8AM "Dictator for Life" Was Taken

Operator: Am I turning the conference over to you?
CEO: Yes.
Operator: And what title would you like to be associated with your name?
CEO: Supreme Commander.
Engineer: She thinks he's kidding.
Operator: So what title would you really like?
CEO: Supreme Commander.

350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY

12AM Oh, What a Tangled Website We Weave

Law Firm Partner: How do you log on to our website?
Secretary: We don't have a website.
Law Firm Partner: Can make one up real quick? There's a girl who's trying to sell us a website and I told her we already have one.

329 18th Street
Rock Island, Illinois

4PM Seem Like There's a Lot You Don't Know

Engineer #1: Congratulations, I heard you got married this week.
Engineer #2: Thanks, man. It was one of the best days of my life.
Engineer #1: Aren't you African though? I didn't know African people got married.

6575 The Corners Pkwy
Norcross, Georgia

8AM There's One--or Seven--in Every Office

There is this guy a few cubicles over from me. I do not know what he does, but he is always on the phone. I've actually started keeping a spreadsheet of some of the things I've overheard him say. Some of the best: You can ask yourself that question all day long, but I'm not going to waste any more of my time helping you figure it out.

You don't have to think for me, I will do the thinking for you.

You work in IT and I work in marketing, so don't tell me!

Give me your thirty second soapbox spiel and when you are done maybe we can get down to business and get this figured out.

1411 Kingsbury Drive
Portage, Michigan

12AM Maybe A Drug Supplier Would Help

Senior Partner: How come my computer's not working?
Techie: It seems your hard drive crashed.
Senior Partner: That's not possible; I don't visit porn sites or any drug suppliers.

527 E. 78th Street
New York, NY

4PM "No, but I know that you're full of shit!"

A memo went out stating the upstairs bathrooms will be shut down for one week to redo the walls, sinks and plumbing. An executive tries to barge in anyway.

Union guy: You can't go in there.
Executive: Don't you know who I am?

450 W. 33rd Street
New York, NY

8AM ...He gave His only Son, Mr. Peanut... (Retardicus 7:12)

Operations Manager: You don't like peanut butter? You've just blasphemed in my office!

10 Universal City Plaza
Universal City, California


Overheard by: Timbleweed

12AM If You Fire Them You're Not Their Boss, By Definition

In respose to several of our wholesale customers reporting strong on-line sales in December; Boss: We do all the work and they make all the money? We have a website too and it's time we started reminding these people of that! We need to be making a hell of a lot more money areound here than we are now. Time to start firing a few of these so-called "Top Customers". That'll fucking show 'em who's boss!

800 Boylston Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts

4PM I Had An...uh...Lobotomy, Redux

In a meeting: Providers only terminate their contracts for one of two reasons: Pay or Other.

At a bar with a friend: You know, I was diagnosed as a genius as a child and I think that is why I don't get along with her; I don't get along with other geniuses. That is why I think you and I are such good friends.

In response to an email: Ya know, I have tracking on this, and as usual, I am completely embarrassed.

[Bonus: found in coworker's personal ad: Things that turn me on: Thunderstorms]

522 SW 5th
Portland, Oregon


Overheard by: Breanna Freeman

8AM I Had An...uh...Lobotomy

These are all from the same coworker.

Overheard on phone: I am going to need you to help me because this is not information that is readily available in my...uh...brain.

In a meeting while it was snowing outside: This reminds me of growing up in New York...I mean...Vermont.

Another meeting: The last thing we want to do is provide an immediate response to an immediate question.

522 SW 5th
Portland, Oregon


Overheard by: Breanna Freeman

12AM And How Are the Rents in Your Town?

Senior Manager: They're paying him $70,000 a year. What is he going to do? Live in a shack in the Bronx?

1345 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY

4PM That's Just What Every Office Needs

Girl DJ: That's just what this office needs: more video gambling!

2514 S. College Street
Auburn, Alabama


Overheard by: Brooke Myers

8AM If Karen Only Knew

Coworker: If anyone's looking for me, I'm going to go to the men's room and give it to Karen.

(Over the sounds of laughter, I saw him holding a document he was going to drop off his way to the bathroom.)

4 Washington Avenue Ext.
Albany, NY


Overheard by: Patrick George

12AM One Man's Prison Cubicle is Another Man's Castle

HR person: Here's your office. There are some shelves on order and they should be in next week, so you'll have to do with the desk and credenza.
New employee: But I thought I was getting a cubicle.

1701 1st Avenue
Rock Island, Illinois


Overheard by: Holly Sparkman

4PM "...and use an envelope if you'd like to make a deposit."

Session Leader: I'll leave this badge on the desk. If you need to use the facilities, just take it with you and swipe the reader on the bathroom door.
Participant #1: You need to swipe from the bottom up, right?
Participant #2: Not if you're a girl!

One Chase Plaza
New York, NY

8AM "Good question! Let's call and find out...hold on, I'm getting a call."

Bossman: I think I'm going to switch my cell phone company. It looks like I can save some money with AT&T. I just want to make sure I can keep my number.
Co-worker: What if someone using AT&T already has the same number?

4156 Freedom Way
Weirton, West Virginia

12AM "Please forgive me; I'm demilingual."

JP Morgan Office Manager: Do he know he have a meeting? Her said he have a meeting.

38 W. 75th Street
New York, NY

4PM Somehow Two Cliches Gave Birth to a Viable Metaphor

Suit: We are going to have to leverage everything in order to shift gears.
Employee: What?

615 Third Avenue
New York, NY


Overheard by: Dwight Scott

8AM "Somewhere by the ocean, I think."

Girl: This whole thing is such a tragedy.
Guy: I know, I actually have some old friends there that survived, luckily.
Girl: Where is Tsunami, anyways?

21 Spectrum Pointe
Lake Forest, California


Overheard by: Brandon Walter

12AM Over-hurt in the Office

Receptionist: Doc, there is no code for abnormal ejaculation. I looked under Abnormal & under Ejaculation. Nuthin'.
Doctor: Gimme the book.
Receptionist: What's his problem? Minute man?
Doctor: Check under "retrograde".
Receptionist: What does that mean? Too fast?
Doctor: Broken. He doesn't ejaculate at all. Can't.

838 Pelhamdale Ave
New Rochelle, NY


Overheard by: Lucky

4PM As Long As It Goes In Right

Guy #1: Can I look down your pile? The pile under your desk?
Guy #2: Uh...
Guy #1: Wow, that came out wrong.

120 Morehead Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

8AM Father of the Year

Investment Banker (on phone): What? Are you sure? I really don't think you are in labor and I have plans...What that means is that I really want to recruit this guy and I am going to continue having drinks with him. Call me in two hours...No, I am not going to meet you at the hospital. These things take forever...I'll be there when it's Go time, not until then.

9 West 57th Street
New York, NY

12AM "Oh, and we're dropping quality, too."

VP Engineering: Printing has been dropped as a feature, but at least we're not sacrificing quality to meet the schedule.

2279 Vista Del Mar
San Mateo, California

4PM Welcome to Our Company: Our Values are Now Yours

HR Guru: The only person you can change is yourself--
Infidel: I keep trying that, but she's still being a bitch!

2025 E St, NW
Washington, DC


Overheard by: Bendystraw

8AM The Effects of Pretentious Job Titles on IQ

Trend Consultant: We wanted our department memo to be With Funding, We Can Do Anything, but we couldn't afford that.

20 River Terrace
New York, NY

12AM Tales from the Car Dealership

Manager: Tell him we can sell it to him for 15,500.
Sales Rep: But we own it for, like, 21,600!
Manager: I know! But he ain't gonna buy it anyway!
Sales Rep: But what if he says "I'll take it!"? Then what?
Manager: Then you're fucked!
Sales Rep: Why am I fucked?
Manager: Cause you're the one telling him it's 15-fucking-5!

3243 Paxton Street
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania


Overheard by: Doug Pintarch

12PM If You Mention a Gadget, It's Not Vulgarity

Fattie: I swear to Christ, I'm gonna shove that Blackberry up your ass if you bring it to another sales meeting.

1100 Nicollet Mall
Minneapolis, Minnesota


Overheard by: Steven Grafing

6AM Masturbation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

Expert Publicist #1: You know what,ya did a shitty job of selling that to the client.
Expert Publicist #2: What're ya talking about?
Expert Publicist #1: You know, what ya gotta do, ya gotta sell it, ya gotta masturbate his brain.
Expert Publicist #2: What?
Expert Publicist #1: Well if you don't wanna do it, I'll masturbate him!

11 Stone Street
New York, NY

12AM Anywhere in the World, IT Stands for A-Hole

IT Guy: The last 15-20 minutes of my life have been wasted because you are a moron.

2100 Mckinney Ave.
Dallas, Texas

6PM Brevity is the Soul of Wit

Texan suit: I'm looking for that Can Do attitude, not Can't Do.
British suit: Fuck off.

350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY

1PM Isn't the Tour de France...oh, wait.

Guy #1: God, I'm so tired. I feel like I just ran the Tour de France.
Guy #2: Yeah, I'd love to see you get hit by a bunch of bikes.

737 Main St.
Buffalo, New York


Overheard by: chris b

6AM Business Means Asking the Right Questions

Law Firm Girl: Who gives a shit about work; do you subscribe to Good Housekeeping?

100 Maiden Lane
New York, NY

12AM Finally, Someone Explained TP to Me!

Customer: So where in the instruction manual does it tell me to save the receipt?
Customer Service Rep.: You're kidding me, right? You mean to say that you have to be told to save your receipt?
Customer: Yes, I do.
Customer Service Rep.: So, if you were to go out and buy a roll of toilet paper, it would have to say "Tear here, wipe there" or else you wouldn't know how to use it? Because both are pretty much common sense, sir.

835 41st Street
Des Moines, Iowa


Overheard by: christiana (while doing remote observations on customer service calls)

10PM Then How About a Calzone?

Woman on phone: It's like asking a rocket scientist to make a pizza--I just can't do it!

707 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California


Overheard by: Ilya

4PM Yet She Assumes He Understands Her Question...

The food delivery guy waits outside the office to be let in. A woman comes to the door.

Woman: Who is this food for?

He hands the slip to the woman.

Woman: No! "RING" is what you're supposed to do when you get here; that's not the name of the person. How long have you been standing there?

470 Park Avenue
New York, NY


Overheard by: Sarah Federman

10AM Dude! You're Getting Mocked On Our Site!

Manager: We need to be less stupider on how we do...things...We need to work on our synergy, ensure we're interlocking with our process improvements...You need to have a sense of urgency, a relaxed urgency where you don't hurry anyone else but you.

1 Dell Way
Round Rock, Texas


Overheard by: Anonymous Tech

4AM Readers: Don't Bother to Answer This Overheard Question

Law Firm Guy: What's a tsunami?

100 Maiden Lane
New York, NY

9PM "Listening to you?"

Floor supervisor: To begin, I understand some of you have complaints. First, can anyone tell me exactly what it is we are asking you to do that we are not paying you to do?

20 Alexander Drive
Wallingford, Connecticut


Overheard by: Jody Ruskouski

4PM "By 'worked out', I meant 'snorted Twinkies'."

Sales guy: When I was in Princeton [NJ], I worked out every day and I still gained 7 pounds.
Engineer: I gained seven pounds and I didn't work out at all.
Sales guy: That's why you're an engineer!

350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY

11AM "Oh, so she is that qualified!"

Office Manager: You hired her, but you haven't interviewed anyone else. Is she that qualified?
Suit: Actually no, she doesn't have any experience working as an engineer.
Office Manager: Then why not interview some other people and see if you find someone better?
Suit: Because I don't feel like interviewing. Besides, she has a really nice rack so I will at least have something good to look at.

1042 Hamilton Ct.
Menlo Park, California

4AM ...And Sometimes We Overhear Wisdom

Lady VP: I left on good terms. Not necessarily with the people I worked with, but definitely the people I worked for.

4 Times Square
New York, NY

10PM I Only Drive Drunk in Moderation

Suit: It was 6 hours of nonstop powerdrinking. My wife was at a Christmas party and asked me to pick her up, and I said, "Even I would not get behind the wheel now!"

350 Madison Ave.
New York, NY

6AM The Sweet Taste of Fools Getting Their Comeuppance

VP Fundraising: Mmm the aqueous coating on this brochure smells delicious.
Publication Manager: That's the residue from my Krispy Kreme.

2300 4th Ave.
Rock Island, Illinois


Overheard by: Holly Sparkman

6AM Welcome to The Office

Boss: From now on, people, we're going to make Perfection our baseline.

The development team laughs.

Developer: Dude, whatever the fuck you've been reading, stop it.

1 Madison Avenue
New York, NY


Overheard by: Mad William Flint

8PM The Big News