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August 2005 Archives
4PM Get More Bins
Marketing Manager: Do we have any more blue bins?
Summer minion: Oh my God, no! Those bins are disappearing like a fat kid on cake.
66 Wellington Street W
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Prepare Speech
Manager: What does the word "nugatory" mean?
Employee: I don't know but it sounds important.
Manager: I'll see if I can slip it into my next talk to staff, they won't know the difference.
North Terrace
Adelaide, South Australia
2PM Check E-mail!!!
Guy: Dude, that's stupid. That attachment went out to like the whole office, you totally can't do that...Yeah, the girl was pretty hot, though.
915 Broadway
New York, NY
1PM Lunch with "Client"
Woman with shoes: But...you're totally drunk.
Woman without shoes: I so want to get fired today.
633 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
12PM See If Jack Came
Man #1: Jack off today?
Man #2: No, not yet.
1 Air Cargo Parkway E
Swanton, Ohio
11AM Get New Budgets
Boss: Do you receive that on paper or Excel spreadsheet?
Employee: I receive it on electronical format.
285 Primrose Lane
Fairfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Sam
10AM Go Pick Up Air Freshener
Producer: Rarely does a day go by where my underwear is less than 10 years old.
11 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: D to the C
9AM I Can't Deal With These People
Employee #1: What shavers do you use?
Employee #2: I use #1 on the face and #2 on my head
Employee #3: You take #1 to the face and #2 on the head?
251 Consumers Road
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
4PM Get Ready to Go Home
Executive: You know it's been a productive day when you smell as bad as I do right now.
6423 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
3PM Coffee Break
Paralegal #1: When there is a hurricane, do you know why they tell you to fill up your bathtubs?
Paralegal #2: I think it's because the water in the bathtub will hold down the floor.
1633 Broadway
New York, NY
Overheard by: No Double Posts
2PM Sign Up for Baseball
Suit #1: So did you get a chance to pull up yesterday's numbers?
Suit #2: Nope...in all honesty I have been walking around holding a baseball all morning.
601 Congress Street
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM Pick Up Facsimiles
Co-worker on phone: I will send it V. I. A. fax.
285 Primrose Lane
Fairfield, Connecticut
12PM Goodbye/Welcome Lunch
Supervisor: Be sure to meet in the large conference room for the intern's goodbye lunch at noon.
Employee: Is [Andrew] leaving?
Supervisor: No, it's for [Brenda], [Andrew]'s been hired full time, so no lunch.
Employee: Well, what about the new employee welcome lunch?
Supervisor: Okay, fine...it's today at noon.
201 Connecticut Avenue NW
Washington, DC
11AM Project Meeting
Project Leader: We are anticipating problems we haven't anticipated before.
4820 150th Avenue NE
Redmond, Washington
10AM Order an iPod
Woman: So you only listen to the Cardigans on your iPod while you work?
Man: Yeah, they make me feel like a 16 year old girl just after a hot shower, fresh and tingly all over.
1111 Fannin Street
Houston, Texas
9AM Back to the Madness
Supervisor: Don't worry, [the new procedure] is not that confusing.
Employee: I'm not confused, I always look like this.
202 C Street
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Emery Ann Harris
4PM Talk to HR
Assistant: I submitted this check request a month ago, can you tell me why it hasn't been paid yet?
Accountant: Oh, you wanted it paid?
40 W. 20th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Faith Black
3PM Cancel Joe's Surprise Party
Receptionist: Joe Barnes, please come to the office, you have a phone call.
Employee: You might have to speak up. And also? If he shows up, I'm leaving.
Receptionist: Why, don't you like him?
Employee: No, it's not that, it's just that he's been dead for two years.
5900 West Chester Road
West Chester, Ohio
2PM Rearrange Cubicle
Co-worker: This thing might fall on my head.
VP: Well, just hope that doesn't happen, then.
Co-worker: It's better than you falling on my head.
VP: No thanks, you aren't my type.
4925 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
1PM Go Out to Lunch
Co-worker: Avoid the bathroom in about an hour, you-know-who just sat down to eat some pea soup.
1 International Plaza
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: courtesy flush
12PM Check for Mail
Secretary: All morning I've been so happy, singing and dancing and now the whole day is ruined. Oh, I could commit carry harry right now!
Monson Way
Tunbridge Wells, Kent
UK
Overheard by: Benjaminov
11AM Call Cable Guy
Co-worker #1: Come on, we need to go.
Co-worker #2: Hold on, my wife just called and asked me to call the
cable guy to cancel his appointment.
Co-worker #1: Why couldn't she call him herself?
Co-worker #2: Dude, she's at work.
408 C Street NE
Washington, DC
10AM Meeting with Client
Senior Director: Well, I hate to tell you this, but we're going to be a week late with your report.
Client on speaker: You fuckin' serious? The fuck you doing over there? Writing this thing in pen? Sanskrit? The fuck, man?
Senior Director: Actually, I'm chipping it away in stone...hey, don't you worry about how I'm writing this fucking report! You'll get it in a week. Who the fuck are you to give me an attitude
Client: Fuck you! Hurry the fuck up! We're paying your ass, so you should be nice to me!
Senior Director: Kiss my ass!...cock eyed fuck! By the way, how is the wife doing?
51 W. 52nd Street
New York, NY
9AM Another Week Begins
Engineer: Don't kill anyone.
Tech Writer: Can I maim them?
Engineer: Yeah. If you maim them you seem like more of a team player.
1550 Buckeye Drive
Milpitas, California
5PM Thank God the Weekend's Finally Here
Co-worker #1: Have you ever been to Greece?
Co-worker #2: Yup.
Co-worker #1: Did you go see ruins of Pantheos?
Co-worker #2: You mean, "the Parthenon?"
Co-worker #1: Yeah, that's it! Aw man, today I've got...what's that called?
Co-worker #2: Stupid?
Co-worker #1: Ha, ha. Very funny. No...oh! Mind dyslexia!
Co-worker #2: As opposed to body dyslexia?
216 W. Jackson Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois
2PM The Things You Can Say on Allgood Road
Drone #1: Are you sticking around for the 4PM meeting?
Drone #2: No, the batteries are dead in my wife's stimulator and I have to do my husbandly duty...
Drone #1: Excuse me?
815 Allgood Road NE
Marietta, Georgia
12PM Ice Cream Eating Geeks Has Its Moments
Boss: You know, there is nothing funnier than geeks eating ice cream.
3175 NW Aloclek Drive
Hillsboro, Oregon
10AM Apply Them Liberally to the Monitor
Worker #1: You know how you have stamps that say "faxed?"
Worker #2: Yeah.
Worker #1: Do you have one that says "E-mailed?"
420 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY
8AM Don't Try This in the Other 49 States
Boss: Where's [Justin]?
Employee: He's up my ass...want to tickle his feet?
800 Livingston Avenue
North Brunswick, New Jersey
6PM You're There for Yourself, Not the PC
Guy #1: eHarmony. Maybe I should try that.
Guy #2: You'd have to know how to log on to a computer first.
190 N. Main Street
Roanoke, Indiana
4PM Better Invest in Some Preparation H
Crew chief on phone: Hello?...No, I can't talk right now, my truck is on fire....Okay, I'll call you back. My truck is on fire....Okay, I'll deal with this tonight. My truck is on fire....Okay my truck is on fire, I can't really talk right now....Okay, my truck is literally on fire beneath me, I'll call you back.
303 Second Street West
Brooks, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Shane Parker
2PM Those Candlemakers Are Really Out of Ideas
Boss: Whoever thought shit and cinnamon smelled good together?
634 126th Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
12PM They're Finally Gonna Cork That Pesky Volcano
Co-worker: Would you like a donut?
Enormous woman: No, thank you.
Co-worker: Why not? Are you on a diet or something?
Enormous woman: Actually, yes, I am on a diet. I am going on vacation to Hawaii at the end of the month and I have only six more pounds to lose until I reach my goal! I want to take a helicopter ride over Kilauea, but the helicopter company charges $100 more if you weigh more than 200 pounds. Hope they don't weigh me on the spot since I am not sure I will be less than 200 pounds unless it's in the morning, after I've had a pee, and I'm nude...Does anyone have any topics they'd like to add to the agenda for today?
Manager: Um...yeah, I do, but give me a minute.
560 McCarthy Boulevard
Milpitas, California
Overheard by: CW Slave
10AM A Stem Cell Smoothie Ought to Do the Trick
Supervisor: Here's the information about Alzheimer's to include in the news release I was telling you about.
Employee #1: I don't know anything about this release.
Supervisor: Oh? Oh no? Then who was I talking to about it?
Employee #2: Hey, it's ironic that you don't remember who you were talking to about the Alzheimer's information.
Supervisor: Oh, ha, ha, ha! Yes!...So, you can just use this information for the release.
Employee #1: Okay, but I still don't know what you're talking about.
Supervisor: Hmm...Hey, isn't it ironic that I don't remember who I was talking to about an Alzheimer's release?
161 Ottawa Avenue NW
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Beth Marie
8AM Their Bedroom Banter is Annoyingly Vapid
Co-worker #1: ...no, the cervix is attached to the uterus, but it's not the uterus, the uterus is different--
Co-worker #2: You guys have the best conversations first thing in the morning.
Co-worker #3: You just missed the bit about the penis.
Co-worker #2: No, I didn't.
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
6PM There's No P in Team
Intern #1: Hey, are you going to the bathroom?
Intern #2: No, do you need me to?
633 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
4PM It's a Mousepad Waiting to Happen
Co-worker: Ideally everything would be perfect.
9630 S. Norwalk Boulevard
Santa Fe Springs, California
Overheard by: Josh Bartel
2PM Chick Becomes VP and Loses All Sense of Decorum
VP: You'll need to sit between [Jake] and I at the next meeting so I don't kick his ass.
Peon: I'll hold him if you'll hit him.
1500 Hampton Street
Columbia, South Carolina
12PM Ah Yes, "The Eddie Murphy Principle"
Office Manager: How do you go out to lunch and come back with a huge cucumber?
Employee: How do men go out at night and come back with hookers?
Office Manager: Huh?
Employee: It's the same basic principle.
110 N. Washington Street
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Joan
9AM "Motherfiler" Somehow Sounds Even Worse
Co-worker: I need to file like a mofo.
11 W. 53 Street
New York, NY
7AM Then You'd Need to Raise Money for Broken Hips
Girl #1: Hey, do you want to do the Ann Landers 5k with me?
Girl #2: Ann Landers has her own 5k?
Girl #1: Yeah, it's to raise money for whatever she died of.
Girl #2: I thought she just died of being old. Wouldn't it be awesome if there was a 5k to raise money to prevent old?
835 N. Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Just So Long as You Don't Throw a Surprise Party
Co-worker: How much are you supposed to give when someone's mom dies? Because all I have is a five.
300 N. Commons Boulevard
Mayfield, Ohio
1PM I Hear They Chain Them to Their Workstations
Co-worker #1: Where's our IT department out of?
Co-worker #2: Woodland Hills, the valley, by LA. Porn capital of the world. They work for us by day, and then by night...
Co-worker #1: Maybe that's why they're so cranky all the time. They don't get any sleep at night.
50 Beale Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Lewis Samuels
11AM Star Jones Isn't Pulling Her Weight (No Pun)
Queen: I tell you what you do. You put her computer inside a Krispy Kreme box, maybe then she'll get some work done.
142 Greene Street
New York, NY
9AM I Knew It I Knew It I Knew It
Systems Engineer: How long will it take for you to implement [the customer]'s changes?
Engineer: About two-three weeks. So four weeks.
Systems Engineer: Good. And how long will it take you to make your changes?
Intern: Well, I already did it, and it took an hour.
Systems Engineer: Okay, I'll tell them five weeks total.
1440 N. Fiesta Boulevard
Gilbert, Arizona
5PM The Conversation is Exactly What It Sounds Like
Customer #1: Thanks for your generosity! I know we forced ourselves onto you.
Customer #2: Yes, it's just that it was so cute, so little, we couldn't resist!
Bossman: Well, it will be here whenever you want it.
9500 Owensmouth Avenue
Chatsworth, California
3PM Those Red Pills Taste Like Cherry!
Woman: What the hell? People disappear like it's the damn Matrix.
32 Old Slip
New York, NY
Overheard by: Kevz
1PM Think of It Less as Creation and More as Intelligent Design
Art Director: We had another "captain literal" sighting in a client
meeting today. People are stupid.
Copywriter: Be less creative. It always works for me.
930 S. Calhoun Street
Fort Wayne, Indiana
11AM The Decision was Unianimous
Manager: I just want to make sure we're all in agreeance.
110 E. Clayton Street
Athens, Georgia
9AM The Caps Look Pretty Jaunty
Paralegal #1: I'm not sure what's going on with the boxes, they kind of keep me in the dark about these things.
Paralegal #2: Yes...they do treat us like mushrooms.
200 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: GJG
5PM On That Arrogant Note, Have a Great 2-Day Hiatus
Boss: You can't send this email out.
Peon: Why not?
Boss: It doesn't make any sense. What's this word here?
Peon: Hiatus.
Boss: That's not even a word.
Peon: It means to take an extended break from work.
Boss: Look, if I don't understand that, how do you expect anyone else to?
111 Pine Street
San Francisco, California
3PM More Telling Words Were Never Spoken
Manager #1: Are we meeting sometime, today?
Manager #2: We already met.
Manager #1: Oh. Did I miss anything important?
Manager #2: Well, you missed the meeting.
19 N. 6th Street
Reading, Pennsylvania
1PM It's How He Got Invited to His Own Wedding Dinner
Boss: Paychecks didn't come again today. I can lend you money if you need it.
Employee: I have a wedding rehearsal dinner for 50 that I need to pay for this Thursday.
Boss: Well if I lend you the money to pay for it then I'm coming. Where is the dinner?
Employee: I'm not telling.
551 W. Cordova Road
Santa Fe, New Mexico
11AM He's Referring to the Co-worker Evals
Co-worker #1: Hey! Stop calling me psycho!
Co-worker #2: Sorry sir, I didn't know you could read my thoughts.
401 NW 4th Street
Evansville, Indiana
9AM Don't Put Him to Sleep Until After the Raise
Employee: Why can't you just install that for me?
Supervisor: Because I'm not going to spend an hour out of my day installing this on your crappy computer only to find out that it still doesn't work and end up spending even more of my precious time trying to fix something that isn't fixable and wind up making my life hell by hearing you bitch about this all the time. Only to make you happy.
Employee: So, is that a no?
Supervisor: You're damn right it is.
Employee: Well, then can I just get a new computer so I won't have this problem?
Supervisor: Fine. Anything to get you off my back.
Employee: Can I get a raise?
Supervisor: Don't push it.
Employee: I think you need to take a nap.
1801 E. 9th Street
Cleveland, Ohio
5PM Sounds More Like A-hole Than U-Haul
Guy: Why'd you just hang up on 'em?
Girl: I don't wanna talk to her. She'll call back.
Guy: Yeah, but you can't just hang up.
Girl: She wanna make a reservation. It's a waste of time, mine and hers.
Guy: I know, but you can't tell them that!
U-Haul
394 4th Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Matthew Healy