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October 2005 Archives
5PM Halloween Party
Boss: ...and I need a costume. I need to go dressed like a king and then I am going to a concert afterwards. I can go as any old king, Old King Cole, Nat King Cole...that would be great! I just have to have enough time to get the make-up on my face.
444 Park Ave South
New York, NY
4PM Get More Hole Punches for Office
Sales engineer: Hey, you can't use that, that's a sales punch!
Accountant: Care to see a finance punch?
59 Marsh Lane
Solihull, West Midlands
UK
3PM Coffee Break
Banker: You can't leave your coffee cup on the edge of my desk. A client almost drank out of it today.
Secretary: You know you want to lick my rim.
2 South Main Street
Youngstown, Ohio
2PM Install Sprinklers and Asbestos
Office Clerk #1: Have you noticed that there aren't any ceiling sprinklers in this entire building?
Office Clerk #2: Y'know, you're right. But there are smoke detectors.
Office Clerk #1: And those will certainly help put out the flames when we're trapped in our cubicles.
Supervisor: Well...maybe the sprinklers are above the false ceiling.
Employee #1: Oh...so when there is a fire the sprinklers will soak the ceiling tiles which will cause them to fall to the ground and smother the flames?
406 West 34th Street
Kansas City, Missouri
1PM Lunch
Boss: Where did that report go? I have a meeting in less than ten minutes! Where did you put that report?...I just had it! Why do you keep hiding things on me?
Secretary: Look in your briefcase.
Boss: It's not in my briefcase! I just looked in it! Why would it be in my briefcase?
Secretary: Because you just put it in there, dumbass.
Boss: No, I didn't! I would know if it's in my briefcase!
Secretary: You sure?
Boss: Yes! I'm positive! I know it's not...Oh, here it is.
Secretary: And where was it...?
Boss: In my briefcase.
Secretary: Dumbass...go to your meeting and stop bugging me.
Boss: I have to buy you lunch again, don't I?
Secretary: Yep. And don't even think that Burger King is going to cut it this time.
One Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: mshorty
12PM Order 10 More "Gigabytes" (?)
Boss: Do you know where the gigabytes are? I need some more for my computer.
Employee #1: What are you talking about?
Boss: Are they in the closet?
He goes looking in the closet for about five minutes.
Boss: Seriously, do you know where more gigabytes are?
Employee #2: Maybe they're in your pants.
N59W14909 Bobolink Avenue
Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin
Overheard by: LeeAnn Michaud
11AM Process Orders for 10 New Monitors (?)
Computer Technician: Wow, it's amazing what kind of difference a couple of inches can make...Have you seen [Ben]'s?
The other technicians burst out laughing.
Computer Technican: I meant his new 19" monitor. Grow up.
1035 64th Avenue SE
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
10AM Call Tech Support
Co-worker #1: Man the network is moving slow today.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, it's like watching a quadriplegic crawl.
Office: ...
3721 West 65th South
Idaho Falls, Idaho
9AM It's Monday, All Day
Co-worker: God, I'm horny. I shouldn't have worn these tennis shoes.
610 Gateway Drive
North Sioux City, South Dakota
4PM I'm Objectively Done for the Week
Art Director: It's hard to be objective when you only see the universe from your point of view.
250 Redwood Shores Parkway
Redwood City, California
3PM Try Out New Espresso Machine
Office worker: Why does it say "lack of milk"? The whole fridge is full!
Translated from the Swedish.
Arstaangsvagen 21
Stockholm, Sweden
2PM Call About Rewiring
Suit: Um, you have some sort of foreign object in your hair.
Electrician: Yeah, they threw confetti at me at the last office.
111 West Ocean Boulevard
Long Beach, California
1PM Lunch
Secretary: Well, we're going to Jersey for that meeting, so we could go to the Village Gourmet.
Engineer: Yeah, that was good the last time.
Surveyor: Doesn't the guy that owns that one own another one too, right down the street from the Village Gourmet?
Secretary: Yeah, but it's really expensive, everything's a la carte.
Engineer: What does a la carte mean anyway?
Secretary: Dude, you're 26 years old and you don't know what a la fucking carte means?
Surveyor: Aren't you French Canadian, too?
One Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Melissa Miller
12PM Conference Call
Co-worker #1: Do you know how to do a three-way?
Co-worker #2: Huh?
Co-worker #1: Yeah, [Mario] wants me to do a three-way with him and [Tod] to discuss the proposal.
Co-worker #2: You mean a three-way call, then.
Co-worker #1: Yeah.
Co-worker #2: Oh, well, no I don't, but I'm sure [Sarah] can show you.
W134 N8675 Executive Parkway
Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Dude
11AM Schedule Conference Room for Next Week
Worker Bee: How many people do we have signed up so far?
Middle Manager: So far as have 35 RSTDs.
Worker Bee: Hmm, we should really stock up on more antibiotics.
1155 East 60th Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: eazy_e
10AM Staff Meeting
Manager: Literally, I am the entire choir, and you are preaching to me.
530 Means Street
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM Back to "Work"
Office monkey #1: Wow, there's another hot chick walking into the building.
Office monkey #2: I know, how'd we get stuck on the floor with all the uggos?
1555 Wilson Boulevard
Arlington, Virginia
4PM I Declare Today Over
Co-worker #1: Isn't it true that a tick can get into your ear and work its way into your brain?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: I'm worried that a tick or some kind of bug has worked its way into my brain...I've had an awful earache for about two weeks now.
3 Berkshire Boulevard
Bethel, Connecticut
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: We're like The A-Team.
Co-worker #2: I get to be BA Baracus since I'm the only black one.
1634 Broadway
New York, NY
2PM Meditation Conference
Paralegal #1: It's funny when I enter a label for what type of event the attorney is doing, one of them says "Meditation". Who would meditate in the conference room?
Paralegal #2: Are you sure it doesn't say "Mediation"?
Paralegal #1: Oh yeah, I guess that would make more sense in a law firm, huh?
7700 Old Georgetown Road
Bethesda, Maryland
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: So I was at the deli, and I asked for a third of a pound of meat. I asked the lady twice. She then gave me 1.5 pounds of meat. I said, "Excuse me, this isn't a third of a pound." Then she said,
"Yes, it is." Then I said, "No, it's not." So then she turns and asks her co-worker behind the deli counter how much a third of a pound is, and her co-worker replies, "Oh, a third of a pound is .75."...This is why I hate the South.
115 Perimeter Center Place
Atlanta, Georgia
12PM Kevin Requested New Monitor--Follow Up
CSR: I just took a look at the survey and noticed that at the very beginning it says "this survey is design". Shouldn't that say
"designed"?
IT: Probably...I cut and pasted.
CSR: Can it be changed?
IT: No, I etched that survey directly into your screen. To change it we would have to buy you a new monitor.
1 Woodland Hill Drive
Babson Park, Massachusetts
11AM Monitor Calls
CSR: Sir? Sir, are you there?
Customer: Oh, I dozed off! Sorry I do that sometimes.
Later in the call...
CSR: Is that okay, sir?...Sir, are you still there?...Sir? did you fall asleep again? Sir?
Customer: Why would you ask me if I fell asleep?
5767 West Sunrise Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: cubiclejunky
10AM IT Meeting
CIO on speaker: Time out guys, an animal just came into my
office...Cats aren't allowed in my office till after 5.
2 Industrial Park Drive
Williamston, Michigan
9AM Doctor's Appointment
Nurse #1: It's more important that we get rid of the dead things in the clinic.
Nurse #2: The smell's still there?
Nurse #3: Have you tried spraying the air with something?
1230 York Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Molly the Mole
4PM Release Due
QA: That enhancement doesn't work, you need to fix it.
Dev: I guess it won't be in the patch, then.
QA: I didn't spend all that time testing and documenting it, we need to release it.
Dev: I'm not going to fix it now.
QA: You just said it was going to be in the patch, now you are saying it's not going to be fixed in this patch but it is in the patch.
Dev: Your Jedi mind tricks will not work on me.
16388 Westwoods Business Park
Ellisville, Missouri
Overheard by: Marc Brooks
3PM Water Cooler
Woman: See [Jane]. See [Jane] spaz. Spaz, [Jane], spaz.
640 Opperman Drive
Eagan, Minnesota
Overheard by: Cubicle Sam
2PM Don't Check Email
Computer jockey: What is fisting? And what do you think it means when a man is emailing you pictures of naked boys?
25 West 4th Street
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Every time I see you you have Subway.
Co-worker #2: Yup, I get it every day.
Co-worker #1: What are you, Jared?
200 Park Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Go Through Resumes
Colleague: What happened to the woman who used to process requisitions? Her office looks deserted.
Secretary: She's gone.
Colleague: Is she going to be replaced?
Secretary: We don't replace people in this office; we just hire someone new.
1400 John R. Lynch Street
Jackson, Mississippi
11AM Cancel Cameras Order
Boss: You told me that before.
Office worker: How do you know?
Boss: I have a photogenic memory.
2 Walters Lane
Point Pleasant, Pennsylvania
10AM Look Into Hiring Smart Gorillas
Co-worker #1: How do you spell "pseudo"?
Co-worker #2: S-U--
Co-worker #1: That doesn't seem right. Is there an H?
270 Sylvan Avenue
Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey
9AM Anywhere But Here...
Exec #1: ...Yeah, anybody can own a Louis Vuitton nowadays. You know someone really has money when they can control other people's time.
Exec #2: Totally.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, NY
4PM I'm Calling It a Day
New guy: It's so dull here. I'm using all my energy just to stay awake, which is making me sleepy.
10 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY
3PM Coffee Break
Boss: Your brother is Wiccan?
Drone: Yes.
Boss: So he does magic?
Drone: He likes to think so.
Boss: And he's not Christian?
Drone: ...No.
Boss: So he can do whatever he wants? Like kill someone?
Drone: ...No, he still has to abide by the laws of the land.
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
2PM Hang Magazine Rack
Nurse #1: Do you want me to go through your legs?
Nurse #2: I can't believe you don't want to go through my legs to find the lower hole.
Nurse #1: Well, pull out the first one so I can see!
Nurse #2: Is it in?
Nurse #1: I don't know, I can't feel anything!
Nurse #2: I'm gonna pee my pants! I can't believe there's no one here to see this!
2990 Mack Road
Fairfield, Ohio
Overheard by: Kimmie
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Is cheesecake a cake or a pie?
Co-worker #2: Hmm...good question. I think it's pie, 'cause it's got a crust.
5900 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Afshin
12PM Prep for Big Meeting
Secretary #1: It looks nice, don't it?
Secretary #2: Did you just say, "it looks nice, don't it?"...Doesn't it! I'm just trying to get us ready for the bigwigs next week!
Secretary #1: It don't matter, sweetie.
10559 Citation Drive
Brighton, Michigan
Overheard by: Abigail Fisher
11AM Call Maintenance
Employee: Why is the bathroom locked and has a sign saying "Out of Order"? What happened?
Manager: I think something's wrong with it.
Employee: Is anyone in there, I thought I heard someone?
Manager: You never know--but bathrooms are private so you shouldn't knock.
623 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Contact Miami Offices
Senior Manager: [Justine] just asked me if you heard from the Miami system about the problem we had on Friday afternoon.
Manager: No. They were preparing for Wilma to hit them...oh, about now.
1400 Walnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM I Want to Go Home Already
Man #1: I'm redecorating my cube with black velvet paintings.
Man #2: I've got a black velvet prom dress...
333 Corporate Woods Parkway
Vernon Hills, Illinois
4PM Pick Up Kids
Cheerleader: It sucks that Halloween is on a Monday this year.
Football player: Dude. I hate when they do that to me.
19501 Outer Drive
Dearborn, Michigan
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: I really need to do Yoga again.
Co-worker #2: Do you want my Yoga tapes? I don't do it anymore, because my dog just won't leave me alone when I'm down on all fours.
57 East Green Street
Champaign, Illinois
2PM Send Off Tuition Check
Admissions clerk: Can I help you?
Student: I didn't get credit for a class I took this summer.
Admissions clerk: Did you go to class?
Student: Sometimes.
Admissions clerk: Did you pay for the class or do you have a student loan?
Student: No.
120 White Bridge Road
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Susan Fanning
1PM Lunch
Tech: I am a guacamole of knowledge into which you may dip the nacho of need.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Sensitivity Retraining
Co-worker #1: How was the event today?
Co-worker #2: Oh, it was good. The audience was mostly colored, but there were a few white people.
Co-worker #1: ...
444 Park Avenue South
New York, NY
11AM E-mail Helen
Employee #1: Helen, what's your e-mail address?
Employee #2: H-E-H-E-Q-I-N@[overheard].com
Employee #1: So that's H-E-E-E--
Employee #2: No, H-E-H-E.
Employee #1: Okay, like "hee hee"?
Employee #2: Yes. Q-I--
Employee #1: "Hee hee chin chee"?
Employee #2: No.
1088 Yanan West Road
Shanghai, China
Overheard by: Tom Will
10AM Catch Up!
Office worker #1: My goodness, I have so much work that even if I stayed at work 24 hours it still wouldn't even put a dent in my workload.
Office worker #2: Wow, you have that much work?
Office worker #1: No...it's just that I'm always too busy farting around to get any work done.
475 Anton Boulevard
Costa Mesa, California
Overheard by: Remy Rawrs
9AM Why, Monday, Why?
Co-worker #1: I'm really tired this morning.
Co-worker #2: Why don't you try Red Bull?
Co-worker #1: That stuff doesn't work for me.
Co-worker #2: Well, have you ever tried it without the vodka?
2783 Lancashire Road
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
4PM I'm Done with This
Secretary: Oh, I thought that was [Jamie] coming in the elevator. It was you.
Boss: You must have really good ears if you could hear that.
141 South Willow Street
Eagle River, Wisconsin
3PM Coffee Break
Office worker #1: Coffee, coffee, coffee...I love coffee...Here goes down...down in to my belly. Coffee is the greatest drug ever.
Office worker #2: Seriously, especially since you don't get fat because it doesn't give you the munchies...I need to drink more coffee.
Office worker #1: Yeah, you do.
9785 Towne Centre Drive
San Diego, California
2PM Update Legal Schedules
Speakerphone: ...but then they said my trial was rescheduled for December 3rd, and then the other day I got a notice that said it was for December 1st and I just wanted to tell [Leslie] that they're changing it.
Secretary: Um, okay, sorry, but the 3rd of December is a Saturday. Speakerphone: I'm not going to argue with you! I'm just telling you what they said!
Secretary: Um, ok.
3 South Pinckney Street
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: temp drone
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: You smell of fish!
Co-worker #2: I've been at a fishmongers!
Co-worker #1: Oh! I thought it was an urban myth but they actually do sell fish at a fishmongers?
Co-worker #2: ...What?
Commercial Road
Hull, East Yorkshire
UK
Overheard by: Simon Green
12PM Personal Call
The boss is at his desk playing a video game when a co-worker approaches.
Co-worker: Do you mind if I step outside for a moment to make a personal call?
Boss: Can't it wait? We're not paying you to do nothing.
510 South 52nd Street
Tempe, Arizona
11AM Urgent: Call About Credit Bill
CSR: Could you guys not talk while I'm on the phone?...And could you not breathe either?
1650 Bobali Drive
Harrisburg, Pennsyvania
Overheard by: Erin Spohn
Posted 2005-10-21