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July 2005 Archives
7PM Our Publisher is Male; It's the Editor We're Iffy On
Employee #1: Is [Morgan] a man?
Employee #2: What do you mean?
Employee #1: Is [Morgan] a he or a she?
1559 Brunswick Street
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
4PM Now You've Gone and Spoiled the Ending
Scientist: What are the goals of this management plan?
Project manager: The goal is to come up with a plan to manage the system, but we are not authorized to actually manage anything.
Scientist: So the goal of this meeting is really an excuse for you to draw on the white board and act important?
3301 Gun Club Road
West Palm Beach, Florida
1PM Especially If You Go On the Rides
Colleague: We went on a day trip to Auschwitz but it's not a very happy place.
15-19 Bloomsbury Way
London, England
7AM There's One in Every Office
Accountant: That's what happens when you're a bad-ass biker like me.
Accountant: I tend to favor a multiple chicken chuck: it gives you much more range.
Accountant: My daughter usually has her middle finger up from the time she starts driving 'til the time she's done.
Accountant: I wonder if the "Golf Cart Cop" feels some class inferiority chills when he drives past real cops.
Accountant: It doesn't have a poisoned dart or spider or anything in it, right? Ah, never mind, I've been reading too many Victorian romance novels.
Accountant: It's the most popular room in the building, you can lock the door, turn the lights off and take a nap. They need a La-Z-Boy boy in there. Privacy room.
Accountant: You're really good at giving love to plush animals. I am too, for that matter. They're almost as good as real animals. Less dirty, you know.
Accountant: Bruce Lee was, is, and always will be the top of the world.
Accountant: You're going to knit yourself a scarf? Then you'll look like a "Mos-lom."
Accountant: When you get old, you have to wear lots of cologne to cover up all of the old-people smells.
Accountant: I see Stephanie more as a "super toddler."
Accountant: I'm getting bit in the ass by the dog that I feed.
Accountant: This is about love. Love is about doing what I want. I love to give you the shit that I don't want.
Accountant: When I was little I used to be able to piss like 20 feet! You lose pressure when you get old though.
Accountant: Spatially is spelled just like spatula. Spatulas are good for flipping sausage.
Accountant: Yeah, they opened up my pants like a can of beans.
Accountant: The accounting chicken needs love.
Accountant: I know you listen to Sid Vicious, Eric, but I can't handle that level of excitement. Besides, he's dead. That's what killed him, anyway.
Accountant: I am good-looking enough to be gay.
Accountant: That way all their childbearing duties are finished by the time they're 18 and they can go off and fight the Irish scum.
Accountant: Kim shoots rubberbands with incredible accuracy. She always hits me, I almost never hit her. Although I did this time. Hey, right in the thorax!
Accountant: ...so modern motorcycles are designed so that the seats slope downward. It causes wedgies. So I'm thinking of not wearing panties anymore.
Accountant: The only thing you can do is stick your hand down your pants, but when you pull it out, the glove always stays.
Accountant: I was dressed like a bad-ass. You know, do-rag, sunglasses. I have to intimidate the people around me for my own safety.
Accountant: We had a janitor named Earl. He was a functional alcoholic.
Accountant: My wife and daughter are planning on having me committed so they can spend my inheritance.
Accountant: I wrote a little ditty: "They can't clean your clock when your glock is unlocked."
Accountant: Kadhafi: He was a good-looking guy at one point. Until Reagan blew the shit out of his country...it kind of aged him.
Accountant: Soon I'll control the whole market for rubber bands
Accountant: If I could, I'd wear a dot on my head. I think I'd go for red.
Accountant: You know, children are like dogs.
Accountant: Tell the insurance guy that your husband smokes a lot of dope so you were just checking on it.
Accountant: Blacks can use the N word, Germans can use the K word.
Accountant: Do rubber duckies have something to do with gay people? I stayed at this great hotel in San Francisco once; it was a total sex hotel. They had a Night of Pleasure kit that came with three rubber duckies.
Accountant: If you're hanging out with people from Nigeria, watch out. People from that country will steal your purse. Where do you think all those spam emails come from?
Accountant: If it's due, you must accrue.
Accountant: That's my "inquiring minds want to know" sound. I learned it on the Discovery Channel show When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth.
Accountant: My ass hurts so bad, oh my God.
Accountant: When I smell roadkill, I slow down. It's a rush.
Accountant: No no no, I just took her to the beach, there was no adultery involved. There could have been, but I'm a principled guy.
Accountant: I love this stuff. I put it in the CD changer in my Caddy and park by the lake and turn it way up. It makes me want to drive really fast. Especially the German stuff. It makes me think of murder.
550 Bowie Street
Austin, Texas
1AM Don't Piss Off Jesus. Just Don't Do It.
Customer: Well, maybe I could find something at a lower price that needs fixed up. I do a lot of remodeling work.
Real-estate agent: Sir, if you're a carpenter you won't be able to afford anything in this area.
Customer: I'm a contractor and I have more money than I know what to do with. If I say I'm going to climb into your ass and renovate, that's what I'm going to do.
109 Lafayette Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Dirtpatch
7PM I Suppose It Comes with the Position
Conference call guru: There are a few master brands out there to look to.
Co-worker #1: I'd love to be a masterbrander.
Co-worker #2: Then we could say, "Hey, what's she doing behind the desk?"
Co-worker #3: "Looks like she's masterbranding."
2010 Warsaw Road
Roswell, Georgia
4PM They Mean That They'll Hold It for You, Guy
Co-worker: ...and if you have to go to the bathroom, just buzz me or the office manager. You don't have to hold it.
Temp: Good to know this is a compassionate work environment.
1000 Vermont Avenue, NW
Washington, DC
1PM I Thought the Americans Were the Balmy Ones
Employee: Did you hear, there was another bombing on the subway in London?
Boss: I don't care how balmy it is in London, I wouldn't go over there right now.
217 10th Street
Brandon, Manitoba
Canadia
7AM Hell Hath No Fury Like a Reporter Spurned
Reporter: We can't give Gary an award.
Copy editor: Why not? You know, if it's the best story and he was here during that month...
Reporter: What, we're going to give him a posthumous award?
Copy editor: You know, Gary's not dead.
Reporter: He is to me!
189 W. Main Street
Spartanburg, South Carolina
Overheard by: W. Texas Mike
12AM The Wonders of Turning on Your Monitor
Co-worker #1: I just got a brand new internet!
Co-worker #2: A new internet? Is that possible?
Co-worker #1: Yeah! Looks totally different!
8100 Tyler Boulevard
Mentor, Ohio
Overheard by: Dana
7PM Somehow Stupidity is Never an "Emergency"
Intercom: This is an announcement from the building fire safety department; it is just a test. If you could not hear this message, please contact the fire warden. Thanks for your attention.
1221 6th Avenue
New York, NY
Office manager: Yeah, technically I'm supposed to be the one in charge of organizing everyone to evacuate if there is a fire. But...if this were the real thing, it's every man for himself.
Co-worker: That's horrible.
Office manager: The people I feel worst for are the handicapped. They have to find someone to help them out of the building...and I just don't know who would do that.
3535 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
4PM For One, Being Canadian Never Helps Anything
Employee #1: Dude, every time we have to do heavy lifting you start drinking and then everybody sees you drinking and they want to start drinking. You need to stop drinking before the work is done.
Employee #2: I understand that you don't like me drinking before the work is done, but i dont know what the answer to this problem is.
3553 31 Street NW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
1PM He Seems to Have a Long, Impressive Record
Employee #1: There's a drunk guy outside who wants to know if we're hiring any laborers.
Employee #2: Does he have a valid driver's license?
1201 Yorkship Square
Camden, New Jersey
7AM That's More of a Pliers Job
Worker #1: Your friend came over. She wanted to borrow a screwdriver.
Worker #2: Why, to shut her fucking mouth?
3600 Las Vegas Blvd South
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Frank Grimes
12AM We Don't Have to Be Polite Because We Won
Japanese engineer: So how is Detroit?
American engineer: Well, Detroit is what Chicago would look like if a nuclear bomb blew up there.
Japanese engineer: Nuclear bomb?
American engineer: Yeah, you know, like what a city would look like after you dropped a nuclear bomb on it. Kinda like that.
300 Takatsuka
Hamamatsu, Shizuoka
Japan
7PM That's Not Her Title; She's Just Very Paranoid
VP: It really freaks me out when you look in here and laugh; it makes me think there's something wrong with me.
30 E. 33rd Street
New York, NY
1PM Too Much Speed Makes You Want to Get to Work
Worker: I need to go home, I think I have caffeine poisoning.
Boss: Caffeine poisoning?
Worker: Yeah, I think the coffee made me sick.
Boss: Is it like being on too much speed?
810 Dominican Drive
Nashville, Tennessee
7AM "...here, I filled this pen with blood for you."
Client: I didn't read this contract yet
Lawyer: I didn't read it either. But you can just go ahead and sign it.
200 Park Avenue
New York, New York
12AM Look, Non-English Speakers Are Taking Our Jobs!
Co-worker: And I am not exaggerating, but my dog literally chewed my brush up into 75 million pieces.
6600 Campus Circle Drive E
Irving, Texas
Woman #1: So I went to Filene's Basement last night, and I was--literally--raped, I spent so much money, got a bunch of stuff.
Woman #2: Ooh, what did you get?
24 North Street
Pittsfield, Massachusetts
7PM Which Means You Have to Want to
Assistant: Is this poster going to be mandatory?
Manager: We're going to treat this as being required, but not mandatory.
227 W. Monroe Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Caleb Yarian
1PM Only If It's Casual Friday
Co-worker #1: Hey, do we need to dress up when the Japs show up next week?
Boss: Don't ever refer to them as Japs! That's racist and very offensive. Please refer to them as Japanese instead.
Co-worker #2: Hey, while we're being all culturally sensitive and shit, can I show up to work dressed as a ninja to welcome them to America?
115 Perimeter Center Place, NE
Atlanta, Georgia
7AM He Knows Exactly Which Button to Push, and When
Employee #1: He doesn't do anything, but he makes great presentations.
Employee #2: He gives good slide?
Employee #1: Exactly.
600 Technology Park Drive
Billerica, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Jeff Dietz
12AM Technically, He's for Affirmative Action
Manager: It's just that I don't want any of those old, white computers. The only good ones are black nowadays.
Engineer: That sounds pretty racist...
Manager: Well, I don't care.
41000 Vincenti Court
Novi, Michigan
Overheard by: Stefan Bankowski
7PM Turn Off Those PCs and Go Home, Everyone
Folks in our little cube farm were shutting things down to leave for the weekend, when a loud voice rose from one of the cubes: Just once I wish Microsoft Outlook would wait while I shut down!
1256 Porter Avenue
Bristol, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Michael Leatherbury
1PM He's #1, Obviously
Supervisor #1: I am here to give you a hard time.
Supervisor #2: Take a number.
2 Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
7AM Uh...Congrats?
Guy #1: Is this a picture of your daughter?
Guy #2: Yeah. She's really starting to fill out.
1501 E. Woodfield Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
12AM Nothing's As Snarky As a Gunshot Wound
VP: She was mean! She said, "I guess I'll just have to come up to New York and kill you then."
Assistant: Was she being sarcastic?
VP: I think so.
30 E. 33rd Street
New York, NY
7PM He Draws a Salary, and That's What Matters
Co-worker: For a long time I thought [Eric] was a slacker, but now that he's been sick for three days and my workload is unaffected, I've become totally convinced that he does nothing here.
101 Auto Park Circle
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
1PM And It'll Never Be "The Boss"
Clerk: What is your occupation, ma'am?
Girl: Umm, a co-worker.
1 S. Maple Street
Jamestown, Ohio
7AM So is He Bruce Springsteen or Tony Danza?
Speakerphone: So, we're filling out nametags for next week's meeting. What's Randy's title?
Receptionist: Well, he's The Boss.
Speakerphone: Okay, but what's his title?
Receptionist: "The Boss". He's The Boss.
Speakerphone: All right, he's your boss, but what's his title?
Receptionist: He's "The Boss"!
Speakerphone: Oh, well then...um, okay that's great. Thanks for your help.
35555 Garfield Road
Clinton Township, Michigan
Overheard by: Stephanie Saffold
12AM Their Prices are IN-SANE
Boss: We're changing the name of this business unit to BSE.
Employee: You mean, like, Mad Cow Disease?
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
7PM Then There's the Whole Conversion from Metric
Salesperson: How long does it take to get to London from here?
Purchasing Agent: Well, I'm not sure, but coming back is faster because it's opposite the direction of the rotation of the Earth.
1506 Detweiller Drive
Peoria, Illinois
1PM "I didn't know your brain spoke German!"
Co-worker: You were listening in on me talking to myself and not understanding the conversation!
261 W. 35th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: simon feil
7AM The Perils of the Riddle Industry
Client: It doesn't sound as if the rep really understands the product. Does she need more training?
Account Manager: Oh, she understands the product. She just can't explain it.
6665 N. Macarthur Boulevard
Irving, Texas
12AM Nothing is As Happening As Pleated Pants
Suit: On days other than Fridays, slacks are preferred. If you must wear jeans, black jeans are permitted, because they can look like, uh, a slacks process...is...happening.
490 S. Center Street
Reno, Nevada
Overheard by: Good Guy
7PM Yes, Missing Innuendo is Very Immature
Guy #1: After I'm through with her, she'll be walking bowlegged for a week!
Guy #2: Is she going to be helping you with the construction job?
Guy #1: Do you even know what I'm talking about? Jeez, you gotta grow up!
2121 Ala Wai Boulevard
Honolulu, Hawaii
4PM "Hi, [Libby]!" replied the group in unison that night.
Co-worker: I really wish they served beer in the vending machines...by the way, I'm not really an alcoholic, it's just been one of those days... oh, by the way, you're new, right? My name's [Libby], nice to meet you!
300 South Main Street
Blacksburg, Virginia
1PM Dude, You're Not Getting That Dell!
Customer: Yeah, like I need to get this purchase authorized for school supplies and stuff.
CSR: Yes, sir. Can you tell me the primary cardholder's name?
Customer: Yeah, that would be me. My name is on the card.
CSR: No sir, you are on the account. I need the primary cardholder; is he available?
Customer: No, he is in Florida or Georgia or something. Dude call my Dad, he can tell you all about it.
CSR: I need to ask you some security questions first. Do you know the primary cardholder's date of birth?
Customer: Uh, dude, this really sucks...I can't remember his birthday...Dude that's pretty sad I don't even know my father's birthday.
CSR: OK, sir can you give me the last 4 digits of the social security number on the account for the primary cardholder.
Customer: Dude, are you kidding? I will tell you anything about me that you want to know I just want to get this stuff going, y'know?
CSR: Sir, can you hold?
Customer: Sure.
2 minutes pass.
CSR: OK sir, I have blocked the card. Please inform your father that he will need to give us a call to take the block off the card.
Customer. Dude, this fucking sucks. I have any information you need about me, why can't you call my dad?
CSR: I am not calling your dad sir, please inform him that he will need to give us a call to have the block taken off the card.
Customer: Dude you are really starting to piss me off, dude.
CSR: Sir you can't verify any of the security questions, and I can't approve this transaction.
Customer: ...Dude call my dad! He will give you anything you want to know.
CSR: I am not calling your dad, sir.
Customer: Dude, you have so just lost 4 accounts!
3615 Brotherton Road
Cincinnati, Ohio
6AM It's Cheaper and Healthier Than Starbucks
Model employee: The earlier I wake up, the more crack I smoke on the way to work.
3100 W. Lake Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Samesque
12AM "I'd look it up, but I'm too lazy."
Co-worker #1: So they made me change my password. The old one was really cool. "Sloth," you know, like the animal.
Co-worker #2: There's no such animal as a sloth. I think sloth is supposed to be like a sin or something.
1697 Broadway
New York, NY
7PM Maybe It's Not Bob You Should Be Roasting...
Co-worker #1: We're having an office roast for Bob on Friday, since it's his last day.
Co-worker #2: What do I need to bring?
Co-worker #1: You know, jokes, stories about him, like that.
Co-worker #2: That's it? Who's going to cook the roast?
2155 S. Bascom Avenue
Campbell, California
4PM Why Simon Says is Only Fun in Kindergarten
Supervisor: Go to your computer and pull up the client file you showed me earlier, the one that was wrong. I need to show it to the IT people.
Worker: I can't because I deleted it.
Supervisor: Why did you delete it?
Worker: Because you told me to.
Supervisor: Don't do what I tell you! Do what I say.
Franklin Square
Springfield, Illinois
12PM "Ow! Ow, ow, ow! My brain...!"
Network engineer: Do you have a pen? I need to make a mental note.
305 North Drive
Melbourne, Florida
7AM Is It the Morning After Already?
Employee #1: Oh...I think I peed a little! I have to go check. Be right back.
Employee #2: ...So how did your pee test go?
Employee #1: No, I didn't pee. Maybe it was just discharge.
5409 N. Florida Avenue
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Kristen
12AM Think of His Lungs Like Giant Beakers
Technician: Man, I gotta go grab a smoke. I've been upstairs mixing chemo for hours!
427 Victor Street
Lincolnton, North Carolina
Overheard by: Suzette Truesdell
7PM Don't Worry, You Can Think About It All Weekend
Facilitator: Would you like me to advance to the next slide?
Presenter: No, thank you. I'll catch up in a moment. I just thought myself into a corner.
200 Seaport Boulevard
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM Separating the Boys from the Mens' Room
Guy #1: Why did you only wash one hand?
Guy #2: I only peed on one hand.
Guy #1: You're an idiot.
737 S. 3rd Street
Louisville, Kentucky
6AM We're Not As Stupid As You IT A-holes Think...
IT guy: Do you have a license to install Photoshop?
Employee: You need a license?
IT guy: Yeah.
Employee: It's not that hard to install, you just double click on the icon.
IT guy: You don't understand.
Employee: Yeah I do, I'm just fucking with you. Jokes are funny.
2 W. 2nd Street
Tulsa, Oklahoma
12AM Tell Her It Makes Her Look Skinny
Co-worker #1: Does this skirt unflatter me more badly?
Co-worker #2: I don't even know how to answer that question.
216 Jackson Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois
7PM Plenty of Space in That Hollow Skull
Boss: What about those materials needing to be sent out to our components?
Co-worker: Oh, I threw them in a box and shoved it under my chair. They were taking up too much room on my desk.
5205 Leesburg Pike
Falls Church, Virginia
12PM "Yeah, I heard your e-mail."
Boss: You close that deal yet?
Sales guy: No, but I just got a verbal faxed.
60 Main Street
Waltham, Massachusetts