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June 2005 Archives
7PM She Meant "Even If I Were a Lady"
Female Co-worker: Even if I was a woman, I wouldn't put a Chippendales calender on my desk.
12602 W. Bridger Street
Boise, Idaho
2PM Overheard on the Radio
The creators of this site were just on The Brian Lehrer Show (listen here).
As the producer explained to the host who we were and what we're about, she handed him some printouts of site quotes and ended with: ...and don't say fucktard, obviously.
1 Centre Street
New York, NY
1PM Now Does Everyone Know What a Dramasexual Is?
Jewish Co-worker: Yeah, my Grandpa owns a jewelry store,
Boss: Do you think there's any connection to the fact that a lot of Jews are Jew-elers?
Jewish Co-worker: Uh, no...
Boss: Because if that was the case, they should start calling landscapers...ital-scapers.
Jewish Co-worker: Wow.
32100 Solon Road
Cleveland, Ohio
7AM It's Getting Cold in Here / So Take Off All Your Clothes
Woman #1: It has been freezing in here today!
Woman #2: You know why they keep the AC turned up so high, don't you?
Woman #1: To keep us alert?
Woman #2: No...for the headlights.
Woman #1: Headlights?
1 World Financial Center
New York, NY
12AM Y as in Why Would You Use Neurotransmitter?
CSR: ...Gwendy. G like goat, W, E, N like neurotransmitter...
5409 N. Florida Avenue
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Kristen Brown
7PM It Was Sacked During the War
Peon: Did you know there's a Ballsville, Virginia?
Ops manager: Yeah. It's right in this office.
400 Westfield Road
Charlottesville, Virginia
1PM Oh, It's a Rael Word Alright
Insurance rep: Were any citations issued?
Worker: Just one, for inattention.
Insurance rep: Inattention: that's not a word, is it?
Worker: Sure it is. It means they weren't paying attention.
Insurance rep: Oh, I know what it means, I just don't think it's a word.
3701 S. Lindbergh Boulevard
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Brian Muench
7AM Which Isreally Palestine, Right?
Call center worker #1: How do you spell "real"?
Call center worker #2: Umm...I think it's r-a-e-l.
Call center worker #1: Thanks...Are you sure? That doesn't look quite right.
Call center worker #2: Yeah. Like Is. Is-rael. Isreal. Yeah!
26600 SW Parkway
Wilsonville, Oregon
12AM Someone is in the Wrong Industry
Co-worker: Dude...don't you hate it when like clients are dicks and stuff?
51 W. 52nd Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: J-Mo
7PM It's Not Walking if You're in a Kangaroo's Pouch
Co-worker #1: How many kilometres in a mile?
Co-worker #2: 1.6.
Co-worker #1: Woo hoo! I've walked over a mile!
Co-worker #2: So?
Co-worker #1: Well, I'm wearing my daughter's shoes, and now that I've walked a mile in them she'll never be able to tell me I don't understand her again.
223 George Street
Sydney, Australia
1PM Only If You're A Cosby
Tester: Maybe LA can also help test sound for me.
Co-worker: ...and update my test suites...and knit me sweaters.
Tester: Now that's not exactly company related.
Co-worker: Sweaters are great company.
209 Redwood Shores Parkway
Redwood City, California
7AM Why God Invented Admins
Co-worker: You know, it's pretty hard to kiss your own ass...
1500 E. Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
1AM The New "What's Your Sign?"
PR Girl on cell: Hello, Fast Signs? How fast are your signs?
41 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
7PM Only the Ones With Hearing Aids
Two nursing assistants were feeding old men at the home.
Nursing assistant #1: Wow, you're a really awesome chewer.
Nursing assistant #2: I bet you say that to all the guys.
694 Isaac Prugh Way
Kettering, Ohio
1PM Because to Be French is to Be Lame
Employee #1: So, does [Wheels] do coke? It sure as hell seems like he does.
Employee #2: No man, he's from Montreal.
Employee #1: Oh. Why does that make sense?
101 Autopark Circle
Toronto, Ontario
6AM There Goes the Whole Function of Language
Businesslady: Where the hell is my charger, did I leave it at the office? I thought I put it in, but...Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to talk to myself.
TSA lady: Well, that's OK, Sugar. Sometimes we have to talk to ourselves because we're the only ones who can understand.
Sky Harbor Airport
Phoenix, Arizona
12AM Tell That to Richard Pryor
PR gal: We need a really memorable tag line, like "Stop, Drop and Roll" from the '80s. Whatever happened to that, anyway?
Intern guy: It still works if you're on fire.
41 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
4PM That Bright Light Being the Weekend, Folks!
Co-worker: That's a great idea, get a robot to sell drugs so you don't have to. That way, when the cops bust your robot, you don't get in trouble, just your robot. Just think, there's so many criminal activities you could automate, like robotic prostitutes. Until now I had thought our future was dark and grim, but how I'm seeing a bright light at the end of the tunnel.
115 Perimeter Center Place NE
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM By Definition, I Don't Get Fucked by My Friends
Presenter: People never want to see Loss Prevention until they need them. But we're friendly. Like the police in your town. I mean, don't you think the police in your town are your friends?
The class stared back at him blankly.
10 Mountainview Road
Upper Saddle River, New Jersey
12AM More Salty, What with All That Sweat
Man: Yeah, they bring us all the way over to this new building and the air conditioner doesn't even work. It's June and ninety degrees, and no air conditioner...but it's not like I'm bitter or anything.
735 Brewerton Road
West Point, New York
5PM It's Official: Working at MTV Makes You an MTVidiot
Security guard: No man, the race is called Jew, the religion is called Jewdity.
1515 Broadway
New York, NY
9AM The Budget Code is Obviously DD
Director: We might have to pay for some T&A to get someone to go visit the client.
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
12AM It's Went From Clever to Dated to Forgotten
Boss: You can't handle the truth!
Co-worker: Is that from a movie?
Boss: Yeah. You know: You can't handle the truth!
Co-worker: Mmm, don't know that one.
31 Hillman Avenue
Ewing, New Jersey
Overheard by: Susan Harrison
5PM Hitting F5 at The Washington Post
Boss: How's your work coming along?
Employee: Umm, well 98% of the time I don't do anything but refresh my email...but that's going well.
1150 15th Street
Washington, DC
8AM Don't Anyone Give Her a Touch Pad
IT Consultant Guy: You gotta stop answering the phones all sexy. No one else can concentrate.
2620 Hillsborough Street
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: Office Kitty
12AM Yes, But They Go Left to Right
Drone #1: This is one thing I didn't miss last week.
Drone #2: What? Elevators?
Drone #1: Yeah.
Drone #3: Don't they have them in West Virginia?
175 S. Third Street
Columbus, Ohio
5PM We Present: An Instant Customer Service Classic
Customer: Why are you billing me for this stuff?
CSR: Did you make the purchases on your credit card statement?
Customer: Yes, but I already paid for them. I used my credit card.
CSR: Yes, but now you have to pay your credit card bill.
Customer: That's stupid. Why would I pay for something twice?
4325 17th Avenue S.
Fargo, North Dakota
9AM In a Way, It Wasn't Sarcasm
Woman with bandaged finger: Ever since I cut my finger, it's been so difficult doing stuff...typing, getting dressed, eating...
Woman with missing hand: I can't even imagine.
1515 Broadway
New York, NY
12AM "...and what kind of plastic is it made of?"
Customer: I want to ask you about the solid wood tubing. Is that
hollow?
CSR: The Solid Wood Tubing?
Customer: Yes.
CSR: No, it is solid.
Customer: Oh, I see.
737 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
8AM That "Something" Was Obviously Subliminal Erotica
Marketing manager: I made it up based on logic...or something.
1 Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
12AM You Can Still Have Sex on the Desks
Employee: How does my butt look in these pants?
Boss: What? You can't ask me that.
Employee: Oh...Can I ask you if someone else is my boss?
Boss: No, Brian.
Employee: How about if I'm not working here any more?
Boss: Still no.
Employee: Wow, having a job sure is different from college.
2445 M St NW
Washington, DC
5PM It's Less an Assumption than Universal Law
Underling: I'm really tired of having to assume that everyone else is an idiot and that I should automatically know which questions to ask.
30 E 33rd Street
New York, NY
8AM Cheap or Pushy, You're Still Making It Hard for the Rest of Us
Partner: Fuck that!...Fuck you! I am not cheap! I want what's rightfully my client's!
200 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: GJG
12AM Yeah, But No Competitors Had It Then
Dev: But I have wanted tabbed browsing for seven fucking years!
One Microsoft Way
Redmond, Washington
5PM A Very, Very Prescient Developer
QA Manager: Who hard-coded loss of revenue into our product?
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
8AM Permission to Approach the Bench and Lift That Robe
Court clerk: Next docketed matter, Wood v. City. Anybody have Wood? If you have Wood, bring it up here.
50 West Randolph Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Larry
12AM You Just Shouted It Across the WWW
Worker: Why do professional people talk so loud in an office environment? You know what I love? "Kitty-cats!" shouted down three offices.
175 S. Third Street
Columbus, Ohio
5PM It's 5 O'Clock; Do You Know Where Your Mind Is?
Employee #1: What time zone is Maine in?
Employee #2: It's in our time zone.
Employee #1: OK, so what time is it there right now?
645 Papermill Road
Newark, New Jersey
9AM Still Better Than Bucknell
Co-worker #1: You mean Napoleon Dynamite?
Co-worker #2: No, Napoleon Bonaparte.
Co-worker #1: Was he that explorer guy?
Co-worker #2: No, he was a French general...if you've ever heard the phrase "Napoleon complex" that's where it comes from, because he was a short guy who thought he was the shit...
Co-worker #1: Oh...I've never heard of him.
Co-worker #2: How's that IU education working out for you?
3699 West Lathrop
South Bend, Indiana
12AM You Just Got Word-Served
Project manager: Well, the design document is undergoing revisement.
Tech lead: Excuse me, undergoing what?
Project manager: ...it's being revised right now.
Tech lead: Don't you mean revision?
Project manager: No. That would be like saying that listening to someone's advice is taking their words under advision.
One Charles Park
Cambridge, Massachusetts
12PM He's Paid to Look, Not to Work
A supervisor walks up to the back of a free-standing file cabinet.
Supervisor: How do I open this?
Employee: You go around to the front and open the door.
8 King Road
Rockleigh, New Jersey
6AM Kevin Likes to Get a Grip on Big Issues
VP: You'll have to get a group together and have a good look at his package. Get Kevin involved if possible.
21651 Melrose Avenue
Southfield, Michigan
12AM Conscientiousness Means Attention to Detail
Manager: Marcy, have you seen the trucking report for last month?
Marcy: No.
Manager: What do you mean you haven't seen it? It was on your desk.
Marcy: Well, I think I almost saw it...
1000 River Road
Essex Junction, Vermont
8PM A Sharpie for the None Too Sharp
Suit: Do you have what I call a "sharpie"?
Secretary: ...what you call a sharpie?
Suit: Yes.
Secretary: ...you and no one else?
Suit: It's like a, a felt-tipped pen.
Secretary: Oh, I know what it is.
Suit: Well, most people don't know what it's called.
Secretary: You're kidding, right? It says it right on the pen.
Suit: Well, do you have one?
Secretary: Yes. Yes, I do. I keep it here in what I call my "drawer".
795 Spring Street
San Francisco, California
12PM The Religious Right Have Taken Over the Old Testament, Too
Co-worker #1: Hey, what movie was that from?
Co-worker #2: I don't know. Let's hear it again.
Co-worker #1: No "let's hear it again!" It was a great movie, made in 1959. Something about a Jew. Got falsely accused of attacking a governor.
Co-worker #2: I don't know.
Co-worker #1: It had Jesus or someone in it. Great movie.
Co-worker #2: Ten Commandments?
192 S. Utica Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
6AM I Don't Think Buddha Pondered Much on Office Supplies
Co-worker #1: I hate not having a stapler.
Co-worker #2: But you have a stapler. It's right there.
Co-worker #1: But I don't have a stapler.
Co-worker #2: Are you Zen or something?
Co-worker #1: What do you mean?
Co-worker #2: It's very Zen to have/not have a stapler.
551 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12AM It's the Official CEO Motto
CEO: A man in my position has a high tolerance for other people's pain.
110 E. Clayton Street
Athens, Georgia
4PM That's Why We Have Weekends, Folks
Principal: I don't want the upgrade if it means I have to learn something new. I don't ever want to have to learn anything new.
1123 Broadway
New York, NY
8AM There's No "I" in Team, But There's Two in Idiot
401k advisor: How nice to see you! How's your daughter doing? Is she back in Iran?
Co-worker: What?
401k advisor: Isn't she in Iran? Or...Iraq?
Co-worker: She is in Israel in the army.
401k advisor: Oh, sorry, I get all those "I" places mixed up.
2300 E. Prospect Road
Fort Collins, Colorado
12AM "I've got a bat here too, let me clean it."
General manager: Mr. Food & Beverage Manager, would you like to add anything?
Food & Beverage manager: Yes, I'd like to mention that the volleyballs haven't yet arrived for the animation team. Mr. Purchasing Manager hasn't bought them yet.
Purchasing manager: Let me get the balls for you now, they're right under the table.
Translated from the Arabic.
Le Meridien Makadi Bay Hotel
South Hurghada, Egypt
4PM If You Don't Have Lunch, When Will You Talk Smack?
Older woman: It isn't good for your metabolism to eat too little.
Younger woman: Yeah, I remember when I was a kid and saw those starving African kids on TV. I said, "They aren't fat, look at their bellies!" That's what happens when you don't eat enough, you get bloated.
1500 University Drive
Billings, Montana
Co-worker #1: Do you want to go to lunch?
Co-worker #2: I'm on a diet.
Co-worker #1: But we're going to get ice cream afterward.
800 E. 96th Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
8AM Lycanths Like the Marshmallow Ones
Purchasing manager: We're renegades. We're running with the wolves. We ordered hot chocolate.
1 Railroad Ave
Cooperstown, New York
12AM Earth: Nice Place to Visit
Boss: Well, what can I say? I love my home planet.
1480 64th Street
Emeryville, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
4PM That Doesn't Explain the Current Promiscuity
Woman: If I was in the army and was sent to war, you'd better believe
that I'd get pregnant as fast as I could so they would send me home.
475 Buckhead Avenue
Atlanta, Georgia
8AM Do You Have Any Idea How Many Pies Are in One of Her?
Big fat receptionist: Ooh what is that?
Office worker #1: A caramel mochiatto from Starbucks.
Big fat receptionist: I hope you brought me one!
Office worker #2: Do you have any idea how many calories are in one of those?
200 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Sebastian O'Conner
1AM You Might Even Say, Explosive Anger
Program director: Was he ever a Muslim? Because he carries himself with that same kind of anger.
2739 Cedar Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota