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March 2005 Archives
4PM Has Someone Alerted 60 Minutes?
Genius: Sometimes the staples are just hanging there, and someone could get hurt.
68 Marginal Way
Portland, Maine
8AM "...and then up, and then down..."
Producer #1: I saw the naked pictures just now.
Producer #2: And?
Producer #1: I think he should take them down.
12 West 27 Street
New York, NY
12AM The Passion of the Supervisor
Boss: I need this like I need a second crucifixion.
512 7th Avenue
New York, NY
4PM Maybe She Was Sensing That She's Smarter Than Her Owner
Canadian woman: Things have been so strange around here lately with all the closed door meetings and whispering. Even my dog was really restless the other night, but I think she was sensing the earthquake and possible tsunami.
4027 Tampa Road
Oldsmar, Florida
8AM "I didn't wake up on time this morning. The Jews again."
Lunching lady #1: It's the fault of the non-Catholics and non-believers that Terri Schiavo didn't wake up Easter morning.
Lunching lady #2: It's so true, you're so right. They just don't believe.
401 Merritt 7
Norwalk, Connecticut
Overheard by: Not a Catholic
4PM That's Really Up to Her
Lady: ...and I told [Jeff] that I had really expected at least six inches last night.
1600 Oakley Park Road
Walled Lake, Michigan
8AM Hangnail? I'll Get the Defibrillator
Employee #1: I've got the sniffles. Do you have any medicine?
Employee #2: Here, take this. It's got Omega-3 fatty acid to prevent heart disease.
41 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
4PM What Separates Secretaries From Admins
Secretary: I didn't know I could write off a hummer on my taxes!
383 Madison Street
New York, NY
8AM The A is for A-hole
Producer: Hey Nick, let's hook this up ASPA.
355 W. 52nd Street
New York, NY
12AM Just Put It In Your Pocket
CSR: So you'd like to rent a 12 foot stepladder?
Customer: Yes...How big is that?
CSR: Well, it's about 12 feet, sir.
Customer: I can strap that on top of a cab, right?
533 Canal Street
New York, NY
4PM Took Some AD&D Books While I Was There Too
IT guy: So my coworker gave you your fixed laptop back?
Finance guy: Yeah. Well, really, I looked into his office and saw it sitting on a desk, and I ducked in and took it. So, you know, same thing.
2000 Spring Road
Oak Brook, Illinois
Overheard by: George L.
8AM How Quickly This Submission Went from Droll to Chilling
Teacher: ...yeah, they outnumber us thirty to one and we're not allowed to carry stun guns.
6307 Orchard Beach Road
Cheboygan, Michigan
1AM That's Not What Chainsaw Al Says
Consultant: So what is this meeting about, anyway?
Boss: Why is everyone so concerned about this meeting?
Consultant: Well, for starters it's 3 hours long--
Boss: Don't worry, we can't fire all of you...
595 Madison Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Trouble
4PM You Might Call It "The Business Motto"
Technician: We don't make mistakes. We may create new opportunities and challenges, but we don't make mistakes.
645 Paper Mill Road
Newark, Delaware
8AM "...or that you sort mail for a living."
Mail clerk #1: I got the new pair of shoes because I don't like what my old ones look like.
Mail clerk #2: Try crack, then you won't care what you look like.
525 West Van Buren Street
Chicago, Illinois
12AM Let Me Guess: HR Dept.?
Girl searching through office freezer: Hey, I love cold pizza...wait a minute, this isn't cold, this is frozen!
3701 S. Lindbergh Boulevard
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Brian Muench
4PM If You Have to Ask, You'll Never Know
Guy #1: What's "RedHat"?
Guy #2: That's Linux.
Guy #1: The operating system?
Guy #2: Yeah, it's just another name for it.
Guy #1: Like "Firefox"?
244 Wood Street
Lexington, Massachusetts
8AM "So long as you don't upload a virus."
Technician: Hi, can I get under your desk for a second to look at your box?
1440 Broadway
New York, NY
12AM Just Die (So We Can Resurrect You) Already
Office Manager: Are the purple ones grape?
Bored Admin: No, they're not
Office Manager: Are they sugar-free?
Bored Admin: Ah, no, they're not.
Office Manager: They look eastery!
111 Huntington Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM Happy World Water Day!
Coworker #1: What's with the Google logo today?
Coworker #2: It's probably supposed to be symbolic of Terry Schiavo dehydrating or something.
1001 W. Cypress Creek Road
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
8AM I Vote We Feed It to the Retards
Boss: Hey, you guys! We're supposed to be a team. I think we should take a vote on the grimy chicken.
550 Bowie Street
Austin, Texas
12AM I Think My Brain Just Froze, Too
Trainer: What does the prefix "ante" mean?
Student: Against
Trainer: No, this is spelled a-n-t-e. It means before.
Student: Yeah, like antefreeze0
Trainer: Huh?
Student: You know, you have to put it in the car before it freezes.
120 Broadway
New York, NY
4PM Because An Assistant Would Understand
Girl associate #1: She has to send everything to do with my client through me! So I emailed her and copied her boss and everyone, basically telling her so.
Girl associate #2: Did it work? What did she say?
Girl associate #1: Yeah, but I didn't even understand what she was talking about and I had way too much to do and so I just told her to take care of it. I so need an assistant.
Girl associate #2: Yeah...
2025 E St, NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Red
8AM Leaving That Market Wide Open for Competitors
Woman: Yeah, I managed to get rid of him by telling him that he needed someone to surgically remove the stick that's up his ass, but that we don't do that here in this office, so...
626 Thayer Road
West Point, New York
12AM I Like My Coffee Like I Like My Men: Stupid
Secretary: Can I offer you gentlemen anything to drink?
Business hick #1: Yes, ma'am, I'd sure love a cup of black coffee.
Business hick #2: Yeah, the same for me, with cream and milk, please.
345 Park Avenue
New York, NY
4PM There's No "Me" in Team...
Man: Either come with me or we'll go together.
140 Canal View
Rochester, New York
8AM We'll Be the Judges of That
Girl: ...did you go to Overheard in the Office? It said, "Helpful Co-worker: Does anyone want anything from Starbucks? Tired Co-worker: Yeah, get me a triple iced mocha with a shot of crack in it."
Guy: That sounds delicious, although I don't think baking soda tastes so good.
Girl: Believe it or not, I've actually tried baking soda--for heartburn. Works great, tastes like ass.
Guy: Are you for real? Think of the wonders crack must do for heartburn, then.
Girl: What heartburn? You don't eat anything while you're on crack!
Guy: By the way, your last comment was Overheard in the Office worthy.
1201 Broadway
New York, NY
12AM But Do They Gnaw Pro Bono?
Guy #1: Those lawyers are like rats, they know they suck but do it anyway.
Guy #2: Rats don't know they suck...
210 Highwoods Blvd.
Raleigh, North Carolina
4PM My Caulk is Primed and Ready
Employee: A customer wants to know if she can have a custom doorhanger.
Manager: She can have her slits and holes wherever she wants them.
5409 N. Florida Avenue
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Julia Westenzweig
8AM Listening Gets in the Way of My Duties
Boss: So how are you doing? Is everything all squared away?
Peon: If by "squared away", you mean multiple projects strewn across my desk in varying degrees of completion, then yes.
Boss: OK, good. Let me know if you need anything.
600 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
12AM They Finally Made a Paris Hilton RPG
Video Game Developer: Why am I naked and corrupted?
24742 SE 28th Place
Seattle, Washington
4PM FYI: Homer Simpson is a Safety Manager
Safety Manager: Uncooked chicken is just...foul!
5409 N. Florida Avenue
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Julia
8AM Remember: Theory and Then Practice
Boss: So when I format the hard drive, it erases the operating system too?
Worker: Yes.
Boss: Oh...
3937 Ivywood Lane
Pueblo, Colorado
12AM "...and by 'Apaches' I mean 'Goy attorneys'."
Lawyer: I'm going to court. Hold down the fort, Ben.
Ben: OK, you got it.
Lawyer: Don't let those Apaches in!
50 East 42nd Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: marco
4PM "You mean this 'phone' device allows me to speak to other places?"
Guy: That person I just talked to was so nice. He sounded so relaxed, and people from New York never sound like that.
Woman: He's in Miami.
228 East 45th Street
New York, NY
8AM "...and don't expect a gift."
Coworker on phone: Are you getting married?...Well, I heard you was gettin' married...'Cause if you're getting married, I need to know about it and I don't want you to be my life insurance beneficiary anymore! I just want someone to feed my goddamn cats if something happens to me!
100 East Broad Street
Columbus, Ohio
12AM It's Not Charity If You Don't Mock the Recipient
Suit: When are you going to wear that neon green shirt?
Businesswoman: Oh, that shirt. He said he didn't like it, so I looked at it and I thought, "You know what? He's right!" It was hideous! So I went right away to that flea market place? The thrift store. Now someone else can wear it. Probably some homeless lady! Ha, ha, ha!
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
4PM IT Girls: Always Uploading the Sarcasm
Suit: Excuse me, can you help me pick out a docking station?
IT Girl: Isn't that a personal decision?
1700 N. Beauregard Street
Alexandria, Virginia
8AM That's More of a Lamb's Name
Super-rich boss's wife: So you know how we always call my husband God?
Employees at luncheon: [Puzzled silence]
Super-rich boss's wife: Seriously, you know how we call him God?
Employees at luncheon: [Silence]
Super-rich boss's wife: Well, I bought him a horse! And we're going to call it Jesus! Isn't that hilarious?
2725 Henry Street
Augusta, Georgia
12AM Not Even If It Ends Up Here?
NYU Professor: Being a visiting professor has its good points: I don't give a shit what I say!
19 University Place
New York, NY
12PM "Fortunately, I managed to rightsize the baby in time."
Supervisor: Trust me. I'll take care of it.
Employee: The last time I heard that line I ended up pregnant.
631 Dickinson Avenue
Greenville, North Carolina
7AM "...I mean, rightsize us."
Candidate: At my last job, our supervisors drilled it into us that we had to document everything we designed.
Interviewer: And what was the purpose of documenting your designs?
Candidate: They were getting ready to fire us.
47 Mall Drive
Commack, New York
12PM Unions: Your Guarantee of Quality
A maintenance guy hangs up a picture and tells his assistant: That should stay up till it falls down.
3301 Gun Club Road
West Palm Beach, Florida
12AM The Headlines Are Already Written
Cubicle farmer: Did you know that George Bush is a genius?
55 East 52nd Street
New York, NY
HQ division head: Nothing is too good for down range, therefore down range shall get nothing.
U.S. Forces "Diplomatic Training"
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia
12PM On the Count of Three, Quote Rankin-Bass
Config Manager Guy: It's like the island of misfit toys over there.
DBA: I don't want to be in support, I want to be a dentist.
2202 N. Westshore Boulevard
Tampa, Florida
7AM "Just kill the dissidents and get me my carpet!"
Rep: The King of Nepal has declared martial law and has cut off all
communication, so I cannot check the status of that rug order...
41 East 57th Street
New York, NY
12PM Insert Disk Into Drive
Guy with monitor: You need anything else moved into your office?
Other guy: No, but you're my IT bitch so I'll call you when I need something.
525 W. Van Buren Street
Chicago, Illinois
12AM The Elevator: Center of the Building Ecosystem
A guy on the 2nd floor gets on an elevator for a 6 floor building.
All the buttons are lit.
Girl: I didn't mean to do that. It just sorta happened...which floor are you going to?
Guy: Fortunately the fourth.
Girl: Oh. I would've felt bad if you had said the sixth.
Guy: Then I should've said the sixth floor.
They both got off on the fourth floor.
82 Wall Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Monica Lewis
12PM Confirmed: Boston is Heck
Worker #1: If we work here much longer, we are going to die and go straight to hell.
Worker #2: Oh, yeah? Check the address on your business card...where did you think you've been working?
Worker #1: Oh! Well, that explains the lack of promotion, compensation, benefits, office politics and your dead-man's tan!
Worker #2: Close, but the "tan" is from the fluorescent lights.
Worker #1: Hell is as hell does.
800 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
1AM The Market Value Stinks
Utilities engineer: I have gas, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
618 E. South St.
Orlando, Florida
12PM The Weather: The Ultimate in Banal Officespeak
Coworker #1: Weather said 50% chance of rain.
Coworker #2: Psh! Yeah, right!
Coworker #3: But...it did rain.
Coworker #2: Yeah, a little. Like maybe fifty raindrops, but sure as hell no fifty percent.
9482 Ajax Road
McGregor Range, New Mexico
12AM Go Back to Newfoundland!
Receptionist: Yeah, it's really confusing this year. All of the days of the week in March are the same as those in February.
9920 108 Street
Edmonton, Canadia
12PM Actually that's our job, and we overheard you all the way in NYC.
Boss: It's my job to eavesdrop on people. That's why I like to talk really loud, so that when it's quiet people think I'm not here.
Schofield Barracks
Hawaii
7AM "It's not. I cut hair in the dark."
Producer: How important is it to have the mirror when you cut my hair?
12 W. 27th St
New York, NY
12PM Phases of Arrogance, Idiocy and Ignorance
Coworker: Those people in the Tsunami, they deserved to die. They were being greedy, collecting fish from the sea...they should have known there are three phases of a Tsunami.
60 Livingston Avenue
St. Paul, Minnesota
12AM Thank God They Didn't Give Her Health Benefits
Career woman: Last year I couldn't even spell consultant, and now I is one.
Two Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Michelle Sydney Levy
12PM Aloha Exhaustion, Aloha Productivity!
Helpful Co-worker: Does anyone want anything from Starbucks?
Tired Co-worker: Yeah, get me a triple iced mocha with a shot of crack
in it.
827 Fort Street
Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: Jade Shiroma
10AM "No, it's not a triple leap year."
Guy: What was yesterday? Was it the 31st of February?
12 W. 27th Street
New York, NY