handle Customer Complaints
CSR: Ma'am, my system is backed up and my computer is going down on me.
300 Rosewood Drive
Danvers, Massachusetts
11AM Handle Employee Complaints
Boss: Why hasn't the mail come in yet?
HR: We have a new postal carrier and she hasn't come in yet.
Boss: Is she nice looking?
HR: Well, she's inconsistent. Sometimes she delivers at 2:30, sometimes it's 1:00.
Boss: What has that got to do with how she looks?
HR: It doesn't. Welcome to HR.
81 Apsley Street
Hudson, Massachusetts
10AM Call an Ambulance
Receptionist: What happened to your light?
Worker: The switch broke off.
Receptionist: Well, how can you work in the dark? Are they going to fix it?
Worker: [Chris] went to shut off the fuse so that he can work on it.
Receptionist: Here, I'll fix it.
Worker: Stop it, you'll electrocute yourself!
11 Broadway
New York, NY
9AM Monday Does Rhyme with Funday
Co-worker: Hey [Trish], can you come here a sec?
Office Manager: Yeah, where are you?
Co-worker: I'm in the closet.
155 6th Avenue
New York, NY
5PM Hell, Take All Weekend
Sales: [Diana] is freaking out. What should I tell her?
Consultant: Just tell her to chill.
Sales: Well, how long should I tell her to chill?
Consultant: Until the next episode.
2135 Rimrock Road
Madison, Wisconsin
4PM Clean Up Reports
Project Manager: We didn't know the old system generated those reports.
CIO: Well, you can't clean out an old warehouse without finding a few rat turds in the corner.
655 Engineering Drive
Norcross, Georgia
3PM At the Water Cooler
Peon #1: Those Jordanians are really teed off.
Peon #2: Is that even a word?
9115 Harris Corners Parkway
Charlotte, North Carolina
Boss: Did you hear about the terrorist attacks in Jordan?
Secretary: Um, yes; a suicide bomber killed hundreds of people at a wedding.
Boss: You see, you shouldn't attend so many weddings. The odds are against you.
10550 North Torrey Pines Road
La Jolla, California
2PM Update Parts Price Catalog
Employee #1: Do you know how much these master cylinder gland nuts cost?
Employee #2: What,we are selling the gland nuts by themselves now? They are usually attached to the master cylinder...
Employee #3: I'd say gland nuts attachd to the master cylinder are priceless.
13601 FM 529
Houston, Texas
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: These new pants are great. I can spill anything on them and it just brushes right off. I wish I knew how they did it.
Co-worker #2: It's nanotechnology.
7 Times Square
New York, NY
12PM Training Seminar
Trainer: Oh, you wanna click there? Well you can't do that click until you're done clicking the other clicks.
Employees: ...
503 Martindale Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
11AM Go Through Inbox
Co-worker #1: Those jokes you emailed were really funny.
Co-worker #2: Yeah they were. Which one was your favorite?
Co-worker #1: Number twelve.
Co-worker #2: Which one was that one?
Co-worker #1: Um, the one right after number eleven, dork.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
10AM Sales Reports Due
Co-worker #1: ...I think you have a future in fertilizer sales, man.
Co-worker #2: I wouldn't be surprised.
20 Park Plaza
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM Yet I Still Wish It Were Sunday...
Support Desk: I wonder why preachers are so hateful? Out of all the customers I've dealt with, preachers are all so mean. They're worse than Canadians
5330 East 31st Street
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: donrae moore
5PM That's Enough for Me
Secretary on phone: I hate fake tans too...not cans...tans. No, tans. T as in taco, A as in anus, N as in next, and S as in swords. I hate fake cans, too.
3818 Maccorkle Avenue SE
Charleston, West Virginia
Overheard by: brittany
4PM Software Upgrade Project...Kill Me Now
Manager: Since most of these are not used, let's go through and upgrade those first, then we'll see what's left.
Programmer: If they're not used, we don't need to upgrade them, right?
Manager: Right, but we need to figure out which ones are used.
Programmer: Can't we figure that out by eliminating the ones that aren't used without upgrading them?
Manager: No, we need to upgrade the obsolete programs first.
580 Walnut Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
3PM Rachel's Birthday Thing
Boss: Those cupcakes are delicious. What a sugar rush!
Intern: I broke out in hives.
Boss: In hives?
Intern: A rash. My skin is very sensitive.
Boss: To sugar?
Intern: Yup.
Boss: That's amazing.
Intern: When I was a kid I got sick and I had to have, like, ten X-rays a day. Literally, five X-rays a day. And I think that messed up my photons.
Boss: Your photons?
Intern: Yeah, that's how X-rays work, you know? They reverse your photons. That's how they get the image.
Boss: Oh.
Intern: That's why my skin is so sensitive, because they messed up the photons. They won't admit it, because they don't want me to sue them. But I know what's up.
10 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: pixelvisions
2PM Follow Up with Sasquatch
Exec: Look, I don't care about the Weekly World News. All I want to know is how this affects the Bigfoot cover!
Star Magazine
1 Park Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Is that pumpkin cream cheese?
Co-worker #2: I think so.
Co-worker #1: You mean you just blindly put that on your bagel?
Co-worker #2: What else would make it orange?
Co-worker #1: ...Um...orange?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, what else is orange but pumpkin?
225 Bush Street
San Francisco, California
12PM Update the [Janet] File
[Janet]: You can drown if you drink too much water.
[Janet]: Summer is my favorite month.
[Janet]: Where is Latin? Isn't that a country?
[Janet]: The funniest thing I heard today, I said it myself. I said, "You mean John White, the black man?"
Co-worker #1: I've heard about some diets that help regulate the acid-base balance in the blood. Is there any validity in those diets?"
Co-worker #2: I think that your kidneys help do that.
[Janet]: My equilibrium does that.
Instructor: Emphysema patients have chronic weight loss.
[Janet]: Is that why you gain weight when you quit cigarettes?
2070 North Rivers Business Center
Charleston, South Carolina
11AM Reboot Registers
Chief of Plant Operations: We need to disconnect and then reconnect the cash registers from the parking booths. This is high priority.
IT: Huh? Why not just leave it connected?
700 State Drive
Los Angeles, California
10AM Call Evan to See If He's Checked In
Hotel Manager: Can we help you, ma'am?
Guest: My husband just got on the elevator without me, I can't believe that little shit/
Hotel Manager: Well, if we track him down we can send him your way.
Guest: If I can't keep track of him after 30 years you won't either.
9 East Wilson Street
Madison, Wisconsin
9AM Came In Early But I'm Staying Late
Manager: ...can you work a couple extra hours? [Nick]'s not coming in again.
Cook #1: Sure. Why ain't he coming in this time?
Manager: He's in the hospital.
Cook #2: Hospital? You can't get crack at a hospital.
Manager: Why does he keep going there, then?
33703 Woodward Avenue
Birmingham, Michigan
5PM That's a Wrap
Worker: Crap. It's Wednesday afternoon and I already have Friday brain.
842 South 2nd Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
4PM Urgent Private Meeting
Employee: Why didn't anyone tell your boss he's wearing two shoes of different colors?
1 Centre Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: radiomaven
3PM Coffee Break
Receptionist: So this guy calls for [Kyle]...I give him the voice mail. I knew the next ring would be him...he calls back. "I'm trying to get ahold of [Kyle] and I keep getting an answer machine."...Gah!...That's what happens when we pay 10K for a phone
system so people get their messages. So then the prick is like, "So is he there or isn't he?" And so I'm like, "Yes sir, I realize
that you keep getting his voicemail. He is with a client, and all
messages go straight to our agents via voicemail." And he's like,
"Well, I don't want to leave a damn message, you tell [him and
his wife] they just lost out on a sale! I guess they're too busy
for me!" So then I'm all kiss-ass and like, "Well, I'm sorry sir, they are both with clients at the moment. We are a busy office. Would you like me to take a message?" And then he tells me, "No, just never mind and it's their loss." I hate stupid people.
Assistant: Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for
anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push
them down a flight of stairs.
M-28 East
Munising, Michigan
2PM Meet with Developers
Developer #1: It's obvious the code will work. You've coded, you can see it will work. You can see it will work, unless you're stupid.
Developer #2: You're not stupid, are you?
501 Marquette Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: fmm
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: How was your lunch?
Co-worker #2: It was okay. We had an old Greek waitress. I didn't care for her too much.
Co-worker #1: Was it the fact that she was old or Greek?
Co-worker #2: It was a combination. Greeks are a weird people.
444 Park Avenue South
New York, NY
12PM Hire New Secretary
Attorney: I have a small problem.
Secretary: Well, you have to work with what God gave you.
8555 United Plaza Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
11AM Call Maintenance...Again
Co-worker #1: It's so dry in here, I can feel the skin on my face drying up from the inside out.
Co-worker #2: Do you use moisturizer?
Co-worker #1: Oh yes, if I didn't my face would look just like my grandpa's...and he's been dead for seven years.
1301 West Chestnut Street
Virginia, Minnesota
10AM Paul Out Through Monday
Co-worker on phone: Oh, man...Yeah, if you have HIV, you should definately stay home...Okay, see ya Monday.
Co-worker #2: So who has the HIV?
Co-worker #1: Oh, [Paul]'s got the flu and strep or something.
2300 West Plano Parkway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Lauren
9AM Darkest Before the Dawn
Boss: We will be taken off the internet. It is slowing down productivity.
5 minutes pass.
Worker #1: ...What will I do all day?
Worker #2: Work.
Worker #1: Ha, ha! Whatever.
3275 Steinway Street
Astoria, New York
5PM I'm Leaving, Too
Boss #1: You're taking off for your wedding; when will you be back?
Co-worker: Two weeks.
Boss #2: Yes, and when she gets back, she'll no longer be a virgin.
609 Reliability Circle
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Arthur Vandelay
4PM Call Repairman--again
Teacher: Fix the photocopier, it's not working.
Secretary: What did you do to it?
Teacher: Nothing, it's just jammed, unjam it.
Secretary: Oh my god, what is that smell...what did you do?
Teacher: Nothing.
Secretary: Did you put transparencies in here? Oh my god, you did! Dude! You can't do that! They'll melt! This is a colour photocopier.
Teacher: I wanted colour transparencies.
Secretary: You are so demoted to mimeograph!
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker #1: How do you put up with that constant gossiping right next to your office?
Co-worker #2: I have a door.
1370 Ontario Street
Cleveland, Ohio
2PM Send Out Another Memo
Co-worker: We work with fucking children. There are boogers all over the bathroom walls again!
6000 Windward Parkway
Alpharetta, Georgia
1PM Working Lunch
Co-worker #1: My diet is going really well. I have hardly eaten
anything today.
Co-Worker #2: Oh really?
Co-Worker #1: Yeah, I have had only three hot dogs and two hamburgers.
860 Levoy Drive
Salt Lake City, Utah
12PM Get Those Scam Salescalls Blocked
Coworker on phone: Why do you need to know what type of printer I have?...Well, I guess I could read the name of the printer to you off of the printer, if you suggest that... Here's the name written right here. It's F then U, C. Are you writing this down? K and then Y. Then finally O, U...Hello, hello?
4175 Central Avenue
Indianapolis, Indiana
11AM Replace Dictionaries
Co-worker #1: I just got tricked into using a pen that shocked me!
Co-worker #2: Oh, no. You okay?
Co-worker #1: Well, shocking throws off your electroids...
Co-worker #2: Electroids? What are those?
Co-worker #1: ...Well, electroid is not in here, but this is an old dictionary.
600 Willowbrook Office Park
Fairport, New York
10AM Chris Back from Vacation
Exec: I was in this fabulous hotel in Banff, in Alberta. And these Japanese businessmen were there too, and you know, the Japanese are so...what's the word? Xenophobic. These Japanese businessmen come walking down the hall, seven abreast, as though everyone should just naturally get out of their way. So I just clipped the guy on the shoulder and spun him around. And he looked at me with this look and I said, "Hey, pal; welcome to America." Actually, it was Canada, but same difference.
2000 Westchester Avenue
Purchase, New York
Overheard by: Emilio Lizardo
9AM It's Going to Be One of Those
Buyer: How you doin'?
Vendor: I'm good! How you doin'?
Buyer: Oh, I'm doin' everybody.
525 Rudder Road
Fenton, Missouri
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: [Justin], can I borrow your finance guide?
Co-worker #2: Um, sure...Wait, it's not here. I did have one, but it's gone.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, I borrowed it.
Co-worker #2: ...
233 Broadway
New York, NY
4PM Work on Report
Office worker: I need to talk to you about this report you mentioned.
Manager: No, we can't talk about this now, not till tomorrow.
Office worker: Yes, but it's due tomorr--
Manager: No, no, no! Now is not the time to talk about it. Tomorrow is.
Office worker: But--
Manager: Tomorrow. Goodbye.
39 Murray Street
Hobart, Tasmania
Australia
3PM Cigarette Break
Nurse: I think I have worked at every hospital around here. If I ever get anything stuck up my ass, I'm going to have to drive, like, 4 hours to find a hospital where nobody knows me.
100 East Carroll Street
Salisbury, Maryland
2PM System is Down; Call IT
IT: Okay, try it now.
The problem solved, it works.
Call Center: Wait, wait, wait. Don't start jerking each other off just yet...We still have to test one other thing.
101 Empty Saddle Trail
Hailey, Idaho
1PM Run Out and Get Prescription Filled
Pharmacist #1: Wow, this chair is really great! Whose chair is this?
Pharmacist #2: It belongs to [Dana]. Isn't it great? He got it for his back or something.
[Dana]: You have no idea how many people I had to sleep with to get that chair!
800 28th Street E
Minneapolis, Minnesota
12PM System is Acting Buggy
Staff: You have a second?
IT: Nope, completely out of stock on those.
200 Front Street W
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
11AM Confirm Hotel for Conference
CSR: Okay sir, that's one, six, A as in apple, T as in ticket, nine, four, S as in snow, zero as in orange, thirteen.
1277 Deming Way
Madison, Wisconsin
10AM Take Care of Jury Duty
Judge: So what does your wife do for a living?
Potential juror: Nothing.
Judge: She does nothing?
Potential juror: Nope.
Judge: Do you have kids?
Potential juror: Yes.
Judge: Yeah, she does "nothing".
265 East 161st Street
Bronx, New York
Overheard by: John
9AM They Sure Said It
Employee: Mondays come way too often.
Supervisor: Yes, once a week.
4708 Lacey Bpulevard SE
Lacey, Washington
Overheard by: Chris Shard
5PM That's My Cue to Leave
IT person: "New Jersey"? New Jersey is a state? I thought it was part of New York.
Grand Pavilion
Cayman Islands
4PM Look Busy!
Underling #1: Man, this sucks, you can always tell when someone's about to get let go.
Underling #2: Yeah?
Underling #1: Well yeah. [The boss] is still here.
Underling #2: How does that--
Underling #1: It's 3:30pm!...Hello? It's Friday!
5790 Fleet Street
Carlsbad, California
Overheard by: Milton Waddams
3PM Finally, Some Downtime
Employee #1 is fixing his hair in the bathroom mirror.
Employee #2: You look handsome today.
The toilet flushes and out comes the firm's president.
President: Do you two want to be alone?
352 Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM Q3 Conference Call
Sony CFO: Next quarter, though, we will also have a--I mean, during this quarter, we will have a difficult comparison for next quarter due to the fact that we had Spider-man 2 last year, which obviously was an outstanding performing film. So that's just something to keep in mind as well.
11 Farnsworth Street
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Did you pass the bar?
Worker #2: Yeah, the salad bar.
Consultant: I don't eat salad.
Worker #2: That's why you passed it.
100 Summer Street
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM Quarterly Review
Co-worker #1: Hey, Tex.
Co-worker #2: Why are you calling me Tex?
Co-worker #1: You are walking funny, like a Texan.
Co-worker #2: Oh yeah, my knees are sore.
Co-worker #1: Is it quarterly review time already?
80 South Street
Hopkinton, Massachusetts
11AM Conversation with HR
Co-worker #1: Did you know Tony in the German office is Oriental?
Co-worker #2: Asian.
Co-worker #1: What about Asians?
Co-worker #2: You don't say "Oriental"...you say "Asian."
Co-worker #1: Oh, that is so PC. Oriental is fine. I had an Oriental friend once and she didn't mind it.
93 Worcester Street
Wellesley, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Scaught
10AM Band Meet & Greet
Musician: Nice of you to join us.
Exec: Well, you were 30 minutes late; I went to take a shit!
Musician: You're entitled to that.
Exec: I washed my hand if you want to shake it.
875 6th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: N & S
9AM Saturday, Please Come Soon
Receptionist: Every time I hear that phone, it's ringing!
3424 Peachtree Road NE
Atlanta, Georgia
5PM I'm Done Working Anything Today
VP: God! They've got you working reception? We must be really scraping the bottom of the barrel.
5203 Leesburg Pike
Falls Church, Virginia
4PM Cigarette Break
Manager: Man, I hate that rep. Only he has the power to permeate every fiber of my being with his earnest, sniveling, annoying little voice. "I'm sorry." "Would you mind?" "Is it a problem?" Grow some balls, freak show!
105 Avenue O
Brooklyn, New York
3PM More Resumes
Finance: There must be something in between "tax accountant" and
"undercover narc."
156 W. 56th Street
New York, NY
2PM Go Through Resumes
Manager: Look at this, this lady put "dictaphone" under skills on their resume.
Worker: What? A dickaphone? Was she a phone sex operator?
1402 Harborside Drive
Galveston, Texas
Overheard by: ladyinthemidst
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: He has a groin pull so he's asking for pain pills .
Worker #2: He told me he hurt his leg.
Consultant: Yeah, my third leg. I'm a tripod.
Worker #1: A tripod wouldn't have hurt himself playing basketball with a 50 or under league.
100 Summer Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Regina C
12PM Meeting (Cont'd)
VP: I don't necessarily want you to improve one thing by 100%, but if you improve 100 things by 1% you will still have made 100% improvement. That's all I ask.
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
11AM "State of the Company" Meeting
General Manager: It's up to every one of you to better yourselves. You can either stay or grow!
1520 Front Street
Yorktown Heights, New York
Overheard by: miss eves dropping
10AM Cultural Sensitivity Workshop
Co-worker #1: Hey, look at this expense report. It says he took $50
cab rides everyday and he has no receipts! He's milking us.
Co-worker #2: Wow! But don't say that to our boss. She's Jewish too.
4301 N. Fairfax Drive
Arlington, Virginia
9AM What Will It Be Today?
Co-worker #1: I was a temp there for 2 years before I realized it wasn't a temp job.
Co-worker #2: ...
352 7th Avenue
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Sales #1: Have you called any previous customers yet?
Sales #2: I've called customers till I'm blue in the ass.
973 Opelika Road
Auburn, Alabama
Overheard by: Rob Byrd
4PM Tea Time
Manager: [Elayne], sloppy seconds?
Co-worker: Sure. It's not what it sounds like. She's asking if I
want the second half of her teabag.
740 Dundas Street East
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Order Books
Receptionist on phone: ...And you sure you don't have the ISBN?...Oh, you do? You're delicious!
1230 6th Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Update Budgets
Head of IT: Can we get those new computers?
CFO: Sorry, it's not in the budget this year.
He walks over to the calendar.
CFO: Hey, isn't this last year's calendar? When are you going to put up the correct one?
IT Drone: Sorry, a new calendar isn't in the budget this year.
75 South Church Street
Pittsfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Joe
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Remember [Joann] at [Segal]?
Co-worker #2: The one that looks like a man?
Co-worker #1: Yep. Well, she's found that sperm donor she's been looking for.
721 Emerson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
12PM Prepare Reports
Co-worker #1: You know that copier sorts on its own...
Co-worker #2: I know, I just like to press buttons.
2990 Mack Road
Fairfield, Ohio
Overheard by: Kimmie
11AM Staff Meeting
Boss: Okay, so, there have been some changes in the past 24 hours. First of all, [Sharon] has left us for another job.
Team: Ding dong the witch is dead, the wicked old witch is dead!
955 Rumble Road
Smarr, Georgia
10AM Check E-mail
Project Manager: I can only imagine what has been coming in my box...My email box.
1137 North 26th Street
Sheboygan, Wisconsion
Overheard by: Chris O'Brien
9AM I Swear They Live Here
CSR: Can you give me your daughter's measurements?
714 NE Hancock Street
Portland, Oregon
5PM That's Enough for Me
Employee #1: It's disgusting. Someone left a big peice of shit floating in the toilet.
Employee #2: Speaking of shit floating, did you hear who got promoted?
425 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Rory Calhoun
4PM Market Research
Co-worker #1: I'm just not sure that the average person will be interested.
Co-worker #2: Hey, I'm interested, and I think I'm pretty average.
Co-worker #1: Yes, I'd have to agree with that.
264 Main Street
Wintersville, Ohio
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: Will someone please tell me what the fuck is wrong with [Josh]? When he gets up in the morning does he have some kind of funhouse mirror? Does he fucking see Tom Cruise when he looks in the mirror in the morning? Because when I look at him I just see an asshole.
Co-worker #2: Why?
Co-worker #1: He is bullshiting everyone and saying he slept with the new CSR.
Co-worker #2: Does it really matter? She don't speak English!
2801 Red Lion Road
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM Database Testing
Worker #1: So how is the database server test going?
Junior Manager: Great! That new machine is going like gang bangers!
Worker #2: He, he..."gang bangers".
Junior Manager: Damn! You know what I meant.
Worker #1: Well...I guess they do work pretty hard.
13571 Commerce Parkway
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Richard Shoehorn
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: We had Burger King breakfast in Mexico and it had refried beans and peppers in the eggs.
Manager: They were probably goat's eggs, not chicken eggs.
9353 Jefferson Highway
Maple Grove, Minnesota
12PM QA
Co-worker #1: "...And so, if you're still working on the website, I just discovered a serious error using a Mac."...Who cares?
Co-worker #2: Seriously, you should write back and say, "Dude, why are you even using a Mac?"
111 West Rio Salado Parkway
Tempe, Arizona
11AM Badge Photo Shoot
Manager: I hate my new badge picture. It makes me look like I have a fat head.
Employee: But you do have a fat head.
Manager: I know that. I just don't want to advertise it to the whole world.
610 Gateway Drive
North Sioux City, South Dakota
10AM Company Reorientation
Vice Principal: Hey there, did you get my email?
Teacher: No, I didn't...
Vice Principal: Wow, and I sent it to both [Ed Hildick]s so you'd be sure to get it.
Teacher: Yeah...but my name is [Jeff].
901 Locust Street
Herndon, Virginia
9AM What a Cheerful Morning
Co-worker #1: Hey! Welcome back. I can't believe you have mono!
Co-worker #2: Yeah, [Tamra] wants to make out with you so she can lose 50 pounds.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Stephani
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