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April 2005 Archives
4PM Progress: Driving in Circles in an Ever Faster Rate
Superior: I'm going to need you to drive me around the block and then drop me back off here.
Underling: But what about this fax?
Superior: The receptionist can do it, this is urgent.
1218 Webster Street
Houston, Texas
8AM Oh, Snapfish!
Middle Manager: Snapfish is right in downtown San Francisco.
Transsexual: Hmm, maybe I should go work for them.
Middle Manager: Oh, you'd love it, they're very diverse...They're all young. They're all under 40.
Transsexual: Oh, maybe I'm too old.
3404 East Harmony Road
Fort Collins, Colorado
12AM Welcome to the '90s
Employee #1: I always thought it was pronounced "fass-mile". What is it?
Employee #2: Facsimile. It's a fax.
Employee #1: Oh, I've never heard it called that before.
50 Oak Court
Danville, California
4PM One Man's Cubicle Cell is Another Man's Throne
Coworker: I am so not type A. No ambition! Woo hoo!
3811 O'Hara Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
8AM Diversity? Never Met Him
Producer: One of the things that came out of the meetings is that they
wanted more diversity.
Consultant: Who?
12 West 27th Street
New York, NY
12AM When 80s Nostalgia Goes Horribly Awry
Coworker: Is that a copy of Ted Nugent's new book?
Boss: It is. He and his wife wrote it. Grill It and Kill It.
Coworker: Is that him on the cover? With his wife?
Boss: Yeah. She's hot, isn't she?
Coworker: She really is. Way to go, Nuge.
Boss: He must have started seeing her when he was in Damn Yankees. What was their song?
Coworker: "Can you take me high enough..."
Boss: Yeah. Those really were the days.
249 West 17th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Will Leitch
4PM A Random (House) Overheard
Woman: ...and the doctor was like, "I've never seen so much wax in one ear before!", and I was like, "Can we just get on with this already? I'm on vacation in Hawaii!".
1745 Broadway
New York, NY
8AM Though I Did Not Look, Still I Could See
Boss on phone: I couldn't find anything wrong with it, they did a great job. I mean, to be honest, I never looked at it, but I'm sure they did a great job. It looks good.
703 McKinney Avenue
Dallas, Texas
12AM Too Bad She Had Her Funny Bone Removed
Casting chick: A lot of people don't get my sense of humor.
Stylist: So change it!
12 West 27th Street
New York, NY
4PM "How do I get this straw out of my nose?!"
Doctor on phone: A drug test? OK, so how much coke did you do? And you wanna know what?
232 East 20th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Robert Spychala
8AM I Believe--and Fear--the Children are the Future
Accounting guy #1: Every big company is tired of printing paychecks.
Accounting guy #2: Tired of spending all that money.
Accounting guy #1: Tired of every 13 year old in the country being able to print those checks.
1600 Cantrell Road
Little Rock, Arkansas
12AM Weather: The Universal Office Conversation
Desktop chick: It's colder now because the sun isn't blowing.
2 Rector Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Larry Flores
4PM Basically, Just Repackaging Dale Carnegie
Girl: I think grad school is slowly sucking away my soul.
Guy: Oh, come on. Like you ever had a soul?
Girl: At least we could probably make a book out of this.
Guy: Indeed. Chicken Soup for the Soulless?
1745 Broadway
New York, NY
8AM At Yale University, To Boot
Boss lady: Wait a second...February....February...
Gay underling: Feb-ROO-ary
Boss lady: It has an R?
Gay underling: Two, in fact.
Boss lady: Great. I work in publishing.
302 Temple Street
New Haven, Connecticut
12AM If Only This Site Had Pictures...
Marketing chick #1: Your pants look much better. I'm glad you got them fixed.
Marketing chick #2: Thanks; nothing beats running around the office in my underwear for half an hour.
512 7th Avenue
New York, NY
4PM Sounds More Like a Job for the Barbers
Boss: If he does that I'm going to go down there and beat the fucking crap out of him. They will have to call the cops just to refrain me.
120 Broadway
New York, NY
Overheard by: Training Sherpa
8AM Pope Cliff XVI
Coworker: Wait...John Ratzenberger?
430 Main Avenue
Norwalk, Connecticut
Maintenance guy: They shoulda had a Puerto Rican pope. Barbecue every weekend!
335 East 45th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Palaverist
12AM There's a Worm Pun in Here Somewhere
Employee: I mean really, should he be sending tequila to brokers?
4100 Newport Place
Newport Beach, California
Overheard by: Damon J Barron
4PM Ask a Hippie to Explain
Editor: I was going to go to that show last night but I got distracted.
Production Assistant: Why?
Editor: It was 4/20, man!
Production Assistant: That's mature.
1515 Broadway
New York, NY
8AM Customer Service Calls with Happy Endings
CSR: No, Courtney is with a customer right now. Can I take a message?...Oh, Courtney just hollered and she's off the customer now.
106 West Grand River Avenue
Howell, Michigan
12AM Overheard HR Violations
Program Manager: Dude! You know that one tech writer, that one chick?
Engineer: Yeah, the older one? She's a nice person.
Program Manager: Yeah, I know. Man, sometimes she gets like this massive camel-toe.
Engineer: Dude, you need whisper those kinds of things.
Program Manager: But man, you could measure it in inches! Oh shit, here she comes.
She walks by. The Program Manager follows her, turns around seconds later and gives the split finger sign.
41311 Vincenti Court
Novi, Michigan
4PM Huey Long, Where Are You Now?
Male admin: Did you get up at 4:30 this morning? I don't think so.
Female admin: Yes, I did.
Male admin: You got up at 4:30?
Female admin: Yes.
Male admin: Why?
Female admin: I had to clean my chandeliers.
512 7th Avenue
New York, NY
8AM That's Why We Made This Page
Analyst: Another full day of work wasted...again.
399 Park Avenue
New York, NY
12AM A Help Desk Instant Classic
Girl: It said my cookies aren't turned on? What am I supposed to do, pour some milk on myself and show them my tits?
234 West 42nd Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Lauren Hopkins
8AM FYI: God Only Uses AIM
Boss: He can't talk to me like I'm his little brother. He needs to act like it's God on the phone.
159 Jackson Road
Berlin, New Jersey
Overheard by: R. Collins
12AM 15% is Customary
Jet-Setting boss: I have to go to fucking Appleton, Wisconsin. Appleton, Wisconsin! What am I going to do there?
Secretary: Well, there's always cow-tipping.
512 7th Avenue
New York, NY
12PM He's Like Green Lantern, Except His Weakness is Literacy
Agent: How do I reset the copier?
Assistant: Press the Reset button.
Agent: Which one is the Reset button?
Assistant: The big yellow one labeled "Reset".
Agent: Oh.
16501 Ventura Boulevard
Encino, California
12AM Behind the Scenes: At the Publishers Conference
Lady Executive: I don't even want to hear from you, Stewart. You know you fucked me on that paper deal. You fucked me hard and you didn't even kiss me.
2233 King Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Next Big Thing
12PM We Only Sell Fabric That Looks Like Meat
Customer: I need fabric.
CSR: OK. What type of fabric do you need?
Customer: I need fabric.
CSR: Um, could you be more specific?
Customer: I need fabric that looks like cloth.
425 West 15th Street
New York, NY
12AM That Isn't Right, Idiot
Guy: I just don't think it's right that they killed [Terry Schiavo]just because she had a disability.
350 5th Avenue
New York, NY
12PM I Left My Undies Down Under
Nurse: Where are your pants [Tobias]?
AlcoHobo: I must have forgotten to put them on before I left the house.
North Terrace
Adelaide, South Australia
12AM Attention to Detail Gets You to the Top
Bank teller: Are you sure you sent the wire?
Branch manager: Yeah. I sent it to Sweden. Or Switzerland. Or some country that starts with an "S".
1281 Fulton Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Bee
12PM I Call Mine "Python"
Boss: What should we call it? Try thinking animal names.
Employee #1: What about "Kumquat"?
Employee #2: A kumquat isn't an animal.
Boss: I like your thinking though.
45 Main Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
12AM I'll Switch to Working the Kidneys, Then
Co-worker #1: I promise everyone around here really likes you.
Co-worker #2: OK, but you really have to stop punching me in the face.
1271 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
12PM Let's Hope It's Downers
Worker: I will bring the estimate in to you once I have taken my medication! Geez!
830 5th Avenue
New York, NY
12AM White Collar Always Means Class
Businessman: I painted her bedroom. She picked this ugly red color.
Businesslady: You know, you could hire someone for like $100 to do
that.
Businessman: It's one little bedroom. It's not like I'm handicapped.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
4PM Technically It's the 2nd Thing
Security lady: The first thing you gotta do, you gotta kill all the witnesses.
150 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Animal
8AM "Tech support; can you help me?"
Techie #1: You know what's better than eating girl scout cookies?
Techie #2: Eating girl scouts?
Techie #1: Um, I was going to say, "eating girl scout cookies with milk".
Techie #2: Yeah, that's pretty good too.
Techie #1: You're a fucking sicko.
1 Wall Street
Madison, Connecticut
Overheard by: ^chi^
12AM Microsoft Outlook Ain't What It Used to Be
Office girl: I know she's somewhere but not here right now.
555 Broadway
New York, NY
12PM Stupid Lines Ain't Just for Sitcoms
Woman on phone: I'm sorry I don't think I copy. Did you say that you copied me on that copy?
1500 Eckington Pl NE
Washington, DC
12AM That's the Only Look I's Got
Worker #1: Yeahs I's got you.
Worker #2: You sure?
Worker #1: Yeahs I's saids I's got you, I's got you.
Worker #2: Then why are you looking at me so stupid like?
1 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
12PM It's Snobby in California
Product Manager #1: It's Spring Break.
Product Manager #2: How come we don't get Spring Break?
Intern #1: Because you're no longer young.
Intern #2: Or pretty.
777 4th Street
Los Angeles, California
12AM Interviewing Porn Stars is Always Complicated
Editor #1: He said he had a big one.
Editor #2: Big what?
Editor #1: Brain!
12 West 27th Street
New York, NY
12PM Power Means Never Having to Be Coherent
Boss: Why didn't you have a cover letter on the copy to the client?
New employee: I didn't know I was supposed to have one. I didn't think to ask if I needed it.
Boss: From now on, if you don't know the question, you should ask it.
1700 66th Street
St. Petersburg, Florida
12AM Man Ordering Take-out
Coworker: Yes, I ordered Italian ice from your menu...Oh, so you don't have any more Italian ice. Hmmm, what else would I like?...Oh, you don't have Italian ice, but you have iced tea?...um, what?
1251 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
5PM A Happy Environment: Us vs. Them
Producer: No! No! They don't get chocolate back there! They're not part of the team!
12 West 27th Street
New York, NY
8AM I Always Xerox in the Buff
Coworker 1: So where should we do it?
Coworker 2: I don't have to take off my clothes, do I?
Coworker 1: You know you're on speakerphone, right?
555 W. 57th Street
New York, NY
4PM Can You Recommend a Good Dealer?
Head of Security: I know several of you have told me I looked familiar. Well, I used to be an undercover narcotics agent...don't worry, I won't name names.
550 Bowie Street
Austin, Texas
8AM Killing Babies for No Reason?
Sales guy: Do you know what the difference between a revolutionist and a terrorist is?
401 N. Tampa Street
Tampa, Florida
12AM It's More Nice When You Take 'Em Off
Businessman: You know, it's so nice when you have nice pants. You want to go out of your way to do things.
512 7th Avenue
New York, NY
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