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September 2005 Archives
4PM It's Almost Here
Messenger: I hope that you and your tits have a nice weekend.
1430 Broadway
New York, NY
3PM Cigarette Break
General Manager: Wait, his ex-wife is white? What color are their children? Beige?
805 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Eric
2PM File Claims
Department Manager: How do we file a claim?
Insurance Rep: Just download a claim form and fax it to us with your bill from the doctor.
Department Manager: Do we have to fax the original bill or can we just fax a copy?
Insurance Rep: Um...yes, it's a fax.
3900 West Avera Drive
Sioux Falls, South Dakota
Overheard by: AllGladHere
12PM Meeting
Director: Like all of my meetings, I don't have an agenda. I like to just let people talk and it usually turns up interesting discussions.
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
11AM Presentation
Manager: Will you guys stop talking during my presentation?
Underling: I wasn't talking, I was asleep...
Abingdon Science Park
Abingdon, Oxfordshire
UK
9AM They're At It Again
Phone drone #1: So this guy's going to call the Better Business Bureau because I suck.
Phone drone #2: You suck?
Phone drone #1: I don't just suck, I suck!
Phone drone #2: You suck what? Don't answer that.
175 South Third Street
Columbus, Ohio
4PM Make Reservations
Officemate #1: I'm going to a scary restaurant tonight.
Officemate #2: Why is it scary? What kind of food do they serve?
Officemate #1: Grown-up food...I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little worried.
1251 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
Overheard by: Rick
3PM Call Bankruptcy Court
Secretary: Line 1 is Donna with the Bank of Sea Court.
212 West First Street
Portales, New Mexico
2PM Schedule Regional Calls
Field manager: So Utah is what, 2 hours behind us?
VP Research: No, they're more like 25 years behind us.
85 E Street
South Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Brian Brinegar
12PM Follow Up with National (?)
Employee #1: I've talked to National and one group says we should be doing this procedure but another group doesn't want us to do this procedure.
Employee #2: Hmm. You should follow up with National, then.
Employee #3: That's what [Employee #1] has been talking about, her follow-up with National.
Employee #2: Oh. When was the last time you talked to them?
Employee #1: About two or three weeks ago.
Employee #2: Yeah, that's too soon.
10 Almaden Boulevard
San Jose, California
Overheard by: Stealth Nerf
11AM Diversity Seminar
Manager: I hate it when black people make a big deal about being black when they accept awards. It's like the Holocaust; they have to get over it.
4189 Route 9
Freehold, New Jersey
Overheard by: Robert Max Freeman
9AM Pearls of Wisdom, First Thing in the AM
Secretary: I love this new water bottle I got. It holds all the water you need for a full day. The problem is that when I drink out of it, I look like a hamster.
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
4PM Find a Ride Home
Co-worker #1: What happened to [Joel]'s car? The hood is all smashed up all the way up to the windshield.
Co-worker #2: Not sure. Ask [John], he's parked on the second level.
Co-worker #1: Second level? There is no second level.
Co-worker #2: Better tell [John] that.
60 Baylis Road
Melville, New York
3PM Chai Break
New guy #1: Exotic kay? I'm keeping away from that!
New guy #2: What?
New guy #1: Exotic...kay?
New guy #2: Key?
New guy #1: Khi?
New guy #2: Chee?
401 Merritt 7
Norwalk, Connecticut
2PM Order Supplies
Worker #1: We're out of toilet paper.
Worker #2: The supply closet is empty.
Worker #1: I think they're stuffing their vaginal canals with it to smuggle some home.
215 South Country Road
Bellport, New York
12PM Networking Workshop
Boss: Well, apparently he has a girlfriend who may be going through cancer treatments. But you can still be friends with him, it's good to have connections.
Secretary: What? No! I don't need any more friends. She has cancer? God, I can't compete with that, forget it.
321 Walnut Street
Green Cove Springs, Florida
11AM Demographics Analysis
Co-worker #1: "Urban" doesn't mean "black."
Co-worker #2: Yes it does.
9111 East Douglas Avenue
Wichita, Kansas
Overheard by: Nate
9AM It's Beginning
Secretary #1: What's the problem?
Secretary #2: Oh...the gathering darkness.
105 Avenue O
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Danielle Balsamo
4PM Call Accounting
Accountant: I'm sorry, were you talking to me? It's loud inside my head.
1670 Broadway
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: John
2PM Data Management
Co-worker #1: I'm not sure that's right, though. I pulled it out of my database.
Co-worker #2: Is that what you call your ass, sir, a database?
2000 Navy Pentagon
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Salted Fish
12PM Prep for Meeting
Boss: So do you think I should get 3 pies for the meeting since we have 30 people?
Worker Bee #1: Sure, 3 pies should be enough.
Worker Bee #2: I think you need more than 3.
Worker Bee #1: How many do you think we should get?
Worker Bee #2: We need 3.14159 pi.
Boss: Get out of my office. Now.
1010 Second Avenue
San Diego, California
11AM Distribute Atlases
Admin #1: Do you know how to spell Kazakhstan?
Admin #2: I didn't even know it existed.
79 Wellington Street W
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
9AM It Begins
Boss: Remember that time I hit you with chicken? Man, that was awesome. I was just glad it didn't happen your first day, becuase you would have quit or something...I'm still sorry about that, by the way.
Intern: It's okay. I like getting hit with chicken.
16 W. 19th Street
New York, NY
4PM Update Database
Data entry clerk: I can't find this person's name in our records?
Manager: What's the name?
Data entry clerk: Denver Colorado?
115 South 15th Street
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Derek Polynesia
3PM Call Maintenance
Computer guy: I wonder what it is that makes it feel so damn cold in this building sometimes?
Graphics dude: Maybe it's the temperature.
Dyess Air Force Base
Texas
Overheard by: Michael Philippus
2PM Work on Thanksgiving Catalog
Co-worker #1: Is that a boob?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I think it is.
Co-worker #1: There aren't any appropriate pictures of Native Americans!
625 Mount Auburn Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
12PM Clean Out Inbox
Employee #1: Shit!
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: I told you how I had eleven thousand spam messages in my other email address?
Employee #2: No, I didn't knew that.
Employee #1: So I did as [Filippo] said, I grabbed them from within Yahoo! mail, figuring out it would throw the spam away automatically.
Employee #2: Really.
Employee #1: Apparently it doesn't do that for another email account. Shit. Now I screwed my Yahoo! mail too. I can't believe it. I'll have to manually check eleven thousand messages as spam on this precious address. I am going to kill myself.
Employee #2: Wait, you have to read eleven thousand messages? Who send you that?
Translated from the Italian.
Viale Bianca Maria 6
Milan, Italy
11AM Distribute Nameplates
Co-worker #1: Peter? Since when do you go by Peter?
Pete: Well, it was a more formal thing, so we used that.
Co-worker #1: I'm not used to seeing Peter.
Co-worker #2: That's not what we heard.
5450 Frantz Road
Dublin, Ohio
9AM It's Going to Be a Long Week--Again
Tech guy: It will take Zeus and all his pissed off gods going in and throwing all sorts of thunderbolts to straighten this out.
1 Dell Way
Round Rock, Texas
4PM Out of Here!
Woman: It's about time to not come to work for a couple of days.
770 N. Water Street
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Paul
3PM Cigarette Break
Admin: Hey, Simon Wiesenthal died! Who's he?
Suit: Oh, he hunted Nazis or something. Cool!
Admin: Cool that he died?
Suit: Cool that he's in my dead pool!
1600 Broadway
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: C. O'ntracter
2PM Brainstorming Meeting
Co-worker: I just thought of a cool new club idea. There's a big warehouse-sized room with strobelights and trance music, everyone has a bicycle and is naked.
Monson Way
Tunbridge Wells, Kent
UK
12PM Class
Trainer: Now who can receive a "reasonable accommodation"?
Employee: You should get one for your hair!
645 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
11AM Update Data
Co-worker: He's either "dead" or "passed away."
9111 East Douglas Avenue
Wichita, Kansas
Overheard by: Nate
9AM Just One More Day
Guy: At least it's Friday, right?
DMV Girl: I hate you.
300 W. 34th Street
New York, NY
4PM Call Jon, Jesus
Guy #1: Have you spoken with [Jon]?
Guy #2: No, it's like trying to get hold of God.
1000 Great West Road
Brentwood, Middlesex
UK
Overheard by: saffainlondon
3PM Finalize Schedules
Boss: Could you tell me what your holiday vacation is going to be?
Employee: I will be taking 2 weeks off as I am having a problem with my vagina.
5 minutes later: a group email asking everyone to please email their schedule.
1755 Riverside Drive
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
2PM Meeting with Legal
Lawyer: We received the claimant's demand for $300,000 for sexual
harassment. Whether it's a reasonable demand or not...I wish someone would touch me inappropriately so I could sue.
8 Hanover Square
New York, NY
Overheard by: Pinsy
12PM Inventory
Employee: Hey, I have an open hour today. Is there anything you need?
Supervisor #1: Um, yeah. One of the ceiling tiles broke, and they don't make that type anymore, and in order to get an estimate redoing all the ceiling tiles, I need you to go around and count them.
Supervisor #2: Yeah...but in the corners: you know how they aren't full tiles? You need to measure them and figure out what percentage of a full tile it is. You know, so we can get an accurate assessment.
30 minutes go by.
Supervisor #1: Are you seriously counting all of those tiles?
Employee: Yeah, why? Oh, man. Fuck you guys.
11161 Mill Valley Road
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Bronxie
10AM Address Trainees
Manager: These trainees are useless; they're just like fungus, and they itch!
Postal Code 112
Ruwi, Oman
9AM What'll It Be Today?
Co-worker: Ugh! Easter's on a Sunday this year!
6300 West Loop Freeway S
Bellaire, Texas
4PM Finish Layout
Designer: Hey, look, I'm finished with Page 2, now all I need are your lottery numbers.
EA: The numbers aren't in yet...It's going to be another 40 minutes before they come in.
Designer: Well, can't you just forecast what the numbers will be?
200 E. Las Olas Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: W. Texas Mike
2PM Plan Celebration Dinner
Big Wig: Look at that!
He gestures at stapled paper.
Big Wig: I got it in the same hole...I've been trying to get it in the same hole for twenty years!
633 Spirit Drive
Chesterfield, Missouri
1PM Lunch Break
Co-worker #1: I heard that the wood plant is going to take a floating holiday and shut down for opening day of hunting season.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, kind of like IT's unofficial holiday for opening day of Star Wars.
901 44th Street SE
Grand Rapids, Michigan
11AM Layouts
Co-worker #1: Thank you so much [Dan] for getting me all of the ledes that I needed for the articles so last minute.
Co-worker #2: Oh, it's no problem. It was easy, I can show you how to do it.
Co-worker #1: No, I'd rather you do it, thanks.
Co-worker #2: I can easily show you.
Co-worker #1: If there was a fire and you were burning, I'd assume you'd have a cell phone, so I could still call you and you'd still do it for me.
2105 C Street
Vancouver, Washington
9AM Update(?) Schedule
Co-worker #1: Yesterday's meeting that was really tomorrow has been re-scheduled for next Thursday.
Co-worker #2: Excellent.
220 42nd Street
New York, NY
4PM Order Cartridges, Paper
Big Shot: Well, damn, the printer really is low on toner. I'm not gonna strain my eyes to read this junk. Now I have to reprint the whole document. Guess that's my reward for trying to take work home over the weekend!
Peon: So, do you want me to recycle the faded pages?
Big Shot: What? No, just toss it.
3301 Fairfax Drive
Arlington, Virginia
2PM Work on Presentation
Co-worker #1: So will you give the presentation to the new intake?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: Why not?
Co-worker #2: I have made a personal lifestyle choice not to be helpful to anyone in the company.
120 Tonbridge Road
Hildenborough, Kent
UK
1PM Lunch Break
Assistant: How's your day going?
Office worker: I wish I was dead.
Assistant: Good to hear.
3990 Old Town Avenue
San Diego, California
11AM Work on Budgets
Co-worker slams down the phone and says: Okay, it's official, you have to be retarded to work in our accounting office.
187 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Janet
10AM Project Due
Underling: So when did you want this by, yesterday or an hour ago?
219 N. Milwaukee Street
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
9AM Hadn't Even Taken Off My Jacket
Boss: I was asked to suggest some strong people for this open
position in another department, and I think you'd be great for the job, but if you leave me, I'll kill you.
8200 Interstate Highway 10 W
San Antonio, Texas
4PM Pick Up New Laptop
Manager: I'm going to be turning in my old laptop for a new one. I want to get another IBM, one of the ultralight ones.
Techie: We're not leasing IBMs anymore. We're currently leasing HPs and Dells.
Manager: I don't like the HPs and I really want an IBM. How can I get one?
Techie: Well...you would need to provide us with a medical reason and a doctor's note.
10 Almaden Boulevard
San Jose, California
Overheard by: Stealth Nerf
3PM Cigarette Break
Salesman: Well, I worked my way up from a mechanic to a salesman, but I'm still treated like the low man on the scrotum pole.
625 Spring Street
Reading, Pennsylvania
2PM Tell Admin to Order Gingko Biloba
Boss: Maybe I'm suffering from a case of magnesia...uh, uh, you know, like I forget things.
75 Union Avenue
Rutherford, New Jersey
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Let's go.
Co-worker #2: Can I go to the bathroom first?
Co-worker #1: So go! You have to do it with yours, not with mine!
1250 Broadway
New York, NY