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February 2005 Archives
12PM Making an Idiot Feel Stupid: Priceless
Coworker #1: I paid $700 for it back in the mid-seventies.
Coworker #2: Wow...what was $700 worth back then?
Coworker #1: $700.
1932 Wynnton Road
Columbus, Georgia
12AM Lemme Guess: CFO?
Coworker: Somebody's getting arrested today, and it isn't going to be me!
1218 Webster St.,
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Stacy Lewis
12PM "How can I make your member look like Senor Wences?"
I picked up a call that was on hold and the LA talent agent that was on the other end was muttering "with your dentures and your eyeliner, you dirty old bitch".
41 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Neal
12AM Paging Donald Trump
A bagel left unattended in a microwave sets off the fire alarms. The microwave, charred and smoking, is carried outside and is placed on the sidewalk.
Fireman: Is this the object that started the fire?
Office Worker: No. When we take a break, it takes a break.
626 Thayer Road
West Point, New York
12PM The Sun Never Sets on the High-pitched
Smartypants: I don't know why your voice has to go up five octaves in order for it to be British.
US Capitol Building
Washington, DC
12AM Actually It's Not Much of a City Either
Co-Worker #1: Do you know the generic country code of London?
Co-Worker #2: Umm, London is a city, not a country.
Co-Worker #1: Oh OK, was not aware.
440 9th Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Unique (adj.): Unlike Anyone or Anything Else
Sales guy: We're going to go around the room and name unique things about [the company]. If you can't think of one when it's your turn, you have to sit down. The last person standing wins a gift card to Starbucks.
Drone #1: Trustworthy.
Drone #2: Resilient.
Drone #3: Global services.
Drone #4: Inspiring.
Drone #5: Focused.
Drone #6: Capabilities.
Drone #7: Multicultural.
Drone #8: People care.
Drone #9: Adaptability.
Drone #1: Secure.
Drone #2: Employer of choice.
Drone #3: Financial viability.
Drone #4: Responsive.
Drone #5: Integrity.
Drone #6: Straightforward.
Drone #7: Ambitious.
Drone #8: Expertise.
Drone #9: Innovative.
Drone #1: Reliable.
etc...
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12AM Not For Damn Sure You Isn't
Coworker: I'm not gonna be no teacher.
1225 Warren Street
St. Louis, Missouri
12PM God Save the Queen's English
US suit: ...a dedicated router.
UK suit #1: I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's actually "roo-ter".
US suit: A rooter is a swine. If you're going to be in America, speak English.
UK suit #2: Two hundred years, and they still haven't gotten it yet!
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12AM Does It Come With a Buzz?
Building Engineer: A freon leak won't kill you. It'll just asphyxiate you a little.
2100 Second Street, SW
Washington, DC
12PM It's a Monthly Measurement
Sales guy: ...and then five years later, I'm into benchmarking.
Legal: That's funny, when you said "Benchmarking" I heard "Bitchmarking"...sorry, ladies.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12AM Love Day, One Week Later
Employee #1: I wonder who put these chocolates on my desk.
Employee #2: I put my money on the easter bunny.
Employee #1: Yeah, the easter bunny...at this point in my life I'll even take farm animals into consideration.
360 Hiatt Drive
Palm Beach Gardens, Florida
12PM I Know a Guy in NC Who Could Un-shit the Situation
Manager: Aw, did you bleed on my computer?
Tech: No, but a bird shit on it.
50 Vision Blvd
East Providence, Rhode Island
12AM Let Me Get My Un-lube
Co-worker: If you could un-fuck this situation, I'd appreciate it.
120 Morehead Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM I Take the Short Bus and Work in the Short Cubicle
Coworker #1: Hey. Hey! Laura, c'mere, I need your help.
Laura: What?
Coworker #3 (passing by): What are you guys doing?
Laura: Unzipping her. She gets stuck in her coat, like, twice a day, and I keep having to get her out of it.
1800 Connecticut Ave, NW
Washington, DC
12AM Sharks, Snakes, and Legal Eagles Mostly
Worker #1 answers the phone: Hello?...No, this is a law firm. A law firm!
Worker #2: Who did they want?
Worker #1: The SPCA.
Worker #2: Heh.
Worker #1: Although there are a lot of animals working here.
120 West 45th Street
New York, NY
12PM I'm Still Confused
Suit #1: So it's a formalization of a process management control?
Suit #2: Well, I wouldn't say "control" but yes.
200 Hudson Street
New York, NY
12AM I Think I'm Confused, Myself
Salesman: Who do you think you are, Linda Ellerbee?
Business Manager: No, Kurt Vonnegut.
2 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Roy Edelsack
12PM The Open Door Policy: Solutions at our Discretion
Project Manager: Hey, can I ask you a quick question?
Chief of office: Well I hope you don't want an answer!
Project Manager: Do you mean now or, um, ever?
Chief of office: Ever!
830 5th Avenue
New York, NY
12AM Etiquette: The Understood Key to Working Together
Male Co-worker: Are my ears bleeding?
Female Co-worker: I didn't know I was that loud. I'm sorry. I had the volume down.
Male Co-worker: It's just your voice, you're loud. I have excellent hearing. Put it this way, I can hear a snake piss on cotton.
5 Times Square
New York, NY
Overheard by: Tamika J.
12PM The Tech Guy: So Bright, and So Bitter
Office guy: Hey [Scott]! My laptop screen is off.
Tech: It helps if you push this button.
As the tech walks past my desk I hear him saying: Great, another fucking genius!
440 Wheelers Farm Road
Milford, Connecticut
7AM He's the Elf Who Powers Your Magic Phone
Law office secretary: ...and who the hell is this MOTO person anyway?
2345 Grand Boulevard
Kansas City, Missouri
12PM Diversity: Understanding One Another's Backgrounds
African American Female: So, [Becky], where are you from?
Native African Female: Uganda.
African American Female: Oh, I thought you were from Africa!
7500 Greenway Center Drive
Greenbelt, Maryland
7AM Excellence: A Commitment to Constant Improvement
Tech Lead: Our requirements are in terms of bells and whistles at this point, not actual business functionality.
1370 Timberlake Manor Parkway
Chesterfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Jonathan Willis
12PM The Zen of Lunch in the Office
Businesslady: Are there places to order in?
Networking Guy: I've got a whole book of places to order in from.
Businesslady: How long does it take?
Networking Guy: How long is a piece of string?
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12AM Lunch: One of the Three Most Important Meals of the Afternoon
American Coworker: Lets do Chinese!
Native Chinese Coworker: I know good p[l]ace!
American Coworker: Real Chinese food from real Chinese cooks?
Native Chinese Coworker: No, cooks all Puerto Rican.
11804 Cherry Grove Drive
Gaithersburg, Maryland
12PM Someone Had to Tell the CEO
Woman across the hall: You're going to jail. You're going to jail. You're going to jail. You're going to jail. You're going to jail.
3811 O'Hara Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
12AM That's Where He Goes to Do Number 1/2
One guy steps up to the tall urinal, while the other man, a little person, steps up to the short urinal. The tall guy looks over and
comments: I guess they installed that urinal especially for you to use.
6821 Montevideo Sq. Ct.
Falls Church, Virginia
Overheard by: Ron Rammelkamp
1PM Innovation: Slightly Changing a Successful Idea
Coworker #1: I think I'm going to start The Arkansas Bachelor.
Coworker #2: Oh yeah? Women will be tripping all over themselves trying to get away from that.
Coworker #1: It'll be better than just The Bachelor. Forget roses, I'd say, "Would you accept this Busch Light, Maggie Lou?".
3685 Country Club
Fort Smith, Arkansas
8AM Strategy: Articulating the Vision for Everyone
VP: Everyone in this organization knows that we have our shit together. And I know some of you may be thinking, "Jesus Christ, what the fuck is going on?", but we've all been there and we're fine.
321 Commonwealth Road
Wayland, Massachusetts
12PM There's Your Cue! Fling Feces At Him
Elderly Boss: I need you to plug in this lamp for me.
Employee: Are you asking me to crawl [under your desk]?
Elderly Boss: You're the only one who can. You're my monkey.
703 McKinney Avenue
Dallas, Texas
12AM My Father's Father is a Lesbian
Two maintenance guys arrive to vacuum a cubicle after part of the ceiling fell.
Maintenance guy, 40s: See, he's what you'd call a male chauvinist pig. He thinks vacuuming is something that a woman should do. Now, I don't look like no woman.
Maintenance guy, 20s: No, but you look like a dyke.
Maintenance guy, 40s: I look like a dyke?
Maintenance guy, 20s: Easy, Grandpa, easy!
Maintenance guy, 40s: Oh, I'm Grandpa now?
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Dumb Ain't No Four Letter Word (Or Am It?)
Coworker #1: I would read books. Yhey bore me. Too many words in them,
really.
Coworker #2: Interesting.
440 9th ave
New York, NY
12AM Strategy: Never Losing Sight of Your Goals
Project Manager: Wegman's was voted the #1 company to work for in America.
Sales VP: Really?
Project Manager: Yeah. Do you know what their slogan is? "Employees first, customers second."
Engineer: Well, we've been putting customers second for years!
Sales VP: Actually it's customers second, employees third, and we don't know what the first is.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Marketing: Speaking Your Customers' Language
White guy: ...it's just off the hook indeed.
120 Morehead Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12AM Attention HR Department: Go Get Your Guns
Boss: So I hear you had a record streak of sleeping with 16 straight women on the first date.
Worker: Yes.
Boss: So what did you do to #17 who broke the streak?
Worker: I slapped her.
Boss: Wow.
450 7th Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Anti-semitism at Work (Pun!)
Counselor #1: Why is it that we didn't get a snow day today? For Christ's sake there's only five kids here!
Counselor #2: Because this place is a conspiracy, like the one in Hollywood.
2375 E. 23rd Street
Brooklyn, New York
12AM There's No "U" in Team Either
Coworker #1: My palms are sweaty. What do you think that means?
Coworker #2: It means you're annoyed.
Coworker #1: Really?
Coworker #2: No, I guess I was just projecting.
330 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Leadership Means Boosting Your Subordinates
CEO: [Frank] and [James] go way back. And when they start on a bid, [Frank] doesn't shave. He grows a moustache, and when we get the deal the moustache comes off. So when I see it start coming back, I want it off. Either way, he's still the ugliest bastard we have on the team.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12AM Someone Make This Into a Bumper Sticker
Employee #1: There's a double standard around here.
Employee #2: What do you mean?
Employee #1: We all compete at an Olympic level while she competes in the Special Olympics and gets paid more.
3301 Gun Club Road
West Palm Beach, Florida
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